Damaging secrecy [Ben Barnes x Reader] - Challenge
Title: Damaging secrecy Pairing: Ben Barnes x Female!Reader Word count: 3.6k Published: 23 August 2021 Author: Heloise Daphne Brightmore Summary: [x] Your relationship with Ben was everything you could wish for and more. Even the tiniest of attention you received from him was filled with love. But his fear of losing you often clouded his judgement and he didn’t even realise the damage his overprotective nature caused in your relationship, his career creating a gap between the two of you. Challenge: [x] [x] This is my entry to @sunrisefairy's writing challenge, using the below prompts;
#1. “What am I in your life? Because as of lately I feel as though I’ve been nothing to you.” #2. “We’re in public.” , “I don’t care.”
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Ben and you were from two different worlds. He was a famous actor, adored by many, meanwhile you were just an average girl living an average life, working on making your dreams come true. When you met Ben in a simple coffee shop, people completely ignored his presence, as though they didn't even know who he was. Of course, it was a possibility as he had stated that he was usually not recognised when out and about. So, you followed in their steps, not wanting to bother him.
As you woke up that day, you thought it was to be just like every other day. Grab a cup of coffee, work for half a day and get home, throwing yourself on your fluffy duvet. But as it turned out, that day changed your whole life, and it was all thanks to that sweet barista girl who didn't place the lid on your takeaway cup properly. If she had paid attention, you wouldn't have spilled your drink on Ben and you wouldn't have experienced not only how sweet of a person he was, but how easy it was to admire him as an actor, and fall hopelessly in love with him as a regular person.
After 2 years, you couldn't have asked for a better man. There wasn't anyone better for you after all. He treated you like a queen, as though you deserved the whole wide world, and he was ready to give it to you. He had been sweet and kind, funny and playful, passionate, and full of love. There wasn't a single thing you didn't like about him.
At least, that's what you have been telling yourself for the past couple of months. You loved him dearly, you couldn't imagine life without him. Whatever you planned, he was in it, whether it be in the near future or part of a long-term plan. But it often occurred to you that he might not imagine his future with you. He never voiced it of course, but there was one thing that always left an invisible barrier between the two of you. A gap that you couldn't cross with a bridge, a wall that you couldn't climb with a ladder.
That significant barrier you found between the two of you was part of his life, his passion, his love, and you couldn't even think of standing in his way, making him choose between you and his career. Of course, you knew he was doing it for you, he was scared to lose you, scared to throw you to the wolves, but his worry, his overprotective behaviour was the wall you found yourself unable to break. So, you just pushed your worries aside, however painful, and heart-breaking it was to watch the love of your life creating an even bigger gap between the two of you, slowly swallowing your relationship, breaking every simple foundation your shared life was built on. You just sealed your lips and let him destroy your relationship, knowing it was inevitable for the two of you to part at some point, your pleading words ignored for what seemed to be forever.
With silent steps you headed to the bedroom where Ben was adjusting his tuxedo, running his hands through the material, removing every trace of the soft creasing that ran across the clothing. His usually messy locks now sat across his head in a neat fashion, shining like soft silk under the dim light of the bedroom. His top buttons were left undone as he fixed the hem of his shirt, tucking it into his trousers. You leaned against the doorframe as you watched him getting ready, wondering about how long it will take for the two of you to finally walk past each other without realising the damage your relationship had to endure. You knew it was to come, you had anticipated it months ago, but each word that left your lips seemed to have found deaf ears. Ben loved you, it wasn't a question. He was stupidly in love with you and would have given you anything. But he couldn't see the destruction his protectiveness caused between you.
Pushing yourself off the doorframe, you walked up to him with a tender smile and stood between the mirror and him, pulling the necktie you have been holding onto around his neck. "I've been looking for this," he huffed with a playful grin. "You little thief," he chuckled as he leaned down to you and cupped your face, peppering your lips with sweet, but tiny featherlight kisses
"Stop it," you giggled as you tried to push him away, however he had different ideas. He grabbed your hands and wrapped them around his neck whilst his arms sneaked around your waist, pulling you flush against his chest as he deepened the kiss.
