#over-sharing

[theemotionmachine]

[em0tionl0rd]

What's on my mind?

I have this unusual issue regarding anxious rambling..

I have been struggling for a while with an uncontrollable urge to speak my mind. And not in the way that you're thinking.

Whenever I get anxious, my first instinct is to seek "shelter" (emotional security), in the form of being consoled by others - Not necessarily to be validated, or to be comforted, but a median between the two - And this usually involves spilling my guts to a hapless victim.

Some of you may already know this about me. You've experienced one of my many emphatic and excited tirades. It can be annoying, emotionally taxing, and exhausting. And the worst part, is I'm genuinely aware of my behavior, but oftentimes find myself experiencing that momentary lapse in judgement, or amnesia, where my entire prerogative is dictated by that clinching feeling in my chest, and my mind, that the show must go on..

And some of you might think I'm not annoying at all, which is great, but my hypervigilance is haunted by bad and frankly unfortunate experiences. I assume everyone finds me annoying to some degree.

Out of respect for other people, I do Really try to dampen these urges. They're quite frankly, embarrassing.

_ _ _

How does it work?

Step 1. Get Anxious.

It is exceedingly easy for me to get anxious. All it takes is an uncomfortable event, or conversation.

Maybe the higher ups at my job are cracking the whip and treating me (and everyone else) poorly.

Maybe my peers are relaying uncomfortable personal information, are flirting with me, making me feel unsafe, showing clear signs of an unsound mind, or are emotionally abusing me.

Maybe I see something disturbing online, or in the world around me, like a hurt or abused animal, war casualties, protests, natural disasters, or sheer disregard for nature and the environment.

Maybe the state of the world and society makes me feel gross and frustrated. Like having a job and driving cars. Stereotypical families, partisan politics, corporations, billionaires, and housing developments. Or just capitalism and colonialism in general.

Maybe I had a strange dream, or a dream that greatly disturbed me.

Maybe my mental health is acting up, or my physical health is deteriorating, and it's scaring me.

Maybe thoughts and memories of my family are haunting me.

Maybe I feel alone.

_ _ _

Step 2. What Now?

There are 2 options.

Find a distraction and give myself time to think things over before I go and blurt out my feelings to the first willing ear (or flood an unsuspecting friends DMs, or trauma dump in a public space online, etc.).

Flood an unsuspecting friends DMs, trauma dump in a public space online, and make myself more anxious when people make fun of me or criticize me, or completely misunderstand me.

Ideally, I take the time to think things through, find a distraction that can help me calm down emotionally so I'm not reacting on impulse, or take the time to meditate on whatever is bothering me by internally discussing and philosophizing on the topic. Questioning the validity of my motives and weighing the known outcomes of mindless actions such as blurting my feelings to random people.

Secondly, I KNOW, as much as Anybody who Claims they are "My Friend" and that I can talk to them about Anything. It. Is. Always. A. Lie. >>>

These people never actually care about me at my ugliest, where I'm knowingly giving them information overload to test their patience. They stop responding to my messages, and ignore me, or even eventually cut me off (or vice versa). Or they're so smitten by me for whatever god-forsaken reason that my words go in one ear and out the other and they just let me ramble aimlessly. Or worse, they argue with me over the semantics of everything I say.

I used to actively seek discussion and spaces for deep conversations, but they always ended up being mentally draining "logic" nit-pick sessions, or an argumentative waste of my time. And it doesn't help that people can't read tone-of-voice in text. Or project emotions.

Not to mention the types of people who have an unflinching egocentric air of moral superiority because they think emotions are a sign of weakness and that women are.. You get the idea. <<<

I feel like deep down I can't stand fake people claiming they care about me, because deep down, all I have ever wanted was someone to care, but everyone I have tried to feel a bond or a close connection with, so that I can trust them, has inevitably let me down. It's heart-wrenching, and terrible, and awful, and I don't care about it anymore.

I find that I am the only one that I can trust with things regarding myself, and I don't need other people to validate me, or make me feel wanted (or special), and comfortable in this world. (I also despise unwarranted compliments..)

_ _ _

Step 3. Reckoning.

Let's say I misstep and drive my friend(s) away, or make myself uncomfortable by oversharing, or get frustrated because I can't make people care about whatever frivolous problem I have on my mind in that particular moment.

What do I do about it?

First off: It's over and done with. No take-backs.

