I love the phrase "You will be found." I just adore it. It isn't, "Someone will find you." It doesn't focus on the other, it focuses on you. Because the someone could be anyone. They could be a parent, a friend, a teacher, a park ranger, a concept (like art, writing, music), or even your own self. But no matter who or what that someone or something is, you're still the focus. People will help you along the way, but ultimately, you will get better, you will live another day, you will grow and flourish and blossom. You will be found.
a little doodle for @neglectedrainbow 's fic YKTGTYLR which is ending soon and i don't know how to cope with that i was going for cheesy YA novel cover for this drawing i hope it worked (also I know it looks weird if you read it up and down don't make fun of me I was attempting to be creative ok)
It's Ben Platt holding a bean plant 🌱 I've never been more proud of a joke in my entire life. @neglectedrainbow was there. I sent it to her in all caps.
AHSHDJAJDJA ALL THE PEOPLE WHO ARE LIKE ,,,, BELIEVING THAT the cheeto REALLY DID THAT???? MY PHOTOSHOP THING JUST MADE IT WORSE I FEEL SO BAD BUT ALSO ?? i'm ??? laughing so hard sifjksnfksnfksnc
rainbow i am honest to goodness losing my fuckign marbles this is the funniest thing on earth to me
ben platt has to go to physical therapy twice a week to keep him from physicalizing evan too much and adopting more of evan’s mannerisms (since he already started biting his nails and developing hunched posture because of the role).
So hey, wow. This is two months late. I have no excuse at all, so I’ll just apologize profusely. I’m so sorry!
Anyway, here’s a lof of little Kleinsen for you. Enjoy!
19. “Then come here and make me.”
Anyone that knew Evan Hansen knew that he wasn’t a fan of parties. They were too loud and too crowded and he always felt like he was in someone’s way. He never knew who to talk to or what to do with his hands; he didn’t even really like to drink that much due to the nasty headaches and dry mouth he was left with the next day. Needless to say, Evan was not a frequent party-goer.
That hadn’t stopped Jared from inviting him to different social gatherings, though. Ever since they had started college, Jared had been insistent that they both needed to branch out, meet new people, and behave as recklessly and irresponsibly as adults experiencing their first taste of freedom ought to. Evan did not share his feelings, but that didn’t always matter to Jared.
Tonight, for example, Jared had somehow convinced Evan to go to some digital media major’s party off campus. While Evan was worried about the event, at least it wasn’t a frat party or anything that would get too out of hand. Jared had assured him that it would just be about twenty or so kids from the department sitting around, playing video games and drinking cheap liquor and beer. That sort of sounded like what he and Jared did most Saturday nights anyway, so he had finally relented and agreed.
Once they had arrived, though, things seemed a little crazier than Jared had been expecting. Music could be heard as they approached and there were already a few couples hanging around outside, flirting or kissing near cars or on the porch. Evan shot Jared a confused look, but Jared pointedly ignored it as he held the door open for Evan.
The music was even louder inside. There had to be at least twenty people in the living room alone, with even more spilling out of the kitchen and into the hallways. Evan could feel his chest tighten at the sight, and he subconsciously began playing with the hem of the button-up Jared had convinced him to wear.
“You said － you said that there wouldn’t be a lot of people,” He hissed at Jared, already terrified of a night spent in a small space with a large number of drunk college kids. Someone brushed up against him, trying to fit into the wild mess of people dancing in the living room. Evan jerked away, his shoulders curving inwards and his head ducking down. The palms of his hands were already sweating and shaking, but Evan couldn’t make himself let go of his shirt long enough to try and wipe them on his pants.
“I really didn’t think it would be this bad,” Jared admitted finally, stepping closer to Evan. “We can leave if you want.”
