A/N: ima slightly write it off my experience of adhd but remember that everyone’s adhd experience is different! 🫶🏾
Tom Riddle
You two are a good opposite duo 🫶🏾
He loves how you rant to him about anything really. He’s listening while somehow reading the book he has
When someone tries to tell you to be quiet. Immediately the room feels a chill.
He may not be pda like you, but he shows his caring side in a different light.
Mattheo Riddle
You like shenanigans, he does shenanigans.
You two are a match made in heaven! ☺️💗 honestly when you stim happily and tap your fingers around. Immediately he shows the same exact energy
He knows you can’t focus well, and shit he can’t either sometimes.
But he will always help you!
Theodore Nott
Is always interested in what you like
Could easily be distracted with you, as long as it doesn’t happen in class
He does find it creepy when you just stand there not blinking..for a long time.
Your sudden burst of energy always gives him serotonin.
Lorenzo Berkshire
Always gives you his hand when you need something to occupy yourself.
Your “out of no where mood swings” either of your period or just the random switch confuse him. But he is supportive.
He understands how you space out a lot and just think about things. He finds it adorable.
He understands how you can’t seem to focus. So he teaches you in a way that you are able to focus and memorize other than give up on you like idiots would.
hii I wanted to ask for transfem reader x Shauna but it's with reader getting sick yet also being the only one to calm Shauna down (Sorry i'm sick and haven't slept in days. HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD DAY THOO) also could I be ☕ anon?
aww ofc, and i hope you get better (or are better by the time this goes up) !! and OMG my first anon <3 welcome to the fam, ☕ anon !! i wasn't feeling headcanons for this one, hope that's ok :)
SHAUNA SHIPMAN ⋆˚࿔
† shauna shipman x mtf reader ficlet.
★ fem!reader, sick!reader, post-crash/s3, fluff, hurt/comfort
synopsis: calming shauna down. she's horribly worried about you being sick.
word count: 0.6k
the days had been dragging on. you'd gotten sick less than a week ago, and your symptoms had been irritating, to say the least. normally you would've gone to the doctor, taken some antibiotics, rested in bed with some hot tea and a bottle of water. but instead, you were on a makeshift bed in shauna's hut. raggedy blankets had been wrapped around you, by shauna herself, and yet, you found yourself freezing. sometimes hot and sometimes cold, but never comfortable.
shauna hadn't really said anything about it since you'd been sick. she paced. she'd do that when she got worked up or stressed out, and you knew that about her. back in wiskayok, she'd pace around her room, often after a fight with jackie. but jackie was gone now, and shauna had you to worry about. you were all she ever worried about.
to add to that, you weren't used to being fussed over. your family had never been very accepting of you, believing that you could handle yourself due to stereotypes, and you dealt with it. but shauna never made you feel that way. you were a girl. and you deserved to be fussed over, taken care of, loved in the way you wanted to be loved. funnily enough, shauna looked more scruffy and boyish than you did. and you adored her look, more than you thought you would.
you sat up, holding your head for a moment with a groan. another pounding headache, of course.
shauna crouched down beside you and held the blankets in her grasp.
"don't try to get up," shauna said, her hand shaking. "come on, lay back down for me—"
"baby, i'm fine," you said weakly.
"no. no you're not." her teeth gritted as she tried to pull the blankets back over you.
you held her wrist to stop the movement, beaming those beautiful eyes at her. "shauna."
she looked at you now, her eyes watering, and she quickly swiped her hands over her face. she didn't want you to know she was weak. but shauna was anything but weak, and you knew that better than anybody. she'd survived the plane crash, the death of her best friend, all the hell the wilderness had thrown her way.
"i'm gonna be okay," you added, holding her face in your hands. you sniffled. "i promise."
shauna's lips parted like she might hand you her rebuttal, her reasoning as to why you won't be fine, how she'd get hurt again, how she couldn't lose you. she couldn't take it. not you.
"honey," you said softly. "pinky."
you had this thing with shauna. a pinky promise. and it was the only thing that would tide shauna over in situations like this. shauna held her pinky out instinctively, still twitching, and you locked it with yours.
"pinky promise?" she asked, small.
"pinky promise. but ... i am kinda hungry."
shauna's eyes lit up. you hadn't eaten for days, and it wasn't like they had a lot of food, but they did—technically—have food. she'd been trying to feed you small portions. berries. clippings of meat. but you'd refused all week. shauna tried to fight a smile but couldn't. you missed that smile.
"okay. good, yeah. i'll go get you something, okay? st-stay right here." shauna hurried out of the hut, that wavering smile still present, and you grinned before blowing your nose into a small rag.
underneath all of the tattered flannels, the hardened angry persona, the woman the other girls were terrified of, was the girl you'd fallen in love with all those months ago: the sweet, sensitive, empathetic girl with a heart of gold. and you loved her even now. even more so because of her strength.
You're snowed in with your partners on your trip home for the holidays: FTM!Reader x Rabbot Smut
Robby and Jack help you work through your holiday worries.