"Do you still want me to stop?" His breath tickled your mouth before he captured your lips again, not leaving you time to even consider a possible reply. Ben tightened his arms around you and gently turned you around to lower you on the soft mattress of your shared bed, not even leaving an inch between the two of you as he laid down on you, keeping most of his weight on his arm beside you. The proximity made you feel like you were melting into his body, unable to comprehend where his body ended and where yours began.
However, you had to stop him regardless of how difficult it was. Ben was to attend a gala, and he had to leave sooner than later. "Ben," you whispered against his lips, but he seemed to enjoy occupying yours more than to leave them any time soon. "Ben," you breathed his name weakly, but you didn't have the power to push him away as his lips wandered down your jaw and settled in the crook of your neck. "You need to go," you tried once again, but he didn't seem to share your need to part. "You will be late," your attempt to reason with him seemed fruitless, he continued devouring you without a care for anything beside you. Placing your hands on his shoulders, you pushed him farther away from you until your eyes finally met.
"Why are you trying to make me leave you?" He asked with a mischievous grin across his face. "If I'm not mistaken and I'm not, you were enjoying yourself just as much as I was. Why did we have to stop then?" His tone was like a childish whine, making you giggle.
"Because you have a gala to attend to, mister and you will be late," you chuckled as you tried to push him off you, but he didn't budge.
"I don't want to leave you," he scoffed with a grimace as he buried his face in your neck.
"Well," you started, knowing what you were about to say could possibly start an argument, "if you took me with you, you wouldn't have to leave me," you finished, expecting a frustrated reaction from him and within seconds he removed his face from the curve of your neck and met your gaze with an irritated scoff.
"We have talked about it," he said as he pushed himself off you and rolled to your side, his eyes studying the plain white ceiling.
"We have and we always seem to end up arguing about it. Exactly because we don't agree, don't you think? One of us will have to give in at some point," you smiled softly, not wanting to make a scene.
"Believe me, I would be the happiest person if you could come with me, if I could finally scream to the world how much I love you. But I'm scared. I'm afraid if we go public, it will ruin us, it will chase you away," a heavy, lung expanding sigh left his lips as he ran his fingers through his neatly done hair. "You know I like to keep things private. I don't want all the reporters and paparazzis digging into our lives. And that's what would happen. They would try to take pictures wherever we went, they would dig up all the information about you that they could find. They would make our lives miserable, and I can't risk losing you. I love you too much to lose you," his tone was weak and desperate. Everything about him screamed how much he loved you and you felt guilty for arguing with him, but it hurt you to keep hiding.
"Ben," you whispered his name as you sat up and so did he, his eyes attached to every tiny movement of yours. "You know I love you, right?" You asked and he nodded reassuringly. "I would never want to lose you. I would never want to hurt you, hurt us. But you must understand that we can't keep hiding our relationship forever," you let out a heavy sigh as you turned away from his gaze and nervously fidgeted with your fingers in your lap. "You keep saying that you don't want to lose me. Well, nor do I want to lose you. But you must see the pressure it puts on us, the strain it has on our relationship. We will lose each other if we keep going on like this," you shook your head more to yourself, but Ben reached for your face and cupped your cheeks, gently turning you towards him to meet your eyes.
"What are you saying?" He asked in a pained tone, his voice slightly shaking.
"What am I in your life, Ben?" You asked as you turned away from him, his hands falling to his side, a stunned gasp leaving his lungs. "Because as of lately I'm struggling to understand what we are. We love each other. I can't possibly doubt that. I see the way you look at me, the way you touch me and kiss me, the way you speak to me. I've never felt more loved in my life. But we can't go on dates, we can't go on holidays, I can't hold your hand or kiss your lips when we are out. I can't even go near you when we are in public. We are confined to your house like it's a comfortable prison," a bitter chuckle left your lungs. "I feel as though I've been nothing to you outside of this prison and I can't keep living my life within a 200 square meter confinement."
"I— I didn't," Ben tried to interrupt you, but you had to let your thoughts out before they suffocated you, so you cut him off.
