Ok so the saga with my old PC continues and is only fueling my desire to get back into fanfiction lol because I found all of the files from my attempt at making a legend of spyro fan-game! I honestly thought they were lost, I'm so excited to see all this stuff again! This was the "logo" for the game (I know its nearly unreadable lol, so it says "The Legend of Cynder, Shadows of The Past". 14/15 year old me didn't seem to care much for readability, I think I'd just discovered photoshop's layer effects lol)
Here's a bunch of random stuff I found.
I'm defiantly going to do a redraw of that last one at some point. That was like, THE thing I remember being super proud of when I first did it. I think it was going to be part of the trailer my now-partner was putting together for the game lol.
Actually, a lot of these were actually just frames from animations, but either the files are either just corrupted, or high school me didn't know how to set fps and resolution properly in the output so I got a headache trying to watch them lol. It's probably the second one honestly. Also I remember my old laptop wasn't able to play back the animation because it would lag so much, so I just had to kind of...guess at timing, and that went about as well as you'd expect. It didn't help that blender used to have this bug where your audio would move around your timeline so it really was just random guessing. I'm amazed anything got done at all, let alone how far we actually got (that is to say, not far at all but we had something playable at least).
I also found the demo files and footage of the "game" running (running at 12fps but running)! I'm curious if they still work, I'll have to download an older version of blender to test them out!
There's actually a lot more but actually finding it is proving to be quite a challenge since this laptop seems to be the digital equivalent of an ADHD "doom box" - meaning nothing is sorted into folders that make even a remote lick of sense to me, it's all just kind of thrown in together lmao.
I wanted to post these though because even though I don't really do 3D stuff anymore, It still made me really happy to see how much progress I've made over the years and how far I've come. Also a few folks who worked on this project with me back on Deviantart have started finding me lol, so in case there's anyone else out there, hello! I'm not dead, I'm still around, I'm just a lot more (openly) queer now lmao.
Image descriptions:
[ID 1: A game title that reads "The Legend of Cynder, Shadows of the Past". The two lines, "the legend of" and "shadows of the past" are written in dark purple text. The purple material is supposed to look like liquid, but instead just looks hard to read. "Cynder" is writen in black, 3D text with red outlines, with the exception of the C. The "c" is modeled as a black tube instead of in a blocky style like the rest of the letters. The inside of the C has a red underbelly, and the bottom of the C ends in a tail, resembling Cynder's from the Legend of Spyro Series. There are 3 white spikes at the top of the C. /end ID]
[ID 2: a 3d render of 4 dragons around a christmas tree. A black dragon at the front, Cynder, is using her tail to hang tinsel, a pruple dragon, Spyro, on the left is reaching up into the branches of the tree. A blue dragon, Ignitus, is hovering behind the tree, his paws outstretched, implying he is placing the glowing star at the top. On his head is a silver dragon, Zerali, balancing on his horns. behind them is a series of floating islands. /End ID]
[ID 3: A render of Cynder with a darker colour pallet than the previous image and glowing yellow eyes, snarling at the camera, guarding a black gem. The sky in the background is blood red and the terrain is flat and barren. /End ID]
[ID 4: A render of an incomplete model of Terrador, a green dragon with brown horns and rocky shoulder decorations. He has no underbelly or wings. /end ID]
[ID 5: A render of a fan character named ekkosel, a blue, anthropomorphic dragonfly with an unsettling, uncanny face and green wings, T-posing. Her green wings are a blur /End ID]
[ID 6: two sketches of a anthropomorphic cheetah heads. One has long ears like a lynx and is labeled DotD design, the other has small, rounded ears like a cheetah usually has, labled TLoC design. /end ID]
[ID 7: A render of Zerali, the silver dragon from the second image, and ekkosel, from the 5th, playing together. In this image, we can see Zerali has a pinky-purple underbelly and shiny gold horns.]