CW: SMUT, MDNI!!, Anxiety, Panic Attack, mention of unaccepting family, holiday drama, miscommunication, PIV, Anal (Reader Receiving), dp, edging, daddy & sir kink, Oral (Reader receiving), face riding (I think that's it? if you see something not listed, please LMK!)
WC: 2,708
Request: @nocturnalro
“Mornin’, baby,” you heard Robby husk, peppering kisses on your neck and face; his beard scratching lightly against your skin. You grumbled in return, rolling away from him, taking the covers with you. You did a full rotation as you burritoed yourself rolling into Jack’s empty side of the bed.
“Oh, no, you don’t.” Robby laughed, voice still thick with sleep, as he grabbed the edge of the blanket and tugged on it hard, forcing you back into your lover’s arms. He straddled your hips, grinning down at you as you crack your eyes open to glare at the affront to your sleep. While you do have boundless love from your partners. Robby was currently the opposition, preventing you from sleeping.
“Baby, we’re gonna need to get back on the road soon.” He reminded you, “You’ll be able to get plenty of rest in the car.”
You hummed in consideration, eyes fluttering shut. The pit in your stomach grew as you felt a spike in anxiety at the mention of going back on the road. You and your partners were currently road tripping to your hometown to spend the holidays with your family. You were on the last leg of the three-day drive. You were only about twoish hours away now; you’d driven five hours yesterday and the day before. Even if you didn’t voice it, your partners were aware of how anxious you were over the meeting. You’d been dancing around the topic since you planned the trip this past October. It was a catch-22, telling them no may risk the end of your relationship if they felt like you weren’t okay sharing your unconventional relationship publicly. While telling them yes made it so they’d have to meet and face possible rejections from your traditional family.
You wish you’d never gotten the letter from your parents inviting you home, or rather, you wished you’d never given Robby the okay to open it up and read it to you while you were making dinner. You loved your safe little bubble in Pittsburgh, where you could freely choose who was or wasn’t part of your life. You just didn’t want to hurt either of your loves if your family shared negative opinions. I mean, fuck, it took them years to come to terms with you being trans. Jack & Robby’s health and well-being were your top priority. You’d do almost anything to maintain your relationship. So, despite your own anxious feelings, you agreed to the trip.
“C’mon, love, if you get up now, I’ll give you a treat before we hit the road.” He wagered, morning wood pressing up to your belly button from his position sitting on your hips.
“You can do more than a quicky,” Jack interjected, making both you and Robby jump as he gave away his position at the door of the bedroom. The carpeted floors of the Airbnb muffled his steps.
“You’re the one who told me to wake him up,” Robby said, confused.
“That’s before I knew about this,” Jack said, crossing the room and pushing the curtain open. You squinted at the light, eyes widening as a snow-covered scene appeared. It was still coming down fast; at least three inches had built up on the outside ledge of the window.
“I thought it was just supposed to be overcast,” you said, confused. You’d all been keeping an eye on the weather, even taking off a day earlier than planned to beat a storm that’d be present on the outskirts of your planned route.
“Wind changed the predicted route. We’re getting at least another five inches; we’re fully in the red zone on the weather map now. The NWS has a shelter-in-place order until tonight.” Jack replied. Even in your position, you could make out the untouched snow covering the road. There was no way, even in Jack’s truck, that you wouldn’t be able to safely get to your childhood home.
“Shit, I’ll call my parents to let them know we aren’t making it today.” You tried to hold back your relief as Robby shifted off of you, and you grabbed your phone off the bedside table. Another day of travel shortened your stay with your family as you all needed to be back in the Pitt by New Year’s Eve.
The call went about as well as it could have. Your dad may have immediately deadnamed you, definitely not adding to the stress of this trip, but agreeing that it was safest to postpone your visit by a day. His casual referring to you as his daughter was just icing on the cake of the thankfully short call. With a quick, “I love you too, Dad,” you signed off and immediately let out a sigh of relief. You felt anxiety build in your stomach as Robby and Jack stopped talking as you opened the door to the bedroom. The shared look they had made bile rise in the back of your throat.
“Everything okay?” you asked tentatively.
“We wanted to talk to you before getting on the road today. We still want to have that talk if you’re feeling up for it.” Robby said in a calm, neutral tone. Jack immediately clocked your anxiety as you white-knuckled the doorknob.
“You’re not in trouble love,” he reassured.
“Okay,” you nodded, barely containing your emotions. You took a calming breath because if you didn’t, you would start hyperventilating.
“We were wondering why you don’t want us to meet your family,” Jack asked, his tone even as he leaned against the windowsill.
“I-I,” you tried to start.
“We saw how relieved you were when you saw the snow, Honey,” Robby added. Fuck, of course they did.
“Is it us?” Jack prompted, “Are you embarrassed?”
“No, it’s not you. God, it could never be either of you. I just don’t want you to be hurt in any way, and my family has a habit of finding triggers and abusing them. I mean fuck, I was only on the phone with my dad for less than a minute, and he deadnamed me and misgendered me in the same breath.” You said, breath quickening. You fell to your knees as you became slightly lightheaded; you could hear your rapid heartbeat in your ears. You tried to focus on your breathing, but the pounding in your ears only got louder. This was it; they were going to break up with you. You were going to lose them because you couldn’t handle a simple home visit. What was wrong with you?
