#multimisia

[this-is-multigenderphobia]

after seeing i had she/he as my pronouns, a discord user started saying shit to me like "are you an alien lol", "what are you actually", and "pick a side" :(

This is multiphobia (and plain being a transphobic asshole)

Mod reply

That's so awful. Making fun of someone's pronouns? Youd think people would be past that, but no actually, apparently a simple thing like using two sillables together that are not the ones people would expect paired is enough to warrant invasive and disrespectful questions. I'm really sorry anon, I feel you, you didnt deserve that 🫂

[this-is-multigenderphobia]

diluting my gender to just transmasc or even just trans man so people dont make fun of me for "being a label collector" or for "being cringe" or tell me that im "making it hard for people to take The Real [binary monogender] Trans People seriously"

This is multiphobia.

Mod reply

this is just horrible anon, im so sorry. You and your identity are as real and as valid as binary monogender ones and you deserve to be respected and taken seriously. you dont deserve that and im very sorry, I know how it feels to be afraid to be yourself, but I promise you're amazing and valid as you are, your experiences, feelings, identities are real and important and nobody should dare to make fun of you for your gender. Take care anon, you're always welcome here and there are lots of people who support and love us, I know it's hard out there but you dont have to try and appeal to people who dont care about you. I got you <3

[this-is-multigenderphobia]

Saw someone on here saying that multigender people can't be lesbians (specifically multigender people whose identity includes "man")

I think it was because they didn't believe that multigender is a thing? But they didn't outright say that.

This is multiphobia.

Mod reply

Multigender people cant be lesbians is certainly a take alright. Multigender means that one's gender identity encompasses multiple different genders, and someone is not less of a woman because they're also a man for example. To say that identities like lesbian, veldian/gay or straight are monogender exclusive is like, Extreme Multiphobia. Just trying to separate yourself from multigender people and exclude us from our labels??? Labels that we've been using for years alongside monogender people?? Not ours as in we invented them, but ours as in they belong to us as much as they belong to the rest of the community.

People went from saying "only women and non binary people can be lesbians" (subtext, multigender people are either non binary seen as neutral thing gender, so included, or not women enough, so excluded) to "only people whose identity does not encompass man can be lesbians" (aka only monogender, multigender in rare cases, people who arent men can be lesbians???)

I was pissed a while ago at someone talking about how non binary people can be lesbians because they dont fit the binary so what other terms do they have?? And like. We have other words you know. Some of us are just lesbians. You didnt even bother to research the words non binary people use to describe their attraction, like enbian, feminamoric, viriamoric, etc. you just dont want us using what you perceive as "your words", even though they're ours too.

I dont even know how to word the frustration I feel every time I hear this kind of rethoric. Also how it always happens with the label lesbian but you rarely see this kind of big discourse around veldian or straight. No one is battling to make it so multigender people cant call themselves straight, but everyone is concerned about possible men infiltrating lesbian spaces. Like, at that point it's just gender essentialism again? Sorry for being a girl and a boy! Sorry that being a boy makes it impossible to be a lesbian and being a girl makes it impossible to be veldian, you bet im going to be barred from being straight too because of being a boy and a girl!! I should just go away and create my own labels and community, is that not what you want at the end of the day by pushing this rethoric? To exclude us from the community by portraying yourselves as the "ones who deserve to be here" and us as the "ones taking away what is yours"?

You [general you directed to people with this kind of thought process] will pride yourself on loving trans people and protecting the vulnerable trans groups and yet would rather bar multigender people out of our community and refuse to engage with our struggles and our experiences because it's too outside the binary for you??

Sorry for ranting anon, it's just this wholeee situation's got me very mad.

[this-is-multigenderphobia]

I am questioning if i'm pangender and i told my friend, they said "that's impossible"

This is multigenderphobia.