I have to live with my mistakes and my abhorrent urges.

Typically, I will over-analyze the situation; blame myself for trying, and blame the other person for not caring, or for not being on a similar level intellectually, but ultimately fault myself for wasting my own time (and theirs) (on them). Alternatively, I distract myself and, due to an innate trauma response, I typically forget that it even happened.

This is not good as it typically makes things worse.

A stressor may have been forgotten cognitively, but physically, the body tends to remember the sensation. This adds extra weight to my deteriorated mental health state, and can exacerbate such additional cognitive stressors as hallucinations or internal arguments and involuntary thoughts that plague me in an already beleaguered state.

Everything begins to spiral if I let it.

_ _ _

Step 4. Stop Being Bothered.

This is the ultimate lesson here: "What to do, and what not to do" is such a black and white concept that it degrades any productive experience regarding the matter. Each experience must be taken as it comes, and be dealt with accordingly. No over-thinking, or taking the easy way out, or running on impulse. No simply remembering the previous lessons, since sometime I can't even cognitively register that I am transgressing again.

All it takes is a crystal clear awareness and sharp judgement. No guilting myself or worrying, because that only clouds the mind and makes the former more difficult.

So easily it all can become a downward spiral of guilting myself, comparing my behavior to others, isolating myself, and putting myself down. And it doesn't need to be that way.

>>>

For the longest time, my frame-of-reference has been polluted by thoughts regarding my family and my past, and it does nothing to help me. All of these problems created by other people that have held me back in life. I realized that I needed to take control of me, not them. No thoughts dictated by apprehension or fear.

And nobody needs me to talk about my past for the 5,000th time in relation to whatever I'm talking about just because I feel like it's somehow relevant to the context..

What's worse is when I go on these tangents, people assume that just because I'm being verbose, I'm upset for whatever reason, which is ridiculous. I shouldn't have to constantly reassure people that "I'm fine" or apologize every other paragraph just because I'm a compulsive typist. Not to mention how frustrating it is when people respond with some variation of "I'm sorry that happened to you" which doesn't add anything to the conversation.

Sometimes it's just hard for me not to end up in a one-sided discussion because I'm bad at reading the room.

<<<

I have to remind myself that it's not worth crying over, not to give up, and to keep trying, because inevitably, there are always good experiences to be had amidst the bad, and life is worth living.

_ _ _

Step 5. Conclusion.

Sometimes, what is done is done, and you just can't dwell on it. I have come to accept the fact that I cannot control aspects of myself, and stressing over them only makes things worse, and more likely to happen again. Surprisingly, staying calm and collected has given me more control as opposed to how often I found myself stressing from over-thinking while trying to figure out what I did "wrong" and kicking myself every time I made a mistake. Self-acceptance is a very important lesson in life and I hope more people find it.

_ _ _

I also have a really bad habit of framing discussions with anecdotes, where I put my life experiences on the table and expect people to help re-align and correct my course of judgement. To hear or read other people's thoughts on the matter, as a way to compare notes so to speak. A more direct method.

It's a noble effort, but in this day and age of people being exceptionally toxic online, it's just another unnecessary heap of stress on top of a mountain of other stresses when internet strangers don't cooperate. Hiding behind a mask of anonymity, like an alter-ego, makes them feel like they can act out, be intentionally obtuse, or generally problematic at the expense of others.

It's hard to make good judgements online, especially when you grew up basically socially inept, and bullied for being/thinking differently. You just expect the backlash, and have to find ways to mitigate it that don't involve some form of sado-masochism, self-flaggellation, or self-deprecation; or having an actual mental illness like sociopathy.

It's not fair (or healthy) to hide behind social self-harm, memes, or conform in order to hide amongst the flock. You should be allowed to be yourself, so long as it poses no harm to others. A value greatly obscured today, especially in modern culture and politics.

Being 'socially acceptable' is such a scourge on todays mental health, and people can't seem to grasp that individuality has been lost to conformity and homogenization.

_ _ _

I hope you found this in good conscience and that it is relatable and/or informative to some degree.

