SUMMARY: There's something watching over Cheryl's little brother. It sits on his crib and waits and no one seems to notice. In the absence of a mother and in the wake of family grief, even Cheryl is starting to tell herself it isn't there.
Cheryl's life is very complicated. She had a mum and now she has a baby brother and she doesn't have a mum anymore.
She used to think people were excited about babies but no one seems excited for this one and for a little girl it's all terribly, terribly confusing.
Babies are good, people like them but dad says that this one killed mum and she doesn't know what to think or do.
Adults don't talk to her about what's going on either. Her aunt has come to stay, she looks after the baby because dad won't. Dad won't go near him. He just drinks and Cheryl misses her mum more than ever.
Baby John was sick for a while, he's only been home from the hospital a few days now and even now the grown ups shun her from his room, they whisper to themselves and to no one and the house is a confusing mixture of mourning and new life. Cries and whispers.
Cheryl had looked forward to having a brother, she still thinks babies are exciting but when mum was pregnant she never imagined the baby coming home without her. The whole situation is different now.
For a little girl there aren't a lot of answers. Maybe the adults think they're being kind by sheltering her from it but it scares her more not understanding why everything is like this.
Dad doesn't act right, mum is gone and there's a stranger crying in her house every night. A little baby she doesn't think anyone wants.
She feels sorry for him and she's young, she doesn't think the way they do yet, the way the grown ups do with their hushed voices and their secrets and her dad's liquor.
Cheryl goes from room to room in the house, confused and ignored. Her aunt takes care of the baby but she won't stay forever and even Cheryl is old enough to worry about what that means.
Dad hasn't acted right since he came back from the hospital. He sits in his chair and he drinks and he cries. He doesn't go to the baby and he's being cold to Cheryl now too.
She's heard him muttering. He blames the boy but John is just a baby and she doesn't see how a baby can murder someone.
She doesn't understand what went wrong and no one seems to want to tell her.
She always thought babies were a good thing.
There's something in John's room too. She's only seen it in glimpses, when she hangs in doorways and watches aunt Dolly change his diaper.
It hovers over the crib like a shadow and she doesn't know what it is. She thinks she might even be imagining it and when she's all grown up and most of her has forgotten she'll tell herself that that's what happened, that she did imagine it.
It'll make sense to her that a little girl would make something up to deal with her family's troubles and her family was very troubled after all, even before little John came along.
Cheryl is used to trouble but as she stands in the doorway and watches aunt Dolly fix the baby up her eyes find the hulking thing and she starts to shake.
It's some kind of evil shadow over her new baby brother, it perches and seems to shimmer like blackness. Like unwanted smoke.
Aunt Dolly doesn't notice and it's right at her elbow.
Cheryl think's she'll scream if someone doesn't make it go away. That's her brother in the crib. Her poor, little brother and all of this is going on and something is over top of him and she doesn't understand any of it.
"Look at you hanging there, run this to the bins for me." Her aunt say's, handing her a bag of dirty wipes.
Cheryl wrinkles her nose and does as she's told, looking over her shoulder at the thing hovering over her brother's crib. It's evil and it scares her.
She thinks of imps and goblins in fairy tales. It looks like something from a book, something nasty looking. She doesn't want it near her brother but of course she doesn't get a choice.
She runs to the back and throws the stinking bag into the trash there.
This is new to her but her aunt say's all babies are like this and she was like it once too. You have to look after them and she doesn't mind being a big sister in this way, it's almost normal and when she returns her aunt is leaving the room.
"Got him down for a nap." She say's, wiping her hands on her apron. "Don't go making any noise now, Cheryl. He needs his sleep."
But she doesn't make a lot of noise. The house is quiet now except when John is crying. Cheryl doesn't ever make a racket.
She nods anyway and her aunt run's a hand over her head. It's brief and it's not enough and she suddenly misses her mother painfully.
No one holds her any more.
She even misses the sound of her parents' fighting now. It echoes in her ears sometimes but it's over and done with.
It won't sound again.
Her aunt is back towards the kitchen and she's left alone in the hall. She's alone a lot now and John's door is shut.
She worries about what's behind it.
Not the baby, she knows he's there.
She worries about what else.
She stares at the door and feels panic creeping into her heart, into the souls of her feet. Through her toes. There's something there that's not supposed to be and it's so bad it makes her start to shake.
She wants to cry but that's all anyone does anymore. Dad. . . The baby. . . even aunt Dolly and she doesn't understand why they aren't scared too. Why everyone isn't losing their minds the way she feels she is.
There's something IN her brother's room. Something hovering over him and everyone is acting like. . .
