WRONG TO WANT YOU - 4
words: 6.6k
summary: you and tonowari's discovery was imminent but you never expected the fallout to be this nuclear.
contents: fem!sullyreader x tonowari, agegap, sm angst, fighting, themes of shame, guilt, blame, belonging and so much angst y'all gonna hate me hehehe
notes: so... i am back. sorry this took so long to update i had to momentarily be an adult and i had insane writers block. but i hope u guys enjoy
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As you went to sleep, you silently prayed tomorrow wouldn’t come. Yet, the sun rose once again.
Sleep never really came during the night. Every time you shut your eyes, the image of your father’s face burned in your mind. The disappointment, the anger, the darkness of his gaze as though he no longer recognized his daughter in front of him.
Dawn arrived, yet the weight of the day was already crushing your chest.
Breakfast was always loud, someone would be talking over another. Lo’ak would be irritating Neteyam, Tuk would be sat next to Neytiri asking questions when it was too early to give an answer. Kiri would be sitting with Spider laughing together.
It was a familiar chaos, where even in the breezy shores it still felt like home.
Today.
Today it felt like a funeral.
Everyone in the marui sat in an awkward silence as breakfast was passed around. There was no laughter or familial comfort. Just the sounds of crackling fire and the distant crash of waves.
You sat at the end of the mat, shoulders hunched, staring down at the food resting in your lap. An assortment of fresh fruit and fish that you would have already finished by now and yet it remained untouched.
Across from you, sat at the opposing end of the mat was Jake. His posture was rigid, hands firmly gripping his knees.
His posture reminded you of the training sessions you would all have back in the forest. His muscles locked into place, movements controlled…calculated. He hadn’t raised his voice since last night.
No.
He hadn’t spoken since last night.
And somehow the silence felt worse.
At least anger was loud. You could defend yourself against loud. You could protest his rage. But the silence?
It felt deliberate.
It wasn’t just silence. It was avoidance. His eyes had not landed on you once. Yet, it wasn’t like he was trying to look at you. It was as if you weren’t there at all.
By his side your mother occasionally glanced between the two of you. The tension that was in the air etched concern onto her face. A soft frown that left a line on her aging skin. But she was uncertain on how to bridge this expanding distance that had grown overnight.
The hostility was so great that even Tuk sensed that something was wrong.
She sat unusually close to Neytiri, quietly chewing her breakfast not a single question falling out of her mouth. Occasionally, she would sneak a glance towards you, though every time your eyes met, she looked away. As if she was caught doing something she shouldn’t.
A gnawing guilt churned painfully in your stomach.
This wasn’t her fault. Even if she was the one who screamed it throughout the home.
She was just a child.
This was your fault. For being reckless, for thinking with nothing but desire.
Lo’ak was never good at hiding his feelings. It was all shown on his face. His tight-lipped frown, his bushy eyebrows furrowed as he would open his mouth as if preparing to shatter the tension in the room before immediately deciding against it.
Neteyam on the other hand, was completely determined to pretend nothing had happened. Though, no one else appeared to be interested in maintaining that illusion.
It was Kiri who cracked first.
Her hands clasped together, sucking in a sharp breath. “So…”
Lo’ak immediately groaned, setting the fruit down that was about to be shoved into his mouth.
“What?” Kiri responded with a sigh.
“Don’t.” Lo’ak said sharply, looking at her with pleading eyes.
“What? I haven’t even said anything!” Kiri rolled her eyes, throwing her hands up in the air.
“Yeah, you were going to.”
“How would you know?”
“I just do.”
For the first time in the morning a faint chuckle escaped Neteyam’s lips.
The intrusion of a sound filled with smithers of joy left the marui in shock. But it was a warmth that wasn’t denied entry.
Tuk immediately started giggling at the childish argument between her older siblings. And for a short moment, the tension began to ease.
Not by much. Not at all.
But just enough to remind you of what a morning should feel like.
However, as fast as the tension started to break away. It grew twice as quickly.
Jake’s head lifted, authority pouring over the marui. The soft snickers of your siblings instantly coming to a halt.
That feeling in your chest from before. That guilt.