"You are trying to protect me from your world, and I couldn't be more grateful for how considerate you are, but can't you see that it creates a gap between us? I understood that you wanted to wait with the announcement of our relationship. I understood that you were afraid of our relationship being destroyed by all the attention. But we can't keep doing this forever," You sighed as you finally turned towards Ben, his eyes wide open, stunned by your words, his lips parted in surprise, a pained expression spread across his face. But you couldn't stop. You always let him win, let him ignore how his protectiveness affected your relationship. It was time to make him understand the damage he was making. "I agreed with you at the beginning because I knew we needed to see if we were compatible, if we were going to last to make sure that it wasn't just a fling. However, after two years I expected our relationship to be stable, to be ready for a future that we can plan together."
"But it is," he said in a desperate tone, swallowing nervously as he began processing the weight of your words.
"But is it?" You sighed heavily as tears welled in your eyes, attempting to slide down your cheeks, but you forced them back, not wanting to seem weak. "I love you, Ben. More than I've ever loved anyone. But I can't wait for you forever to feel confident enough to finally make an announcement. We can't hide forever, you must understand. Frankly, if you don't feel ready to do so after two years, then I don't see a reason to be together," you couldn't keep your tears at bay any longer, they escaped without your consent, but you couldn't care. It hurt you to think about having a life without Ben in it. "It breaks my heart to say this, but if you are not confident enough in the strength of our relationship, if you are not sure about the future we could possibly have, if you don't have complete trust in me then I don't think it's good for us to be together. All the secrecy— it just damages our relationship," you said as your voice shook and you sniffled, trying to get rid of the tears soaking your cheeks.
"How did we end up here?" Ben spoke up with an incredulous look as he shot up from the bed, a deep frown spread across his brows. "I just told you that I didn't want to lose you and within minutes we are talking about a potential break up?" He asked as he turned to you with a gobsmacked expression, eyes filled with pain. He averted his gaze from you as he walked up and down the room as though he was thinking about something. He was so lost in his thoughts he couldn't even hear you calling him.
"Ben? Can you please talk to me?" You pleaded with him, but he didn't seem to be able to hear you. Or just didn't want to. You couldn't possibly tell what was going on in his head.
"Dress up," he stated as he headed towards the bathroom to redo his hair once again.
"Excuse me?" You asked with a surprised expression, eyes wide as you followed him into the bathroom, needing an explanation.
"You are coming with me!" He stated in a stern tone.
"What?" You scoffed with a single chuckle, before you realised the serious expression he wore. "Are you for real?" You asked with a questioningly raised brow.
"Do I look like I'm joking?" He retorted and stepped closer to you, standing right in front of you, leaving only a tiny gap between your bodies. "I will not lose you. If you want to leave me, if you fall out of love with me, if you decide you don't want to be with me, however heart-breaking it is, I can accept that. But I will not lose you for something so trivial. We will make that announcement today," he stated firmly as he leaned down to you and pressed a soft kiss to your lips, awakening thousands of butterflies in the pit of your stomach. You needed a good second or two to finally find your voice.
"Ben, as much as I would love that, don't you think it's a bit rushed? You shouldn't make such hasty decisions," you tried to reason with him, but he just shook his head.
"Do you love me?" He asked and although you frowned with a confused expression, you nodded. "And I love you, so what's the matter? You said I would have to be confident enough in the strength of our relationship, that I would have to be sure about the future with you, that I should have complete trust in you. Well, I do. I have confidence in us, in our relationship, in our feelings, in our future and especially in you. So, I'd have to argue with you. It's not rushed. Am I still afraid it could destroy us? Yes. But it isn't based on our relationship because I have never believed in anything as strongly as I believe in us. My fear comes from losing you. And I surely won't let it happen over this. So, we are going," by the time he finished his monologue, a sweet smile spread across his face that you couldn't stop yourself from mirroring.
"I– erm, okay, let's go," you chuckled as you stuttered through the words and quickly headed to dress up and do your hair and make-up. In other circumstances you would have been angry for not having enough time to prepare yourself, but your excitement overpowered your frustration and so you readied yourself with a wide grin across your face, stealing glances at Ben every once in a while to make sure you weren't dreaming.