She goes to her aunt in the kitchen and like a much younger girl clings to her skirts. "Aunt Dolly, there's something in John's room." She says, face pressed against her aunt's leg.
The woman allows the clinging for a moment before shaking her off. "Oh, and what's in John's room then?" She asks and Cheryl feels hopeless. Adults don't believe in these things. They think it's all made up.
"I don't know." She says softly, knowing she sounds stupid.
Her aunt gives her a strange look and puts a hand on the top of her head. "Don't you start too, Cheryl. I don't think this family can handle anyone else falling apart." She whispers.
Cheryl's heart sinks even lower, a sick, nauseous feeling settling in her stomach. It's too much to believe. Imps and goblins don't really exist outside of fairy tales and yet she knows she saw something.
"You're a good girl, Cheryl. Go and run this out back for me." Her aunt says, handing her a bucket of potato peelings.
She takes it numbly like she did the bag of wipes and soiled rags. She goes outside and wonders if she should pretend the thing doesn't exist too. Act like the grown ups act.
Outside is fine. Outside looks normal, like there isn't a new baby or a missing mum. The garden she knows well is as it always has been and yet when she looks up at little John's window she knows it's all very wrong inside.
Back inside she climbs the stairs. She's going to take a peak, just a little peak and see if the nasty thing is still there, still hovering malignantly over her baby brother.
Her hand sweats as it closes around the door knob and it rattles as it turns.
Her heart thuds painfully in her chest.
Its going to be here.
Hovering over her baby brother.
She opens the door and sees the crib.
The thing is sitting on the corner and she makes herself approach because that's her brother in there. Her brand new, little, baby brother.
He's asleep, arm thrown back.
She looks at the shadow thing and swallows. "Go away." She whispers. "Just leave him alone."
It does nothing and she grows more afraid. She's still small and this thing is next to her tiny, baby brother and babies are supposed to be good so why is this thing even here?
The door opens and her aunt Dolly walks in, face baffled. "Cheryl, what are you doing in here?" She asks.
Cheryl looks through the bars of the crib and thinks she might start crying. "I was just checking on the baby." She say's.
The thing has vanished but she's afraid it isn't gone.
Aunt Dolly smiles. "You're a good big sister already." She say's. "John's in good hands with you."
Her hands?
Her hands are still small and she see's the thing she thinks, under the dresser. Maybe she'd just imagining it though. No one else seems to see it.
"Want to help me feed him?" Aunt Dolly asks, hands on her hips. "You'll have to learn some time."
Cheryl worries that means dad won't be doing anything. That dad won't feed him.
She hasn't seen him in the baby's room once and nods, almost crying.
She doesn't feel much like a kid lately and as Aunt Dolly get's John up he starts to cry and she suddenly wants to cry again with him.
"Shh now John, there you are. There you are." Aunt Dolly whispers. "No reason for all of that. Come on."
She sits down in the rocking chair that should have been her mother's and get's him settled, get's him interested in the bottle.
"That's it."
Cheryl comes near and Aunt Dolly helps her to hold him, teaches her to mind his head.
She briefly stops thinking about the thing.
She smiles and think's it's incredible that he's actually in her arms. Her own baby brother. She's started to out grow baby dolls and she thinks he's nothing like them anyway. He's far more important, far more heavy and alive in her small arms. A baby doll never felt like this.
"You're a natural." Aunt Dolly say's. "Just like that, Cheryl. You'll be a great mother one day."
She's always thought that that was what girls did. They grew up and became mummies but now for the first time she doesn't know what that means.
She kind of knows how babies are made. . . there are always girls talking at school and the older girls seem to know the most but something had gone wrong with her mum and her mum was dead.
Maybe is was scary too, having a baby. Her friend Margaret's mum has had six kids. She wonders what the difference between Margaret's mum and her's was.
No one will tell her anything and she's starting to think they just don't know.
"Hold the bottle up a little more." Aunt Dolly say's and she obeys without thinking, she doesn't want to mess it up.
John is hungry and she feel's really thrilled to be the one feeding him. To be the one taking care of him.
She thinks she might like being a big sister. "He's got blond hair like me." She say's.
"It might get darker, boy's hair usually does." Her aunt say's dismissively.
She looks at it and John finally slows a little. She hopes it doesn't change.
"There you go, lad." Her aunt say's taking him back and carrying him around the room for a moment.
Cheryl watches and think's she'll be a mum one day. She won't marry someone like her dad though. He's her dad but she already knows that she doesn't want someone like him.
She has no idea of course yet who Tony is or about Gemma. She doesn't know how things will end. She can't even imagine it.