It transformed into something uglier.
Hurt.
Memories of the night before rushed in immediately.
“I can and I will send you back home.”
That horrid phrase that replayed in your head all night. The threat that loomed over you from a nightmare preventing you from slipping into a slumber.
You let out a shaky sigh; your gaze once again had dropped to discarded food in your lap. Suddenly, the woven mat beneath you was a million times more interesting than looking at anything else.
Neytiri watched as you shrunk a little more into yourself. She hated it, the tension, the sadness, the pain that loomed over you like a dark cloud.
“My daughter.” Her voice was gentle, cutting through the thick emotional fog. Your eyes flicked up to meet hers. Her golden eye studied her daughter for a moment, before drifting to the untouched fruit on your plate. “You have not eaten.”
Your eyes dropped down to the food, it looked the exact same as it did when it was given to you. “I’m not hungry.” Your lie was pathetic, everyone in the marui knew it.
Neytiri’s expression seemed to soften even further, the small frown growing as she gazed at you, but before she could respond Jake suddenly pushed himself to his feet.
The movement was jarring, your stomach dropped.
It was as if you were witnessing the growing rumble of a volcano before it erupted.
Stupidly for one short, brief moment you thought that he might finally say something to you.
But you knew that both you and your father were too prideful to even ponder about reconciling.
In a swift motion he grabbed his spear. “Boys. Outside.”
The phrase was met with immediate protest, both Lo’ak and Neteyam letting out a groan as they got up from the mat.
Jake continued to walk towards the door, waiting for your brothers to grab their stuff. “Kiri and Tuk you too. No one is sitting around today.”
One by one each of your siblings rose to their feet, filing past Jake towards the exit.
Yet, you remained seated.
You found yourself waiting.
Waiting for him to look at you.
To say your name.
To acknowledge you.
He never did.
Your father simply stepped out of the marui, leaving the flap swaying behind him.
And it cut deeper than any of the yelling had.
The walk you took was meant to be an escape.
But it continued to make you feel even more claustrophobic.
The village had never felt so small. Everywhere you looked, people were watching. And no one bothered to give you the courtesy of subtlety.
Conversations stopped when you walked past, heads followed your direction, whispers that carried along the breeze.
Walking through the village, your feet brushed against the woven nets that hung just above the water.
Stepping down onto the sandy centre of the village you passed a group of women all weaving together. One woman looked up, her eyes immediately widening when she saw you. Her fin-like arm nudged the woman beside her, and they both immediately fell silent.
Dread built up within you. An unshakeable feeling of doom that was beginning to consume you from the inside out.
They knew.
Everyone knew.
You lowered your head, trying to shield yourself from the piercing gazes of the clan. Your pace quickened desperately trying to escape somewhere where you could not be perceived.
If you got away from the village then maybe you could escape all of this.
If you got away-
“You!”
The shout cracked through the air like a whip, sharp enough to make every head turn.
Every muscle in your body locked at once, your feet freezing, refusing to move as that sound rang in your ears. Everything around you seemed to dull, conversations dying so suddenly that the entire village was consumed in a tense, watchful silence.
Though every fibre within you screamed to run, to sprint away and escape the awaiting conflict.
You slowly turned.
Ao’nung was marching towards you. His shoulders were squared, fists clasped together. His jaw was clenched so tight the muscles across his face visibly flexed beneath his skin.
He looked furious.
No.
He was furious.
He came to a halt directly in front of you, so close that you could feel the breath escaping his mouth against your face. He stayed silent aside from his heavy breathing, teeth grinding as he stared.
Then a scoff escaped him. It was a harsh and bitter sound. “Tell me they are lying.”
Your stomach dropped.
That same dread that was inside you grew to become a cold and sinking feeling that spread so quickly through your body it made you dizzy. And in that moment, as bile rose up your throat and you watched how his nostrils flared.
You knew this was going to become a lot worse than you had imagined.
“Ao’nung-” Your voice was shaky and quiet, as if these last hours had taken all the fight from you.
“No,” He pointed at you, his finger pushing against your sternum. “Tell me.”
