#mtf diary

[grand-empress-kacy]

What if?

What if I never pass? What if it's all a mistake? What if we break up? What if I can't do it? Oh the life of a trans girl.

[mytransjourneyblog-blog]

Little Victories

To try and push myself, both in transitioning and the rest of my life, I am focusing on securing ‘little victories’ each and every day.

As an example, I am doing 5 bicep curls on each arm using a 4.5 kg weight every day.

To some people that seems like a joke. That is not very many at all!

But the point is that it is enough to count as a little victory. This will instill the bicep curls as a habit, which I can build upon over time.

My current daily little victories are;

- Brushing my teeth twice a day - 5 bicep curls on each arm - Shave either face, legs or arms + chest - Wash, tumble-dry and put away clothes - Wash up 

I plan to add to this list of course, but thought it important to not reach too far initially. After all the point is that these little victories are MEANT to be easy to accomplish. The point isn’t that they make massive changes, the goal is to establish habits and routines that can be used as the foundation for further improvement.

[mytransjourneyblog-blog]

5 Months Later

Well it has been 5 months since my last blog post, mostly because I wasn’t sure if I should do this at all... also because I forgot the login details after losing a hard drive!

Some progress has been made, though maybe not as much as hoped. This is still a very scary process for me.

So I started laser hair removal on my face. Had two sessions so far, with the third booked a few weeks from now. I’d love to have it done to other areas really, but it is expensive. Not really noticed much or any difference, but that is not really surprising for only two sessions. 

Feels great to have started though! Like to think that this time next year I will have no facial hair at all, ever again, is just amazing. 

My girlfriend also told her parents about my transition for me. She has a MTF aunt in her family already, so while maybe not all of her family is going to really understand they are at least already exposed to the concept. Nothing has really been said or done since, but it’s nice to know that should I have makeup on or the like at her house it hopefully will not be a big deal.

Final bit of progress is that I have a doctors appointment booked for next week. I’ve not been to the doctors in over a decade and have never mentioned to them about this, so I am really not sure what to expect. Fortunately while the doctor I’m seeing is not my old doctor from childhood, she is someone who used to work there at that time. As such I know her by name and I think I’ll recognise her by face maybe when I see her. That might make things easier.

Unfortunately my father and twin still do not know about my transition. My plan from November onward was to tell them at the start of the new year... but 4 months later they still do not know. 

It’s just such a scary proposition for me. Everyone else I have told I hoped and assumed they would be at least accepting to some degree, even if they didn’t fully understand. However, due to currently living with my dad it could shake my situation a lot if he ends up reacting badly.

I plan to tell him after my doctors appointment, so that I hopefully have a bit more information. To be honest I do not expect him to understand really at all. He’s casually racist, homophobic and transphobic, although almost entirely out of ignorance. Like the old relative who doesn’t realise calling them “blacks” is offensive... In the past he has referred to trans women (as a group, not to an individual) as he-shes. Not to cause offense, but just because in his mentality there isn’t anything wrong with that.

As such you can see why I have no idea how he is truly going to react. I’m not telling my twin because he is very close to my father, and if I tell one then the other will end up knowing very quickly.

[mytransjourneyblog-blog]

So tonight was my first time wearing a dress. I think it’s kind of cute, but I’m still really selfconscious about dressing as a female. It feels good though and it made me happy, so that’s what counts I guess :)