#narcassists

[otter1962]

Boundaries

Boundaries.  We all have them. We all cross them. We change them.  We accept them.  We let people walk all over us and ignore our boundaries. There are good boundaries, bad ones and people who allow and enable others to walk through their cherished boundaries without a blink of an eye because of low self esteem.

So, who do I unpack this idea of boundaries? Perhaps looking at a situation and the boundaries that occur.

Cancer boundaries come to mind immediately to me. If I’m recovering from an operation or am taking chemo pills, my boundaries are very important. Would I allow someone to push past that boundary?  No, I would not. My health and my ability to deal with cancer are paramount.  No one in their right mind would cross my cancer boundaries, would they? Everyone should know that I need support or even to be left alone as needed...right?

As a teacher, I see that children need to learn where boundaries are for themselves and for others.  What would I do if a child in my classroom crossed the boundaries of my classroom management? I have an immediate answer: I would take the child aside, explain where the boundaries are and how they crossed them into an inappropriate place. I would also promote the idea of liking the person, but not the behaviour. I’ve become quite adept at my job and it has become second nature. Can that be applied to adult boundaries?

Friendships have boundaries. They can be very dependant on the person. There are certain people that I can tease, knowing that they know the boundary and are comfortable with it.  There are others that I wouldn’t think of teasing because their boundaries are different. So, is having respect for another’s boundaries important?

As a caregiver, I have become adept, like I have as a teacher, of instinctively knowing where other’s close to me have set their boundaries. I wouldn’t dream of crossing those boundaries on purpose. I can think of many times I inadvertently crossed a boundary by accident. I’m thinking of a time when I went to tickle someone who was distracted by a massage chair and I ended up hurting him a little because he jumped as he was startled and the tickle turned into a tweak of pain.  I was mortified!  Here was a very good friend and I accidentally hurt him as I was teasing him. Would I deliberately cross a boundary that would cause harm to another?  No bloody way!  I was raised to be respectful of others and understand that everyone else has different points of view, varying boundaries that change with time, situation or are inherent to who they are as a person. Does a person always know that they’ve crossed someone else’s boundary?  One should be as conscious of boundaries as I am, right?

I’ve learned that there are people in this world who either have no clue about other peoples’ boundaries or they truly don’t care.  Perhaps their boundaries preclude them from understanding my boundaries? I’ve had my share of narcissists in my life; there are ones that I didn’t recognize as such and then there are the ones that play the game and pull you into a whirlwind of boundary crossing in such an insidious manner that I don’t even notice it and get sucked into that hurricane of hidden agendas and reasons for crossing my boundaries or just ignoring that another person like me might even have boundaries. So, having been exposed, how to I come to recognize a person like that?

A close friend made an amazing connection I was ashamed that I hadn’t thought of myself... Use the principles that I use in the classroom with children when I deal with adults who have no understanding of boundaries or choose to ignore them. After all, I deal in a professional manner with children. I explain the transgression and then acknowledge the person behind the manner. I’ve said so many times to so many children, “I just want you to know that I am so happy to have you in my class. I like you. You’re a great person.  What I didn’t like was the behaviour and now you know that you’ve crossed my boundary and we will deal with that, not you as a person.” The child goes away knowing that Mr. Miller cares about him or her - and I truly do! I treat my students as if they were my own children. I can recognize it in children. Does it apply to adults?

Yes. I have to be clear to define the boundary and differentiate between the behaviour and the person. Most adults will respond in a positive nature and the two of us will move on from the transgression. I’d like to point out that I too, have crossed boundaries unknowingly. I’ve had to eat crow a few times and admit that I did so.  I learned from those situations. I better myself by reflecting on how I crossed that boundary and make sure that I don’t do it again in situations such as that. Finally, what do you do with a person who just doesn’t seem to “get” that he or she has crossed one of my boundaries - even after spelling it out?

I think that the moral of this story is that I have to be who I am: a caregiver who always tries to keep the other person’s needs, wants, desires and try to above all, not trample on their self esteem. However, a line in the sand has to be sometimes drawn and that has been my nemesis. There are times when being kind and caring don’t work and you have to be brutally honest. I can’t continue to enable the behaviour and stop it in its tracks. I have to do it, not only for their sake, but for my own. No more enabling of boundary crossing behaviour. The line in the sand has been drawn and you’ve stepped over it.  I’m done with it.  Deal with it.