“Just- Not here.” You whispered, in a desperate attempt to try and conceal the conversation, though your efforts were left unnoticed.
“Tell me you are not sleeping with my father!” A choir of gasps rippled through the crowd, whispers growing into loud exclamations of shock.
Your face burned with embarrassment, yet your hands began to feel cold. The breeze brushing against them as they became clammy.
“Ao’nung- not here!” It was a hushed shout, a desperate attempt to silence him.
“What? Too loud?” He snapped, stepping even closer. His height towering over you, forcing you to adjust your neck to meet his irate gaze. His arms spread wide, motioning to the people surrounding you two. “Pretty sure everyone already knows.”
“Ao’nung, stop.” You squeezed your eyes shut. Maybe if you just closed your eyes all of this would disappear.
“No!” His voice rose another decibel. “You stop!”
The crowd continued to grow. The commotion spreading across the quiet village like a wildfire. One by one, villagers abandoned whatever was previously occupying their morning. Drawn to the rising tension as if the argument had become impossible to ignore.
People gathered in loose clusters at the ends of the paths that surrounded the very centre of the village. Heads had turned, voices dropped to murmurs.
Your heart hammered in your chest, beating against your ribs with a forceful thump. “Ao’nung this is not the place.”
A laugh escaped him. But he wasn’t amused. It was a cynical and sarcastic laugh. “Oh! Not the place!” He let out another cold laugh. “Were you worried about the place when you were on the cliffs.”
Every insult he threw he managed to land on the bullseye.
Your embarrassment grew to utter humiliation. The eyes of onlookers were piercing into you, crawling under your skin and tugging out your deepest secrets.
“Stop.” You begged, eyes darting around for an escape, but the crowd had started to close in, forcing you to endure the beratement.
“How long?”
“What?”
“How. Long?” Each syllable was another dagger jamming into you. His voicer becoming lower, and more dangerous. “How long has this been going on?”
You stayed silent, words jumbling in your mouth and failing to come out. And he took that for an answer.
He scoffed again, another ice-cold laugh escaping him as he ran his large hand over his face. “Unbelievable.”
“Ao’nung please!”
He shook his head, the hair of his bun becoming slightly loose. “You are unbelievable!”
“Whatever you think this is, it isn’t.” You said almost desperately.
“Really? Really?!” He barked. “Because from where I am standing it looks exactly like what I think!”
Deep in your humiliation there was a spark of unrest. Your temper acting like an ember that was about to set a light. “Then stop making assumptions.”
“Assumptions?” He repeated, his voice a cold and sharp sneer.
You nodded, trying to stifle the growing emotions that churned inside you.
Ao’nung took a step back, taking a deep breath “I catch my ex sneaking around with my father! And I am the one making assumptions?!”
“You didn’t catch anything Ao’nung!” You exclaimed back, a pathetic attempt to prove your innocence. Though the dread and the shame made you feel as if you didn’t deserve a fair trial.
“Tuk did.” He retorted.
There was a small number of snickers heard in the crowd, and it made your face burn even hotter. Is this the punishment you deserved? Just for being recklessly in love.
“Ao’nung please. Can we just talk in private?”
But your pleas fell on deaf ears.
“Was this happening while we were together?”
The accusation slapped you across the face. His words leaving your cheeks burning with humiliation.
“What? No!” That ember began to burn brighter. A fierce fire within you burning to defend yourself.
For a brief, moment the rage that consumed him flickered away revealing something akin to relief.
But it was gone almost instantly.
“Then what changed?”
“Are you serious?” That same burning rage inside of Ao’nung was beginning to consume you as well.
“What changed?!” His voice rose, quick enough and loud enough that you flinched slightly. “What changed that made my father suddenly worth looking at?”
His ignorance unearthed something deep from inside you. A hurt, a betrayal that had been dimmed since you had been seeing Tonowari. “You cheated on me!”
There was another flicker in Ao’nung’s demeanour, his enraged resolve being chipped away by your blunt reply.
“You want to know what changed?!” You stepped to him now, your finger landing in his chest. “You did. You changed!”