No, no, no. If they left, then Jared would be mad at Evan because Evan was being a baby and Jared wanted to have fun with his friends, but Evan had to go and freak out because he couldn’t just enjoy a party like everyone else. Jared would pretend like everything was okay, but he’d be really upset about it and would probably try and figure out how to stop being Evan’s friend without it being weird because their moms were still friends, and they were roommates. Jared would resent him for forever and Evan would regret leaving in the first place and-
“Seriously, come on. Let’s go,” One of Jared’s hand was on his back, trying to guide him back to the door. Shaking his head rapidly, Evan pulled away from Jared and took a few deep breaths. He could do this. He could pull it together for a few hours while Jared had fun because Jared deserved to have fun.
“No. I want to stay.”
Jared stared at him skeptically, his blue eyes seeming brighter thanks to the soft yellow string lights hanging through the house. Stubbornly, Evan looked back at him, his hands still methodically rolling the hem of his shirt between his fingers.
“You’re going to wrinkle that,” Jared glanced down, pulling Evan’s hands away from his shirt. Sure enough, the bottom was a wrinkled mess. Great, now he looked like a slob and felt sick. But if Jared was happy, that was all that mattered.
“Um, let’s － let’s get a drink,” Evan jerked his hands back, putting them in the pockets of his khakis. He started for the kitchen, awkwardly working his way through the throng of people as Jared followed closely behind.
The kitchen was significantly less crowded. Bottles of liquor were scattered around the counters, with both full and empty cups littering the rest of the available space. There was even a bowl of some sort of punch － probably a mixture of all of the alcohol at the party. Evan wrinkled his nose at it, grabbing one of the two liters of Coke people had been using as mixers instead of taking a chance on the incredibly strong drink. Jared walked around the island towards the whiskey, grabbing a plastic cup for himself.
“Want some?” Jared asked, raising an eyebrow at him. Evan shook his head, filling his red cup with Coke. Shrugging, Jared poured a bit of the rich, golden brown alcohol into his cup, taking a quick sip as he glanced back at Evan.
“Thanks for coming,” Jared said awkwardly after a beat. After taking a swig of Coke, Evan sat his cup down on the counter, nodding his head.
“Um, yeah. Thanks for, uh, asking.”
“Yo, Kleinman! Glad you could make it, buddy!” The door swung open and an older guy shoved past Evan to ruffle Jared’s hair. Smiling widely, Jared shoved his hand away and pulled the guy into a hug.
“Kev! Hey!” The guy patted his back before the both pulled away. The guy － Kevin － threw an arm around Jared’s shoulders. “Of course, man! Glad to be here.” Evan recognized Jared’s smile right away. It was the same completely fake grin he’d always worn in high school. Jared smiled like that when he wanted someone to like him or when he wanted to fit in. The expression always made Evan’s chest hurt a bit.
“Who’s this? Your date for the evening?” The guy asked, finally looking at Evan. His tone was sarcastic, and instantly Evan felt on edge. Now came the part where Jared made fun of him with this hipster tool. Evan would have to act like their jokes were funny and didn’t bother him even though they really, really did and kind of made him want to go home and scream into a pillow for an hour.
“This is Evan, my friend from back home,” Jared replied, retaining his cool-guy persona. Kevin only nodded, turning back to face Jared.
“Dude, you’ve got to come play games with us. We’re fucking murdering Michael’s team. They’re getting so pissed off, it’s hilarious. One of them started crying! Come on, man,” He rambled, grabbing Jared’s arm and pulling him out of the kitchen. Jared followed behind, shooting an unreadable look over his shoulder at Evan.
“Ugh, that guy’s such an asshole,” came a voice from the patio door. Evan jumped slightly, not having heard anyone else enter the small room. “Uh, sorry.”
“No, no, it’s okay,” Turning around, Evan finally noticed the tall, attractive guy leaning against the doorway. He wore a leather jacket and his messy hair stood up in a very carefree, seemingly natural way that Evan suspected had actually taken him at least fifteen minutes to perfect. Evan felt his mouth go a little bit dry.
“But seriously, that guy’s an idiot. I have no idea how he even got into college. His IQ is lower than his standards, which is saying something.”
Evan laughed awkwardly, reaching for his drink to return some moisture to his mouth. His hands felt clammy and he was terrified his drink would slip out of his hand.
“So, you’re not a digital media major, are you?”