Before you could have another negative thought, your chin was jerked up by Jack as he held your face in his callused hands. He held your face steady, opening your throat to allow for more air to come through than your previous position of chin to sternum allowed. His worried eyes filled your vision, and the pounding in your ears continued. You saw his mouth moving, but couldn't make out any words. Robby had stationed himself behind you, pulling you back into his lap. His arms wrapped around you in a tight hold, acting in place of your normal go-to weighted blanket in your shared home. Jack removed one of his hands from your face, lightly holding your hand as he pressed your palm to his chest. You automatically began to match the rise and fall of his diaphragm, his heartbeat guiding your own back into a safe range. The pounding lessened after a minute, as you were able to focus in on Jack’s words.
“That’s it, atta boy.” He encouraged, “You’re doing so well, that’s it.”
Once you had calmed down enough to be able to breathe on your own, Robby’s grip loosened, and Jack leaned back, sitting back on his calves in front of you.
“Baby, if this trip was stressing you out so much, why didn’t you tell us?” Jack asked in a calm, hushed voice.
“I just didn’t want to lose either one of you,” you admitted tearfully.
“Why would you lose us?” Robby asked, chin resting on your shoulder.
“My family is very traditional, and I just didn’t want either of you to get hurt. At the same time, I didn’t want to make you think that I’m ashamed of either of you.” You let out through sniffles.
“Baby, you’re gonna have to do a lot more to scare me off. I’d cross no man’s land if it meant spending another second with either of you, even if it was my last.” Jack confessed, looking down at you with an expression that could only be described as love.
“Honey, I’d spend twenty-four hours handcuffed to Gloria if it meant never losing you both,” Robby replied jokingly. You let out a wet laugh and shared a smile with Jack. Knowing that Robby’s statement was as sincere as he was able to handle. His defense mechanism of humor came out like clockwork.
“Nothing your family does will change how we feel about you. We love you so much, baby.” Jack reassured, kissing your forehead.
“I love you too,” you said, breathing fully back to normal.
“Good, how about we get some water and food in you and see how we can fill our time til tomorrow morning. Okay?” Jack asked softly.
“Okay,” you nodded, you untangled yourself from Robby and had a light conversation as Jack made eggs. Luckily were planning on making breakfast before you left, meaning, with your road trip snacks, the fridge was stocked with enough food to last until morning.
“Thanks,” you told Jack as he placed your plate in front of you with a bottle of water. You were mostly a spectator as Robby, and he talked.
“You still doing okay, Honey?” Robby asked, nudging you with his elbow.
“Yeah,” you nodded with a small voice.
“Do you want to go to sleep?” Jack asked,
“No,” you shook your head, still feeling a bit out of it.
“You want Daddy and Sir to take care of you?” Robby prompted, clocking your headspace.
“Yeah,” you nodded, face warming at how transparent your needs were to them.
“Finish up your water bottle and two more big bites of food, then we’ll take over. Okay, Sweetheart?” Jack asked.
“Yes, Sir,” you nodded, slipping deeper into that headspace. Missing the loving smile Robby and Jack shared while looking at you. Once you were done chewing and taking the last swig of your water, Robby whisked you away back to the bedroom. He pulled into a soft kiss as he unbuttoned the top of your PJs set. Lips pulling back as he kissed down your neck, refreshing a fading hickey at the base of your throat. You could only squirm against him and moan as he pulled back his tongue, laving over the fresh bruise.
“You okay, with us touching your chest toda-” he was cut off with a moan as you threaded your fingers into his hair and tugged him down to your nipple.
“Fuck,” he groaned, and you mewed contentedly as his mouth enveloped your now erect nipple. You a moan, punched out of your chest as Jack appeared next to you, kneeling to your right as he sucked on your neglected nipple into his mouth.
“Fuck, please, Daddy,” you cried, grinding up against Robby’s growing erection.
“What would you like, Angel?” Jack prompted, popping off your chest while you pulled, moan after moan from Robby.
“Wanna be full,” you whined, desperately.
“You want Sir to stretch you out so you can take me and Daddy?” he clarified, working your sleep shorts off. It took an immense amount of effort not to rip your new sleep set.
“Fuck,” you moaned as Robby cupped your core, “Yes!”
Robby made his way down to your boxer-covered core as Jack disappeared from your side. You didn’t complain, though, too caught up in Robby licking a firm, hot strip up your seam. He immediately zeroed in on lapping up your wetness, his tongue thrusting into you as his thumb found your clit, circling it just how you liked.
“FUCK,” you panted, rapidly approaching your orgasm under Robby’s focus.
“Daddy! Daddy, please, need it so bad,” you begged, you were right on the cusp, when you lost all contact with Robby. You blinked open your eyes, tears threatening to spill as you took in the sight of Jack holding Robby back by the hair.
“Sir,” you whined, tears spilling down your cheeks.
