#this is multiphobia

[this-is-multigenderphobia]

having she/he as my pronouns means being constantly asked "are you tme or tma" or "what's your agab" or literally just "what's in your pants" sometimes

This is multiphobia (and good ol bioessentialism!)

Mod reply

God forbid they cant understand on which side of their binaries to put you! God forbid they dont know if to treat you like a woman or a man! God forbid it comes to their mind to treat you as a human being!

Just really shitty treatment all around. They need to know what assumptions to make about you, especially based on "what's in your pants". After that, they'll be able to deduce what experiences you had and couldnt have had, and what stereotypes and prejudices to apply. /Sarcasm

Im really sorry anon. I hope we can get to that era where everyone responded to this stupid question with funny quips and nobody in the community took it seriously.

[this-is-multigenderphobia]

I am affected by transandrophobia and every time I try to talk about the specific intersection of transphobia and misogyny transmascs+ experience, people accuse me of "using my agab as a shield against criticism" because "men can't experience misogyny", which is bullshit anyway, but especially hurtful because I am a woman? I'm a man and a woman, why is that so offensive to everyone?

I recently saw a post about "TMEs playing with gender" and it hurts that people apparently think my identity is just some kind of joke that I'm doing for fun or attention.

Also, I don't even identify as transmasc, but this stupid discourse is forcing me into another binary and I'm so tired.

This is multiphobia and transandrophobia.

Mod reply

Im so sorry anon, it really does suck that people cant recognize how multigender people can experience oppression. Because everyone is more focused on making oppression another binary.

The accusations of "using agab against criticism", implying that their assumption is that person is afab and probably in their mind, indistinguishable from a non trans monogender perisex woman, reveals a lot about how the accusers of that think. The idea that others might have certain experiences even when they dont identify as women or exclusively as women is like. Baffling to them. There's this idea that "afab trans people arent women but keep using the fact that their afab to assert their experiences over amab trans people" and like- it just really doesn't seem to happen in a lot of these cases but the response stems from that assumption.

Also the idea that anyone who talks about transandrophobia must be transmasc (which they conflate as being a men anyway even tho they're different things) or a trans men. It keeps happening to trans women who speak up about transandrophobia, so hey, so much for protecting trans women.

Im not even gonna get into the, men cant experience misogyny take, but I feel you anon, they really see man and woman as opposites so our existence just, never crosses their minds.

The whole TME's thing is absolutely vile, Ive met that too and gosh does it hurt. Im really sorry anon, who you are is important, it's wonderful and Im sorry others are too wrapped up in their own feelings to realize that. You dont have to be transmasc to talk about how transandrophobia affects you, and Im sorry that there's this whole transfem vs transmasc discourse. I loathe it. Seriously, I do, it's the thing that keeps making me feel excluded from the community, as I cant fit either category so I just dont exist to them. It sucks, and I get how you feel 🫂

[this-is-multigenderphobia]

You know the thing of "they/them stops being gender-neutral if you know the person's pronouns and they don't include they/them"? Adding onto that.

I've seen a lot of he/she folk specify that they don't go by they/them, do not refer to them by that. That shouldn't need to be said. It's fine that they are saying that- probably because they've been referred to as they/them before and want to stop that- but it shouldn't be necessary. If pronouns aren't in someone's preferred list- don't use them. They/them is not an exception. I say my pronouns are he/she, they/them not included. I didn't tell you to use they/them, so don't.

This affects many people, but I feel specifically multigender folk, because it's assumed that since we are multigender, we must also be neutral. Our genders must "cancel out" or whatever. We can't be multiple genders without being in-between. We can't just be he and she, we must also- or, often, instead- be they

Ofc, no hate to multigender they/them users! Y'all are completely valid too

{Also i know I've been using they/them in this ask. That was plural they/them, referring to the group, not any individuals}

the he/she Atlas/Soul who sent an ask a while ago

This is multiphobia and exorsexism.

Mod reply

I get this so much. I use ey/em, he/she, it/its but not they/them. They're fine I just dont prefer them for myself. I always do clarify that, because it really does feel like nobody expects anyone to not use they/them, even though monogender binary people do that all the time, when you're non binary or multigender it's kind of expected that you'll use or be fine with they/them because "they're the neutral pronouns and the non binary default pronouns". It's a mix of "genders = pronouns so if you're under the non binary umbrella you must use they/them" and "multigender is seen more as one neutral label than a combination of other gender labels". It's really not how that works! Use the pronouns people tell you and nothing else! There's no default pronouns for a certain gender and labels under the non binary umbrella arent automatically neutral!

[this-is-multigenderphobia]

Routine askbox update: absolutely nothing, no drafts either.