[ossie50]

How to manage over-talkers

How to manage over-talkers

How often do you get caught up in a conversation or meeting where one person simply will not stop talking. I can think of many times when someone has completed what they wanted to say, and then continued on for what always seems to be an eternity, with redundant verbiage. Face to face it is relatively easy to escape from. (Sorry, I meant ‘manage’.) All you have to do perhaps is to check your…

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[zestychille]

TMI TIME

I’ve never done DNA testing, and don’t know my full ancestry. But have always had skin that changes drastically with the seasons. One time growing up, my old man said I was dirty, even though I had just washed up. He ordered me to do it again, saying I was covered in dirt. I protested, but eventually did. I looked no different after washing up again. So he got angry, thinking I was a dreadful little dirt goblin. So he took me into the shower and started scrubbing. I told him it hurt, and asked him to stop. He didn’t listen, just getting more frustrated that he couldn’t wash the brown color off my skin. Eventually my skin started to tear and scrub off. I yelled and screamed and he was still mad, thinking I was just being a baby. He kept scrubbing until I bled in the shower, and wide eyed realized I just had darker skin than the rest of the family. Every summer after that my skin got super dark, darker than anyone in my family. At border crossings they used to think I wasn’t my parents’ child because I was so brown. It would always fade away in the winter, and come back every summer, like I was two different people. I don’t know anyone else who tans so dark and whose skin bleaches so light based on the seasons. I grew up hating getting dark in the summer. I had a lot of internalized hatred for the way I looked, and I’m still working on it. But one day at work, my manager said something nobody had ever said about me and to me before. I was talking about how I turn brown in the summer, sometimes so dark the racists tell me to go home even though I was born here and am white passing most of the year. My manager, a mixed race black man in the most diverse company I have ever been in, said, “Brown is beautiful baby, it’s beautiful.” Nobody had ever said something like that to me. I had always existed in a world surrounded by white people too white to understand or care and black people who felt too alienated to bond with me about it. Sometimes it was my fault, and other times it was just the hard pressure of society that hit them harder non stop that never stuck year round for me. Most of my friends, though diverse, didn’t care what color someone was apart from being able to make jokes at each other about it. They were always accepting, but not the type to get deep about it. I was embarrassed the way someone gets when they hear a compliment they never expected, and I never got the chance to tell that man how much it meant to me. I never got to tell him it helped me start to accept myself, and my vast seasonal skin changes. After years of nobody really paying attention apart from the bad stuff, someone cared and thought it wasn’t just good but beautiful. They thought my embarrassed face was hilarious, and I’m glad they could get a laugh in... They had hard jobs. I never had a response to it. And that manager was gone before long, off to his own company. The owner of the company who was present got busier, and we saw him less and less, and when we did he was more and more stressed. But if I could go back to that moment in time and give a “HELL YEAH” man I sure would. I wouldn’t change much else in my life, because I think my experiences are important to building who I am and who I can become. The mistakes I’ve made have taught me not to be quite as stupid. The friends I’ve lost have shown me I was treating people poorly. Everything helped me grow. But I’d like to visit that conversation again some day, because apart from that one time, I’ve never had anyone to talk about it with. That was one summer ago. It’s been over a year since then, and I’ve been through things only a delivery driver during a pandemic gets to see. I got sick this summer and had to stay inside near the end of summer. The summer faded before I could get out in the sun again. And I didn’t get to change color so much this year. I spent a lot of time inside. I was physically stronger before I got sick, but mentally weaker. And now that I’m well, but weakened. I know exactly how to handle that conversation if it were to come up. But it won’t, not this year anyway.

[afiyaakaiya]

Our Odd Culture of Over-Sharing and the Quest to Be Relevant

Our Odd Culture of Over-Sharing and the Quest to Be Relevant

“Be yourself. Life is precious as it is. All the elements for your happiness are already here. There is no need to run, strive, search, or struggle. Just be.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

We show off our best moments—another sunshine shot from the beach, big smiles, cocktails and all. We try to be controversial. We ride the wave of the latest trend, showing we’re ‘on point’ and ‘in the know.’We follow in…

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[afiyaakaiya]

Our Odd Culture of Over-Sharing and the Quest to Be Relevant

Our Odd Culture of Over-Sharing and the Quest to Be Relevant

“Be yourself. Life is precious as it is. All the elements for your happiness are already here. There is no need to run, strive, search, or struggle. Just be.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

We show off our best moments—another sunshine shot from the beach, big smiles, cocktails and all. We try to be controversial. We ride the wave of the latest trend, showing we’re ‘on point’ and ‘in the know.’We follow in…

View On WordPress

[bookwyrm00]

Person: Hi! How are you?

Me battling social anxiety and my constant need to over-share at the same time: yes