“Baby, did I say you could cum?” he husked.
“No, Sir,” you sniffled.
“And whose pussy is this?” Jack asked.
“Yours,” you groan, his other arm bracing your hips. Preventing you from getting any relief from rubbing your thighs together.
“That’s right, love you cum on my time. Got it?” he asked, pushing Robby over onto his back.
“Yes,” you whined.
“Yes, what?” he asked, uncapping the lube in his free hand.
“Yes, Sir!” you called out.
“Good boy,” he affirmed, “Now I want you to straddle Daddy’s face, Sir’s gotta prep you.”
You rolled over, knees on either side of Robby’s head, your slow descent onto his mouth was interrupted as he hooked his hands behind your thighs and yanked you down.
“Daddy!” you moan, as his tongue once again fills your core. Just as you adjusted to that, you could feel the cool slickness of Jack’s fingers circling your asshole.
“Fuck,” you groaned as his hot spit found your back opening, before he immediately began to finger fuck it into you. You could hear the rustling of him grinding down against Robby. Robby’s moans stimulated your oversensitive core.
“Daddy, Sir!” you cried as Jack’s pace increased tenfold, equally desperate to be inside of you. You were right there again, clenching around both their fingers when Jack shoved you off to the side, once again stifling your orgasm. You blinked up tearfully as Jack before he pulled you in for a desperate kiss.
“Just wait until you’re full. Then you can cum as much as you’d like.” He promised, also climbing off of Robby. In practiced form, they both stripped as Robby found his way up to the head of the bed. Jack guided you onto Robby’s lap as he leaned back against the headboard.
“You’re gonna take Daddy first,” Jack ordered,
“Yes, Sir,” you confirmed, earning a kiss to the crown of your head as you lowered down onto Robby. You bounced up and down, taking more of him in each go, going as fast as you could without hurting yourself. You shared a moan with Robby as you sat flush with him. A gasp escaped you as the head of Jack’s cock breached your back entrance. You could feel your face warm at the loud, slick sound of the excess lube he used to prep you. It only took a few precise thrusts before you were full of him.
“Ready, love?” he asked, staying as still as possible, cock pulsing in your ass.
“Please, please, Sir, I’m ready,” you whine, air is punched out of your chest as their thrusts alternated, jerking you back and forth so that you were never empty. You only lasted a minute tops before your first orgasm ripped through you, still sensitive from their edging. Neither of them breaks pace as they work you through it. Overstimulated tears run down your face as the pain becomes pleasure again. You lost yourself in the sensation of their cocks filling you, your mind fully going fuzzy. You were now just a vessel for their pleasure. No worldly problems could reach you here. A moan cuts through your whines as Robby cums, filling you to the brim. Jack, ignore your shared pleas, as he continued to fuck you, listening intently for your safe words as you kept a firm grip on Robby’s cock; overstimulating him. You collapsed on Robby’s chest as Jack pulled back, releasing his hot load on your back. You couldn’t complain, too fucked out to acknowledge anything happening around you.
It was a blur as you went from the shower to being dressed in a loose t-shirt and boxer briefs to being enveloped by your partners in bed. Sleep took you as they whispered sweet nothings that you didn’t have to hear to know their overwhelming love for you.
The hair care routine he creates for you goes hard, your honor!
Helps you style it in more feminine ways as you start to grow it out, for sure. He’s that dad on YouTube looking up ‘how to do my daughter’s hair’ videos
You both do hair masks together with opera playing in the background, and it’s so relaxing! He’ll even let you braid his hair if you want practice doing styles yourself.
Everything he knows about femininity he learned from his mom, so he’ll get out her old perfume and hair stuff and give it to you. He feels like now that he has a daughter, he can honor his mother in ways that don’t involve wax
You come downstairs one day wearing Trudy’s old curlers in your hair and his heart twists in his chest when you ask him to help take them out. I did it, mama, he thinks, I have a legacy and she’s wonderful
Lester Sinclair:
Okay cool! … does that mean you don’t wanna go hunting with him anymore? :(
Once you assure him that you still want to, and that your gender doesn’t affect that, he’s perfectly happy. Gets you a pink camo “Dad’s Little Deer-stalker” shirt because he’s corny
Teaches you to fend for yourself so you don’t have to rely on any gross stinky boys (his words), but still insists on doing any butchering himself because it’s his job as your dad to provide for you!
He’s only really ever been around men for most of his life, so he doesn’t really know what to do now that he has a daughter, but he tries his very best!
“That’s my girl!” He whoops when you take down a buck for the first time
Bo Sinclair:
Dare I say girl dad? I’m saying it! You’re his little princess fr! One of those ‘my hands look like this so hers can look like this’ type dads
Takes anything he thinks you might like off of any victims that come through Ambrose- perfume, nail polish, makeup, clothes, even a curling iron!
You want to practice painting nails or doing eyeshadow? He’ll be your practice dummy (even though he’ll complain the whole time, he loves you and wants to make you happy)
I think he’d be willing to put aside a lot of his macho shit for you, tbh! Before you came out, he wanted you to be a strong ‘man’, but when he understands that you’re a girl, he realizes he can’t keep doing that to you and risk making you hate yourself as much as he hates himself. Actively works to be a better man for his daughter.
