black. everything is black and white to me these days. colorless and dull. there’s no depth nor is there any sort of distance that makes a reach too close or too far.
there’s no pigmentation to the things I want, just a little touch leaves a stain of uncertainty. Life has no spark nor any touch of light. everything is absolutely lonesome.
I feel locked inside my head, my heart hammering silently as the beat accelerates in a pace so ferociously. The pattern it thumps in is reckless and uncoordinated. it makes me feel more disoriented every passing day. you see one day feels so good and ideal— I would almost think I’m headed to a quintessential life. But the next day quickly comes in a manner so startling. it makes the efforts of yesterday feel worthless. It makes me lose more and more hope that I’ll never be able to escape this continuous cycle.
everything I’ve wanted to say can never be release cause I’m so stuck in my head.
and everything I’ve wanted to be I couldn’t be cause I let people get in my head.
you see I don’t know how to fix myself nor others, and I can’t try to fix anything when I’m tiptoeing between the thoughts and words scattered around in my head. one day I feel completely heartless and broken— careless about the world around me and how it revolves with people around me who go through the same or even worse shit as me. then some days I see everyone and just want to hug them and be surrounded by them— like a complete empathetic and outgoing person. maybe that’s why I have an identity issue.
I hear the things people say at my job, and I’ve come so good at reading faces that I know what they mean. Cause I’m an observer. I watch the things people do and say, the little habits and little voices they mutter under their breath. i notice it all. and that makes me so much more of a coward honestly. It’s why I stay stuck inside, it’s why I don’t gather with these people as if they are my best friends. They could never be.
part of me judges them on my own, but I don’t judge their whole life or choices. I usually tend to judge they treat others. at my job a lot of people will be very sincere and close with one person for a split second— trying to get to know their personal lives. but the moment they’re with other people here, they start talking. it’s honestly nothing but the telephone game here at work. and it sucks. a bunch of grown ass women talking shit about other women. fucking great.
as much as being alone sucks, I’ll stick to myself. well my co worker is pretty cool to be with. i just prefer being alone. still, she’s a really great person to have around as company.
anyways, I hope the phase I’m in at the moment can quickly pass and I can be faced with a new chapter in my life. i don’t want to end May by saying “this month was the same as the previous ones”. i really don’t.