[empathpower]

Hey guys, I know this is a positive blog and all and I just wanted you to know if you've seen a lot of narcassist posts its just because I want you all to be safe and prepared if you come into contact with a narcassist or already have a narcassist in your lives. I know narc posts aren't super positive but I hope they're helpful and keeping you all safe. 💖💖💖

[otter1962crystalball]

Face It or Not: Out of the Pan into the Fire

June 25th, 2024 

Happy 25th day of Pride Month! Wow! The month of June is almost already behind us. Today, I was thinking about the end of things and what happens when I don’t deal with it.

Soon after my divorce, a man whom I had had contact with found out that I was divorced. I call him Allan. He never really liked John and we had stopped talking because John pissed him off. It turned out that John had asked Allan if he could move in with him - while still married to me. I found this out when Allan contacted me and told me how sorry I was to have gone through that nightmare with John.

The situation led me to taking a vacation to Las Vegas to hang out with Allan. We really clicked and I went home feeling like the divorce had never happened. Allan then booked a flight to visit me and we started a relationship. I felt like I was on cloud nine and that all the darkness of the John relationship was gone.

Then, in September 2017, I was on a machine at the local gym and it collapses on my leg and tore my right Achilles Tendon in half. I ended up driving (on a damaged leg) to the local clinic where I was told that it was torn and that I would need a cast. So, an ambulance was called and I was driven to downtown Halifax where I had a cast put on - very late at night. During that time, I had texted Allan and then my phone died. I ended up getting a message from him via the ward’s nurse. I felt so grateful that Allan would do that. He immediately flew to Halifax and looked after me for almost a month. He was there during the wait time and then the operation itself.

I was feeling very depressed about not being able to be mobile and Allan’s presence cheered me. He accompanied me to physiotherapy (which I was told took an entire year). I was to be in a boot for at least two months and have physiotherapy twice a week for a while and then one per week afterwards. For that month, Allan drove me everywhere, helped out with the house and we made things work.

In the past few blog entries, I talked about John’s red flags. With Allan, I felt there were none and this made me very happy - until one day something happened. Allan got upset because he felt that I didn’t appreciate his help. I told him that that wasn’t true and that I’d been in pain and hadn’t told him enough that I really appreciated him. I did, but he was still angry, so I asked if he needed a break and offered to get him a hotel room until his flight. He then literally accused me of trying to get rid of him. I assured him that wasn’t the case. He stayed for the rest of the month and then flew home.

The boot came off and I was able to go to work after two months off. It was a bit of an adjustment as I had to use a knee scooter to get around for a while. By Christmas, I was wearing the boot less. I flew to Las Vegas for Christmas and we had an amazing time. We continued back and forth for over two years. We took a trip to Hawaii together during a trip to Las Vegas, which was amazing as it was my first time. We later planned a trip to Thailand via Hawaii. It turned out to be a dream vacation for me despite a bit of a situation with my house. I had it rented out as an Airbnb and the cleaner quit while I was in Las Vegas before we left. I was really upset and wondered if I should fly back to solve the problem. Allan flew off the handle telling me that I wasn’t thinking about him at all. I apologized and things went on. Again, I ignored what was going on.

Later that year during a visit to Nova Scotia, we celebrated Hallowe’en together. While I was in the bathroom, Allan went through my phone and found a picture that I had sent to a friend in Australia. He got angry with me and said that I had betrayed his trust. I realized that I had made a mistake and I allowed him to go through my phone, computer and all my hard drives. He ended up deleting every picture of John that existed. I just let him do it. He also asked me to ditch any of my friends that might want to sleep with me. I followed his advice.

