Todd and Neil on their first date (yes, this is totally canon, you cannot tell me otherwise)
this is my first fic so please don't judge :)
The coffee shop was loud. Much louder than Todd expected such a place to be. He’d imagined quiet. Maybe the clink of mugs, maybe soft jazz humming out of the radio. A place where his thoughts would not be disturbed. But it was alive with chatter, and his hands wouldn’t stop shaking long enough for him to stir the sugar into his coffee. He didn’t particularly like coffee, but the boy sitting across from him did.
Neil was leaning back in his chair, taking a small sip from his cup. The steam curled around his face, a twinkle in his eye as he watched Todd. Todd was envious of how Neil was perfectly calm. Or at least pretending to be. As he placed the cup back down, Todd watched as Neil’s thumb found its way to the edge of his napkin, playing with a corner of the paper until it frayed.
“You, okay?” Neil asked, voice low.
“Yeah,” Todd said quickly. Giving Neil a quick glance before staring at the window. “Just – uh… warm in here.”
Neil gave a soft chuckle, moving his head to try and be in Todd’s eyeline, grinning. “It’s October.”
Todd tried not to smile back, now staring at his lap. It was ridiculous, really, how one look form Neil could untie the knots in his chest and make him forget how to breathe at the same time.
They talked for a while, about nothing, about everything. Classes, poetry, and a new play Neil wanted to try and audition for. How the leaves on campus had turned the colour of rust and gold. Todd listened more than he spoke, but Neil didn’t seem to mind filling the silence. He always had that way of making quiet feel like something shared, not something empty.
“So, you’re really going to do it?” Todd asked after a moment, his fingers tracing the rim of his cup. “Audition, I mean. Like after everything. You’re not… scared?”
Neil smiled faintly, as if amused by the question. “Of course I’m scared.”
Todd blinked, surprised. “You don’t seem like it.”
Neil shrugged. “Being scared doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.”
Todd tilted his head, studying him. “I don’t think I could. Stand up there and… say things. In front of people.”
“You could if you wanted to,” Neil said simply, eyes soft. “You think too much before you leap.”
Todd’s lips parted to respond, but no words came. He looked down instead, a small frown tugging at his mouth. “It’s not that easy. You make it sound so…”
“Brave?” Neil offered.
“Yeah,” Todd said quietly. “You’re brave, Neil. You always have been.”
Neil’s smile faltered – just a little – but he didn’t look away. “Maybe. Or maybe I just learned to act like it.”
Something about that made Todd’s chest ache. He wanted to tell Neil that acting brave was still a kind of bravery. But before he could, Neil reached out for his cup again, the moment drifting away like the steam between them.
Soft pit-pats started as a gentle shower of rain took over the sunny afternoon. It was a soothing sound against the windows. Neil leaned across the table, closer to Todd’s face, his voice soft, low. “We could walk back in it. Be all poetic about it.”
Todd was caught off guard before a warmth bubbled in his chest as a laugh split out of his mouth. The sound surprised both Neil and him. “You’d catch a cold, Neil.”
Neil shrugged, his eyes tracing Todd’s face. “Sorry, did you say something?”
Todd laughed again, and Neil grinned victoriously. How did he keep doing this? How did one boy somehow manage to make him completely full of joy? There was a pause. The kind of pause that felt too full, like the air itself was waiting. Neil’s moved his hand onto the table, between them, his palm open, trying to be casual. Todd stared at it. A wave of nausea rose in his stomach. No, that wasn’t the right word. It was something else. It made him want to smile, to cry, maybe even scream. Then it made him want to shrink away, turn back into the quiet comfort of his room, where only he could feel himself. His own fingers fiddle in his lap. He looked up at Neil to find him already staring at him. His eyes were soft, longing even, proud in some sought of way. Todd thought brown was a cruel word for something so alive. They were sunlit honey, the calm between storms, the warmth that stays when everything else goes cold. Outside, the rain fell in sheets, but the sun was still there, shining quietly in Neil’s eyes.
Todd’s finally found the strength in his fingers, as his hand inched closer to Neil's open palm, trembling like they might change their mind. His fingers brushed clumsily against the warmth of Neil's hand, and the heat of embarrassment crawled across his cheeks. But Neil didn’t pull away.
“See?” Neil said softly. “You’re brave, too.”
Todd didn’t realise he’d been holding his breath until Neil’s thumb brushed against his. And for a second, the world went quiet, just the way he’d imagined it.
in order to stop spamming everyones dash with the rest of the messages in my inbox i got after being in dan’s video... here they are!
i just want to say a huuuuge thank you to everyone here (and before) who sent me a lovely message, a ‘congrats’ and their general excitement ☺ this whole project w/ dan, mia and dylan was so so fun and honestly a dream come true and again, i would not have had the confidence to do this if it weren’t for all the kindness and support you have given me after all these years ♡ ;_; it’s been so nice seeing folks old/new come and message me again! ♡ i feel v loved ;_; ♡ i can’t say thank you enough
i believe in phan as a relationship but one thing that is always confused me is the separate bedrooms. why do you think they have separate bedrooms? is it just for videos or do they sometimes just need their own spaces.
i would say for both. they kinda convey their “youtube personality” through their back drop in videos. and of course they need space from each other sometimes. i know, me personally, i would have a bedroom separate from my partner bc im the type of person that needs alone time
im rewatching the first season and does it ever make you emo when you think about when alec was accidently outed at magnus'?? he was so ashamed and disappointed with himself over loving jace that he thought jace would be mad at him or hate him. and then do you think about how comfortable he has become/is becoming with magnus and you want to die. i just love my baby son alec and i want him comfortable and happy and now he is :')
I KNOOOOW
i think about it all the time. cause magnus might be my absolute #1 and my everything but i love alec’s journey so so much?
he represents a huge part of lgbtq+ community. because a lot of us struggle with the fact that we’re not “normal”. God knows it took me a long time to realise that being lgbtq+ is absolutely normal.and it’s the same story with alec. he thought there was something wrong with him, that he should hide it because people would never accept him for who he is. he’s hidden such an important part of himself and it made him so miserable. he thought he’d deserved it. and i’m very emo about this. because alec deserves everything that’s good in this world
and now he’s accepted this part of himself. and even though life is still hard, he’s got magnus. and they love each other so deeply. they’re happy with each other and they’re always there for each other.
alec thought he could never be happy. and now he has the healthiest relationship in the history of relationships with the most amazing man that has ever existed(not to be dramatic but it’s totally true)
does it ever just pain you that phil from day 1 has done nothing but support dan. nothing but make sure hes safe. not only that but he makes it sure that dan knows hes loved, knows hes safe. dropping out of uni is hard for everyone but dan knew that with phil there, he could do anything. and he can, with phil there he can do anything because he has the worlds best support system alive.
dan and phil both deserved the universe and little did they know that they’d find an infinite number of constellations and heavenly beings within each other, an unending exploration of their own beloved unknown ://
