Dear Diary,
I realized today that I'm CONSTANTLY obsessing about my weight and my appearance. I would never tell anyone that because most people either make me feel bad because I weigh less than them or they give me the same bull shit responses like: "omg stop you're so fit !" Or "omg look at ME!"
Like....I get it, man. I have no room to complain in this society thats obsessed with body image. But its there. In my head. 24 fucking 7. And I don't know how to stop these thought that just cycle through me. I'll push in my love handles till it hurts or slap my face and chin bc I feel like they are too chunky . I'll look in the mirror and call myself the meanest fucking names because it's how I feel....yet....on the outside,I'm all about advocating for body positivity and making people who struggle with their image feel like fucking rock stars. However, I can't be honest about the way I view myself. I hate it.
In addition to this, I'm also so fucking self conscious about the way I look in terms of my masculinity. I love the fact that I'm a girl. But bc I am built so much like a dude in terms of my broad shoulders and sharp jaw line, I feel so insecure dressing like a typical female. I've always worn boy's clothes yet it bothers me so much when I go in public and people call me 'sir' or someone's child is gawking at me while asking their mom if I'm a boy or a girl. I came from endless taunting as a child over the same shit. People telling me I was in the wrong locker room, asking me if I had a penis, calling me 'it' because they 'couldn't figure out my gender.'
And I get it. Like, it's 2021 and everyone is on the 'non binary', they/them, "gender doesn't matter" bull shit. But that's not me. Unfortunately I still fucking care what people think of me. I lie about being an introvert or hating social situations because I'm just embarrassed of the ridicule or misidentification I'm certain I'll get for the rest of my sorry existence.
Oh, and Diary ? ....my last secret ? I come off to the world as this confident, attractive, masc lesbian who is athletic and 'gets all the ladies.'
....but if you had any idea what I feel underneath of all that.....💔
-M