“Stop.” Ao’nung hissed out, his hand clasping around your wrist.
You let out a bitter laugh, pressing harder into Ao’nung’s chest as he tried to push you away. “You do not get to stand here and act betrayed.” You paused, staring coldly into his eyes. “Not when you betrayed me first.”
Ao’nung’s nostrils flared, and for a passing second his face twisted with something rawer and more wounded than anger. “You humiliated me.”
Your jaw drops at his audacity. “Humiliated you?” Your eyes flick up and down his face “Are you kidding me?” A short, cynical laugh that was closer to a scoff erupted out of your mouth.
“Do you think this is funny?” Ao’nung replied.
“I just think it is funny coming from you.”
The crowd had grown; it was impossible not to witness the spectacle occurring. Some of the women shifted uncomfortably in the crowd. This was no longer gossip, but something deeper, more personal.
“You spent months making me feel like I wasn’t enough. I mean…I was never truly good enough for you.” You were imposing on him, even if you were shorter than stature, your rage and anger loomed over him.
“Don’t start.” Ao’nung grumbled, tilting his head back.
“No I will.” The sneer in your tone was final. “You cheated.” A shove against his chest. “You lied.” Another. “And you broke my heart.”
Ao’nung couldn’t meet your eyes. But it met the gazes of the crowd. He could see their opinions changing. The disgust that was once aimed at you was beginning to move towards him.
And he hated it.
His reputation was his greatest asset. And you certainly wouldn’t take that from him.
A sharp breath escaped his nose; his gaze dropped to the sand under his feet. Then his lips creased, a small grin appearing.
Then there was that breathy laugh. “Yeah. Right.” He laughed again, shaking his head “Of course.” His tone was laced with venomous sarcasm.
His eyes slowly lifted, but they passed yours, fixing straight on the crowd. “I know I made mistakes…I know I did.”
You faltered for a moment. Was he…taking responsibility? No. There had to be a catch.
There was always a catch.
“I will not pretend I was perfect.” He continued. “I hurt you.” There was a controlled pause in his words, letting the crowd here them. “Do not stand here and act like I was the one who forced you away.”
“No-”
But he cut you off quickly, that same tight-lipped grin stretching across his face as his eyes finally met yours. Sharp and imposing. “You moved on fast.”
Moved on? As if you were the one by the rockpools. As if you were the one who broke the trust. “I did not.”
“You did.” Another bitter laugh left his lips. “You have spent months moping around, showing everyone just how ‘heartbroken’ you were.” His arm cast out to point towards everyone gathered around you two. “And suddenly you are caught sneaking around with my father, their chief.”
His words hung in the air, and for a moment nobody spoke and nobody moved. There was an awful silence that the entire village was suspended in.
“And you know what the worst part is?” His voice was tired, and broken devoid of anger.
But his eyes?
They were vengeful.
He was certain. You would never be able to step foot back into the village without the shame of your desires drowning you.
“I felt…so broken. I felt so guilty.” His voice cracked, another part of his performance. “I spent so many nights wonder if I had ruined something good. That I had hurt you too intensely.”
“Ao’nung.” It was firm, you wanted him to stop. You needed him to stop this façade. “You are lying.”
“And now!” His voice rose, ensuring only he could be heard. “You were sneaking around with him the whole time!”
“No!-”
“I was not enough for you. So you went for my father!” How had he managed to twist your words up so venomously. Every vulnerability you showed he had carved into a blade.
“That was not what happened!”
“What did you need? A place here? Status? Belonging?”
“No! Just stop that is not what happened. You are not listening!” But there was no point in defending yourself when you were never going to get a fair trial.
“Or maybe you did not want that at all.” He let out a chuckle “Maybe you were never meant to come here.”
You recoiled at the remark. You had never felt so isolated in your life. It was the one insecurity that he had held over you.
That you didn’t belong.
“You have made my father into a joke!” This was becoming something bigger than just you. A disease that had spread rapidly, unable to be contained. “You came here and have ruined everything!”
“No I- I didn’t.”
“You brought your demon blood, and your demon wars.”
