𝕓𝕖𝕥𝕨𝕖𝕖𝕟 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕙𝕖𝕒𝕧𝕖𝕟𝕤 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕖𝕞𝕓𝕖𝕣𝕤 . 𝕡𝕒𝕣𝕥 𝟚
fandom: hazbin hotel
relationship: adam x demon!reader
summary: A week after the exterminations, you find yourself living what you only ever thought would be a daydream; stepping foot inside the Heaven Embassy to speak to an archangel, who has a very special offer to make you.
additional tags: very blatant criticism of the canon show, straight up charlie slander, banter, swapping numbers, reader is an imp-succubus mix, john mulaney, castlevania, qnd school of rock references if you focus, set up kinda like a blind date
a/n: dividers provided by @cafekitsune and I am so sorry this took me over a year to finish 😅
part 1.
You were really hoping that you were remembering the time correctly, because from the moment you woke up, you had sort of scrambled about your place getting ready for your scheduled meeting at the Heaven Embassy.
Before you left, you spent a solid hour trying to find a way to take your angelic weapon with you without having to worry about drawing unwanted attention. By an awesome stroke of luck, you found an old instrument case that was just a good enough fit for you to carry it around.
With your ‘guitar case’ in hand, you arrived in the Pride Ring via the Asmodean crystal which you had fashioned into a single earring. Much simpler than taking the Hellevator. While walking the streets, you once again made an effort to keep a low profile, unsure of how many people might recognize you from Extermination Day. Wasn’t too difficult of a feat, considering more than half the citizens of Pentagram City were too caught up in their own misery to look your way.
As you approached the center of the city, you picked up the pace a little bit with an excited little tingle in your tail as you climbed the steps leading up to the giant golden double doors. The Heaven embassy resembled a church or chapel of sorts with a giant hourglass acting as a body for the clock to sit atop. Never in your whole entire life did you ever think you’d get the opportunity to see what it looked like on the inside, but here you stood.
Hesitation stayed your hand before you could push the door open, your excitement dimmed slightly by that little twinge of doubt that followed you everywhere you went. The one that liked to play tricks on you at the most random of times, telling you things that you rationally knew weren’t true, but still bothered you. Gently resting your hand against the door, you pushed those thoughts to the back of your head where they belonged and sighed, deciding to not waste any more time.
As you entered, you were welcomed by a soft gust of cool air like the place was air conditioned. The whole interior of the building was the total opposite of the outside world, very well kept like a lobby with muted indigo tones accented with rose gold details and a nice diffuser smell in the air, not to mention the spiralish light fixture hanging from the ceiling. But what stood out to you the most was how empty the place was, so quiet you could hear a pin drop. As you walked up to the front desk, which had no one attending it, you spun around to get a full 180° view of the place, admiring the pristine architecture, the soft tap of your feet against the off white runner echoing throughout the building.
Tapping the call bell, you glanced around to watch for anyone to come along, only to be surprised by a floating piece of golden parchment accompanied by a quill. You took both and set the sign-in sheet against the desk so you could write your name easier, wondering if perhaps there may have once been an attendant or receptionist who worked here before they ultimately decided this would be easier.
The paper floated back upwards, and a door opened up on your left. Must be yours.
“Hello,” you spoke up into the dark empty room. “Am I too early, or…?” you wondered aloud, until the lights very suddenly turned on, making you almost drop your case and jump to the high as heck ceiling.
“Nah, you’re right on time.”
Your wings flared in startle and your heart almost leaped right out of your chest as you whipped around. Upon seeing the familiar masked face of the head exorcist seated at the far end of the oval table with a plate of barbecued ribs, you relaxed and let out a breathy chuckle, “Fhuck, hi.” as you set your case down on the floor beside your seat, pressing a hand to your chest to feel your thrumming heart beneath it. Something told you this might become a regular thing in the future.
“Hey, thanks for coming.” he said, offering you a friendly grin and setting down the rib bone he had stripped clean of its meat, somehow leaving no stains on his mask…
How did he even eat with that mask on?
Tossing that thought to the side, you shook off the initial shock and walked around the table to shake his outstretched hand. For a second you wondered why he seemed just a tad too eager about it, but then your hand phased right through his and it clicked as he cackled. As much as you tried to be annoyed about it, you couldn’t help but laugh a little too. Honestly, you probably would have done the exact same thing.
