#notes for therapy

[flower-morgue]

I really, really need to work on mindfulness and controlling my irrational thoughts...

[xenomorphicidiot]

theres something fundamentally broken inside of me that i can never fix and all it does is scare and upset those around me and makes me into a failure

[xenomorphicidiot]

i worry about her. i dont know how shes going to make it on her own. i worry so much.

[cotardcollateral]

Differences/Similarities if this is Real: -Similar taste in music, but I lack the same emotional connection to the songs. Still sounds good, but doesn't feel the same -Still very attached to my older brother. He's maybe the only person who I'm just as attached to as [redacted] was. Almost anyone else I could take or leave -Less patient than [redacted] was. Not willing to put up with or excuse as much. -Still afraid of being controlled/losing autonomy. I've started having nightmares about people being controlling/being restrained. -Many things feel like new experiences. Had an anxiety attack and knew what it was, but it felt new and horrible. I'm not used to it like [redacted] was. -I have less of an interest in boats. -I'm more talkative, want to be more social, kind of have more of an interest in fashion? Maybe slightly more fem leaning? -The scripts and routines are all still there. It's easy to follow them and sometimes I forget [redacted]'s not there. -I view myself differently in my minds eye and hate looking in mirrors. -I feel far more shallow than [redacted]

[aceyjujube]

me musing on the clock: something deeply disturbing with "you should buy your family more things" as a way to say you don't care as much that's so ingrained in my family

me realizing I've put my worth to people in what I can do for them since I was 'yes' years old:...oh

[shedeservesthebest]

Reading up on avoidant attachment styles and

[yther]

for some reason, I have given up every good thing in my life

[nakedanddismayed]

my mom is telling me a story:

a woman wants advice- her daughter wants to dance professionally. what is the roadmap?

my mom says she told her what she told me:

don’t do it. the odds of making it in the arts world are as low as playing sports professionally.

“do you remember when you asked me if you could major in theatre?” she asks me.

“no.”

“i told you you weren’t allowed and you took it well. you came up to me three days later and said well you majored in dance! and we laughed and laughed! … anyway.. do you ever want to get back into acting?”

i’m quiet.

“i genuinely don’t remember how to act.”

she laughs and thinks i’m being dramatic.

“it’s a skill. you have to work to stay good. i have not acted on stage or screen in 6 years.”

and i was good. i had the skillset.

most likely to win an oscar was my superlative in both high school and college.

i was on tv with people who are now in national commercials and movies.

i’m so happy with where i am so this is all for the best, of course.

but it’s crazy not to believe in your kids.

where would she be if her parents didn’t allow her to get a degree in dance?

i digress.