“Ao’nung stop.” You felt the hot prickle of tears behind your eyes. But he wasn’t looking at you any longer. He was looking at everyone else but you.
His clan.
His people.
“Do you seriously think these people will forget this? The death your people have brought and the humiliation you have caused?”
Your heart ached. Physically ached as if someone has clambered inside of you and squeezed it.
“You should’ve stayed in the forest.”
His words pierced you, you felt yourself bleeding in front of the crowd. And no one was bothered enough to stop this madness.
Until.
“Ao’nung!”
The shout cracked through the crowd. It was deep, commanding, and his.
Tonowari parted the crowd with a flick of his wrist, his spear dragging along the sand as he marched towards the both of you.
The chief came to a stop between you and his son. His broad shoulders forming a wall between you.
But they weren’t in front of you.
They were in front of Ao’nung. Protecting him. Separating him.
Of course.
Ao’nung scoffed, his resolve finally breaking as he looked into his father’s eyes. “Ah! You finally showed up!”
“Ao’nung.” Tonowari’s voice was low, but still so commanding. “That is enough.”
“No!” He retorted like a misbehaving child. “You do not get to stand in front of me and speak to me as if I am the problem!”
Tonowari’s grimaced, a pained expression falling over him. He knew this was going to hurt you. He knew this was going to hurt his son. And he did it anyway. “Ao’nung. We can speak about this in private.”
“Oh! I know somewhere private! The cliffs!” He sneered back at his father. “Should we go there so we can escape their whispers? So we can move away from their remarks and their laughter?!”
Tonowari tried to interrupt him, to assert some sort of fleeting authority over the situation but Ao’nung was a ticking bomb that was seconds way from erupting.
“You are my father! You are supposed to know better!”
You stood their awkwardly rooted in your spot. Witnessing the family wreckage that you felt you had caused.
“You taught me responsibility! You taught me that we are meant to make sacrifices! That our choices affect everyone around us!”
“I know.” Tonowari said pained. He felt his heart shattering in front of him.
He knew his son had broken the heart of the woman that he loved. But did that give him the right to break the heart of his only son?
“Then why did you do this?! Why did you do this to me?” It was the rawest emotion Ao’nung had displayed the entire time. His honest disappointment and heartbreak breaking through his performance.
Tonowari faltered for a moment, his body turning for just a second.
He turned to meet your eyes, to gaze into the mess he caused. He saw two people he treasured breaking apart in front of him.
He blamed no one but himself. He was the oldest, he was a role model, a leader and he had acted like a naïve boy.
He thought that maybe for once he could do something selfish.
But a leader made sacrifices.
And to love and be loved?
That was one he should’ve made.
His eyes left yours as he turned back to Ao’nung. And you felt the absence of his gaze swallow you whole.
How naïve of you to think he could possibly choose you.
You knew him, you knew this was the exact conclusion he would come to. But that did not make it hurt any less.
“Ao’nung. I am sorry.” Tonowari confessed a large hand clasping onto his sons shoulder, anchoring himself to him. “I understand why you are angry…I do not expect you to forgive me.”
Ao’nung’s nostrils flared, his lips pursing. An attempt to stop that hot prickle behind his eyes from breaking free. “You have always taught me to be better than my last mistake.” Ao’nung’s stare broke apart from his fathers and landed right on you. He wanted you to hear the words he was about to say. He wanted them to hurt, and he wanted you to be hurt. “Maybe you should try being better than yours.”
His words hung in the air. No one responded to him.
They had done their job.
Because you had never felt so broken.
You stood their frozen. It felt as if everything was closing in. As if every stare had been physically branded into your skin.
Your eyes flickered across the crowd. Your friends, your family, people you had trained with, laughed with, welcomed you into their home.
Now they just watched.
No one said a word. No one said that Ao’nung was wrong.
It was as if the silence had become a confirmation of a hard truth.
Those tears that you had been stifling since breakfast had finally spilled onto your cheeks. You wiped them quickly, but it didn’t stop them.
A strangled gasp left your lips, and then another.
If you were to stay here one more second you were sure you would collapse.
You couldn’t stand there and longer.
So, you ran.