“What’d’ya think, princess? Does your Dad suit sparkles?” He asks, fluttering his eyelashes exaggeratedly because he knows it’ll make you laugh
Tiffany Valentine:
Did someone say girl’s day out? She’s ecstatic! She already has a trans kid, so one more is literally nothing to her
She’ll help you shop for clothes and do your eyeliner because her daughter is gonna look awesome if she has any say in it! Whatever style you like, it's a full wardrobe makeover
You get mani pedis and gossip about boys/girls/whoever before going bra shopping because ‘every young lady needs a proper first bra’. She squares up with anyone who give you weird looks, total mama-bear style
You guys end up overloaded with bags (did you actually pay for everything, though? Uhhh plead the fifth)
“C’mon, baby, we should stop at Ulta before we leave,” she urges with a big smile, already prancing toward the store
Thomas Hewitt:
Immediately teaching you self-defense! He won’t let his daughter go into the big bad world without being able to defend herself!
Sooo protective of you, almost to a degree that’s stifling. He so much as catches a whiff of someone giving you trouble about your gender? Guess what’s for dinner that night!
You want to date someone? Good luck bringing them home, because he has a chainsaw, a cleaver, and a shotgun :)
One of those ‘my daughter can’t date anyone until she’s thirty’ type dads, and if he catches anyone sniffing around you, he acts quickly and without mercy
He may relent if you give him puppy eyes, though, because he’s a big softie who can’t deny his little girl anything!
I know you’ve done a lot of Ronin comforts for FtM readers with dysphoria but what about the other way around, MtF reader ♥️🐝
Smudged Eyeshadow.
Ronin x MtF!reader, helping his pretty girl with dysphoria, comfort scenario
Words: 1363
Cws: spoilers for Killer Chat, gender dysphoria, transphobia
Your room was a mess. Dresses, skirts and shirts thrown all around the floor, leaving barely any space for walking, some jewelry laying on your desk, tangled and scattered. Talking about your make up kit was useless, it was all messed up, just like the make up you were putting on yourself so precisely just moments ago.
You had a wonderful day, really, nothing was going wrong for you today. At least until you were met with your online interview with one of the top pop stars.
At first the interview was going smoothly, they were nice, answered all your questions, even joked a little. The thing that ruined the interview for you was the sudden shift in their behaviour. From smiling and joking, they started asking uncomfortable questions.
("Do you enjoy pretending to be a woman? Does it help you get off? Is this just a way for you to not feel ashamed of liking men? Do you just want to watch women in bathrooms and this is your excuse? Oh, I can see the signs of your beard, I think you should play dress up better.)
Their words were full of melice. They were nothing short of insults and transphobic remarks. And these weren't even the most hurtful things that person said to you.
You felt so heartbroken, so weak, so disgusted. The comments about your appearance were the worst, the amount of things they pointed out that were not feminine enough in you was terrifyingly large. It made you upset to say the least.
You were obsessively putting on make up, trying out every single dress you owned, brushed your hair and tried to style them.
But that was still a man in your mirror. A man dressed up in pretty dresses with tears running down his cheeks and ruining his make up.
The ache in your heart was too real to just be your imagination. It felt like your heart was being crushed with your dreams. Like the sky had just collapsed and broke all possibilities of you becoming who you knew you were.
A woman.
You were crying on the floor, hugging your dressed to your chest and simply crying your heart out.
What did taking hormones and seeing doctors mattered when people were still looking in flaws in your appearance?
You were weak. A weak naive girl for hoping that others would ever see you as a real woman.
Your phone buzzed suddenly, you sat up wiping your eyes with your hands and ignoring how much you've just messed your already damaged make up.
<goreboy> [13:47]
how's The Prettiest girl doin'?
cause this guy Wants to see his Gf
You smiled a little bit seeing the messages, it was a weak smile, but it was there.
Ronin was one of the not many people who truly saw you as a woman, not just as someone pretending to be one. He gave you closure, understood you, stood up for you and let you be yourself.
"Maybe I should tell him about this... incident too..." You whispered to yourself, grimacing when you heard your voice. It was too low.
<reader.username> [13:48]
I'm not doing well...
<goreboy> [13:48]
spill your Guts baby
i'm here to Listen, remember?
You took a deep breath before hitting the "record" button next to the text box.
"There was this one pop star I was interviewing. They were nice at the beginning, super friendly and all that. But... but then they..." Your voice broke, you were shaking, not wanting to finish the sentence but you pushed through. "they called me all sorts of names Ronin, they fucking hurt. Now," you chuckled bitterly through the tears, "I'm seeing on the floor like a damn mess and cry about all the shit they called me. And the worst part? I, I start to think that they were right."
You sent the message, completely breaking down again. You didn't even see all the messages Ronin sent you after you put your phone on the floor.
<goreboy> [13:52]
that motherfucker
they better fuckin' pray i won't get to them first thing after that interview is out
you're at your place right?