Cheryl doesn't even really believe in what she's seeing over the crib again.
She and Aunt Dolly lay John down and she wishes things were different in the house. That her mother was there and that her father wasn't the way he was.
"You're a good girl, Cheryl." Her aunt say's quietly. "You've gotten rotten luck with this family. I'm sorry."
She doesn't know what that means or at least pretends she doesn't. She's starting to think she might have some idea though.
She feels like her childhood is ending.
It's just her, dad and the baby and dad is drunk. Dad is angry and the baby is helpless.
Aunt Dolly can't stay forever.
She's almost panicking but she holds it in, keeping herself together.
"Come on now, we can play with the baby after supper but it's almost time to eat." Aunt Dolly say's to her, oblivious to the imp or her panic.
She follows her out, looking bleakly back at the thing sitting atop her brother's crib again.
It's silent and still there.
She shakes her head and leaves, wanting to take John with her.
She can't though. Dad doesn't like it when he's out of the room.
Doesn't like it when he's in there either.
They eat dinner quietly at the table. Dad doesn't ask about John. Won't go in and see him and Aunt Dolly isn't asking him to any more. Mostly it's just quiet.
Cheryl feels like she's going insane.
The house is going insane.
After supper she hears Aunt Dolly in the kitchen fretting on her own, sherry out in front of her. Half empty. It's a wonder dad hasn't drank it already.
She stands outside the door and thinks that she's never seen so many grown ups so upset before. They're all crying lately. Like the baby. Like it's a house full of children and everyone is miserable. Maybe that's what happens when there's no mum around.
She stops by John's door before bed and stares at it but Aunt Dolly says he's asleep again and she passes it by, knowing it's only for a little while.
She'll see if the thing is still there later.
She goes to bed and can't sleep. There's a creek through the house and and wind at her panes.
No rain.
Just wind.
She lays in bed for a long moment, heart hammering.
She feels completely useless in bed but eventually she slides her feet from under the covers and sneaks from her room.
She's just gong to check on John and maybe it will all be okay. Maybe things will be different.
Maybe the thing won't be there.
Each step down the hallway however is terrifying and Cheryl's heart in in her throat as she draws near the door.
When she opens the door the thing is on the crib again.
On her brother's crib and she steadies herself.
These things don't exist.
This thing doesn't exist.
"Go away." She say's, stepping towards it.
Towards where John is laying helpless.
It turns it's formless face towards her and seems to glare only it can't. It has no eyes, no real form.
It isn't real.
It can't be.
She walks more loudly than she'd meant towards it and is shocked by the sound of the wind from outside.
She stops and it does too.
Then it looks at her again and in the future, not even the far future Cheryl will tell herself this never happened. She'll remember being young and confused and remember that children handle things in all sorts of ways.
She'll remember that she'd just lot her mum and that everything was wrong and twisted up.
Tonight however she takes a swipe at the thing and her hand passes through it like smoke. "Get away from my little brother!" She snaps, her voice harsh in the dark.
The thing lurches back and springs onto the dresser but she's mad now.
Mad at it, mad at everything. Mad at dad and even Aunt Dolly, all of the adults with their tears and whispers. . . all of the things they won't tell her. She's mad at herself for being confused and mad at the hospital and this thing- this thing that has invaded her home and threatens her little brother. She's so angry she could burst.
She stomps towards it.
Baby John kicks in his crib.
"Get out of our house!" She snarls, all of the anger of the past month burning inside of her.
It jumps towards the window and sits on the sill but before she can get to it and swipe at it again it leaps out and she shuts the window, chest heaving.
There's no rain yet.
She turns to the crib and looks through the bars. She's not tall enough to lift John out yet and instead just looks at him.
He's asleep and she sighs.
Maybe she's imagining things but she feels better.
The room feels more normal.
John is as safe as he's going to get it seems and she watches him for a long time, finally feeling something like relief.
She could be a big sister.
The world might be a mess, a confusing mess but she can be a big sister. She knows this now and as the baby moves in his sleep she feels something normal for the first time in a very long time.
This is how a big sister is supposed to feel and she can't wait to see what kind of person her brother's going to be.
"You're alright, John." She whispers to the darkness. "Cheryl's here."
She leaves the door open just a little in case he cries in the night and heads back to bed, heart feeling years older and steps more sure this time.
Australia is good. Gil and Thena have a home and most of the time Thena knows where she is.
Most of the time she knows who he is and so most of the time things are good. They stay away from people, they have each other and Gil is very kind and loving, even when things aren't good.
