Numb
Pairing: Bucky Barnes AU x Fem!Reader Warnings: Attempted Suicide, Talk About Suicide, Hinted Eating Disorder, A Lot Of Swearing, Being Mean And Vicious. (If you have any issue with the warnings I would highly suggest you stay away from this!) Summary: This is not a love story A/N: This is a little one shot I wrote because I am sad. This is a lot to handle, so please make sure you read the warnings!!
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MASTERLIST
Numb
You walked through the hallways, wanting to get a new bottle of water for your room. It never occurred to you to take the entire six pack since none of the other Avengers liked sparkling water.
The low lights running through the hallways marked the end of the day, everyone asleep and the tower so quiet you heard your footsteps bouncing off the walls. It is strange, walking around this late. The rush of the day gone, former deadly assassins and war heroes all slumbering in peace. Or so you thought.
You turned the corner, whispers and whimpers cutting through the deadly silence.
You knew exactly who it was as you walked up to his room. Bucky was wide awake.
It crossed your mind to knock or at least ask F.R.I.D.A.Y what was going on behind the door, but the fear of being shoved away verbally concerned you. It is far too dangerous not to take immediate action.
So, you turned the handle, pushing the door inside gently, the painful voice of Bucky Barnes getting clearer; he was in pain. Quietly, you closed the door, watching as Bucky stood at the window, his back to you, shoulders shaking.
There was something eerie about this situation, something very wrong. You have heard him being in internal pain before, his cries for help, someone to take the evil out of his brain, but no one could do anything but to tell him he will be alright. Those demons come out quite a lot and it is always just as painful as the last time.
You inched closer to him, whispering. “Bucky.”
His shoulders stiffened, his cries disappearing in the air with one last echo. Bucky turned and your blood ran cold.
His face glistened with tears; he must have been crying for a while. His sweater confirming it with stains. In his hand, a gun. You assumed it was loaded.
Your eyes widened, the man you have come to adore more than a friend, now stood in front of you, ready to fire that gun. “What are you doing?” You said, a little firmer this time, in need for the answer to confirm what your brain was telling you.
“Just stay away. Get out.” Bucky said, your eyes widening.
Now you could not go, even though he did not say it, you knew he wanted to point that gun to his head. You inched closer once more, trying your best to close the distance between you and Bucky, without being invasive.
He let you.
Though he was still stiff, he let you touch his wrists, keeping his hands steady where they are. You are not stronger than him, but you wanted to try.
You looked away from the gun, looking into his eyes. The red rim around them, fresh tears falling. You felt powerless. But you wanted to try.
“Please don’t.”
“Why not?” Bucky fired back.
“Because there are a lot of people here that don’t want to see you dead. A lot of friends who do not want to discover your lifeless body in the morning. And I don’t either.” You squeezed his wrists.
“I don’t care, y/n. I want out, I can’t do this anymore.” Bucky’s words turned to a whisper, almost unable to detect.
“It doesn’t matter what happened and it doesn’t matter what will happen, all that does matter is right now, Bucky. Stop being so selfish.” You knew it would hurt one way or another and you saw it in his face. “No matter what you tell yourself, there are people who care if your alive. I know you want out, but this will only inflict permanent damage to the people around you.”
Bucky closed his eyes, tilting his head up. “I don’t have a reason to stay.”
“Yes, you do. Think about all the books you have not read, the stories you have not told. Think about the family you will never have if you do this. Bucky-“ You let go of his wrists, holding his face, forcing him to look at you. “- Your life isn’t over just yet, Buck. I know it’s hard, but it’s better to feel pain than nothing at all. Me and all the others will be here for you every step of the way.”
You took the gun in your hands, slowly placing it on his desk next to you. Bucky leaned closer to you and you wrapped your arms around him, running your hand up and down his back. Both of you stood like this for a moment, embracing each other. Letting the silence wash over you and just be here.
Unwrapping your arms from his body, you took his hands in yours, leading Bucky to the on-suit bathroom.
You gestured for him to sit on the edge of the bathtub.
Once you pulled his sweater over his head he apologized, looking up at you. A sting ran through your heart, you never wanted to see someone like this, like you did a few years back. Broken to pieces, without a cure to piece them together. A hole inside your soul, taken away by years and years of pain and suffering. A time you would never get back.
You ran your hand through his hair, smiling weakly to reassure him that you were ok.
Once you fished a new sweater from the bottom drawer of his dresser, you pulled it over him. Bucky leaned his forehead on you stomach, holding you with his arms around your middle. You knew it was shame, that he was hiding from judgement.
“You decided to live tonight and that’s all that matters to me, Bucky.” You cradled his head, holding him close to you.
You held him that entire night, making sure he knew. You wanted him to know that you were present. And you were, until the morning sun broke through the night.