Y/n?
Y/n answer
never mind i'll be there soon
After a short while that felt more like hours, a knock came to your door. You slowly got up from your floor and made your way to the front door. When you opened them, you were greeted by a bouquet of pink peonies and a bag full of your favourite snacks being held out to you.
"A devilish delivery service for a certain beautiful girl." Ronin said, a lazy smirk on his lips.
You were looking at him with widened mouth. "What is this?" You asked, quickly trying to wipe your face to maybe save yourself from looking like a human panda, but you were most likely too late already.
"What? 's for you. What boyfriend would I be if I didn't come by in a red light alarm." He invited himself inside. "You better put these into a vase filled with water." He said and gave you the bouquet, making his way to the bedroom.
You numbly listened, setting the flowers in a vase next to your bed. You turned around and saw Ronin slowly cleaning your floor. "You know I can do it myself later?"
He looked at you and shrugged before hanging another dress back to the wardrobe. "Nah, you went through shit amount of emotional labour already." He said and looked at the rest of the clothes. "I'll clean 'em later." It was more a loud said note for himself rather than something he said to you.
Ronin took some wipes and a make-up remover from your desk, slowly making his way to you. He sat you down on the bed and put some of the make-up remover on the wipes.
"Close your eyes." He whispered, you listened.
This was a quiet moment, Ronin removing the mess of a make up you were wearing and you just sat here, slowly calming down. He set his little make up artiste kit away and lay down on your bed, pulling you into a hug and letting you keep your face in the crook of his neck.
"Tell me, how'dya feel, pretty." He murmured.
You took a long and shaky breath before you started talking. "I feel so fucked up right now. Like someone took a knife and did what those guys in Jennifer's Body did to Jen." You replied, following by Ronin's chuckle after your reference to the movie. "They made me doubt myself Ro. I don't know if I truly will ever be a woman, if I will be recognised as one. This all is so fucking messed up and confusing. I just want to be able to express myself and be free in my own identity."
Ronin rubbed your back with his hand, letting you talk your mind out in silence and when you were done it was his turn to talk. "Y'know, you are allowed to embrace it. The freedom. You are a woman, baby. Pink bows or dirt and blood, doesn't really matter. So what if people can see that you had to shave or that your shoulder are a tad bit wider? Your identity isn't just your body, there's no rules to how you're supposed to look like as a woman. It'd be fucking boring if all people looked in one specific way." He paused, twirling your hair around his finger.
"You're a gorgeous woman, especially when you're pissed and ready to stab me to death." He whispered into your ear, you smacked him with your hands and he just chuckled. "Point is, you are a woman no matter how you look like now. I don't care, Angel, Misaki, V and the rest of the loser squad doesn't care. We see you for who you are for not how you look."
You looked at him, tears gathering in your eyes.
"And you are one beautiful woman, don't let anyone take that from you, yeah darlin'?"
Half Saint half Sinner, but even The Butcher will care about his lady when she's in distress.
tags: angst - hurt/comfort - fluff - internalised homophobia - internalised transphobia - gender envy - oblivious reader - Taivan being the best couple ever - mentions of ageing - mentions of getting older - depictions of growing older - reader is pre-transition - reader hasn't come to terms with being trans - reader still believes she's make through a lot of this - reader is referred to in masculine terms but not that much.
[wdc: 2.9k] [based on this request]
Now that you’re older, now that your hair is greying and your insides rotting, you are constantly clinging onto the most precious of your memories with a death grip. There are things you never wish to forget, things that were so important in building the person that you became, that you could never imagine forgetting them. Nonetheless, time is a thief, stealing youth, stealing life, and stealing memories that you hold so dear. All time ever did was pass, afterall, and all you could do was try your best to remember.
It was at night, mostly, when you would close your eyes as you lay against your plush mattress and remember the days when you didn’t know any better, when you didn’t even know who you were. Back then, you had very limited knowledge on the type of person you were allowed to be, because back then no one thought you were actually allowed to be that, allowed to be free, to be comfortable in your own body.
They opened your mind, Taissa and Van, and it was as though they had opened your third eye to something you never before knew existed.
You first became friends after Van threw a soccer ball at your head to get you off the soccer field. Due to underfunding, the school had to get rid of the baseball pitch and make both the boys baseball team and the girls soccer team practice on the same field. It was beyond frustrating for both parties and you wanted nothing more than for things to go back to the way they were. One day, the baseball team stayed over their scheduled time so you could get extra practice before a game — despite the fact it was glaringly obvious that you were going to lose — and the yellowjackets weren’t exactly happy about that.
They stood at the sidelines while the coach of the baseball team (Coach Luis) argued with the coach of the soccer team, coach Martinez if you can remember correctly. Some of the girls on the soccer team – Jackie, Van, Taissa, and a girl whose name you can’t quite remember now — were yelling at the baseball team from where they stood at the sides, telling you to get of the field, telling you that your team sucked, telling you that you were never going to win anyway. One of the girls, the one whose name you couldn’t remember, said that they were the superior team so they needed the pitch more. “You’re going to lose your game but we’re going to win nationals,” she yelled, “get off our pitch!”