“M-Me? Uh, no? Um, no. I’m not. I’m a, um, environmental science major?” He cursed his own awkwardness, but thankfully, the guy didn’t seem to mind so much. He smirked, striding forward to pour himself a drink.
“Environmental science? Wow. You must be pretty smart, then.”
“Um, I mean, I guess? I don’t know. I study. A lot? I spend, um, most of my time inthelibrary.”
Why did he say that? Now the guy would think he was a total dork. Not that Evan wasn’t a total dork － he just really didn’t want this guy to think he was for some reason.
“That’s cute. Intelligence is a pretty sexy quality.”
Oh my god, no. This was not happening. People just didn’t flirt with Evan. His face felt warm all over and he was pretty sure he was going to pass out. He laughed a little too loudly, spinning around to put his drink down on the counter. By the time he turned back to face the handsome, mysterious stranger, the man was much closer. In fact, he was right in front of Evan, only a few inches away from him.
“Hi,” He smiled, making Evan’s stomach flip. He wasn’t used to this much attention and honestly, it was kind of upsetting. The boy was being so forward; not necessarily creepy, but definitely intimidating.
“Evan, I －” The kitchen door swung open again, revealing Jared Kleinman. The short boy took a second to process what he was seeing, and once he had come to some sort of conclusion, his hands clenched slightly and a scowl appearing on his face.
“Oh, hey Jared,” The attractive stranger greeted, taking a small step away from Evan. “Uh, I guess I should probably go, but could I maybe get your number?” He asked, grinning down at Evan.
“No, you can’t,” Jared responded before Evan could even open his mouth. Rolling his eyes, the stranger backed away and moved past Jared to exit the kitchen.
Evan stared at the island in front of him, his eyes not moving from the place the man had stood. Had that really just happened? Had he actually just been hit on by a really cute stranger at a party? Evan’s head swam with thoughts of the guy and his cute hair and jacket. Did he own a motorcycle? He probably did, he seemed like the type. He seemed like he probably had tattoos too, and he probably smoked and drank scotch and read Hemingway and－
“What a douchebag. Jesus.”
Evan snapped back into focus, turning to look at Jared. He blinked, his face shifting to confusion.
“…What?”
“That guy. He’s a douchebag? Guys like him are the worst,” Jared said slowly, as if explaining something complicated to a child. Frowning, Evan bit his lip. He didn’t like being talked down to. Sometimes his social anxiety made it difficult to read people well, but Jared didn’t have to treat him like an idiot.
“What do you mean? ‘Guys like him?’”
Sighing deeply, he crossed his arms. Jared looked at Evan for a second, expecting him to understand something that clearly wasn’t obvious to Evan. When it became apparent that Evan still didn’t get it, Jared rolled his eyes.
“Guys like him. Guys that hit on desperate, drunk freshman at parties.”
Evan felt his face flush, his mouth falling open and his eyes widening. A second later, Jared seemed to realize what he had said and scrambled to correct himself.
“No, I didn’t mean- Evan, you’re not a drunk freshman. Shit, you know that wasn’t what I meant. I mean－”
“That I’m desperate?” Evan asked, his voice quiet. It was taking everything in him not to burst into tears. No, he hadn’t really ever dated anyone and had only kissed two people in his life, but it wasn’t like he was searching for love or anything. Evan knew he wasn’t really appealing; he was a socially anxious, depressed mess who rarely left his dorm room. Not to mention the fact that his skin was sort of oily and prone to acne even now, and his fair was usually a frizzy mess. His eyes were too big and his lips were uneven.
But he wasn’t throwing himself at people, hoping and praying someone would date him. Did he come across that way? Did Jared really think that Evan was that hopeless?
“No! It’s just…you’re naive, you know? He was trying to take advantage of that,” Jared said, stepping closer. Evan’s face shifted into a frown, his eyes glaring at Jared.
“Oh, so the only possible reason he was hitting on me was because I’m naive? It couldn’t possibly be that he thought I was attractive, because why would he?” The tears were beginning to leak out now, his face red and blotchy in anger. Jared stepped even closer, scowling.