Your feet hit the sand hard and fast, the small particles kicking behind your as the crowd parted instinctively.
You couldn’t see where you were going, not when the tears you spilled blurred your vision. You just knew you were getting away.
The village was left behind but the words…they stayed chasing you. Clinging to your body as if they were physically hooked into your skin, even after the voices of the words had disappeared.
Because no one dared to follow you.
The sounds of the Metkayina had long faded behind you. There was no chatter drifting between maruis, no distant voices carrying across the salty water. It was just the ocean now. The endless waves crashed against the shore just as they did every day. But it was the only comfort you could find in this chaos.
The moment your knees dropped onto the sand, whatever composure you had been desperately holding onto shattered.
A sob tore from your chest, so violent it left you gasping for your next breath. Another sob followed quickly after. Then another, and another.
They came so quickly you could no longer tell where one ended, and the next one had begun. Your sands arms wrapped around yourself as you collapsed forward, your forehead almost touching the sand beneath you.
It hurt.
It hurt so much.
The humiliation, the shame, the heartache.
But worst of all.
It was the terrifying realization that all of your worst fears had somehow come true at once.
Ao’nung’s words echoed mercilessly though your head.
You don’t belong here.
The words should not have mattered. They came from someone who had broken your trust, someone who had betrayed you, someone who had broken your heart long before Tonowari came to collect the pieces.
Yet they crept into every crack and insecurity you had spent months attempting to mend. Ever since arriving on these sandy shores you had been trying to carve out a place for you to belong. Trying to become something more than the demon-blooded forest girl.
And for a while, you really thought you had succeeded. And it was because of him.
Tonowari had been the first person who made this village feel less foreign. He was the first person who looked at you and saw more than just the dark hue of your skin.
Somewhere between the early mornings, the quiet conversations, the late nights and the soft touches, he had become home in a place that was never truly yours.
But what were you meant to do now? When home was hurting too.
The sound of footsteps behind you was almost silenced beneath the sound of your cries.
Your ears flicked slightly, your body tensed for a moment, but you didn’t move from your crouched position. You couldn’t be seen this broken, you couldn’t give anyone else more ammunition to aim at you.
Your stomach twisted, you knew those footsteps. The rhythm, the certainty. You prayed against your own intuition that it was anybody else. Maybe it was Kiri, or Lo’ak or your mother.
Anybody.
Because you were certain that you couldn’t survive seeing him right now.
The footsteps halted a few paces behind you. Silence settled as he settled in the sand, the waves still continuing their endless journey against the shore.
Then his voice reached you.
“My beautiful girl.”
Why did he have to say it so soft, so comforting. His words often acted like a blanket, shielding you from the coldness of your insecurities. But today that blanket did not have any warmth.
A strangled sob left you before you could stop it, your palm came up covering your mouth. A pathetic attempt to silence your distress.
Tonowari remained where he was. It was not often he felt paralysed, but as he watched your shoulders tremble and listened to your cries, he felt completely hollow.
When he had followed your footsteps the guilt inside of him had grown heavier. He had witnessed his son stand before his people and tear you apart with venomous words that should have never been uttered. He watched as you stood there alone while poisonous whispers spread through the crowd like fire.
And he knew who was responsible.
Himself.
Every road lead back to him.
Every wound that had been inflicted on your soul could be traced back to a reckless choice he had made.
A choice he would make again if he was given the chance.
Because if all roads lead back to him, he’d spend eternity trying to create one that lead back to you.
Slowly, he lowered himself onto the sand beside you. Close enough to speak but far enough to feel the absence of your skin.
For once, the great leader had no idea what to say.
There were no words capable of undoing what damage he had done. Just the crushing reality that the woman he loved was breaking apart because of him.
Beside him, your sobs had quieted into soft uneven breaths, your arms still tightly wrapped around yourself.
Tonowari swallowed, he was still so unsure.
What if he said something and it hurt you more?
There weren’t many moments he was struck with fear, but this was undeniable.
“I am sorry.” The sentence was pathetic compared to the mountain of hurt you were carrying on your shoulders.
You didn’t respond with words. Only a tired, hollow laugh left you.