Mod reply

No idea what to even say other than clearly it's not since we exist. But anyway, good ol oppositional sexism at play here, clearly all genders are mutually exclusive by definition. If you want to identify as pangender anon, that's valid as fuck and super cool. You're welcome in my inbox for whatever you need, even gender questioning stuff, I got your back <3

[this-is-multigenderphobia]

I keep having this conversation where I have to remind one of my queer friends that I am a man and they reply "oh but you don't count because you're nonbinary" and I say "being nonbinary doesn't make me not a man" and they say something along the lines of "but you're not like a man man. Not like really a man." (what they are trying to say is you're not a cis man, you're not a binary man, you are not the demographic I'm talking about right now or I'm using the non-men definition of sapphic and would like to include you in that definition)

I've had two separate instances of trans women friends needing a moment for it to click why saying "you're not a man" to your trans man friend is not cool even if he's polygender. For what it's worth the one of the two who I'd had a longer back and forth along the lines mentioned above with was mortified afterwards once it did click.

This is just a they weren't thinking thing not any malicious intent on anyone's part.

What frustrates me is that even other trans people, even other nonbinary people still have this idea stuck in their head that you're either nonbinary or you're a man or a woman but no one can truly be in multiple of these categories and anyone who says they are is actually just nonbinary. People can be so stuck in this that they will argue with you about your own identity and it's difficult to get people to snap out of that

This is multiphobia and transphobia.

Mod reply, feel free to ignore:

Sometimes people want to talk about perisex monogender cis men, and not anyone who doesn't fit that demographic. That's fair! But the way many end up conflating "pericis monogender manhood" with "true manhood" ends up just being transphobic. To say to a trans person who says they are a man "you're not like really a man" (aka, you're not a *real* man) is transphobic. It's stating that the only real men are pericis monogender ones, and everyone else doesn't have access to "real manhood", that their manhood is less because they're trans.

That's textbook definition of transphobia, especially towards non binary people.

It's true, you can end up saying invalidating and discriminatory things without the intention to *be* invalidating or discriminatory. You're not tarnished forever because of it, even though the effect of those words is absolutely still hurtful, but it's good to learn to be better. We've all been ignorant once, nobody is born knowing everything.

A lot of people have, instead of decostructing the gender binary, simple added a third category, one again mutually exclusive from the other two; that's non binary. Effectively they create a gender trinary, having woman, man and non binary as genders but still presenting them as strict separate boxes. And with non binary being a broad label for anything that isnt "just man" or "just woman", multigender people are excluded from identifying with binary genders. Not only that, the sentiment ends up being "sure you're a man, but you're not really man" (because a real man would be a monogender binary man, and since you're multigender, therefore dont fit in the *monogender* binary man category, you're automatically part of the non binary category whether you want it or not. And because the non binary and binary category are exclusive in this framework, you cant be a binary man.)

I get your frustration a lot anon 🫂<33 your identity is valid and non binary and binary, man and non binary arent mutually exclusive concepts. People are so used to seeing womanhood and manhood as opposites that even if they recognise the existence of non binary people they just apply an "other" label instead of questioning the idea of man and woman as two opposites.

[this-is-multigenderphobia]

Same cistrans anon.

Thank you for your reply!! Didn't want to send another ask, but since you don't mind I need to complain a bit more 😭

I also have a problem with the way "straight" or "het" are used. Especially when people do posts like "ugh stupid cruel cishets". Like. I get what they mean. I really do.

But do they ever think about multigender people? I am cishet. I'm also trans. And gay. And more. And no, I won't shut up and stop being or calling myself "cishet" just because I'm queer. It's still part of what I am and I am no less queer because of that. I'm tired of feeling that monogender people are letting me in into their community and not that community is made for me too in the first place.

It's also weird to me personally how contradictory labels are called contradictory. No shade to that, I love contradictory labels and those who use them, I use them myself. But to me my labels aren't exactly contradictory. They make perfect sense to me. And sincerely I don't understand what so hard to get about someone being multigender and using different labels because of that. It's... It's so simple. What's not to get? Sometimes I feel like people just don't want to understand multigender people.

Wow, that's a lot. Sorry for the rant. Hope you have a nice day.

This is multiphobia.