The next trip to Las Vegas was that Christmas in 2018. I took a lot of my family Christmas ornaments with me because he wanted to have a family tradition Christmas. It was a fun time including a birthday cake for me. He also had a surprise for me and announced a two day trip and that I was to guess where we were going.  The first idea came to me was Fort Lauderdale. Allan turned to me and told me that I was disgusting - the only reason I wanted to go there was to have sex with a friend there. I told him that wasn’t true, but he insisted that I ditch that friendship or else. I told him no problem and we flew to San Francisco for two nights. The first night we were there, in the hotel room Allan picked up his sunglasses, turned to me and yelled that I was toxic to him. He squeezed his hands so hard that he broke his sunglasses and cut his palms. I can remember his face as he gritted his teeth and tossed the glasses into the garbage. I was shocked, so I called the last two friends that I still had in my list and said goodbye. That seemed to be fine with Allan and we went on with the trip.

When we returned, it was close to New Years and we had tickets to see Celine Dion. It was an amazing concert. We took pictures of ourselves by the promotional billboard in the theatre. I flew back that New Years day. On Facebook, there was a now and then post. I placed a picture of me in 2008 and the one of me in front of the Celine Dion billboard. Allan didn’t answer his phone that evening. The next day I called him and he screamed at me that I had hurt him horribly. After I hang up, I discovered that he had changed his Facebook profile to a black picture with candles. I texted him to ask if we could talk and he texted back that he wanted nothing to do with me because I had been unfaithful for showing that picture to my friend and that I hadn’t gotten rid of all my friends.

There I was, just into 2019 and again I was single. I was mystified as to why Allan did this and actually thought of going to Las Vegas, but one of Allan’s friends told me know when I suggest it. That was the last time I heard from Allan until two months three months later when I received a package in the mail. The package had a note about how much I had hurt him and that if I wanted any of my stuff that I had left in his condo, I would have to pay back all the money for gifts, trips, etc or I wouldn’t get my stuff back. My eyes were opened and I realized what was happening. I took the package and burned it. I said goodbye to my things in his condo - including my family Christmas ornaments - which were important to me as memorabilia. I never heard from Allan again.

I never had time to process the break up because something else happened suddenly in my life - I was diagnosed with colon cancer. When we see the light and come to understand what we’ve been doing that is not genuine, it’s a breakthrough. In that time, I wasn’t being true to myself.  It took the cancer and chemo along with some internal work to help me see that. If you are interested, you can check out my cancer blog at https://www.tumblr.com/otter1962.

What I learned about myself helped me see that I hadn’t dealt with the divorce from John, jumped into a relationship too soon, discovered that Allan was a worse narcissist than John and that cancer was my wake up call.

For Pride, I am celebrating the trials we sometimes have to go through before we see the light. I came to understand that I had to take care of myself, love myself and do the work before I could even think about another relationship. I am also celebrating the idea that there is a big difference between being alone and lonely, which I’ve written about in a blog entry.

Carpe diem, everyone! Live your life genuinely as yourself and be happy with that. Don’t let others dictate how your life should be lived!

[otter1962crystalball]

Experiencing Narcissism 101 - Part 3

June 24th, 2024

Here we are nearing the end of Pride Month. I’ve challenged myself to write everyday and I’ve found it very useful in examining my past and realizing that I am actually very resilient. Yesterday I wrote about events leading up to the point of coming back from a trip with John. Today, the story continues.

I put my plan into action and began taking steroids above and beyond what I needed for Testosterone Replacement Therapy. I was taking injections because my testosterone was low due to my HIV medications. I supplemented with street testosterone as did John. In the course of my doing so, I put on more than 25 pounds and ended up at 250 pounds at my maximum. I continued abusing them up until 2013 when I moved to Nova Scotia with John.

John convinced me that I should be reducing the amount of time that I worked. At that time, I was a full-time teacher, a group fitness leader at a community centre and also a mentor for a master’s program at a university. The only real solution he suggested was to move from British Columbia to Nova Scotia. The reason was due to other cities didn’t seem inviting for either of us. I did suggest Montreal, but John didn’t speak French and thought it wasn’t a good idea. That summer, we jumped on a plane and took a quick trip to Nova Scotia. We explored a place called Annapolis Valley, which is fertile area of the province. We even looked at homes, but didn’t find anything that we liked. We returned home and made our decision.