-
A week after that night you encouraged him to go out, to get in the crowd and meet new people. You were afraid he would dress himself with sweatpants for the rest of his life, so you helped him put on something more complementing to him.
He went to a local bar, without the whole Avenger entourage, he was almost invisible, blending in with the people around him.
That is when he met Jenna.
A woman out with her friends, celebrating her birthday. More enticing than you will ever be, you thought as you met her for the first time.
Bucky had thanked you, because without your encouragement he would not have met her.
Did you regret it? Yes. Did you feel guilty about it? Absolutely.
Why should your happiness be any more important than his?
They were happy.
-
It did not seem like a big deal, but Jenna was everywhere. Whichever turn you took, a room you entered, she was there. Sometimes sitting on Bucky’s lap, sometimes close to chest laying on the couch. The only room she did not invade was your own.
The guilt washed over you, Bucky could be incredibly happy with Jenna, possibly for the rest of his life. Is that not what you wanted than night he decided to stay?
You spend your days in your room, only coming out if you felt like facing the pain of your heard dying once more.
This was one of them, standing in the kitchen, preparing food you had no interest in eating, but knowing you eventually had to.
The hole in your stomach grew wider with every second of the day, but you could ignore it, you had spent your teenage years training for you to do so. This sandwich you prepared was sorely because Tony told you to, he always noticed when your body looked more fragile than it had a few days prior.
“Y/n!”
You turned to see Jenna walking towards you, her perfect curves agonizing you. “Jenna.” You gave the sandwich your full attention again.
“I just wanted to thank you, for moving Bucky to leave this tower. Without you, I would have never met him.”
There was a small part of you, a tiny voice echoing in your brain telling you to throw the sandwich away. “Sure, no problem.” You were glad she did not see your hands shaking or the food you had just made being thrown away as she turned and walked out.
You were happy for Bucky, but not Jenna.
-
The coffee you were holding in your hands cooled down quicker than you wanted to. Staring off to the distance, out to the city beyond the glass.
It had been exactly a month now since that night. Jenna was usually the one helping James through his nightmares while you stood outside the door, feeling useless in his life.
He smiles at you now when you pass each other by in the hallways, she seems to be good for him. But that awoke an ugly part of you, a monster you could not control. Jealousy took the best of you, manifesting itself in your mind.
As the clouds thickened, painting the sky a shade of grey, you felt your heart do the same. There was really no point in opening up about how you felt.
“Y/N!”
You turned your body to the one screaming: James.
He quickly walked over to you; anger written all over him. The other Avenger sitting in the common room turned their heads to your direction quickly.
“What the fuck is this about?” He stopped right in front of you, holding the screen of his phone to your face.
Still sitting, you read the article: Bucky Barnes, The Winter Soldier, Deals With Suicidal Thoughts.
Your shoulders dropped and so did your jaw. The article was disturbing, revealing James’ mental health issues with no problems of wild interpretations thrown in there. The breath you were trying to exhale got stuck in your throat. Never did you go to the public with this and he should know you did not. Where is this coming from?
“I- I don’t know what this is, James.” You stood from your seat.
“I’ve only told you about this, y/n! You’re the only one who knows about me wanting to kill myself!” You have seen him kill other people, but now he looks more dangerous than ever.
Tony came forward, requesting to know what this was all about. James showed him the article, all eyes on you. You felt interrogated, all you did that night was help him and now he’s accusing you of telling the world about it.
“James, I swear I didn’t say anything about that night!” There it was the monster fuelling your emotions. “Why would I do that If I too have once tried to do that myself, huh?”
“It doesn’t fucking matter if you tried to kill yourself! What matters is that you went to the public talking about my problems. You hear me? My problems!”
“You are delusional! You were so selfish to try and put a bullet in your head, not giving a shit about what everyone else would feel. News flash, James, you are not the only one with problems! You ride this self-pity train for way too long, oh poor you! No wonder half the world fucking hates you, you’re a psychopath who violently murdered people including Tony’s parents!”
Your blood was boiling to a point where you could feel your skin turn red, as if it were about to melt off your skin. Your mouth spitting words without your brain cooperating. James on the other hand looked like all the blood was strained out of his veins. Mouth agape, staring at you.
“You can stop playing your victim card, James. I didn’t say shit, psycho.” You stepped out of the room, making sure to hit his arm with your shoulder.
There was someone you needed to have a talk with, someone you had a feeling could have said something: Jenna.
It is not hard to find her; James’ room was the only place she could be at right now and you were right. You took your phone out and hit record.
“What the fuck, Jenna? Why would you tell the tabloids about B-James?”