[ID 8: A rendered scene showing a close up of blue ignitus with his eyes closed. He appears to be talking to Cynder, who is in the background, but blurry. The game's logo is visible in the bottom left of the image. /end ID]
A sad story about a sad man living a sad life (I was 12 when I wrote this)
Dramatis Personae:
Kaito - main character, sopping wet cat of a man
Chang - his older brother that basically raised him
Kata - Kaito's crush and on and off (and on and off and on and off and so on) girlfriend
Mikku - Kata's younger but wiser sister
John - the American character
Yume - Chang's (eventual) gf
Fuyu - Kaito's eventual son
Trigger warning!!!! Chapter 4 contains an offhand remark about suicidal ideation and chapter 7 contains an actual suicide attempt!!!
Chapter 1 - Stay with me...
10yo Chang and 5yo Kaito become orphans when their parents die in a car crash. Chang feels guilty for previously saying that he wishes the parents would lose their jobs cause he hated that they were absent all the time and suddenly they learn of the car crash on the news. They get adopted by their neighbours but in the meantime (a few days) they stay home alone just the two of them. The dynamic is established that Chang the older brother is basically his father figure. Kaito is described as having some ambiguous mental issue [most probably autism cause that's the one I would've been nebulously aware of at that age].
Chapter 2 - The misunderstood genius
6 years later, the now 11yo Kaito excels in school and he (and others and the narrator, basically) doubt his diagnosis because of this, but he IS described as having trouble concentrating. He is particularly good at math but he is also an artist. The neighbour who adopted them, Mr Hayashi, is coincidentally also their math teacher at school.
Kaito unfortunately gets bullied at school and called stupid and whatnot due to his diagnosis but his haters are seething because he does get good grades. Kaito makes a wish that he can meet the kids from the other school next door and be treated well "at least for one summer".
Sure enough he meets Kata and Mikku, two sisters. Mikku is around his age and Kata is about 3 years older. Kata is walking with crutches because she broke her legs in some sort of accident (jumping from one roof to another in her neighbourhood, and she falls). We learn that this will prove to be a lifelong disability.
Chapter 3 - A wish accidentally made true
The bullies sneak out to pull pranks on Kaito, cause if the math teacher saw, they would get in trouble. Kaito taunts them about this and they proceed to beat him up. They violently shove him to the ground and his glasses break, and he falls face first onto the cement. It turns out he had cut his lip and lost some teeth. He ends up in the cabinet of the school next door and meets the girls again which makes him very happy. He keeps in touch with them and talks to them through the school fence during breaks etc. He describes this period in which he befriended them as the "happiest time of his life".
The accident leaves him with a scar on his lip and a lisp or some sort of speech impediment.
Chapter 4 - A white and fluffy miracle
It finally snows and this surprises everybody because apparently the climate is too hot for that. The two schools have a massive snow fight and it's all fun and games till Kaito gets hit and falls again. He catches a particularly bad cold. Kaito is described as always having been so frail and any time he'd catch a common cold or whatever, it "seemed as if it was more than that, a worse disease". He gets banned from playing in the snow and he's sad because winter is his favourite season.
Chang feels extremely protective of his little brother. He ponders about how he thinks his parents never took enough care of them, and he himself feels like he better understands what childcare feels like.
The teacher is fired and has to move to a different city. The boys have the choice to come with him or stay in this city. Chang is 18 and can be a legal guardian to his (now 13 yo) brother. The boys decide to stay because they don't want to part from their friends. Kaito sadly ponders on how he can't have all his loved ones together at the same time.
On Kaito's 15th birthday, Chang gives him his sentimental value green scarf.
Kaito is frustrated at his brother being overprotective. He ponders on how sad his life has been so far and doubts it will get better in the future, and his bullies keep picking on him, going as far as to tell him they can't wait to attend his funeral.
In the meantime, Kaito realises that he has a crush on Kata, the older sister, and feels embarrassed when the classmates figure that out too. He dreads graduation because it means parting from her. She and her sister have been Kaito and Chang's best friends throughout these years.
During senior year, Kaito finally punches out his bully, in hopes of impressing his crush, but he gets stood up. They do however manage to have a nice shoujo anime walk through the cherry blossoms, but he again gets friendzoned. Kata and Mikku eventually have to move to another city, and Kaito has a tearful goodbye scene at the train station.