We decided we would move to Windsor, Nova Scotia in October 2013. We also got married as it seemed the right thing to do. I resigned from the school board and put the house up for sale. It sold while we were enroute. We climbed into my truck with two dogs and a cat, travelling across Canada to Nova Scotia. During the trip, we argued a lot. The shouting continued and I decided that it was just part of my new life and bit my tongue. John did berate me for being quiet, which in my mind was better than screaming back at him. We found an apartment - literally on the fly - as we went across Canada. The hardest part was finding a rental unit that accepted dogs.

We lucked out and stayed in a place in Windsor until early 2015 when we found a house on the South Shore - which later became known as Otter Cottage. During the time in Nova Scotia, John had problems finding a job. I was accepted as a substitute and started working. He didn’t and that left him open to do other things. In fact, I caught him cheating on me several times. So, we negotiated an open relationship where we would explore together to fulfill everyone’s needs.

During our time there in Windsor, I got a phone call from my doctor. She told me to go to the hospital immediately because my bloodwork indicated that I had had a heart attack. We went to emergency immediately and I discovered that I had an enlarged heart due to the large amount of steroids. I spent four days in the hospital while they did tests. John visited everyday, but complained constantly about having to drive into the city. With supervision, I weaned myself off the steroids and reduced my testosterone to the appropriate level and quit the street steroids. It was clear that I had almost killed myself. I began kicking myself for having been so stupid to abuse steroids that much to satisfy the wishes of another person.

Once into Otter Cottage, I got a job in the Halifax and ended up with a permanent position teaching French Immersion. John then decided to become a real estate agent. So, I paid for his education. During the time of moving to the South Shore, our relationship was really strained. John was constantly getting angry at just about everyone - of course, including me. He constantly seemed frustrated and I did everything I could including buying antiques for him and giving him a room to decorate. That didn’t help and we argued constantly. Several times, I told him that I had had enough. Suddenly, John would turn back to a charmer and everything was great - for a few short weeks or month.

John finished his real estate school and managed to sell at least three properties, using a car that I had bought for him. At the same time, I discovered that he was still cheating on me. In late 2016, John mentioned that his former employer in Montreal had suggested offering him a job. I had had enough of all the nonsense. When I heard that, I told John that I wanted him to take the job and be out of the house by next week. So, he packed the car with everything he could and then moved everything he thought belonged to him into the antique room he had decorated. He went to Montreal and suddenly I felt a real relief - until the divorce proceedings started.

In the six years we were together, John paid rent three months in the time we were in my house in Vancouver. He bought groceries maybe twice. In Nova Scotia, he paid for nothing. I didn’t see any of the profits from the sales of the properties he had sold. I got a lawyer and proceeded with the divorce. We had to live apart for at least a year before we could legally divorce. That year was a year from hell for me.

John, now in Montreal, would contact me and screamed at me for not moving the stuff he wanted to Montreal. I told him that the lawyer told me to do that until we had settled the divorce.  His request was half of everything. I provided all my receipts for everything, showing that John had paid little. He never paid for heating, mortgage payments, gym fees, and much more. During that time, John began a classic narcissistic pattern - he tried to show me how he was a victim. He sent me pictures of him in the hospital. He sent me pictures of his empty fridge. He called me constantly asking for money. I had to continue to say no. He turned several local friends against me saying I was withholding his belongings. I told those local friends that they didn’t know what was really going on. Needless to say, I didn’t continue those friendships.

The calls continued along with emails, texts until I had to block him. He even called my school during a lesson and interrupted. He called me at the gym as well, asking an attendant to find me. I put a stop to all of that. At the end of the year apart, I made him an offer and let him know that he would get nothing more. He begrudgingly accepted it and immediately demanded his things sent. I had packed them into a pod as I was sick of seeing the pile of things in the living room. In typical fashion, he demanded that I allow one of his friends to sit and watch the pod be repacked so that his belongings would be safe. Ironically, the movers told me that I had done an amazing job and that repacking wasn’t necessary! At this point, I didn’t care; he had to pay for the moving costs.

Even after the papers were signed and we were officially divorced he continued to harass me with phone calls and texts on anonymous lines. I was so tired of it that I went to the local RCMP and lodged a complaint and asked the calls, texts and emails stop. The Sûreté du Québec (the provincial police in Quebec) paid him a visit and told him that if he contacted me again, he would be arrested. That was the last time I ever heard from him. In that year and a half, he contacted me more than 668 times by various methods.

