#overthinkingagain

[lacedwithfemtanyl]

[jaysterrnicole]

Trying to get through a mental crisis on your own is definitely nothing easy for anybody, or maybe it is for some, but I am definitely not one that can handle it. I dont even get through it in a healthy way. I remember each panic attack, how it made me feel, how it took so much energy out of me, everything. I also remember people not understanding. How lonely that has always made me feel. Sometimes its hard for me to understand myself too though, but not in the way that everyone else doesnt understand.

[lacedwithfemtanyl]

[lacedwithfemtanyl]

to be perceived... or not to be perceived

[lacedwithfemtanyl]

there are so many lambs everywhere i'm gonna die they're so cutie

[elvraspace26]

💔 I forget everything except what hurts.

Every morning I wake up tired, like I fought myself in my sleep. I forget birthdays, deadlines, joy — but I remember every insult. Sometimes my brain keeps score of pain like it’s survival. The worst part? I can't find peace even when I try to slow down. My thoughts are loud. My heart is tired. My soul is busy. I zone out during conversations. I stare at screens and don’t blink. It’s like my brain wants to remember trauma more than dreams. And when people ask if I'm okay, I smile because it's easier than explaining.

Sometimes I cry for no reason. Sometimes I don't cry when I should. I hate that I need structure, but I also rebel against it. It’s exhausting being the overthinker and the people pleaser. But I started building little safe spaces for myself inside the chaos. Some days that space is just a journal. Some days it’s silence. And one day, it became something bigger. A soft system. I call it ClarityOS — not a fix, just a safe hold. It’s in my bio if you want something that gets it.

[morethanmbc]

I have a crush. Of course it’s not the normal kind. It’s the “he lives an hour away” crush. The “I knew him a long time ago” crush. The “does this have a future” crush.

Am I just seizing opportunities? And what if I am? Does it matter?

This guy makes me laugh when we’re talking about the shittiest parts of my experience so far. I find myself smiling at my phone when we talk as if I had never known how to smile before. I catch it happening and think - “wow, I remember doing/feeling this”. And it feels new and amazing.

While he’s able to make me smile and laugh, he also shares his concern in subtle ways. He’s really great about not sounding “preachy”, yet reminds me to eat. He encourages me to take care of myself in sweet ways.

He endures my 1,001 “getting-to-know-you” questions. He messages me in the morning. He cares about how I’m feeling. He wants to see me as much as I want to see him.

I hope the “in-person us” lives up to the “texting us”. It seems silly but if one good thing can come into my life since my cancer diagnosis, I want to grab on to it and enjoy it for all the time I’m allowed to.

I care about his day… I want to know what he smells like (does he wear Old Spice (like my Dad))? Can he fix anything by just inherently knowing how to do it? Are his sweatshirts going to be two sizes too big for me and just right? Will hugging him seem right, like I’m made to fit in the “right” spots? Do I fit into his life (as complicated as I am)?

I hate that it feels like this is the connection I have been waiting years for and it shows up now at the “worst” medical time of my life. I just want this to continue to be the bright spot in my life- my chance of happiness.

His birthday is fairly soon. I’ve already gotten him a gift. Is that too fast, too much??? I don’t know. How much can you read into a hat? Even if it’s for the Cubs or Michigan (neither of which I care for). I just want him to know that he’s special to me. And his birthday matters to me - and I’ll go through the “theme” process (matching gifts and gift wrap) like I do for my family. And if the end result is that the “specialness” remains friendly in nature only; which seems to be the way these things go for me, then that’s how it goes.

[joyceinmotion]

there are times when i'm afraid of sleeping because i feel like i'm wasting time. but it's  frustrating, i keep awake but ended up doing nothing.