mentally and emotionally i am still hung on baran al-hashimi as one of my favorite portrayals of chronic illness. how she's in denial of just how much it can and will affect her work. how she has worked so hard, done all the right things, just to be able to do this work that means so much to her. and yet her body and mind still get in the way. her body is still rebelling.
the thing about chronic illness is that more often than not, you are not friends with your body. hell, i'd rarely ever describe my body as an ally to my cause (that is, uhm, living). we're reluctant coworkers, barely tolerable accomplices. to be chronically ill and disabled is to know, no matter what, there will always be things you want desperately to do and achieve that you simply cannot. you will not. those things were taken from your future when you became ill.
baran knows having two seizures in a day is far more than a minor concern. she knows it impacts not only patient safety but her own safety. her break down in her car shot through my heart because, fuck, who hasn't been there? i watch that scene and i think of myself three months ago silently sobbing in my car as i drove to work, in so much pain that i knew i probably shouldn't even be driving. i watch that scene and i think of how many nights i've spent keeled over and curled up because i kept going when i knew i should've stopped. the body really does keep the score.
the worst part about being ill is that no amount of "hard work" and determination will ever be enough to make you capable of an able bodied life. sometimes your dreams get stolen from you, and your only way forward is to figure out what aspects of those dreams are still tenable.