“I should have never allowed this.” He continued. He noticed the moment the words were spoken your shoulders stiffened. “I knew better…I knew what would happen if we got discovered.”
Your head finally left your hands, and you turned towards him. Your eyes were red and weeping, your face swollen and tear stricken. The sight had almost shattered him.
“But you did it anyway.” The words were quiet, but the accusation was loud.
“Yes.”
“Why?”
It was the question that he had been interrogating himself with all day.
Why?
Because he loved you.
Because every morning became a little brighter with you in it.
Because he had never felt so alive.
Because he would have destroyed himself for just another stolen moment beside you.
But he thought those answers did not seem fair. There was one other reason that he was certain of.
“Because I was selfish.” He saw the way you visibly recoiled. Everything he said managed to push you further and further away.
“What are you saying? That this was a selfish mistake?”
Tonowari grimaced, because he agreed. This was his selfish mistake, but you were the never the mistake, you were what made everything feel right.
“No…But.” He watched your eyes shut for a moment as the last word rolled off his tongue. “My family…Your family…My people.” His jaw tightened. “I knew there would be consequences.”
Your response was almost immediate, like you were desperately searching for a slither of reassurance. “Was I worth it?”
Tonowari felt his heart crack. Because you were worth everything, he just wished he could give it to you.
“Yes.” His response came without hesitation, without a single doubt.
Your head turned from him once again as a wave of freshy salty tears threatened to spill over your cheeks. “Then why does it sound like you regret it?”
Your question left him speechless. Because that was never what he meant.
Yes, he did regret hurting you. He regretted failing you.
But loving you?
Not for a second.
“No. You misunderstand me.”
A bitter laugh escaped you. “Do I?” Your voice cracked slightly as you hands shook coming up to wipe the warm tears trailing down your face. “You stood there…You stood there and watched him say all of those things.”
Tonowari’s head hung down in shame. “I know.”
“You did not say a thing.”
He stayed silent. There was no defence he could bring. There was no excuse. Ao’nung did not speak as a leader but a humiliated ex and a wounded son and Tonowari failed to stop his son’s wounds from seeping into yours.
“I could not.” Tonowari answered weakly.
Your body snapped at his answer, your spine straightening as if you were preparing for an attack. “You could not?” You replied to him sharply.
“He…He was hurting.”
“So was I!” Your voice cracked not with sadness but with anger. That familiar betrayal crawling back up inside of you. “I stood there while everyone stared at me, while he mocked me and ridiculed me!” There was a heartbreaking pause in your words. “And you just stood there beside him and watched.”
“I did not stand beside him.”
“Oh, please.” I scoff in your face “From where I was standing it looked just like that.”
Tonowari’s entire body faced yours now, and he saw just how furious you were. “He is my son…I had to be careful.” His head dropped in shame, he knew the answer was pathetic.
“Then what am I?” Your question was so angry and quick he failed to answer it. “Tell me.” Another beat of silence. “Am I supposed to believe I am someone you love when you allowed that to happen?”
His head shot up just as quickly as it had dropped down. “Do not say that.”
“Oh! Now we are watching what we say?” Your voice rose. “I mean what am I supposed to think?” You inched slightly apart from him, the distance feeling like a canyon to Tonowari. “What am I supposed to think when the entire clan is watching me get humiliated and the one person I thought would stand behind me just-”
Your voice broke, rushing to swallow the pain, trying to force the tears away. “You just let it happen.”
Tonowari felt all of his emotions curdle inside himself. He felt sick. Because every word you uttered was true.
And he hated himself for it.
“I had to be careful, what if I stepped in and he lashed out even more? What if it had become even worse?”
Disbelief spread across your face. “This is the worst Tonowari!” In your outburst you stood up from your spot on the sand. Tonowari immediately followed, taking the opportunity to close some of the distance between you.
“Do you think the gossip is what hurts most? The whispers?”
Tonowari stayed silent, his hand twitching just beside yours. “What hurt most was that Ao’nung said all of those words knowing that everyone was listening!” Your voice trembled “And everyone believed him!”
“I didn’t.” Tonowari whispered.