In 2018 I was officially free of John. Otter Cottage was in my name, the car payments for John’s car were now his responsibility and I began my new life as a divorced gay man. As a side note, that fall as I was cleaning the gardens, I found a pile of broken mugs, coasters and John’s medication all thrown into the bushes. It seemed that whenever he was angry, he would throw things off the verandah - just like when he used to go out and scream at the top of his lungs at the people he hated.

So what was it like to live with a narcissist? Looking at the 9 points of Special Me, I saw countless examples of all 9 points and more from him. He always though he was the most important person at all times. He felt entitled to everything without having to work for it. He was exploitative, arrogant, lacked empathy and always showed off so that others could admire him. He also was easily able to play the victim and everything that he did was turned back on my so that it was all my fault. Anyone who didn’t agree with him immediately became the enemy - me included.

I saw a counsellor and learned to deal with the aftermath of living six years with John. The counsellor suggested I buy a book called “Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder.” All what was discussed in the book, I found in John. The only thing the book didn’t help me with was getting along with him and thankfully I never wanted to do so. In the end, I believe he was also obsessive compulsive as well.

During my counselling time, I came to acknowledge my part in those six years. I had been codependent and allowed him to do all of those things. I also discovered that I had to learn to love myself, always take care of myself first before helping others and learning how a narcissist latches onto a caregiver such as myself. I forgave myself for almost killing myself on steroids to please John. I watched my health and have not abused them since.

At that point, I was really sure that I knew what the signs were and vowed to never get involved with a narcissist. Did I succeed? I’ll leave that to tomorrow’s blog… For Pride, I am celebrating my inner self and my self love. Now that I have worked on myself, someone like John would never be able to pry their way into my life. 

Carpe diem, everyone.

[otter1962crystalball]

Experiencing Narcissism 101 - Part 1

June 22, 2024

“Nobody can be kinder than the narcissist while you react to life on his terms.” — Elizabeth Bowen

Today is my 22nd entry into my Pride Blog. I searched through my three blogs and realized that I never spent anytime discussing about a narcissist that got his claws into me. 

The time between the events with Dean and my next relationship were spent exploring and regathering myself. After all the relationships that came to mind, I started to feel like I was the failure in the relationship department. I was looking through the lens of a pessimist and thinking that I was what caused all the breakups. What I was not noticing was that a relationship takes two and that the other man was equally responsible for his actions. So, in 2010, I began thinking about relationships and whether I was again ready. I had written a short video script of my dating experiences, but to this day I’ve not done anything with it.

I was on Facebook one day and looking at a friend’s profile and all of his friends. I’ll call this man “Terry.” Terry had a lot of extremely handsome men and many of them seemed to be my type. I called Terry and said to him that he had a ton of beautiful men on his friends list and that there much be a man on there who might be interested in me. Terry came back immediately with someone. He said he was handsome, interesting and single. He sent me a picture of this man, whom I will call, “John.”

John was very handsome and I had some doubts whether he would be interested in me. Terry sent my picture to John and he wanted to meet me. So, I called him and we talked for two hours on the phone. We set up a time, afterwards to go out to a restaurant that week. We met, ate and then I took him to his apartment. When we got there, he sat me down and read me Dorothy Parker poetry because I had said that I was interested in poetry. I can remember he was lounging behind me as he held me and read to me. I was absolutely in heaven!

We kissed a few times and then I had to get home because I had to work the next day. We set up a time to meet again and I found out that he was still living with his ex partner in that apartment. He was rather sad about it, but I got the impression that he was moving on. He told me that he would have to move soon.

That weekend, we went to a party for bears in Vancouver called Bearaccuda. I was dressed in a pair of leather pants that John had lent me. I found out later that they belonged to his ex-partner. At the dance, I bent down to pick up a toonie I had dropped at the bar and the pants split totally and my ass was exposed. We didn’t care and kept on dancing.

We spent quite a few days together and I often listen to him being upset, angry, sad and more about his partner. I just listened and tried to console him the best that I could. The day he had to move, I told him he could put his stuff in my basement until he got settled in his new apartment that he would be sharing with a friend. I think John spent one night at his apartment. The rest of the time he was at my place.

