TAKING TIME AWAY
part 2 of baby steps
WARNINGS: angst, mentions of postpartum
__
Brian was trying. Trying to understand how much he missed. His wife had been struggling and only now he had noticed. He wanted to blame work, he wanted to blame the fact he was busy, busy trying to provide for his family. His girls. I just need you to help more. Her pleading rippled through his mind like a bullet. And so he was going to do just that. He didn’t give Carson time to pack her bags, he did it, regardless of her confusion. And against her protests, he told her to kiss goodbye their daughter and took her out of their house the moment Suki and Tej arrived. Jessie and Ultra were in their care for a few days, giving Brian hopefully enough time to ensure his wife knew she could rely on him.
Location: Brazil.
Where they had their honeymoon.
He just prayed it was the perfect destination for them.
“Carson?” Brian called out to her, seeing she was still on the phone to Suki. Asking about how Jessie was, if she ate, if she asked for them, if she was scared without her parents. “She’s fine. Trust me she’s in good hands.” He heard her finally hang up with a huff. Their clothes were still in their suitcases, that remained at the entrance of the villa they resided in. A few people owed him some favours at his job, so he didn’t hesitate to call them in, especially for his wife. “Let’s take a look around. We’re staying here a while.”
She gulped, “You said 4 days.”
“Right, that’s good, you needed a break.”
“You weren’t listening to me,” she let out a groan as she folded her arms.
His shoulders slumped, “I was.”
“I said I needed help. I needed what you promised me. Not a holiday. Brian, have you ever realised I have never spent more than a day away from Jessie?”
“I’m aware and this is why this would be good. A good time just to relax.” He was immediately starting to realise maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. She was panicking. Shaking at the thought of being in a different country. And what made matters worse was she had begun to leak. “Baby…”
“Fuck,” tears pooled in her eyes when she noticed, clutching at her breasts. “I… please tell me you packed — never mind.”
“I did, it’s in the car,” Brian assured her, he made sure the pump was the first thing he packed. Luckily aware of each feeding time. Even though Carson was still breastfeeding, she was weening Jessie off of it, and starting her on formula. Luckily there were bottles in the fridge back home and milk lollies in the freezer since Jessie was teething. “I’ll go get it.”
Carson struggled to contain her tears when Brian raced out of the villa, leaving her in her own exhaustion. She didn’t want to be here. She just didn’t. Driving, then being shipped, was tiring and cramped. Not even the music could comfort her. I just need help, not a fucking holiday. It appeared Brian had planned a few things for them to do. The beach was one of them. The beach where her whole body would be on show.
She tugged at the mesh cover that cascaded over her thighs. Thighs she didn’t want to look at. Thighs that were glowing in the sun but she didn’t seem to care about that. The weather only worsened her mood. As were many young bodies that ran passed her and her husband as she tried lying down on a beach chair.
“Want some more water?” Brian gestured to the almost empty bottle on the table between them. He sat up, feet sinking into the sand whilst he stared over his wife’s body. “Whatever you’d like Sonny.”
“I’m fine.” She readjusted her cover for the 10th time.
“You’re gonna get way too hot in that thing,” he said, pulling off his shirt, it was clinging to him. The sweat had seeped through and he couldn’t take it. What he didn’t know was his perfect toned body irked her more. “C’mon baby, wanna put this on me?” He held up a bottle of sunscreen, catching her attention. As did the many eyes that cut to her husband when they looked over. “You know you hate if I get sunburnt.”
Swallowing the knot in her throat, she nodded, cautiously getting up, clutching her cover, hoping it didn’t ride up.
The sand made her stumble between his legs, where his hands caught her waist and stabled her.
“Ah,” he chuckled, grinning cheekily up at her. “You’re so beautiful. Don’t know how many times I’ve said that today, but I need to say it more.”