“Then why didn’t you stop him!” Your voice was louder than it had been all night, all the pain bubbling up and finally erupting. “I kept looking for you! I kept waiting for you to say something…To stop him.”
“I know…I wish I did. I should have.”
Your gaze met his and looking into his eyes was enough to shatter you. Half of you wanted to fall into his arms, let his smooth words and soft caresses shield you from all of this unbearable pain. But the other half wanted to scream until your lungs gave out, to yell and curse at him until he was the one crying just like you were.
“I would have.” You whispered. “I would have stood beside you.”
Tonowari sighed, because he knew you would have. He prayed he could have possess just a portion of the courage you possess. But he was a coward. “I know.”
“If you were the one who was being ridiculed and mocked and torn apart.” Your hand came up to your chest, trying to clutch your heart to stop it from aching. “I would have stood beside you.”
“I have failed you.” Tonowari confessed, reaching his hands out but he knew he didn’t deserve to hold your delicate palms in his. “I should have protected you.”
“I am not asking you to choose me over your son…I just wish I was enough to be an option.”
Tonowari gasped at your confession. “Do not say that.” In a desperate attempt his hands suddenly grasped at yours. “Please. Do not say that. You are enough.” You retracted at his touch, but you didn’t pull your hands out of his. “My beautiful girl you are more than enough.”
“It does not feel like that.” You whispered, the softness of your voice making Tonowari grasp you even tighter.
“I should have never put you in this position.”
“But you have.”
“I know. And I am so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you…that is the last thing I ever wanted to do.”
You paused, a small hiccup of a breath escaping you. “I knew this would be difficult.”
Tonowari went to reply, but you gripped onto his hand tighter and his mouth closed.
“I just thought that…if Ao’nung hated me, if my family was ashamed of me and the village mocked me.” You gazed up at him. “That I would still have you.”
Tonowari almost broke apart. Because he thought that too. That when things inevitably imploded that the two of you face it together. But he had disappointed in an unimaginable way.
“You do have me.” Tonowari said desperately
“Do I?”
Your doubtfulness made Tonowari’s throat close. How else were you meant to react after what he had done today?
“I love you.” Tonowari whispered to you, his eyes unable to break away from you. His breath was uneven; his hands were trembling around yours. “I love you. I-I have never felt so compelled by a woman before.”
He gently tugged you closer “I need you to know…that I do not regret a single moment I have spent with you.” His thumb began to caress the outside out your hand. “My beautiful girl the only thing I regret is hurting you.”
“I regret what I have done to you…I never wanted you to second guess your place here…I wanted to cement your future here.”
“You made me feel like I had a place here.” You whispered. “Since that night I felt like I could have a future here.”
“I want that future.” Tonowari gasped. “I want that future to be here with me.”
“I do too.” Your words brought relief to his chest. “But you have to fix this. I will not be made a mockery anymore.”
Tonowari’s eyes closed for a brief moment. An overwhelming amount of relief had flooded his system.
He knees almost buckled beneath him. He was convinced that when he followed your footsteps down the beach that it would’ve been the moment you walked out of his life.
He was sure he had already lost you.
But you were giving him a second chance.
One he did not deserve.
But you will still here in front of him despite everything.
“I will fix this.” He said with a renewed sense of vigour. “I do not know how, but I will.” He cautiously leaned his head down to rest against your forehead. “The shame that was placed upon you today is mine. I vow to you that I will carry it.”
For the first time today, that tightness in your chest loosened.
There were still wounds, ones that would take more time to heal. But as you stood on the shore with Tonowari’s hands and promises wrapped around you, the burden felt lighter.
There were still many conversations to come and hurdles to overcome.
But if he kept his vow to do it together.
Then the small spark of hope between you could blossom into something beautiful.
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authors note: okay if u managed to get this far ilysm thankyou sm for reading my fic. hopefullyyyy u guys liked it. i spent awhile thinking on how i wanted to go about it (hence the absence)
plz plz reply/comment/send an ask on what you thought i love reading what you guys thought it means sm to me anyway big kisses thankqq for readingggggg byeeee