None of it was particularly insulting to you, you didn’t care much for baseball anyway. In fact, you found their insults quite funny and it was even more humorous that the other guys on the team were legitimately getting offended. You stood there laughing as the team racked their brains to insult the soccer team back.
The yellowjackets were legends at school, everyone knew who they were. They were like the Greek Gods that Odysseus never disobeyed. Everyone caved to their every whim like it was God's will — it was mostly Jackie who was responsible for this, her popularity infecting everyone else on the team she was in charge of and even the losers on the yellowjackets weren’t nearly as unpopular as the actual losers of the school.
Jackie Taylor was otherworldly but the abuse she was hurling wasn’t nearly as funny as Tai and Van. Their insults were creative and true, unlike the unnamed girl who was just stating hurtful and brutal facts. One of the guys on the team, who only joined the team because he was an idiot and needed a scholarship in order to get into college, was beginning to grow frustrated. You heard him mutter something about not taking insults from a bunch of girls before he decided to shout —
— “unless you’re gonna cheer for us and show us your tits like a good woman would, fuck off!” your smile faltered just a little as the other guys on the team snickered and laughed at the ‘joke.’
You turned to look at your team for a moment in order to decipher which laugh belonged to who and when you turned your head back to see why the girls had gone so quiet all you could see was a ball being launched towards your head. You were irritated before you had a chance to realise what had happened, what the fuck did you do? You were just standing there! You didn’t even laugh at the jokes. Why is this your fault and why are you being punished for it?
You had quickly learned that the girl who threw the ball was the goalie. The thing about goalies is that a big part of their job is to throw the ball really far and really hard in order to get the ball as far away from their own goal as possible so that the team they’re playing against has a harder time trying to score.
So, the goalie, Vanessa/Van as you soon learned, had thrown the ball with all her might and all her strength. The ball collided with your head and damn near took your head off, you were knocked down onto your ass and you felt the blood escaping your nose and dripping down your face. Your hand quickly shot up to your nose so you could put pressure on it but that only made it hurt more.
The guys on your team, as well as the coaches, surrounded you to make sure you weren’t concussed and you were forced to go to the nurses office. Van and Tai had gone with you, perhaps because they felt bad that Van had broken your nose — yes, she actually broke your nose.
While sitting on the comfortable medical bed in the nurses office, Van kept trying to crack jokes to cheer you up and Tai kept shooting her dirty looks that were laced with frustration and also… affection? The adoration you saw in Van’s eyes was one that was so blatant, so true, and so pure. You knew, and at first you weren’t sure if they knew too or if they were completely oblivious, but then Tai smiled at one of Van’s jokes and the latter smiled back, a small smile laced with shared adoration. It was like they were the only people in the world. It was like they had a secret unbeknownst to the rest of the world and they were secretly bragging that no one else was noticing it — you noticed it.
And you have all been friends ever since!
You knew what you were, at least, you thought you knew what you were. Gay. You liked boys in the way you were supposed to like girls. They liked girls in the way they were supposed to like boys. And, for the first time ever, you knew that you were allowed to be yourself in front of them and that they wouldn’t depict you as a pervert the same way your friends on the team would. You remember voicing this thought to them once when you were hanging out at the park and Taissa said “then they’re not your friends.”
It was all sunshine and daisies at first, you were more than happy to have friends you could be yourself around, you felt as though you were finally seen for the first time in your life, as though you had just woken up from living a life that wasn’t yours. And then they started acting a bit weird….
When you did or said something particularly flamboyant, they would look at each other as though they had a secret they couldn’t tell you, and this time, you couldn’t even decipher what it was. They’d laugh, you’d go quiet, but you never questioned it. At the time, you weren’t sure why you were so reluctant to question them, now that you’re older you realise it’s because you already knew the answer and didn’t want to have to face it. You weren’t ready.
Sometimes, Van would push open the door for you and Van and say “Ladies first,” with a flirty smile on her face, the first couple of times you thought that Van was primarily showing off for Tai, but after the seventh time she basically snatched the door from you, you began to notice the pattern. You thought she was making jokes about you being gay, and quite frankly, a little bit feminine. You pushed her joke away with a small laugh and pretended it wasn’t utterly frustrating you.
A lot of what Tai and Van did frustrated you.
One time, you were dragged to Taissa’s house by Van and Tai because Van wanted to watch ‘Show Girls’ and Tai had just gotten it on VHS. You ended up not enjoying the film, but Van loved it, and you ended up having fun anyway so you were willing to look past the shitty movie when you recalled the memory.
Van was sitting criss-cross on Taissa’s bed, eyes focused onto the screen as though the movie gods weren’t willing her to look away and you were sitting on the floor leaning against the bed watching Taissa do her makeup across from you. It was quite intriguing, to say the least, because you couldn’t help but wonder what everything was for. Why was she layering these things on her skin? Why was she making her cheeks pink? Why was she making her eyelids blue? And what was she putting on her eyelashes?
