grand rising my love — what a gift to rise again - even though my thoughts haven’t had any real sustainability i don’t really feel sad- I don’t really feel anything. maybe I have been too harsh— but maybe I haven’t- maybe I just simply do enjoy being alive and that is all it takes for me to feel fulfilled- I don’t need to be defined by anything else— life is the defining factor- it why I don’t mind mediocrity, why I don’t want “more” for myself— i do not collapse under social pressure, in fact, i thrive off interaction more than anything. how could one say i am harsh on myself by the job i choose? brainwashed to think we need more more more — it disgusts me in a way that makes isolation more rewarding- we weren’t made to work—- we were made to create and maintain and grow— maybe society has lost its way— but not me, i move against the grain, fitting into the little loopholes of society, enjoying my essence, my vitality, my visions — yes, of course this is a major privilege- but isn’t that odd? maybe i have had too much time in the abyss of things and it has consumed me- maybe i am still making my way to the surface of things— maybe we are born at the top and we drown ourselves in the depths of darkness without ever knowing the reason why- suddenly we just wake up there and feel it all at once- over and over and over again.
i will admit he brings me nothing but pain and disappointment, i no longer think that is because of my own expectations, but because of my own experiences- i know what he is capable of and he holds it from me — dangling it in front of me- why come back to me? i still don’t know what you want from me and maybe i never will— i am tired of playing mind games, maybe he thought i wasn’t real, maybe he thought he wasn’t real— in any case, i am numb, i hope to god i keep the strength to keep him outside of my body, my psyche — the only love that is left remains in my memories and it doesn’t hurt so much when they are flashed forward- they are savored and admired- just as dreams- and suddenly i am back to the entity i was before i knew him, but never the same and that’s okay because either way the absolute is change—- so maybe he saved me. i like who i am when i pull myself from the void- it no longer feels like i am walking down a hallway of lost and irrelevant souls— energy is a tricky thing and i am still learning the truth, the world—- I will try to continue to embrace change in order to consciously cultivate a new world, a world within a world— society is a tool- choose wisely, create wisely.
-x