#okay mood

[erodingsinner]

Lighthousekeeping — Jeanette Winterson.

[velvetporcelain]

here i am — wondering what it is like to have billions of dollars - do they wake up differently? Oh yes , while I don’t have billions of dollars the only thing truly left is to convince yourself you have love and a spirit. —but no one truly values that , only the middle class has that ability - i am not sure why i am thinking this today.

jealousy is an ugly trait i DO NOT wish to gain- but then again so is hatred and i am full of it. i can easily zoom out and tell you everything that i hate about the world.

i am up way to early , and it is too early for this shit.

here’s to another day being the weird, prolific, quiet but loud woman— wondering what catatonic energy i will be able to pull out of myself today— i am nothing in a world that is nothing unless you have everything— but tell me baby—- what does everything mean? what IS everything to you?

i have been thinking about finding an energy healer. i want to suck the entire world into my spiraling head. i am sick by the idolization of the world. i want nothing to do with it, i have never idolized anything but myself.

i asked my son who i looked like yesterday and he said my own name, yes my child! i look like no one- exotic and unique to the name my mother gave me- maybe to the name itself- that’s all i wanted my entire life— i am incomparable in a world of comparison.

today i will let it all go from my shoulders. i am better than this weight— i am obese with thought. no matter how many times i try not to think of him - i do, but it will pass, it will fade.

-x

[velvetporcelain]

hi.

i would like to cry now. sometimes i think i suffer purposely in order to feel loved. why is it so hard to define love? i feel like i am on the path to nowhere. i am stuck inside my head and I just keep walking into walls. i am quiet and mute— my answers are dry and loose ended. — i don’t even know what i need— a live band? a night out around people? to feel alive via pain? to feel alive via pleasure? — am i hard to please? am i difficult? have i not enough life experiences to help me navigate?

i want to scream in distress so my lover can hear me.

-x

[velvetporcelain]

oof. —- today I miss you— but I don’t know who you are anymore— you have changed as if you were lying to me the entire time.

well you haven’t even seen or experienced a fraction of me— i admittedly had only gave you ten percent of me.

today I miss you like a bad habit. reminding myself that all you bring now is painful memories-

-x

[velvetporcelain]

hello my beautiful angel baby — have you been nice to yourself? -massaging your psyche? -sticking two fingers in between the folds of your membrane? — eye fucking insanity? —- blasting music day dreaming dancing?

— well— i have —- it’s been i don’t give a fuck days since I left— and all I can think about is you— and how you don’t give a fuck either and that’s comforting- no it’s empowering, motivating, invigorating.

you underdeveloped fuck ass excuse of a male.

-x

[velvetporcelain]

day three, friday october forth, three am

cannot sleep. i think i have been up since 12:20am. — the morning sun will greet me with respect- I don’t think my father is coming down anymore, he hurt his shoulder and well i told you the only thing real is disappointment, but I don’t resent him- my fox body will have to wait to run again. heartbreaking. — i was having trouble last night with feeling like a victim. sometimes my needs and wants go unnoticed by the ones closest to me, i had to keep telling myself that i am a grown woman, no one is responsible for me but me- but why is it so cringe to tell someone what you need? acts of service are not difficult!! - ah it makes me want to retract my love, it makes me want to stay still and silent and most of all mean. but that was the past- here I am laying in bed thinking how much I love that I have disappeared from the media world— only having you my beautiful, beloved void - I will set myself for success today- maybe get my nails done today, buy myself a brown sugar coffee - listen to the music all the way up !!! Ahh my favorite- I really know how to love myself- I feel such a weight lifted from me- a clear path to manifestation! i can’t stop thinking about myself on a Harley - one day, with beautiful hair to my ass —- it’s coming, I can feel it! It gets me so excited, I need to start pumping my heart again- I succumbed to an old version of myself the past few weeks- and you know it’s all because HE came back. Pain teaches you a lot !!!!!!!!! I want nothing to do with him, I want nothing to do with the limited knowledge he brings.—— anyways I found two new anime shows that peaked my interest, I can’t wait to watch them with my eyes and mind wide open—-i refuse to allow myself to fall into a victim mindset like the rest of this sick sad world- I am intelligent, intellectual, articulate, and most of all I am fucking free from the burden of media!!!!!!!!!! What a time to be alive, what a time to feel human! What a time to live like you have never existed———- I have had social media since — hmm 2009? —- started instagram in 2013— it’s been a wild ride, but now it bores me—- “fragile men praying on the weak and lost” —- yes very fucking boring. — 🥱- I am indeed surrounded by truth, beauty and love and I fucking hate when I forget that shit. —- now it’s time to drain the fucking parasite from my brain—- cleansing commencing and I am ready!! —— there will be obstacles but I have a beautiful soul to help me overcome them— I am confident in my ability to quit anything cold turkey. Gosh, this is going to be beautiful, cannot wait to see myself again.