He ponders upon his situation quite desperately, thinking that everybody in his life leaves him, and he only has Chang left. He forces himself not to think of these things lest he "cry in public" but he also thinks he would "step in front of the train, if he could" [yikes! And it's such an offhand comment too].
He has a weird dream about a glass world - this will become a recurring dream throughout his life and he will document it in his diary.
Chapter 5 - Learning to read scribbles
He is now 20yo and "just as depressed". He hasn't had a lot of luck finding a job as an architect or programmer [at 20? Shouldn't he still be in college at this age?!]. He's nowhere near as upset at being rejected by jobs as much as he is by being rejected by People. He is frustrated that everybody finds him weird yet his brother tells him that he's healthy (ie has no mental disorder such as the one he was "wrongly" diagnosed with as a kid).
In the meantime Mikku meets John, an American Christian missionary and they get married.
There's this misunderstanding where Kaito is convinced Kata was purposefully avoiding him but she was actually seeking him out because they hadn't seen each other in about 3 years.
Chapter 6 - Not everybody has a happy ending
Mikku and John just so happen to hang out in the specific part of the park (?) that Kaito usually spend his time in solitude, and being the inadvertent 3rd wheel to this couple made him feel even lonelier. He goes home and cries himself to sleep ruminating on basically all the bad stuff in his life up to this point. He beats himself up for being a coward and immature and so on, and feels like a burden to his older brother (all the while being frustrated at being treated like a kid).
Unfortunately he's always had the habit of bottling things up and he suffers alone as all his loved ones "abandoned him" and his brother "doesn't even know anything about it".
Chapter 7 - It can never hurt as much as it does now
His brother moves abroad for a better job. Kaito spends his birthday all alone. He ruminates on his overwhelming loneliness and thinks his friends don't care about him anymore, all the while his friends were actually looking for him, but found the old apartment empty and dusty.
Trigger warning again - suicide attempt
He climbs on the roof of the apartment building and stands very near the ledge and contemplates a lot of stuff. "The wonderful view could've made him happier, if his thoughts weren't elsewhere". Kata is frantically searching for him and asking around about a "man in a gray coat" and his neighbour even acknowledges that he was going to jump "Ah what a troubled man" [dude?! And you didn't call the emergency number or anything? You just stood there judgementally?!!].
Kata shouts his name and talks him off the ledge (technically all she does is remind him they were friends as kids). She pulls him back and they fall back on the roof, unharmed. He's surprised but happy that she actually missed him and cared about him.
Chapter 8 - The world as seen through glass
Kaito ponders the invisible wall between him and the rest of the world, likening it to a distorted glass lense that he's carrying about him.
Kata wants to go on this weirdly dangerous hiking trip and Kaito follows her despite his hesitation, because he wants to spend more time with her.
Chapter 9 - Old friends get to know each other
Kaito shows her his secret place (a bench under a solitary cherry tree), where he keeps his art supplies and draws etc. And she takes him to a place she considers her own, too (a bridge, and the city lights reflect into the water).
Chapter 10 - The reflection in the transparent mirror
They start their adventure (hiking trip?) and reach a place called the victory cliff which apparently has historical significance.
Kaito draws and Kata is surprised that he's an artist, given that he was the math kid back in the day [ok???].
Chapter 11 - The dangerous stop at the thieves' market
They go to this bazaar and they restock, then set up camp at night. Kata gets stabbed by the thieves. She gets treated for her wounds and they both cry cause of worry for the other (also anime like banter in the sense of accusing the other of not being careful enough etc). He keeps having the same dream about the glass world, him being separated from her by a huge glass wall etc. Also for some reason he was sleeping outside??
Chapter 12 - Under the cherry blossoms
Kaito has another internal monologue in which he remarks that his previous problems were mostly replaced by worries about her, and it can only mean that he loves her.
He is again reckless about his health for no reason and he stays outside too much despite being sensitive to the cold.
Spring comes, he gifts her a portrait and a blue bracelet. They lie on the grass and laugh together etc (and he says laughing is tiring, implying he basically never laughed before).
Chapter 13 - Anything for you
They start scaling the mountain. Kata gets tired easily because of her legs. She has an explanation as to why she embarked on this journey, which basically boiled down to earning a family heirloom from their hermit grandpa. It is actually acknowledged that the journey is dangerous to Kata due to her condition. Kaito carries her in his arms for a while but he himself gets tired and catches a cold.