(also hey, do y'all like the replies I leave to the asks or nah? I can stop doing that because I know it's smth other this-is blogs have been asked not to do, but I also feel like it's an important part of being sent an ask, like replying to it, so do tell me if you appreciate it)

[this-is-multigenderphobia]

I hate how "cis" is used to mean "not transgender or not genderqueer in any way". I understand why and I don't know what would be a better word to use but it hurts me as someone who is cistrans. Just because I'm cis doesn't mean I can't be trans. And people would argue that if I'm nonbinary I don't have to use "cis" I can just say "trans". But I don't want to. "Cis" is still important to me. It's still a part of my identity. I'm not gonna drop it just because it confuses people.

This is multiphobia.

Mod reply

I get it anon, I understand why it's that way and I cant really fault anyone for their use of it, but at the same time it absolutely hurts cistrans people. People policing what labels non binary people get to use for themselves is absolutely multiphobia and exorsexism. I find a lot of people expect us to just call ourselves non binary, trans at most, since that's something many have argued we couldnt call ourselves, but to not use any more terms. If we're trans, then we're not cis, even though you'll see them arguing against afab transfems and amab transmascs saying that that part of their identity must be cis since it aligns with their assignment.

Here's the thing. Cis and trans are used to describe both someone's relationship with gender *and* the way they're viewed by society. Most people use them to mean both things at the same time, which is most often the case when talking about monogender binary trans people. Aka a trans woman is someone who transitions to be a woman (so their treatement by society is affected by them being trans. Access to healthcare, oppression and discrimination, the problems are born out the fact that society views them as trans) but also it's understood that to be trans means to feel closer to one gender with the specific experience of being denied access to it. Usually the definition ends up being "feeling like a gender other than the one imposed on you".

Now, here's the other thing. These two meanings usually go hand in hand when talking about monobinary trans people, but what happens when the trans community includes also non binary people? And what happens when everyone focuses on oppression, aka how society sees you rather than how you see yourself?

Then you get non binary people being imposed or denied the trans label based on "objective factors". Non binary masc but born with in a mulleripathian body and being afab? You're trans, because society will see you as "basically a trans man" and your experiences can now be lumped together with those of trans men. Masc but born in a wolffipathian body and being amab? Sorry, but you're not trans. Society wont see you as such, that means you dont get oppressed (still on the basis that non binary people don't need to transition medically or socially based on their proximity to their assigned gender), so you identifying as trans "muddles" the experiences of the "oppressed trans" who are targeted with the experiences of someone who is "cis enough" to not be oppressed. /Of course this reasoning is bullshit, forgive my language, but I find that's how some people think.

Trans and cis become oppression-based labels, they become, you guessed it, a new binary of two mutually exclusive boxes. If you're (assumed) close enough to the experiences of monobinary trans people, you're trans, whether you want it or not, and if you're (assumed) too close to the experiences of cis people, then you're cis, whether you want it or not. Either you are oppressed, or you arent, and the inclusion of the "not oppressed enough" in the "actually oppressed" talks is Bad™.

And everyone forgets the fact that cis and trans are personal identity labels that have a meaning solely about someone's relationship with their gender.

You are cistrans, your identity is yours to define and you dont have to strip it away of its complexity and nuance and multifaceted nature just to make it more palatable to other people. You deserve to feel actively remembered and included in discussions around being trans without denying your identity as cis. I wish you all the best anon, and the ask box is always open if you need <3

[this-is-multigenderphobia]

the terms “non men” n “non women” i think ? they irritate me sooo bad, like please so many of us CANT be non women pr non men when alot of us ARE BOTH

This is multiphobia and exorsexism.

Mod reply

Absolutely agree. Non men and non women terminology is supposed to make labels more inclusive, but actually puts a hard boundary for who is not allowed in and ends up cutting out more people. It's also claimed to be "non binary inclusive" because people tend to see non binary as a third neutral nonman-nonwoman gender, and while that is the case for some people, it's not for a lot of others. Especially multigender and genderfluid people, but also demigender people, and people who are systems, and anyone with a more complex relationship with gender than "guy so not girl" or "girl so not guy".

Here's a post with some links to this-is-internoirism discussions on how non man non woman terminology fails to be more inclusive and ends up being intersexist, exorsexist, transphobic, multiphobic and also has an history of being racially charged. [Link]

[this-is-multigenderphobia]

The time I was invited to a men's spirituality group after I started transitioning and, when I was honest about the fact that I was genderfluid, was told "well I don't think we're equipped to handle thaaaaat" by the facilitator. Like okay. Push me back into the closet I fucking guess

This is multiphobia.

Mod reply

That's so shitty what. I dont even know what to say because wow, they really just said that?? Im so sorry anon, that sucks

[this-is-multigenderphobia]

after seeing i had she/he as my pronouns, a discord user started saying shit to me like "are you an alien lol", "what are you actually", and "pick a side" :(

This is multiphobia (and plain being a transphobic asshole)

Mod reply

That's so awful. Making fun of someone's pronouns? Youd think people would be past that, but no actually, apparently a simple thing like using two sillables together that are not the ones people would expect paired is enough to warrant invasive and disrespectful questions. I'm really sorry anon, I feel you, you didnt deserve that 🫂