“That’s not what I meant! That guy was just sleazy and you were in here all alone, drinking and acting all innocent－”
“Because you left me in here!” Evan interjected. Jared ignored him.
“Obviously the guy just thought you wouldn’t be a challenge.”
“Sometimes I wish you would just shut up,” Evan said without thinking. As soon as he realized what he had said, he covered his eyes, shaking his head.
“No, no! I mean, I mean…I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Jared.” It was quiet for a second. This was the part where Jared yelled at him and called him a loser. Now Jared would shove him away and never look back. Cautiously, Evan glanced at Jared through the space between his fingers, expecting the worst.
Instead, he saw Jared squaring his shoulders, pushing his glasses back up his nose.
“Then come here and make me.”
Mouth twisting into a confused frown, Evan’s hands dropping back by his sides. He stared at Jared in confusion. He wasn’t sure what the other boy meant by that. Did he－ did he want Evan to punch him? To fight him to get him to be quiet? Evan would never do that. He didn’t like violence as a general rule, and hated the idea of hurting anyone for any reason. But hurting Jared? The thought of that filled him with complete dread. Evan never, ever wanted to hurt Jared.
After a few long, interrupted seconds of staring, Jared shook his head and turned around.
“Forget it. Sorry, um. Just pretend this didn’t happen or whatever.”
What did that mean? Jared wanted Evan to ignore his weird request to punch him, or he wanted Evan to just forget that they had ever been friends in the first place? Evan could feel his hands shake slightly as he tried to work out what Jared meant.
Disappointment had flashed across Jared’s face in the few seconds before he had told Evan to forget it. He wasn’t － no. Jared didn’t like him like that. Did he? Was that why he had freaked out when he saw the other guy in Evan’s personal space?
Why did that thought make Evan giddy?
Without thinking any further on the subject, Evan grabbed Jared’s hand.
“Did you…were you jealous?” He asked, biting his lip. Jared glanced down at their hands, but Evan didn’t pull away. Turning back around, Jared avoided Evan’s gaze and said nothing.
“Does that mean that you － do you like me?”
Slowly, Jared’s face heated up. His shoulders hunched over and he rolled his eyes.
“I have for the past three years. Thanks for finally noticing.”
Without hesitation, Evan leaned forward and pulled Jared to him with the hand that still held Jared’s. He pressed his lips against Jared’s, kissing him clumsily. Their height difference wasn’t as awkward as Evan had imagined it to be － he only had to tilt his head down a bit to reach Jared. Still, Evan’s nose kept bumping against Jared’s and his lips were chapped from biting them so much, but Jared’s were smooth and tasted a bit like the whiskey he had been drinking.
It took a second for Evan to realize that Jared wasn’t responding at all.
Evan pulled away, his chest tightening. Maybe Jared had been kidding. Maybe he had been making a joke and he didn’t like Evan like that and then Evan hadn’t understood Jared’s sarcasm and now Jared was freaking out because of course he didn’t really like Evan. Stumbling backward, Evan’s back hitting the edge of the stove as he hid his face in his hands.
They were wrenched away, replaced by Jared’s lips on his. Pushing him back against the stove, Jared’s hands gripped Evan’s hips as his lips slid over Evan’s. Evan responded quickly, his arms winding around Jared’s neck and pulling him closer, which proved to be slightly problematic.
“Ow,” Evan hissed as Jared’s glasses smashed against his nose.
“Shit, sorry,” Jared stepped back slightly, one hand moving to Evan’s face as he rubbed at the small red spot left on his nose. His eyes slowly met Evan’s, and they both froze.
“Um, I guess that means you like me too?”
Evan nodded, still blushing from their kiss. Grinning, Jared let out a sigh of relief.
“Do you want to go out this weekend?” He asked, his thumb rubbing circles on Evan’s nose.
“Yes. But, um, it’s actually not that late tonight…do you maybe want to walk to that diner near our dorm?”
Jared stepped back, intertwining their fingers and resting his forehead against Evan’s.
