I have to be honest, and this post is going to be without my buffoonery or tomfoolery.
I am entertaining the idea of getting back into writing a bit more, because my eyes really can use a bit of rest from the long hours I spend artworking.
But , and I am not exaggerating when I tell you this, the idea literally make me paralyzed with anxiety.
Yesterday night I managed to write those 400+ words for the artwork because I felt like "the main protagonist of the post is going to be the drawing anyway, so even if I fumble, it's going to be ok".
Also, while I am just a hobbyist, I am still a seasoned artist that has been working on her skill for more than 23 years. So, in a way, I feel, if not entirely confident in my skills, at the very least competent enough to know that I can create something pleasant to look at; but even then, I have always my anxiety hanging on my back like a freaking monke that has nothing better to do but bother me.
But with writing, I just become paralyzed with what I assume is fear.
Of what, I am still figuring out.
Because I feel this specific fear and block when it comes to writing an original character with a canon character (specifically, this was caused by my resurgence for Ardyn and Luscinia).
For example, when I was brainstorming for Aranea, even if my knowledge of the setting was limited to BG3 and before I started to actually deep dive into Forgotten Realms, I felt I was going like a breeze, with no fear, no uncertitude, just the brain never stopping talking and branching out by itself (which made my work immensely easier to be honest).
With Luscinia and Ardyn (but it can be even extended to Jacob and Dorothea, if one wants to talk about OC/Canon pairing), the same doesn't happen.
There is a block, a literal wall of nothingness that prevents me from writing and entertaining myself, despite all my willingness and WANT to just dive right into it, and allowing myself to have fun, and it's HORRIBLE. It feels like a freaking bubble in my chest that doesn't leave enough space for my lungs to breathe.
And while yesterday I was too tired to actually do some self-analyses of what the reason might be, this morning, after a good dose of coffee, I think I found one possible reason.
With canon characters there are limits that sometimes cannot be crossed, lest one goes OOC with them.
They are pre-made characters, with set personalities that one must respect in order to write them, and that, I found, put a crapton of pressure over me that only fan and fuel my anxiety, and this without even considering the high standards that I set for myself EACH and EVERY time.
Also, take in consideration that when it comes to creating and imagining, the only limits I like are the one I set for myself, not the one set by others (as it had happened with Dottie and Jacob, something that has partially ruined the fun I had with them), and that do WONDERS (*sarcasm*) for my ADHD.
On top of that, add the fact that if I see someone else with even a remotely similar idea as mine, I have the tendency of not pursuing it anymore because then my inner saboteur starts doing numbers.
Sometimes I am extremely good at ignoring the voices and doubt in my head that just mock me and ridicule me and fuel my anxiety, but sometimes they are just there to stay, like unpleasant roommates that cannot keep the kitchen clean and party at all times of the night😂
All this to say that I am basically a ball of anxiety in my little corner, rocking back and forth until this too shall pass, because I want to pick up the pen again for Ardyn and Luscinia, and I am utterly terrified by the idea.
But I so want to get back on track and write. I miss that so much.