“Jesus you scared me, y/n.” Jenna chuckled, sliding off the bed, naked. She threw on one of James’ sweaters and sat on the edge of the bed. “Just between you and I? Was good money, paid me like five grands for this information.”
Jenna smiled wickedly; you felt your face fall. You ran your hands over your face dramatically.
“Don’t be upset, y/n. Once this all blows over you can take over as his therapist again.”
As if nothing happened, nothing had been said, you smiled right back at her. “Thank you, Jenna.”
-
Wasting no time for Jenna to register what had happened or what your plan was, you sprinted down to your room, packing only the necessities, everything else you planned on taking later.
With the duffel bag in one hand and your phone in the other, you walked right back into the common room. Everyone turned silent as they heard you enter, all eyes on you. But you went straight to James.
“There, next time pay better attention to who you fuck.” You pressed play, sweat collection on your body. All eyes now to your phone, Jenna’s voice piercing through the air. You knew to James, it was poison.
As soon as the recording reached its end, you put your phone into the pocket of your jacked. James stared at the spot on the table where your phone laid, he wanted to speak, opening, and closing his mouth.
But you did not give him the chance, walking out of the room, down the halls. The voices calling after you are fading with every turn you took. Soon enough you were out of there, walking down the street.
-
Time passed quickly with the move into your friends’ apartment. The decision to leave the Avenger came easily and within a week, you were no longer apart of the group you called family. The people who you thought had your back.
Your friend Adam was shocked when you told him the news, taking you in until you could afford something of your own. It was strange, indeed. A home that is not the tower was new to you. There were not people just roaming the rooms, a person always to be found somewhere within the living quarters.
The workers below the living space, swarming out of the building were swapped with elders living below you.
But despite the heartbreak you endured, you were determined to take back your live and a night out in town sounded like the best idea at the time.
With sweaty people all around you, mind fuzzy from the alcohol and the outfit you wore showing just the right amount of what you have to offer. Something he apparently did not want. You needed to have a smoke, a habit you picked back up after leaving the team. With no need to stay healthy and in shape, the need to keep your breath for fighting, the cigarettes made its way back into your life.
You shuffled through the crowd to get a breath of fresh air. The music from inside still buzzing out on the street, you had no way of hearing the car pull up beside you. Just as you were to light your cigarette, a man called your name.
You turned to see Steve walking towards you, he did not look to pleased.
“Get in the car.” He said as he put his hand on your arm, pulling you towards the direction he wanted you to go. The cigarette that was between your fingers dropped to the floor as he whisked you away.
“No, I’m not coming with you.” Despite the protests, Steve managed to seat you in one of Tony’s cars. You knew what was coming from the buildings you passed along the way. Familiar skyscrapers and shops along the street, brought you back to the place you left well behind.
The car ride was strange. For a person you have known nearly three years, the silence appeared to depict the end of that friendship.
Steve parked outside the tower and you shook your head frantically.
“Y/n, you have no idea what you’ve done. Bucky has never been this broken before and you’re going to try to fix this.”
Even though you did not want to go into that building, Steve did not let you have a say in this matter.
You walked right behind him, your heels clicking on the floor. Steve lead you to James’ room and stood aside for you to enter.
Was there a small, ever so tiny part that felt the need to apologize? Yes. But doing it is always the hard part, admitting to yourself that you’ve done something terrible.
The knock was easy, but as James gave you permission to enter, your feet seemed to be made of cement, every step heavy.
The room was dark, curtains closed to amplify the darkness, to keep any and all light out. James laid on his bed, his back turned to you.
“Steve, leave me alone.”
You inched closer, your heels giving you away. As you reached the bed, he turned around to you, but you could not make out any of his features.
“I came here to apologize.” You said, quiet.
“Get out of my room. Now.” James went back to his previous position, his voice muffled by the duvet. “I hate you, y/n. I hate you.”
For a moment it was still and silent. The salty tears falling to the floor as you stared into the darkness. A feeling of nothingness overtook you, leaving you empty in every aspect imaginable. You inched away from the bed, taking one last look into the room, despite not seeing anything.
Closing the door behind you, Steve asked you what happened, but you could do nothing but shake your head. Steve pulled you into him, embracing you. The cries that left you, agonizing in your ears.
“Can you cry somewhere else?” James called from his room.
Your stomach dropped to the floor, your heart with it. You held tighter to Steve hoping to feel something.
You wanted to feel his embrace, his warmth.
But you felt,
Numb.
-
Fin!
A/N pt.2: Just as a disclaimer, what the reader says to Bucky in the case of her wanting him not to commit suicide, is personal to what I have been told in that situation. That is not me saying that those words will save everyone.
If you do have issues with any type of mental disorder, please talk about it!
Talking to a friend is the start, but talking to a professional is the goal! Stay safe and be kind.