Within half an hour you were ready to leave the house and headed down to the car Ben rented, with the driver seated at the front. Ben's large hand engulfed yours as he interlocked your fingers and kept it in his grasp for the whole journey. His warm touch started off the tiny butterflies in the pit of your stomach over and over again, making you feel both giddy and nervous about what was to come. But Ben's strong hold around your hand provided you with a certain comfort, a silent reassurance.
As you arrived at the event and Ben stepped out of the car, you saw the rapid flashes of cameras and a sudden fear took over your excitement. You felt as though you didn't think things through, and froze both physically and mentally as you sat at the backseat still holding onto Ben's hand. He gave you a questioning look, before he crouched down in front of you, right beside the opened door of the vehicle.
"It's alright," he smiled up at you. "We can do this together," he squeezed your hand, reassuring you that he was right beside you and would not let go of you. You nodded in a reply, but didn't make a move. It took you a few seconds, maybe even minutes to gather all your courage and chase away your fear but you were still anxious and your attempted breathing techniques seemed useless in your situation. Your chest tightened and your mouth felt like it was filled with sand, but as you lifted your head to look at Ben, he wore a tender smile, one that made all your worries banish. Finally you heaved a heavy sigh and stepped out of the car, closing the door behind you. Within seconds cameras flashed in your direction and thousands of questions were directed at Ben as he held onto your hand. You lost complete focus of what was happening, you were simply following Ben's movements and listened to his soothing voice as he talked to the reporters, each bombarding him with questions you couldn't even comprehend. "Are you alright?" He asked as he placed his unoccupied hand on your cheek, gently stroking your skin.
"Yeah," you whispered in a hushed tone, unsure if he could even hear you with all the noise.
"Let's go in," he smiled softly and gently nudged you towards the entrance. Reporters were still shouting his name as you stepped inside the building, but he just offered them an apologetic look and led you forward, not wanting to overwhelm you. By the time you walked past the reception, he pulled you towards a secluded corridor that possibly led to a kitchen, the scent of delicious meals filling your nostrils.
"What are we doing here?" You asked under the dim light, your eyes scanning the place, watching as guests walked inside the venue at the end of the corridor where you came from.
"I wanted to make sure you were okay," he said as he cupped your face, gently stroking your cheeks with his thumbs. "It must have been overwhelming," he added and though you wanted to deny it at first, you decided to be honest and nodded in a reply. "You don't have to act strong. If you are tired, if you feel like it's too much, just tell me. It took me a while to get used to it and it doesn't happen from one moment to another," he reassured you, earning another nod from you.
"I'm okay, Ben. I promise," you offered him a sweet smile as you lifted your hand and caressed his cheek. "I'm not going to lie, it was scary, but I'm alright now."
"Good," he said and stepped closer to you, wrapping his arms around your waist, leaning down to press his forehead against yours. "I have a couple of ideas on how to ease your worries though," he added with a mischievous smile and a playful twinkle in his eyes.
"Oh really. What would they be?" You raised a questioning brow as a wide grin appeared across your face, mirroring his excitement.
"Well, for starters, this–," he planted a tender kiss on your forehead, making you giggle, "and this–," before he went and placed a kiss on your cheek, "also this–," he left another kiss on your nose "but the most important one is this–," he pressed his lips against yours, your arms involuntarily sneaking around his neck as you returned the gesture, his warm embrace, the feel of his lips making you forget about your situation. But it was only momentary. Your mind quickly rid itself off Ben's addictive presence and started off an alarm in your head.
"Ben," you breathed his name against his lips, trying to contain your own desires. "We're in public," you tried to reason with him, but he didn't seem to mind.
"I don't care," he hushed you and pressed his lips against yours, basking in the intimate moment you finally shared in a public place. Sure, it was fairly hidden and no one passed by the two of you, but at last you had the opportunity to hold his hand regardless of the prying eyes. You were able to kiss his lips whenever the craving felt too unbearable. You could go on holidays and arrange dinner dates and the like. Finally, you could spend as much time with Ben as you wanted without hiding how madly in love you were with him.
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