#online thoughts

[kiikiiwiii]

Is having a blog the female equivalent of having a Discord server or am I reaching

[madeofvenus]

Trauma isn’t just the bad things that happened, It’s also the good things that never happened.

I had an empty childhood. I always feel like there’s someone trapped inside of me, trying to claw itself out of me when I stare or think about the things that I never got to have or keep.

I can’t think of summer vacations, just three months staying trapped inside a home. And I’ll never be able to tell people about fun vacations as a kid— cause they never happened. I can only think of my bicycle that I rode every morning and afternoon, riding around the whole neighborhood. I think a bicycle gave me more company and loyalty than anybody when I was a kid. The neighborhood had a public park, even then, the playground is a restrictive area. A place where I went alone, and is a place that I cannot face today. Swing sets creak so ugly, and slide squeak against friction that causes me to flinch at times. I remember begging my mom whenever she was free to come with me, her response was always deflating. And when I’d ask my siblings, they’d only tease me to go find friends of my own. All I ever wanted was someone to watch me ride my bike, join me on the playground and walk around the creak that was hidden just behind the park. But I was always alone. loneliness. The only feeling I know best. I know exactly how it feels when it settles, but it creeps differently everytime.

I’ve lost more than just happy memories and people who I wanted to stay. I lost a childhood, innocence. I lost hope and expectations. I dehydrated into something unloving, and became dry as the soil beneath the earth.

all my life I’ve felt so small and useless, lonely and tired. Yeah, I’m tired. I want to rest. I want to go away finally, and just be alone for eternity cause for some reason I just think that’s my purpose. Never the less, I want to build myself into a strong person. But I always return to building guilt and shame in myself.

Thank you, to anyone who ever listened. Thank you for reading my apologetic and embarrassing life stories. Thank you for hearing me when no one else will. I’m thankful really .

october 2, 2021

[madeofvenus]

If I’m ever able to end with my life with one self quote, I would tell everyone “I should’ve been gone a long time ago”.

And its true. I should’ve been a ghost roaming the earth way long ago, I should be an empty shell by now, a body that holds nothing anymore. But I lived, and I made it pretty damn far if you ask me. To still even be able to type this says how far life has promised me. I know I’ve muttered to myself when life gets challenging that I should be dead, or I unfortunately wish death upon myself. But how fortunate of me to even have a little bit more time than the people who would never beg for their life to be taken away. Am I living for them, the misfortunate ones who lingered and lusted for life more than I ever could’ve. Am I taking advantage of the life I have right now ? I know I’m selfish at times, treating my body like a slave. Hardly feeding myself or giving myself a round of applause for the days I give myself strength to even get out of bed. I should be dead as I speak, but I’m here. I’m here expressing my own terror to myself and trying to untangle myself to witness the day I can be free.

[madeofvenus]

i won’t apologize for subsiding my feelings only to put yours on a pedestal, that would be hidden manipulation.

I’ve allowed many past events get the best of me and what have I done every single time something happens against me? blame myself.

I blame my personality, my attitude, my blunt feelings. I blame the way I tell how I’m feeling truthfully even if it sounds harsh. I blame my past and blame everything about myself. I’ve allowed my kindness to come off too easily that I become super vindictive once I feel like I don’t get back what I’ve given. I mean, how could I possible continue being that way when all it’s ever done was have someone think they can overpower me. One thing they forgot, I’ve been through this before and I’m quit numb to it now.

sometimes I blamed myself for people walking out of my life— blaming my traits and habits, that maybe I was the one who did everything wrong for the person who left to do what they did. but no more— you’re choices are made in your own hands and don’t gaslight me and use who I am as a person to defend your own reasonings and thoughts that are only harming Y O U !

Just because I show my strength’s visibly, don’t try to use my weakness to bring me down. you could’ve made all these choices long ago, but choose to do it when it’s a vulnerable time and that is such a manipulative thing to do.

I will no longer seek the people who push me away, I’ve done it enough and I’m tired. I want to seek out for the people who truly keep it real with me and don’t hold back in front of me cause of my “blunt” feelings. i want to blame myself for my previous friendship sinking, but this one has nothing to do with me and it’s not my fight anymore. It stopped being something worth fighting for once I was addressed as so many cruel names and basically shown my feelings on my side of the story had no validation. If you expect someone to hear your thoughts, listen to theirs. definitely not fighting for a relationship to stand if the other can’t even listen to your side and only wants you to reason with theirs.

feb diary, 2022

[madeofvenus]

why can’t people stop asking young girls when are they going to have babies and get married??

What if I don’t want to? Maybe even both— they both sound like hell to me quit honestly.

There’s so many stigmas to having a baby. Whether you’re a single mother, or having kids without being married, or being married but not having kids. It’s all a system that tends to turn the fault to women— judging them over and over again. And it’s so sad that women do it to other women as well, out of all the possibilities of finding someone who’d understand your body, you would expect a women to come and support you. But most times, they all side of idealism and tradition when it comes to a women only being born to: raise kids and slave over a man to show obedience.

I won’t do it, fuck that and fuck people who think like that. Coming from a Hispanic family all I’ve ever been taught was to clean, cook, and listen to men. Doing all but one— I get dragged for literally everything. I have no regrets for not wanting to get pregnant young and getting married. I’m so happy being alone and going to school. I’m happy and graceful to be alone and to have simplicity in doing things in my own routine and not in the routine of what my traditional family had guided out for me.

[madeofvenus]

I’m going to Brownsville tomorrow— Brownsville is like a second home to me. I was raised there and have always found it settling even though it’s not the freshest fruit in the basket. Anyways, it’s my grandma’s 80th birthday party and I’m honestly so excited to see her. She’s been sick for two years and recently she got a surgery and from what I’ve seen, it helped her out a lot. Gave her lots of strength during times she was at her weakest.

As much as I am thrilled to see her, I’m quite honestly nervous to see faces of my family. Over a few years, I’ve recognized the faces underneath the masks many of my family members have been wearing. They’re disguises don’t fool me anymore— and I look at each person and I swear, I feel terrified and nauseous. Cousins I used to love and picture being inseparable with, are now humans I don’t ever want to be with alone in a room.

They don’t bring comfort or laughter like before, many of my smiles and laughs happen to be plastic and shiny. As fake as theirs. I miss being a child and seeing all these people like they were the best people I could ever be given. I always felt lucky as a little girl to be in such a huge Hispanic family. Especially a traditional one. But how can I escape a family so judgmental, so lustful over money rather than genuinely loving each other. If they could throw in their own mother’s or kids in a pit of fire to win the lottery— they’d do it in a heartbeat.

I miss having a sight so pure, a heart so ignorant and oblivious. It’s a curse growing up, as much as it a blessing. I hope everything goes well at the party, and that no one makes me feel taunted to leave. I want to enjoy this party for my grandma, I love her and who knows if this could be the last time we all as a family get to be there for her special day of the year.

july 20, 2022

[madeofvenus]

this really isn’t a poem hehe