I was getting more and more enthralled with what John was doing. He was such a charmer and I found myself falling for him. By the time Christmas rolled around, he was living in my house. I had booked a flight home to see my parents before I met John, so I had to go alone. John stayed behind and looked after the animals and my house. He even moved furniture around and made himself at home.

At this point, I’d like to acknowledge a few red flags here. One is clear - he was having to deal with the loss of his partner and needed time to process the situation. That was clear by his varied reactions when he talked about his ex partner. I ignored it because I had already fallen in love with him. The charming was also a red flag but wasn’t clear to me at the time. It turns out that narcissists are real charmers in the beginning but are notorious for changing when things settle in on a life together.

John and I decided to take March break by driving down the Pacific Coast to see the sites and then go to Las Vegas to see some friends of John’s. It was during that trip that John began yelling at me. Almost every night he told me to fuck off and would scream at me. I decided to scream back. Again, there was a red flag. I ignored it because I had made a pact with myself to make this relationship my last and make it continue even if it killed me. It could have… but that is for another day’s blog…

For Pride, I am celebrating believing in myself. When I was involved with John, I lost myself and you will see in the next few blogs how this happened. If you’ve experienced life with a narcissist, you will know what I went through and the signs.

Carpe diem. Happy Pride, everyone.  

[otter1962crystalball]

A Shocking About Face

There come times when something happens that makes you really stop and think. It is a situation that totally threw me for a loop. 

About a month ago, I connected with a man who had shown interest in me. I’ll use the name “Fred.”  We hit it off immediately and we had a whirlwind romance for about three weeks. There was a lot of connection and I realized that I was being open and free for the first time in years. I’ve met guys and some of them wanted to date me. There was some sort of connection, but there was always something seemingly absent.

With this man, I found myself being totally me. I was laughing a lot, we spent several weekends together which was easy and very comfortable. I even found myself singing in front of him. That is something that never happens to me. There was a lot of joy, passion and sharing in learning about the other. It harkened to when I felt this feeling a long time ago, but it was different somehow. 

Upon reflection, I am a different person now. I have worked through a lot of situations, traumas, heartbreaks, finding that I had picked the wrong guy, etc. I have learned that as a caregiver, I have to be careful that I don’t put myself into a situation where I am trying to help someone. I call it the broken wing syndrome. There was always this need to take care of someone else - especially those needing self-reflection and a better understanding of who they are as a person.

I’ve often written about my two narcissistic relations, which can be seen in my other blogs on Tumblr. I’ve come to know the characteristics and what to look out for before getting involved. I’ve had to end potential relationships because I knew they were narcissists. My friend Maddox always says that the universe will send you things that you need to learn about the most. I was unwittingly still attracting narcissists. I’d like to point out that I have met some wonderful men who were not, but there was a basic lack of connection to pursue a more long-term relationship. It is only this past year that I’ve stopped attracting them - because my outlook on myself is different. I now can say that I love myself.

With Fred, I knew instantly that he was not a narcissist. In fact, he seemed to be very genuine. He told me many times how beautiful I was, how sexy, how kind, how caring and so on. I found myself doing the same thing back and I felt amazing because I truly felt it. Fred might have the potential to be long-term, or so I thought. 

We spent three weekends, two at my house and one at his. Each time was magical - full of fun, passion, intimacy and more. It was something that I hadn’t felt in more than twenty years.

Sure, I knew about his ex-partner because Fred spoke of him from time to time. He expressed certainty that he no longer wanted the relationship because the man (big surprise) was a narcissist. He even acknowledged that. In my group of friends, it was clear that he had escaped an abusive relationship. I think that my friends kept telling me how good of a match we were. 

I repeatedly told Fred things to show him that I respected him and that he deserved to be respected and treated kindly - all the things that were lacking in that relationship. Anyway, we had planned to get together this past weekend and had plans for March Break together. Last Wednesday, he told me how beautiful I was on a video call. He had said several times that no one had ever treated him like this - it was so new and exciting. He was smiling, happy and excited about the coming two weekends. Then, it all changed as the axe fell.