She cries because she fears they'll never make it to the top and he promises he will get her there no matter what.
Chapter 14 - So close...
They're both weak and she faints and he panics that oh no now he really will lose everybody dear to him etc etc. He wraps his coat around her and thus remains under dressed. He faints too.
Chapter 15 - A great joy or a great burden?
They both get medical help and do meet her grandpa after all. Kaito gets pneumonia or something like that.
Chang returns home which is a very happy occasion for Kaito.
Kata doesn't escape unscathed from the hiking trip and her leg pains worsen and worsen. At some point when she's on a walk with him she falls off her feet and eventually gets a wheelchair because walking has become hard for her. She's very upset by this development. Kaito blames himself and apologises to her for going on that trip. And she's vaguely mad at him too
Chapter 16 - What is happening?!
Kaito proposes on her and she gets taken aback and says no, and he kinda panics and is all like oh I'll do anything and she's like "we will be a burden to each other, it's better to just stay friends", in a weirdly malicious tone. The flowers in his hands dramatically fall to the ground...
Kata bitterly regrets her words. Chang "comforts" Kaito by being extremely misanthropic.
Kaito, canonically, wears his gray coat even during the "suffocating" summer heat (presumably for the drip?? Lmao). One day it rains a lot but he experiences childlike wonder about it. They both see each other from a distance and greet each other, so this signals that they will reconcile.
Chapter 17 - The glass wall has broken
Kaito dreams about the glass world again and writes in his diary about it.
One day Kaito picks up roses, bare handed, and brings the bouquet to Kata and apologises and the whole scene is extremely dramatic the way his hands drip blood and whatnot. "Kata, I've loved you since I was in 10th grade!!!" "Really?" [Girl. He proposed to you like a week ago. Lmao]. And she basically tells him she now loves him too, since the whole saving her life on the mountain episode.
Mikku and John have a tender moment as he wishes her happy birthday.
Chapter 18 - The two families
We get a backstory on the whole hermit grandpa thing (he got into a fight with the parents, and only ever allowed the granddaughters to visit him).
Chapter 19 - The mountain and the two cities
Kaito visits the hometown of the girls, and meets their neighbour, a young girl who complains that Kata no longer wants to play with her.
The grandpa tells the legend behind the family heirloom.
Chapter 20 - When I met a rainbow
Kaito and Kata have a beach date except he's having a bad cold again and avoids speaking out loud but instead writes in the sand and he proposes, again, and this time gets accepted.
He almost faints cause he has a fever and has a flashback in which he refused to wear his glasses for so long that he "almost went blind" so he basically comes to the conclusion that he's always been this stubborn.
He goes to her place because her sister is a doctor and knows a treatment but he sleeps 17 hours straight.
Some weeks later they visit his adoptive parents in that other city and the visit goes well. The father tells them of his POV about the day the car accident that killed their parents etc. He was in the bus and survived a crash too etc. Chang and Kaito bond over memories of their birth parents etc. Chang apologies for having been too bossy and overprotective of him. Chang thinks to himself that he acted the way he did because he knew Kaito was very sensitive and he was just trying to protect him from heartbreak.
Chapter 21 - A veil and a bracelet
Kaito meets that girl, Sai Rin, again, and she is revealed to have been in a car accident but survived, and Kata had been convinced that she died (and thus assumed she was a walking ghost???).
In another scene Chang apologises to Mikku for having been bitter about getting his crush rejected back in the day etc etc. But he wants to know one more thing: whether his brother is "crazy" ie mentally ill/ neurodivergent. And she's basically like nah he's normal just very childish, "much like you". "Are you in doubt about yourself, too?". Which I can only take as, both brothers are canonically autistic and in the deepest denial ever, for whatever reason.
Kaito and Kata get married. Grandpa shows up, making an anime like dramatic entrance.
On another occasion, Chang meets a girl named Yume.
Chapter 22 - Like in the beginning
Kaito goes through an anime chase scene to retrieve a dress of Kata's that flew off the clothesline. She's unimpressed.