I now lay the old me down in peace. prosperity showers me with love, ecstasy, jubilation and gratification. nothing can take it from me!!! divine feminine angel baby energy.

so it be.

-x

[velvetporcelain]

grand rising my beautiful void- thought lover undercover

it’s just us

i want nothing to do with anything else but you- you look directly into my eyes without wanting anything from me, you don’t wince in dismay, you don’t care how intense the feminine rage — and the one thing about you is that you don’t talk back to me- you just nod your head and show me myself like a magic mirror- i always did feel like belle - never a princess, but a neglected woman held captive but indirectly feeling she has purpose, gratification, ecstasy, love and jubilation. loving the beast back into his true form.

it’s been five days since interaction, not sure why i keep making up all these mean reasons why you don’t want to talk to me, it’s simple accessibility and you seem to make it difficult, but no matter i am used to being disappointed by men in general just didn’t realize how much it would hurt when i realized how much i gave away and still ended up no higher than i was at the beginning- for this i hate you, for this I blame you for knowingly setting me up for failure, you dug deeper inside of me to realize that you weren’t enough man for me, telling me i am difficult- oof, wrong word choice mon coeur, you just made me ten times larger, forcing me to step on you like a titan.

today i will try to refocus on dating myself, there is no way i can disappoint myself, and my heart is bitter so it’s best i say nothing- you should be grateful i bit my tongue and swallow the blood, you should be grateful that i don’t degrade you to the bone- you still disgust me, you still deserve nothing.

i have lost faith in all of you. i have lost faith in men. they have lost sight of their true nature. they have disconnected from what makes life possible. i do not want to be saved by something so trivial, so incompetent— no wonder women turn feminist, they have been betrayed by the lesser species, they have diluted themselves so much so that they have become equal to the lower leveled thinking animals- and the only way they think to gain their power back is fighting for women against men due to guilt, a guilt forcibly birthed by lowering themselves to the degree of unatural equality, when men and women weren’t equal to begin with, a guilt for not knowing better, a guilt for forgetting their power, a guilt that recognizes a mutilated body covered in wounds.

i no longer wish to participate. it is me, my clothes, my books, my existence against no one. i don’t need to compete because I am already at the top, i no longer let the animalistic nature of mankind get in the way of my intellectual capacity. i no longer view anything as evil, just limited beings that limit them to unpalatable behavior and desires- considering that they simply cannot do better due to their current level of understanding and awareness—

the higher I move up in consciousness, the less fault I find in others.

so it be. i love you.

-x

[velvetporcelain]

raining today. i like to think the earth is crying, crying for me— the outside finally matches my inside and I am comforted by this.

misery loves company but so does gratification, ecstasy, love and jubilation— why associate company it with anything less— you’re just in the wrong company

i am in company with vitality and I want to share it with the world but I also want it all to myself— the miserable hide from me - good- i learn from the misery- misery is my muse- source of my creativity-

i am a limitless being creating from a limitless source.

-x