On the next day, Thursday, I had an impulse to change the lyrics of a song and send it to him. The guys in my circle thought it was sweet and wonderful. However, the man didn’t respond at all - until later at night when he knew that I was going to bed. He told me, in a text that he would speak to me in the morning. So, I went to sleep looking forward to being with him because it was the Friday when he would arrive. Instead, he called me in tears saying that he was having problems with his self-esteem and that he needed the weekend to work it through. I told him to do what he needed to do. I sent a text later saying that I would be there and that I had left the door open. Later that day, I was at a gathering and I received a text from him telling me that he had decided to go back to his ex-partner. He expressed that everyone would be mad at him for doing it, yet he went ahead with it anyway.  My heart dropped - I was in shock. Luckily, I had a friend there to support me. That friend had contacted Fred and he found that the ex-partner had called his family due to a death. His mother called saying that the ex still cared. So, Fred went back to his partner.

The sad thing was that he told my friend that everything that we shared was perfect. My friend asked him if his ex gave him any of that. He said no, but went back to him anyway. The ex had been hounding Fred to give it another go, but Fred said no and that he was enjoying the time with someone who treated him right (me). The ex somehow convinced him to go back to him. In reflection, the ex knew exactly how to hook him back in. I saw it immediately because I had experienced the same. The narcissist starts out charming so the man falls in love with him. Then once he has him, he starts treating him with disrespect and disdain. I heard that the ex had told Fred that he only tolerated him. Hence, the reason why Fred left his ex - was because he was starting to believe in himself. Then this happened and he is now back in the same situation. I doubt that he now believes in himself.

In reflection, I know that I will not grieve too long as the relationship was very short. What it did do for me was make me realize that I have the capability of being all the things that I showed him. If I did it once, I can do it again. I think that I am finally seeing the benefits of all the internal work I’ve done on myself in the past three years. Sure, I miss him and may for a while, but I know that I will be okay. The hard part is the sadness that I have for him because I know the situation having lived it. This time, I can’t be a caregiver. He needs to go through this himself - no one else can help him. He needs to help himself. Hopefully, he will learn the lesson about loving himself and taking care of himself first before he tries to do it with others. I truly hope that one day he will love himself enough to do what is right for him.

With that, I say “Carpe Diem” and move on.

[super123hazelnut]

The Narc Smirk has been inherited.. next generation

I just was unpacking some pictures today that I had previously packed up and wrapped when my stalkers from Rockville/Bethesda/Gaithersburg were in full force attacking me a couple of years ago.  This picture of my niece looks like it was also taken perhaps no more than 10 years ago...I have been stalked for about 9 years now.  

This looks posed and directed by her mother.  It looks like the photo was taken just for me to look at.  Very sad.

I did nothing to your mother...I just didn’t like her and did not want to be around her because she was nasty to me throughout the years and so was your Aunt I.

If you are strong my dear niece...you will realize your mother’s problems and run like hell away from her influence...my advise is leave and move far away to have your own life.....good luck!

[super123hazelnut]

Narc/Sociopath Dinner Party....

Looks like a fun evening with all the narcs competing for attention..don’t know everyone at the table but I know some of them...

On the left is Dominique of Dominique’s Restaurant that used to be located on Pennsylvania Ave.  He passed away several years ago..one of the 1st jobs my mother obtained for me was to work at his restaurant...it was fun meeting all the celebrities and all the movers & shakers in DC politics....however, it was torture putting up with Dominique’s mood swings...I had to type menu’s for him.  He would come into the restaurant around 11:00am hung over from binge drinking the night before.  I had a ginger ale at my desk and he would flick his ashes from his cigarette into my drink.

The person sitting next to him is Herbert Haft may he not rest in peace...another asshole.  He actually gave me my 1st job at Dart Drug in Bethesda on Old Georgetown Road when I turned 16.  He interviewed me for 2 minutes and said I had the job.  His wife Gloria/ex is sitting next to him...hard being married to someone just for money...best to cut ties with these kinds of people...she did the right thing...not sure who the couple is on the opposite side of the table but I do know they bought a condominium from my father in Chevy Chase where I also worked...didn’t need an interview for that job.

Last but not least is Dolly!  My mother.  Classic Narc expression on her face...I am so wonderful....all the men love me...she came home and told the family that Herbie made a pass at her...nothing happened!!!  

But Mom....he is so ugly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!