Chang snoops on Kaito's stuff and reads his entire diary. He is very surprised at how much he bottled inside and pretended it was all fine and how much more affected he was by some relatively small things. He also learns for example that Kaito was naturally left handed but forced at school to write with his right. Many previous scenes are recounted, and Chang is frustrated to see Kaito defending Kata, who is, in his opinion, a toxic partner. Lastly, the shocking news hits Chang: in Kaito's last diary entry he says he has been diagnosed with a heart disease, which "doesn't surprise" him.
2 years pass from the wedding. Kata is expecting. There is basically a montage of all the stuff he does to help her etc. At some point he ponders what would happen if he went blind and feels useless, but she wasn't listening to him cause she was asleep. The montage basically contrasts him being more and more involved and her being more and more distant.
Kaito vists his birth parents' grave and thinks about his childhood. He's frustrated that Chang resented them for their shortcomings, whereas they were just trying their best. Kaito remembers how his mother cried at night because people would call her children "abnormal". He also remembers that she was sickly like him.
It's winter and Kata gives birth to a baby boy, Fuyu.
Chapter 23 - A winter painting behind a broken glass
Fuyu is left handed and the naturally left handed Kaito gladly teaches him to draw.
On another occasion, Kata herself ponders upon how she tends to avoid thinking about death and gets distant from her loved ones if she fears she might lose them. She began thinking about this more consciously because she learned her grandpa is dying and also learned of Kaito's illness. She also notices Fuyu is quite sickly too.
On a random day Chang and Yume go skydiving.
Chang comes home and Kaito is alone. Kata had gone to her sister's home. Fuyu was sleeping so Kaito was making Chang whisper. Chang was indignant that she'd leave Kaito when he's at his weakest. Despite feeling extremely sick, Kaito takes Fuyu for a walk after having taken a nap.
Somewhere along their walk they meet the old school bullies, who are now, largely, responsible adults. They apologise to Kaito.
Later on, Kata takes Fuyu with her. They stay separated for a few days until it's Kaito's birthday and the atmosphere is tense and awkward. Kaito faints and falls on the floor. Fuyu stays with Chang and Kata visits Kaito in the hospital. Classic misunderstanding in which she says "how can anybody love somebody after all the hurt they caused" she meant herself and he assumes it's about him.
Chapter 24 - Window without a frame
Chang scolds Kata about her treatment of Kaito, citing the diary as proof. He straight up tells her "you ruined his life". She bursts into tears and says she never intended to harm him but was afraid of losing him and facing loss etc etc.
Kaito is sent back home. At night he dreams the finale of that glass world dream. After numerous attempts to break the glass wall, he runs straight into it and reaches the other side. He is injured and bleeding and she bandages him, crying because she was the one who unjustly put up the wall to begin with. I think both of them had this dream that night.
They wake up and she apologises fir everything. They reconcile.
Epilogue about how the other characters fared. Over the years, Fuyu developed an interest in music. He dedicated the songs to his father, Kaito, who eventually did succumb to his heart disease.
SAFETY OFF is a 10 page collaborative zine made by sokolyat and myself exploring the eroticism of firearms. Printed with help from Dead Dove Publishing, it has a letterpressed cover with black and white interior gray paper and illustrations from both artists.
First edition was printed February 2021 when we both were going a little stir-crazy from the lockdowns and limited to 50 numbered copies - alas, it's long been since sold out. Another one of those collaborations I treasure. :)
Perhaps I should get back into updating fan fiction which I haven't done in a long time with lack of motivation. I am going to continue Evolution but I feel both this fic and Hot Zone need a rewrite.
I'm going to delay my ongoing projects till Friday, then I start to write and share my works again.
Thank you for understanding and also, I'm grateful for all of you, who read my writings. I know I'm far from being a good writer, but thankfully I have time to develop my style and my English as well. I have so much to learn and I like it. Learning is fun.
The reason for the delay is simple: I burnt out, and I needed a break. I kinda felt it coming but instead of solving my problems I just swallowed and hoped for the best or sometimes I complained on tumblr.
So luckily we were able to book a last minute holiday. Hopefully I'd return with fresh excitement and inspiration.