“Pass me the bottle,” Carson held out her hand, dismissing his compliments. His amusement almost faltered, had she not been standing so close. His hands didn’t want to stop caressing at her sides. One more minute and her body would stop tensing. But her demand was clear and so he passed her the bottle. “Thanks.” She mumbled, popping open the lid, and squeezing its contents into her hand. She rubbed it into her hands and then into his shoulders. He didn’t look away when she repeated the same thing until he caught her hands. “Brian, I need to get your back before you burn.”
“Can you please relax?” He said almost pleadingly. “I know I disrupted your schedule. Everything. But I’m trying. I want you to come to me when you’re worried.”
Carson tensed again, shrugging out of his hold and rounding the beach chair, wanting to finish what he had asked before.
“I’m sorry.” He didn’t stop talking, even if he couldn’t see her expressions on her pretty face. “I just need you to know that.”
“Okay,” she settled on to at once she was finished. He craned his neck to the side, to see that she hardly reacted to his apology. “What?”
“That’s it?” His eyes followed her as she began walking back to her chair.
She said nothing else, rolling her yes at anyone leering at her husband, frustrating her more. Brian didn’t press again. Despite the boiling sun and the raving locals, Carson didn’t care much to look around at the place she once loved.
And so when they returned to the villa, their arguments only crept up again, as the sun was bleeding into the horizon.
Her bikini and cover dropped onto their bedroom floor as he trailed after her in his trunks and flip-flops.
“You literally told me, everything I do is my job.”
Brian frowned, “I know.”
“You literally made me feel ungrateful,” she exclaimed, grabbing a hair band and pulling up her hair.
“I know and —“ Brian was cut off as she faced him, eyes simmering with rage.
“You don’t fucking know Brian. Do you know it feels like having a kid and you try and try and give her everything you never got and it feels like she doesn’t feel it? Like she doesn’t feel the love I feel?”
“What…” his breath hitched in his throat as his gaze darted over her contorted features.
She breathed out, “She likes you more than me.”
“She doesn’t.” Brian instantly denied.
“She liked you because you’re hardly around. Everyone loves the parent that isn’t really present.”
He couldn’t help but softly scoff, “Right.”
She groaned in annoyance, “What? Brian, you spend sometimes a week or two away from us. And when Jessie is finally asleep, and when Ultra is too, I don’t sleep. I can’t. I’m just alone.” She listed, feeling tears sting at her as she slumped against the wall they stood before, “Cleaning, washing, mopping, vacuuming, feeding, cooking, changing and then repeating it all over again.” Her throat felt raw, “I’m so fucking tired all the time and sometimes I just don’t want to be there. In that home. And sometimes… I don’t want…”
Brian’s blinking quickened when he caught on to her hesitant hints.
“What? To be a mom? To be my wife?”
“I guess,” her words escaped her before her mind could catch up.
Brian let out a shuddered breath, “Wow.”
“Don’t,” her jaw twitched, when she saw his downcast stare, “Don’t make me feel guilty. I already feel guilty enough.”
“I’m not trying to make you feel guilty,” he assured, yet her admission was like shards piercing his heart.
Carson swallowed harshly as she anxiously folded her arms, “It disgusts me, Brian. To know that sometimes I just wanna not…”
“You’re human,” he defended, following her every move.
“I’m a mom. And a wife and sometimes it’s too much,” she confessed, tears dared to escape her glossy eyes.
“I should’ve realised sooner.” He took a step toward them, wincing at the harsh light cast over them. “You felt alone. You were alone and I’m sorry.” Apologies were tumbling from his lips. “But that’s gonna change baby. You’re my wife and mother of our baby girl. The love of my life. I won’t let you get away that easy. Okay?” He assured. No, he promised as he stepped closer to her, determined to make her know every word he said he meant. Their hands grazed each other whilst he continued, “Raising a kid is both our responsibilities. Our jobs. Not yours alone.”
Not yours alone… she wanted to trust him. She needed to. For her sanity. For their marriage. For their daughter. For their future.
And so she nodded.
“Not mine alone,” she uttered, exhaling quietly as their foreheads pressed together.
“Not yours alone,” he repeated.
—
a/n:
I felt this continuation was needed. Plus I like the angst between them.