“Hahaha ha! Ahh fuck, I don’t care who you are, that’s funny.” Adam laughed, brushing a finger under his eye as if to wipe a tear away. You just roll your eyes and cross your arms.
“So we’re essentially doing a really advanced Zip call?” you ask, tilting your head slightly to the side.
“Oh yeah. No offense, but I try to avoid that place as much as I can. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the vibes are immaculate, metal as fuck. But at the same time, it’s just so-” Adam said, using his hands for emphasis and moving one in a circular motion as he trailed off.
“Depressing?” you suggested.
“Bingo.” he said, snapping his fingers.
You chuckled and shook your head, walking back towards your end of the table, gently dragging your fingertips along the smooth surface. “Yeah, you’re not wrong there. Pentagram City sucks.” you said, taking your seat, and it really sunk in just how real this all was.
“Uh.. just double checking, I’m not in any trouble, am I?” you asked, fiddling with your fingers. You had just gotten adjusted to a manageable routine in your life, so the last thing you wanted was to get tangled up in trouble with Heaven’s higher-ups.
“Babes, if you were in trouble, you wouldn’t be here today.” Adam replied brough half a mouthful of meat. Your pointed ear twitched slightly when he called you that. “But hey, we’ve got some time, so tell you what-” he paused to swallow. “How ‘bout we get properly acquainted, huh? Feeling peckish?”
As he nudged the plate of ribs your way, you caught yourself in two seconds upon remembering he was a projection. “Nice try.” you grinned, arching an eyebrow and crossing one leg over the other. Cheeky bastard.
Adam seemed momentarily surprised that you saw through his attempt to prank you a second time before he looked amused.
“I think I’m gonna like you.” he said, leaning forward with one elbow on the table.
Your smile widened as you puffed out a little nose laugh. “I’m (Name), by the way.”
“I’m Adam, aka Dickmaster.”
Something had to be seriously wrong with you in order for you to actually find that funny, dare-you-say charming for him to call himself that unironically. And then it occurred to you.
“Wait, you mean you’re.. Adam Adam? Like, the fir-”
Your mouth hung ajar as you put two and two together and it sunk in exactly who you were talking to. The aforementioned man just grinned at you, quirking a brow as he watched your thought process.
“Oh… Oh- OH!” you exclaimed as your brain finished processing all the information.
Adam. The first man and core ancestor of all humans… which was kinda weird to think about so you tossed that notion to the back of your mind.
More than that, he was the first person to ever get cheated on and thanks to the big boss of hell and his wife, lost everything because they manipulated his second wife into breaking the primary rule that Heaven had set for them. How he came to be the leader of the angelic army, you weren’t sure, but all things considered, you didn’t blame him, whatever his reasoning was.
“That… is don’t think we have the time to unpack all of that.” you said, pushing your hair back from your forehead.
“Yeah, there’s a lot going on there.” Adam said simply, setting down a bare rib bone on his plate. “But hey, what’s the haps with you? I thought imps didn’t have wings.” He added, resting his face against his knuckle and moving his index finger in a circular motion in your direction.
“Oh, I’m only half imp. The other half of me is.. uh… succubus..” you explained, trailing off slightly at the end when you suddenly remembered that his first wife Lilith is technically the mother of all succubi and incubi. Lilith, the thriving Queen of Hell who ruined Adam and Eve’s, and by extension, their children’s lives.
Even with a mask on, you could see a subtle shift in his expression, a hint of upset in the way his eyebrows lowered and his eyes hardened ever so slightly. It wasn’t at you, but rather the reminder of the main perpetrator of almost all of the suffering that Adam had to endure during his life.
You cleared your throat and offered a small “Sorry,” not for being half succubus, that’s just how you were born, but for what Lilith had done to him all those millennia ago. Adam let out a small puff of air and you watched his face soften ever so slightly once more.
“Don’t sweat it. I was just in here with that bitch’s daughter yesterday, and I prefer this whole thing we’ve got going here.” he waved off, to which your jaw dropped.
“Ugh, you had to talk to her yesterday?” you asked, crossing your arms and leaning forward in your seat with an incredulous grin.
“Yeah, her daddy asked her last minute to take his place in our meeting, right? And I could already hear her singing all the way outside before she got here.”
Still smiling, you cringed at the thought, covering half your face with one hand and peeking through your fingers. You’ve heard the princess sing before, and suffice to say, you’d much rather listen to Backstreet Boys on repeat for forty-eight hours.
