Sexual assault is a crime that effects not just its victim, but everyone that person has loved or will ever love. I have experienced the after effects of what it can do to someone long-term. It is a haunting thing that simply does not go away. Those people that tell women to “deal with it" and “move on" make me sick to my stomach. Rape is the dirtiest of four letter words. It is by far the most humiliating thing a person can go through. The following is a story about an experience I had with someone I cared a lot about and how her past experience tore us apart.
The first time I saw her she was with my cousin Kelli at a church trivia night function that my mother used to host every year. I was hungover from the previous night so I had my hat riding pretty low, but I noticed her a mile away. I went and introduced myself and chatted up my cousin for a bit, but my mind and my eyes never left Kim. She reminded me of a young Marilyn Monroe. She was stunning. During the intermission there was a time when she got up and excused herself and as I saw her walking I felt beads of sweat forming on my brow.
I stayed in contact with Kim after that event and we had amazing chemistry. She was a lawyer who also did volunteer work at a nursery. She loved babies. She loved to hold them. She had such a passion for life and seemed to often daydream about being a mother, having a family. I found her fascinating. Kim was so different. She had a language all her own and I just constantly found myself so happy just to know her. We had set a date to see each other again and our first date was very unorthodox. I invited Kim to stay with me for the weekend. Our first date was 3 days long. Friday was a little awkward because both of us didn’t know what the fuck we were doing, but by Saturday when we both woke up next to each with all of our clothes on we seemed to figure things out. I never made a move on her, I never kissed her, I just let her and I experience things naturally and it was wonderful. One of the best experiences I’ve ever had and I haven’t encountered anyone else who had tried a first date like that.
We saw each a few more times. When we were finally intimate I could sense something was off with her. There were times she would be timid and then there times she was hell bent on making sure I was satisfied and wanted approval. I never asked, but I had a looming feeling that something bad had happened. We become closer and closer and at one point I remember her telling me that needed to share something with me. Unfortunately by the time she would “share" that with me it was already too late. That next weekend I remember we were at the store shopping before going over to a friends house. Things were perfect. We were happy. She went shopping for her stuff, I went shopping for mine, we met in the middle of the store. At my friend’s place she was charming and sweet and I just remember being in awe of being with her. That night it happened. When we got home she initiated it. Something had turned her on being control. We were going at it when all of a sudden something changed. It was as if she went someplace else staring off into space. She looked at me in a strange way and I instantly stopped. "What’s wrong?" I asked. She then pulled the covers up and just laid there for awhile as I held her. We fell asleep, but later that evening I awoke to find her missing. I was startled to find her outdoors sitting under a shade tree at 3 that next morning. Later that day she was fine, she was happy before she left. It would be the last time I saw her.
Two days later I get a phone call. The person on the other end of the phone did not sound like Kim. She told me a story about an experience she had in college. It was horrific. She then went on to explain that something the other night triggered the memories. When I asked what it was she told me the only thing she remembered from her assault was that there was a ceiling fan spinning similar to mine that she tried to focus on after she knew her attacker was not going to “stop". In between her tears she told me she wasn’t going to be able see me for awhile. She started attending therapy for this as she had told me she had never sought help for it and it had destroyed a lot of her relationships. Rape is truly a powerful thing if something as small as a ceiling fan spinning can trigger the most terrible event in your life. My relationship to Kim was never the same. Putting yourself in a moment where an event so painful was triggered is horrific all in itself. I was never able to recover from that. I didn’t know what to say or if I did see her again how I would be able to be intimate with her without being scared I might do something wrong. Within two weeks of that trigger my relationship to Kim was completely destroyed. It took me a long time to get over her. I carried a bit of her pain with me. I carried her secret with me. It was a different kind of heartbreak. Rape is a serious crime. It really can effect a lot of different people. I still think about Kim sometimes. If she’s able to love. If she’s able to be loved. If that memory of what happened to her still lingers or if she’s found the strength to accept it and begin to heal. I loved her, but something someone did to her completely destroyed that love. I’m glad I could share this story with you and I hope it offers some insight to how this terrible thing can effect anyone around the victim. Thank you.