Mod reply

Absolutely welcome to complain more, this is the point of this blog, a place where we can talk about our experiences and vent/rant about the discrimination and silencing we face.

"But do they even think about multigender people?" Unfortunately the answer is not really. Being aware of non binarinity isnt being aware of multigender people, and again, we're all kind of lumped into one category to then be discussed only with words that describe some of us.

You are part of the community and you are so right when it feels like not non binary trans/queer people seem to "allow us" into their community rather than recognising that we've always been part of it. Standing up and calling out for more intentional inclusion of non binary people is seen as annoying, unnecessary and overall too much. Pointing out that we exist and that others, especially within the trans community, *should* [pt: *should*] be making an active effort to include us in their discussions seems to be "asking for too much".

And you're right that what to others may seem contradictory, is kind of weird to label as such when it's just. How we exist. My existence and your existence arent contradictory. They simply are. My experience and your experience are simply described by different words, but people want to argue about semantics and exclusivity more than they want to actively learn about and understand their queer siblings.

It's so so frustrating, and even after ranting please do take some time to focus on your well being, because it's good to take things off your chest! And also thinking about negative things brings more negative thoughts, and these feelings of exclusion are hard to deal with. Treat yourself with kindness, you deserve it. Dont apologise for using a space meant for you. Im here just for that. I hope you have a very nice day too anon <3

[this-is-multigenderphobia]

I consider myself transfemmasc cause I first transitioned towards masculinity and then started transitioning towards femininity through masculinity (if that makes sense). But I also tend to use transmasc labels and I’d love to be able to use transfem as a label for when I feel more mascfem than femmasc (if that makes sense again)

But I feel like if I did that, I’d get harassed. I already got a lot of harassment for a while because of my posts about my transmasculinity (and later being genderfluid and fem sometimes) and I don’t want it to get worse by “appropriating” a term.

I’ve seen more than a few of my mutuals get harassed for just saying things in support of these identities. There is support though, so maybe it would be okay

-🍯!anon (same anon that had the ask about feeling like its femininity wasn’t valid btw)

This is multiphobia.

Mod reply

Hey 🍯! Nice to talk to you again <3

Absolutely it makes sense to me, I really love seeing how the same label has different nuances for different people. Im really sorry to hear about people harrassing you just for talking about your experiences, that's so awful, but you're not doing anything wrong for existing as yourself. Your not appropriating, it's your word if you want it to be, it's just a way to describe your gender. Just because most people use it to mean one thing, it doesn't mean that everyone uses it the same way, because identity labels are broad generalizations of different wildly nuanced and multifaceted experiences. The label itself cannot account for all those nuances- it's more like boiling them down to something they have in common, in this case, trans femininity, but how that is experienced and why and how it affects you is all things the labels cant say.

If you want to describe your experience that way, you can. I dont think it's right to tell someone that their way of experiencing something is any less valid just for being different from how people are used to conceptualize it. It's no different than saying that someone cant identify as butch if they're not a woman or have long hair or dress feminine or are shy and not physically strong. Like maybe it doesnt fit into how you are used to imagine the idea of a butch, but it doesnt mean that someone calling themselves a butch is "appropriating" if they dont fit that idea.

Ive seen people way more focused on labels as "what others perceive you as and treat you as" instead of "how you feel about yourself", and to me that's kind of sad. Defining everything through the lens of oppression, because it reduces the complexity and wonderfulness of gender identity to just the worst aspects of dealing with how society conceltualizes the ideas of genders and defying that. It's the same feeling of 'appropriation' and it's what society tries hard to instill into trans people, crossdressers, gender non conforming people, that if they dont fit neatly in the ideas society has, then they're doing something wrong and deserve to be punished or harrassed for it.

But anon, I promise, even though there will always be people too hellbent on their positions to try and understand anything else, the world has gotten more knowledgeable on binary transness compared to just 30 years ago, and it'll get better for non binary and multigender transness too. There will be more people ready to support you and defend you, so that whenever you want to say how you feel, you wont be alone <3 you can always come here if you need support <33