“She walks in here, and I pull the same handshake shit I did on you,” he chucked mid sentence and you just rolled your eyes, still smiling. “And then she falls for the same thing like twenty seconds later!”
By now he was actually laughing and you could help but catch it, leaning back in your seat and holding a hand to your forehead.
“Why am I not surprised?”
“Yeah, and she was about to start yapping about this project she’s been working on, right? So I wasted basically the entire meeting just talking shit. And then I give her a foothold at the last minute and this bitch starts singing-”
“Oh no...” you half groaned half laughed, slumping deeper in your chair and pressing the heels of your palms to your eyes. “Was it about her hote-”
“Yeah it was about her hotel. You know about that?”
Sitting up straight, you slammed your hands on the table. “Know about it? She made a complete ass of herself on live television just last week singing about it!” you exclaimed, stretching one arm behind you out the door. “It was so painful to watch, I almost threw up.”
“No shit, I was about to get acid reflux myself, so I cut her off and absolutely crushed her with an fuckin’ banger.” he replied, briefly posing his arms as if he were holding a guitar. Oh, the money you would pay that you didn’t have to get to see that.
“She was on the news last week, right after exterminations, and starts talking about rehabilitation being an alternative to the exterminations, which by itself is just..” you trailed off, waving your hand, reaching for the right way to phrase it. “Over the hills and into new lands of snake-fuckingly crazy. Even if it worked, there’s no way it could possibly keep the population in check as well as the exterminations.”
You felt yourself getting a little warmer as you began to rant. “This bitch even has the balls to say no one was even given a chance. Yes they were! And then they died and now they’re in hell!”
Adam himself found himself intrigued by the way you got riled up by the topic of the princess. “I am not yanking your tail when I say this, when she was in here yesterday, she was all ‘everyone makes mistakes.’” he said, his voice mockingly girlish when he quoted Charlie.
“Shut the fuck up, no she did not.”
Adam just shrugged and shook his head in response, making your blood come to a boil. Yeah, like rape, abuse, cannibalism, and murder could be excused as mistakes. They did those things of their own volition, it was their own conscious choice, and now they were paying the price for it.
“You wanna know the worst part?” you asked, shaking your head slightly and arching your eyebrow. “She calls sinners her people. Sinners. Not us, never us. Of course it’s not enough that she’s naive and incompetent, but she’s putting all this effort and time towards defending them, all while ignoring the imps and hellhounds who live in this ring. Lucifer doesn’t either.”
Adam wasn’t too surprised by that, seeing as how when he called for a meeting for the first time in years, Lucifer couldn’t be fucked to show up and sent his air headed daughter.
What he didn’t realize was exactly how little of a shit he and his brat give about the hellborn folk who were native to that realm, including you. Though considering who’s spent the last seven years lounging about the Eden beachfront, he supposed that he shouldn’t be too surprised. As you continued to vent, his gaze was focused on the way your face crinkled slightly and your eyes lit up, literally.
“It’s not like we did anything to end up here, this is where we’re born. And sinners just land here and stick around for-freaking-ever and overpopulate the place. It’s why we even have the exterminations in the first place, and they don’t even spare us a sideways fucking glance!”
With that last exclamation, you heard your voice reverberate throughout the room and realized your Wrathian was showing. The light behind your eyes was growing brighter, your wings were flared, and you were baring your teeth.
“I need to calm down.” you sighed, fixing your posture and setting your hands down on the table, a little embarrassed by your outburst. You had gotten used to cooling down quickly after getting riled up over the years. But what you heard next took you aback.
“No, get mad!”
You lifted your gaze to see Adam grinning at you, leaning forward with intrigue. “You have every single right to be fuckin’ pissed. Nobody, but nobody, wants those fucking sinners around. Christ, never thought I’d say this, but you actually deserve better.”
Holy shit, that’s something you weren’t expecting to hear today.
“Actually, that reminds me of why I called you here.” Adam said as he sat up straight in his seat.
“I saw you during extermination day.” he stood from his chair and began to walk around the table towards you, and it gradually became apparent just how much bigger he was than you.
“I saw how much fun you were having, jumping from one kill to the next like a pinball. Completely on your own, too.” He was behind you now, his gaze still locked on you, and you felt a little knot tie itself in your tummy under his gaze.
“So I figured, if you can do all that while at the bottom of Hell’s pyramid, I wonder what more you could do if you were in the right position?”