She must’ve seen you staring so intently through the mirror she was holding as she dapped the makeup onto her face because a small, knowing smirk, took over her face. She seemed to move faster then and a wave of guilt washed over you. Had you made her uncomfortable with your constant staring? Had you made her feel embarrassed? Maybe that smirk wasn’t a smirk and instead it was a smile of awkwardness.
All of your fears of violating your friend's boundaries went away when she finished the final step, turned around to you, and said “you know, you’ve got very smooth skin.” with a glimmer of playfulness showing in her eyes.
“Thanks…?” you said, unsure of yourself and suspicious of what she was planning.
Van had finally looked away from the TV screen to look at you and Van, the confusion on her face perfectly mirroring yours. Clearly, she wasn’t the only one suspicious of Taissa and her antics.
“And you’re really pretty for a boy,” she said, putting emphasis on the word boy almost making it seem as though she was being sarcastic and you almost sighed. You expected these kinds of jokes from Van but not so much from Taissa, she tended to take things more seriously than her girlfriend who just liked to joke and laugh all of the time. She smiled like she was proud of herself, “you could always be prettier though.”
The realisation struck you like a bolt of lightning, your eyes widening in shock at what she suggested. “No! No way in hell!” you exclaimed, “there is no way you are doing my makeup.”
But instead of backing down, her smile just widened, and ten minutes later you were sitting there on the floor like a good little pup as she applied product after product to your face. Even now, you have no idea how she managed to convince you. It was no surprise that she turned out to be a real-good lawyer and also a fibbing politician.
Van had returned back to her movie, not paying much attention to the ‘torture’ you were being put through. Weirdly, you didn’t entirely hate it. You were a man, you weren’t supposed to be wearing makeup like this. Whenever you said that though, you’d receive dirty looks from both Van and Tai — Tai who would then list men who were actually quite popular for wearing makeup. David Bowie, Freddie Mercury, Robert Mapplethorpe, Robert Smith, Mick Jagger etc.
You did feel pretty, though, and you quite enjoyed the relaxing feeling that came with Taissa pampering you. After a while, when she was sure Van wasn’t paying attention, she began murmuring sweet words to you as she stayed focused on your makeup, “admitting who you are can be hard,” she had said, her voice gentle“but living a secret will be much harder. Would you rather die as yourself, as someone who is brave enough to exist in this world being different, or would you rather die as a coward who was too afraid of what others would think about who she is.”
‘Who she is.’ she had said.
She. She. She. She.
And you remembered those words better than you remembered anything about your teenage years because it was the first time you had been forced to face something you had practically ignored for as long as possible.
Her words were like lullabies. Like a poem. They weren't especially profound or deep, they were even a bit stereotypical and overused, but they shocked you to your very core. They made you feel sick in a way you weren’t able to get passed. You had felt as though, for the first time in your life, you had been perceived and you really didn’t like it. It was like getting changed in the locker room for the first time, it felt so bizarre and revealing. Except this was different, because it revolved around you and Taissa and the girl you wanted to be.
‘Who she is.’
Before you had a chance to respond to Taissa’s words — if you even could — she began talking again. Something about wanting to put you in her clothes to get the full effect. You would’ve said no, spewed your words about being a man again and about how you shouldn’t be wearing makeup. But you didn’t feel like a man at that moment, you weren’t a man, and you were grateful to Taissa for shocking your brain and letting you know that she was okay with who you are. So, instead, you smiled and nodded, letting her drag you up from the floor and search through her closet for the best clothes to put you in.
That was one of your fondest memories, the one you would grip onto for dear life even as you greyed.
Time passed, seasons changed, and you drifted apart. You never saw or heard much from Taissa or Van after their plane crash, but you weren’t too offended because you knew they didn’t hear much from each other either. You visited them once the summer after they came back from the wilderness, when they were still together and working through all of the things they had seen and witnessed. It was a short visit, only an hour, and you could tell that they weren’t the same people they were when they left, and that was okay, you made your peace with that because you weren’t the same person either.
You had come to terms with who you are as a person, you changed your name, started the most important journey of your life, made friends you knew wouldn’t judge you for being you, and studied so hard that your hands were going to fall off.
They had experienced something dark, something awful and unspeakable. You never asked what they did in the wilderness because you already knew, everyone already knew, but you also knew that it was a game of survival and they would’ve done anything to live, to survive, to come back to the families and to reintegrate with the world again despite the fact they had witnessed horrors they couldn’t speak about.
Despite the fact that you drifted away from each other, that the trauma’s they had faced were too complex to work through, you would love them forever, until your dying breath. Some people enter your life, even for just a short while, and change it with just a few simple words that wouldn’t matter to anyone else.
Tai and Van had changed your life
And now they were strangers whose laughs you could probably recognise from across the street, and for some reason, you found yourself being perfectly okay with that.
The End.
A/N: 1. this is not edited properly because the edits I did didn't save and I was too lazy to redo them. 2. HAPPY PRIDE MONTH!!! 3. I'm not a big fan of the ending but I feel as though it was the only one that fit.
