#mulch diggums

[literally-iris]

"Oh Artemis Fowl would be an Athena kid, Artemis would be a Tyche kid-" EHHHH wrong (In my opinion at least).

Artemis would be a Nike kid. POSSIBLY a Hermes kid.

My argument for Nike is that little boy LOVES having the last word. He hates losing and finds it BLASPHEMOUS when somebody proves him wrong. And for Hermes? The dude kidnaps a fairy, swindles them out of gold, and continues to trick and manipulate people throughout the entire series.

[weeinterpreter]

What the LEP Would Post on Social Media

🌰 Holly Short (Captain, certified chaos magnet)

Close-up selfies with bruises: “Day 4 of being shot at. Still cute tho.”

“This mission is confidential, but here’s a blurry shot of a troll eating a bench.”

Wears the same cap in every pic.

🦄 Foaly (Tech wizard, internet addict, conspiracy gremlin)

Long, unhinged threads about human stupidity: “Why your iPhone could never decode fairy encryption: a 33-part rant”

Co-hosts a podcast called “Underground and Unbothered”: weekly segments include “Root’s Rants of Rage” and “Mulch, Why Do You Exist?”

Uses his horse emoji as a signature.

🚬 Commander Root (The reason the LEP has stress leave policies)

Profile pic is a blurry CCTV still of him yelling

Only posts when furious, but then it's all caps, misspellings, and keyboard slams: “I SWEAR IF ONE MORE OF YOU POSTS ABOUT OPERATION BOGFOOT...”

Accidentally posted his grocery list once and blamed Foaly for hacking him.

💪 Trouble Kelp (Golden boy, tactician, and unofficial model for tactical gear)

Tactical gear thirst traps “for morale”

Quotes like “Discipline is magical” over black-and-white training pics

Once did a “5 Books That Shaped My Command Style” post. It went viral. Foaly mocked him for a week.

💩 Mulch Diggums (certified menace and professional escape artist)

Prison cooking hacks + “prison wine” recipes

Proudly posts selfies in stolen LEP gear: “They’ll never catch me again!” — tagged at LEP headquarters

Has been banned 7 times. Always comes back with a slightly different handle: mulch_diggums, mulchdiggz, m.d.wormboi

Want more?

What the Fowls/Butlers Would Post on Social Media

What the Villains Would Post on Social Media

[af-answers]

[theblackrainbowyt]

This is so dumb

[witherydithery]

This has strong Mulch energy

[shortace]

Sudden disturbing realisation that a dwarf's philosophy towards a lifelong commitment is identical to my philosophy towards laundry.

Mulch Diggums et al: If it don't stink, marry it. Me: If it don't stink, put it back in the wardrobe.

[coreywithnoname]

Whatever Artemis had going for him

[checkoutmybookshelf]

I mean...this combination of depth and toilet humor is literally Shakespearean, so A+ for Eoin Colfer.