Okay, so, I don't really know if there's a more formal or articulate way to kick off this post, but I want to get it out of my system while all of the related thoughts are still new and fresh, so I'll just be straightforward and say that I very well may have made an extremely unexpected major self discovery today. I think. I may be a dollkin and a lovekin. Not as two separate entities but as one whole. Allow me to give a little exposition and explain.
Basically, during the school day, my English teacher announced that once my class is done reading our current book, we're going to be writing a personal anonymous letter to our classmates. It doesn't have to overly deep, but it can be. Everyone will be given the same amount of points so long as they turn something in, but no one, not even the teacher, is supposed to know who wrote what. I've decided that I want to write an informal essay type of project about what it's been like for me growing up "uncanny valley", as I'd put it, AKA as someone who has always unintentionally rubbed people the wrong way due to my being unable to conform to certain societal status quos (mainly due to my undiagnosed autism and being nonbinary, but also just my weirdness in general). I want it to be separated into multiple chunks; one about my nuerodivergency, one about my gender, and one about how hard my middle school experience was due to these things and how healing high school has been for me.
Alright, that's a strange and seemingly unrelated exposition, I know, but bear with me here because it's about to get strange. I plan to end that last chunk off with a sappy but serious message to all of classmates about how much I love them, even those of them I hardly know. I was at home (hours after class and everything) brainstorming exactly how I would want to word this letter, when suddenly, upon fixating on my ideas for the last paragraph, I was hit with this really strong unwarranted/involuntary thought: "I am a hollow wooden doll bursting from the inside with love."
It wasn't like any other unprecedented thought I'd had before; it wasn't intrusive, nor was it unintentionally funny. It didn't come from my own brain at all, it felt like it came from someone or somewhere else entirely. The second it entered my mind I suddenly felt like every joint in my body was a wooden ball joint, and like my skin was replaced with smooth sanded down wood, and like my organs and blood were replaced by this warm gelatinous sensation that could only be described as pure love; not a specific kind, not romantic or platonic or familial or anything else, just love in general. For everyone and everything. Perhaps philanthropy would be a decent way to put it?
I know that this was a phantom shift, because I've had them before. I'm an otherlinker, after about six months of being such a thing this isn't entirely new to me. But my linktype related shifts are always voluntary or semi voluntary, and they only focus on one limb or area of my body and dont typically come with any particularly strong emotional, psychological, or spiritual responses. But this was fully involuntary, and it effected me inside and out. And I've never considered linking to dolls OR the concept of love. This was something I was and quite frankly still am completely unprepared for, hence why I think its a kin thing.
I'm not 100% certain that I know where this is coming from or what it means, or why I've just been awakened to it now. My best guess is that it has something to do with the fact that with the end of junior year I'm coming up on some major changes in my life, and my soul and body and conscious mind are finally hitting a breaking point where they need to be able to able to accept a part of me that's been hidden away for so long, because if I'm right about being a nonhuman in this sense, it has to be something I've been all my life without realizing it; I know, because it's only been something I've been thinking about for a few hours, and I already feel like it explains so much.
I know, this is a lot of word vomit (granted, it will probably quicker to read than it was for me to type), I'm honestly putting it out there for me more than anything else, so that I can look back on it in the future and reevaluate it however I need to, whatever that may mean depending on what the future holds. But as long as I'm taking my time to ramble about all of this, I may as well ask that any dollkins and/or lovekins who see this post share their experiences with me, if they're comfortable. Just so I can see if there's any aspects of it that I relate to and if it will help me narrow this stuff down at all.
Shoutout to anyone who made it to the end of this long ass post. Thank you for your time 😭
