happy ace acceptance week 💜🤍🖤 i say “acceptance” rather than “awareness” very intentionally, both as a disabled person familiar with the impact in terms of advocacy (here’s a great article from ASAN about the difference - link) and because i am in desperate need of accepting myself.
i’m a genderqueer, bi+ person in a polyamorous relationship, and even though my asexuality is the aspect of my queer identity that i’ve known about the longest (over 6 years at this point), it’s the only part of my queerness i’m still insecure about. it’s the part i talk about the least—exceptionally rarely in lgbtq+ spaces, including the ones in which i have a leadership role, and virtually never to cishet people.
i still find myself justifying people who write or reblog posts making fun of asexuality, still find myself deciding not to unfollow them because it “isn’t a big deal,” still find myself letting others dictate my self-worth in ways i’d never dream of with the other queer identities i hold, because i am secure in those identities. i am confident about those parts of myself. two weeks ago, i read someone’s tags saying “maybe you’re not asexual you’re just on an SSRI” and had a deep fear that maybe i was “faking” until i admitted this to one of my partners and they reminded me of the literal lifetime i’d spent not experiencing sexual attraction, and usually being sex-repulsed, prior to starting an antidepressant in september.
at an lgbtq+ education session i co-led a week ago, someone asked wasn’t asexuality, like, something that should be treated by a medical professional? and i hesitated in a way i never have when expressing my gender or my attraction to multiple genders in such sessions before saying “so i’m asexual, and—”
so, i’m asexual, and this ace acceptance week, i’m taking my shame by the hand, and sitting down with it, and holding it close. saying, honey, i’m so grateful for the ways you’ve kept me safe, and i know we won’t part ways so easily, but you aren’t a good fit for me anymore. and i’m done blaming myself for all the times i couldn’t have pride. and i’m done thinking i deserve anything less than love for every part of me.
when i was 15, i drew a closet striped in black and white, and all this glorious purple and gray trying to drift out. this ace acceptance week, i’m done closing the door back in my own face, back on my own beauty. my gender, and my romantic attraction, and my relationship structure are lovely and natural and fulfilling and life-giving, they bring joy to my life and make me whole. my asexuality is lovely and natural and i’m going to let it be fulfilling and life-giving and bring joy to my life, and even on the days i can’t, i am whole.