She loves him dearly, even when she doesn't recognize him, even in the moments when she has no control, when Mahd Wy'ry takes over and every living creature near her is in danger.
In those moments she doesn't really know where she is and she doesn't really care. In those moments everything in her mind is on fire and fighting is the only thing that makes sense. Fighting and killing something.
Gil is strong and so he can hold her and bring her back but each time she returns it's with a kind of shattering devastation.
Confusion and pain and fear come back to her. Horrid feelings she can't put words to. Everything breaking in her mind and a million Earth's, little blue planets all alike dying. . .
She doesn't understand it.
It's worse each time and yet each time Gil is there for her, holding her and whispering kindnesses, his hands on her skin and in her hair, his words in her ear gently pulling her back from the brink of something wretched and frightening.
After these times she draws away, shame and the weight of her madness making her isolate herself, even from the man she loves.
She who was once a goddess. . . protector of the city of Athens. . . Name sake for the god of wisdom and warrior too. . .
Yet there are other things that get through the cracks. Things she doesn't understand and yet which fit somehow.
She tries to stay in control, tries to stay Thena whom they all know, whom Gil loves but it doesn't come as easily as it once did.
Even Ajak can't fix her and she knows in some ways that this can't go on forever. She and Gil have had their lives together, they've shared all this. Mahd Wy'ry is going to take her from him completely one day and her biggest fear is that she'll kill him first before it does.
She doesn't want that.
She wants this time with Gil, his beer and his baking, the creations he makes in his ovens and the home they have made together.
She wants to see her family again and fight along side them. She wants to continue being Thena of her family and to see each new sunrise with Gil next to her.
She doesn't want these nightmares of exploding planets and death. . . These dreams that remind her in her most troubled states of imminent doom and something worse she doesn't have a name for.
She forgets as soon as she returns.
All she can feel is the pain, the horror and the fear.
They leave her shaking until they fade and then it's just her and her fractured mind.
Maybe it's selfish to risk so much but Gil tells her it isn't and he takes care of her when she can't take care of herself. He's there for her each day and every night with a smile and a warm hand. . . With a good heart and she loves him for all of their centuries together and the millennia that came before. For everything and the way he smiles.
In their little corner of the world they're safe and the world is safe from her. Here it's just the two of them and while not everything makes sense she's glad they're here.
She's glad she has Gil and perhaps the universe will forget them and let them live just like this a while longer.
Thena can only hope because she knows she won't get better. There is no cure and so all there is is time and the feelings between them.
She can't ask for any more and sometimes she forgets to try.
Sometimes the flat edges of the earth at the corners of her vision are all there are and she knows right where she is. In those moments she knows she 's with Gil and everything is good for at least a while longer.
Natasha has had her head played with more times than she'll probably ever know.
She's had memories and identities stripped and remade, shoved back in as something new. . . taken back out again. . .
Sometimes she has trouble separating out what's worth remembering and what isn't but lately she thinks she's found a moment of peace in her life.
She's not with anyone and she feels free. The world isn't in peril at that moment but just the same, she wakes one night with her heart hammering.
She was having no dreams, the best kind of dreams and then all of a sudden things had changed and she'd been with someone in her dream.
It had been a happy dream and despite not being able to see his face she feels loved and she feels like she loves the man too.
It's painful and happy and yet she can't find the man's name. She kisses him in her dream and he holds her and it's so good she wakes with a pounding heart, laying there unhappily.
It could have been nothing and when she puts her hand out the bed is cool and empty and all hers.
She sudden feels lonely and curls up, unable to tell if it was ever real or just a cruel dream.
She's had her head fucked with too many times. At this point she only knows what's in front of her and right now there's nothing but the lingering feeling in her chest that someone had loved her and that she had loved them in return.
It's awful and probably fake, probably it means nothing but just the same she tears herself from the bed and ends her night.
She can't get back to sleep and trying is making the memory fade.
She makes something to drink and tries to distract herself. It's all she can do because if it ever was a real memory she knows she isn't going to remember it. It's gone to her.
She doesn't go back to sleep that night and the faceless, nameless man is put to rest.
She knows better than to dwell too much on dreams. The mind can't always be trusted and sometimes it's just better to forget. Anything less could drive a person mad.
She starts her day early that day, thinking of anything but her useless dreams and the past she can't go back to.
If she were anyone weaker it might destroy her but this isn't her first time wondering at the cracks in her own mind. She knows they're there and that's how she masters them.
She doesn't go picking.
She just starts her day, letting bygones be bygones and telling herself that's all they ever need to be.
She'll never have a simple life but sometimes the simplest solutions still work for her.
