#overcoming issues

[coloris]

So all is well

I knew once we saw each other in person we'd realize that this was just a phase and every relationship hits these hurdles. But I am thankful I have a man who chose me and has enough sense to be able to analyze his own actions and see what he has been doing isn't working. I love him so much and I am so relieved that we can go back to being us again.

[brokenwarriorangel]

Realization...oh my god my therapist is right, I'm passive aggressive!

Ok....so I'm laughing now... because... I made such a big deal over seeing that picture of R with that girl used to work with. I got like insanely jealous....which is really REALLY weird because 1) we're not even in a relationship - so he's allowed to do whatever the hell he wants to do. and 2) even though I do like him a lot, I've guessed that he doesn't feel the same about me, and if its just sex he wants thats fine with me because well i'm still a virgin at 24 and if i'm gonna do it i'm not gonna do it with just anyone i'm gonna do it with someone i actually know and like.

So then I was thinking to myself.... "if you're ok with just sex with him if that's all it came down to and nothing else (even though you want more but realize he may not), then why did that piss you off so much?" and then i realized.....

I was jealous about the fact that this girl who's moving away had a little going away dinner thing for them to say good-bye to her. And I realized thats the main thing thats upsetting me because the last two jobs i've had I left because of my issues so i couldn't really talk to the people i worked with about the real reason I left....and so I couldn't really say goodbye properly because I didn't want to leave but I had to for my emotional health.

... so yeah... i'm crying now writing this realizing that the last two jobs i had, i had to leave to deal with my emotional state of mind....and they were both places where i enjoyed the company of the people who work there. they were fun places to work, i didn't want to leave....but i had to for my emotional well being. and it fucking sucks.

so i realized that, seeing R with that girl wasn't what set me off today.... i think it was more seeing that she had a nice goodbye, and i didn't really get that because i was so ashamed of the state of mind i was in that i kind of snuck out of work in a way because i'm a horrible liar and also, i didn't really have the energy to pretend i was ok when i wasn't. so i just didn't want to talk about it......the first job tried to do something nice for me but i wasn't enthusiastic about it because i was in such a fragile state of mind.  Then the second job, i wanted to work two weeks notice but my therapist wouldn't let me....and because i was so embarrassed having to leave in such a hurry and having to come up with reasons to tell people, i didn't tell anyone until my last day. i was so pissed off i couldn't work anymore.....but i also knew i needed to take a time-out.

So yeah.... just wanted to vent all this while it was on my mind. god i hate that i can be passive aggressive like this, makes me feel like such a bitch!! :(

[goaskallison]

Anon asked: How did you get past all your issues?

Well, I can't say I'm fully "past" all of them, but they are definitely under control and I have found better coping mechanisms for when I am upset or anxious. In high school, most of my problems revolved around my less than stellar relationship with my mother, my constant need for approval from people who I have since realized I should not have put up on such a pedestal, and my unhealthy friendships and romantic relationships.

I made a lot of dumb and impulsive choices, all of which ended up coming abck to haunt me and further fucking up my life. So now that I'm in college, I've basically started over and lost contact with everyone in my life who wasn't a good influence.

I think that's something that is a really important step: realizing what things in your life are bringing you down, and trying to get away from them. Now, if these things are your parents, well, you're a little screwed. And then you have to find other ways to cope. Like keep tellng yourself that soon you'll be an adult and they won't have control over you anymore. Always keep in mind that YOU are the most important thing in your life, and if you don't feel loved and respected and safe, then something is wrong.

As far as my body-image issues and self-harm, I'm still working on those. But I know healthy eating habits and th right amount of exercise is more important than a number on a scale, so I've stopped obsessing over weight and started focusing on just being healthier on the whole. I've gone from overeating to binging and purging to starving myself and back again over the last five years, but I'm finally on the right track. And cutting, well, I made it almost an entire year without resorting to that, but I slipped up over the summer after a brutal argument with my parents, I'm disappointed in myself for that, but again, I'm back on track now.

So basically what helped me get over my issues was a lot of encouragement from friends, getting out of the situations that were unhealthy, and looking towards the future (which is something that I had a seriously hard time doing a few years back). And I've come to have a better understanding of my abilities and potential, so I've stopped throwing myself into situations that I just can't handle, and tried to remove a lot of stress that I had put on myself, and expectations put on me by my parents.

Overcoming my issues took a lot of personal strength and was a lengthy process, but it's possible. So please come to me if you need help, motivation, ideas--whatever--anything you need to make it easier to cope with immediate bad situations and to look forward to better ones.

~Allison