You sat up straight in your seat and your tail flicked slightly as you got an inkling as to what he was getting at. “What do you mean?”
Adam leaned down to get closer to your eye level. “What I mean is, how would you like to become an exorcist?”
. . .
“Huh?” was all you could manage to get out after sitting there for a moment with your mouth ajar. He just grinned at your confusion, standing back up and walking back towards his end of the table, his hand dragging along the surface.
“Think about it, this is your best chance to stick it to that privileged little cunt. She cares more about the souls of the damned than you and your people? Well, if you do this, then she won’t be able to turn a blind eye to you anymore.”
It threw you for a loop just how much he was making sense right now. Last week, you thought the first time you wielded an exorcist blade would be the last, and now you had this golden opportunity being presented to you. It seemed a little too good to be true.
“Can you even do that?” you asked, turning your head slightly in incredulity. Regardless of how your values and motives were aligned, you were still a demon. Would they even allow you access to heaven at all?
“I’m in good with the high seraphim, I can get you a hearing with them so you can make your case.” Adam explained further, giving you a brief finger gun. Huh, an actually useful case of nepotism. “Once you get the green light from her, you’ll be set.”
Literally, holy fuck. This was for real.
After so many years of imagining a day like this, here you were, living in it. Though you didn’t exactly expect it to go down like this, getting a job offer from a freaking archangel. You swore to Asmodeus himself that if you woke up tomorrow and this turned out to be a really immersive dream, you were going to Earth and never coming back.
“Oh, by the way, real quick, you still got that spear you nabbed last week?” Adam asked, resting his elbows on the table. “Yeah, I’m gonna need that back.”
Oh right, you almost forgot about that. You reached over and brought the case up onto the table and flipped the latches to open it up, taking the spear out with care, and before you could even set it down, the spear seemed to evaporate upwards in your own hands.
Huh, okay. That was pretty convenient.
Shortly afterwards, in a quick flash of heavenly light that made you squeeze your eyes shut, you peeked one eye open to see a leaf bladed sword hovering in front of you, the simple yet intricate engravings on the hilt portraying the divinity of its makings.
“This one should be more your size. So, time to decide.” Adam said, once again leaning forward, this time resting his chin on the backs of his hands with his elbows on the table. “You can continue on marching to the Morningstars caravan and keep taking the punches, or you can stand with us and punch them right back.”
The choice was yours now, and it was easy as pie.
A smile spread across your face as your wings flared and you pushed against the table, launching yourself out of your seat to grasp onto the sword by the hilt. Hovering just a foot over the table, you held the sword aloft in your hand and the exhilarating reality drew a laugh from your throat.
“I’m in.”
Your lack of hesitation seemed to take Adam aback for a moment, but the look of surprise was quickly replaced by a smile. Not really a grin like the ones he had on before, just like he was seriously delighted that you had agreed, and so easily too.
“Thank you. Really. Not just for the sword, but, you know…”
This opportunity to change everything.
“No sweat, babe. And here,” Adam quickly plucked one of his flight feathers and used it as a writing quill to quickly scribble something down on a note, before zipping it over your way. “I’ll let you know when it’s your time.”
Is the first time you’ve ever gotten a guy’s number seriously from a freaking archangel?
“Thanks, again.” you said, tucking the piece of parchment into your pocket for later before standing and taking the sheath that came with your new weapon. “So, I’ll see you later?”
“If I can get through to Sera, you will.”
You smile, standing up straight with your chin up, feeling more confident than you have in a hot minute, and glad that last week wasn’t the last you ever saw of the first man.
“I can’t wait.”
Once the doors to the meeting room were sealed shut, you took another deep breath and sighed happily, securing the sword sheath around your waist before walking- almost skipping- down the carpeted lobby of the embassy, laughter bubbling in your throat and escaping as you exited the building.
The air outside was warm and dry as always, but even that couldn’t damped your mood. Instead of descending the staircase, you flared your wings and took off into the skies, your elation giving you a charge of adrenaline so you could easily reach that same spire which you had perched on the week before. But this time, when you gazed up at the far off pearly gates in the sky, your heart thrummed with excitement instead of longing, and a smile was threatening to give you a cramp in your jaw.
You always knew deep down that one day things were going to change. And now, they’re finally going to.
tag list 🏷️ @anxiousandcaffinated @ithopi0s @cosmiiwrites @activesplooger @missexiled @villainsimpqueen thank all of you again for being so patient <3
