#painful goodbyes

[jxsswrites]

I miss you so much, But I can't forgive the sins you have done, The pain you have caused me. I used to be happy, A fairytale in my own mind, But you broke me into pieces. You made me a victim, But I'm so much stronger than I used to be. I do still love you, But I love me more.

I’m still learning // jxsswrites

[cultural-derealization]

✍️

Dear Diary..

You & I ..

[jacob-holt]

“To letting go of things that weigh you down and to those that lift you up.”

Continuation of “You nobles are all the same.”

Y’ri had looked at Jacob’s expression as he silently weighed her argument. It was when Jacob had repeated her final argument that she knew she had struck a nerve. Her head lightly shook as she knew that his temper was going to get the better of him, just like hers would. Her jaw began to clench together as she fought the urge to interrupt him, remaining silent he continued to speak on her accusation. Even with his eyes closed he could feel the glare that the elf across from him had cast, her ears wilting slightly to betray the hidden war that waged within. She didn’t wish for their last meeting to be like this, but it was too late to take back the truth. 

“You have a son that you asked me to help you raise. I thought that when you asked me that it was a silent way of acknowledging the love I held for you, Jacob; for your growing family. But instead, you wish for me to babysit while you get hitched to someone else.” Her head shook as her own temper began to rise further. “I will not be pushed aside and ignored.” Her tone remained calm, however obvious the venom that drilled from her lips was. “Everyone tells me to simply get over it; to move on. How can I?” Her hands were thrown into the air as she stood her ground, eyebrows pinching together as she continued to hold Jacob in her cross-hairs.

He stared right back, letting the ink seep into the parchment of the map, now ruined and useless. It festered, the blackened liquid finding the grains of the papery material and following them to the very edges where the work he'd done disappeared. It was like his emotions, the emotions he held back so, so well. But when they became overwhelming, the consumed him, like they black ink along the parchment now. 

"You assumed. That was your first mistake. I never asked you to be a babysitter. I asked you a question that had you being involved in my family, yes, but not for the reasons you've allowed yourself to fall victim to." He closed his eyes again, shaking his head and bowing it as he placed a palm along his brow, willing his gods forsaken headache to cease, but it only pounded further into his temples. "You sit here. In my quarters. Resigning from your position with insult laced upon your tongue, and you continue to try and place sole blame on me." He looked up, a haggard shadow falling over his exhausted face. "How can you? By doing what you're doing now," he said quietly. Too quietly. "By resigning. By finding your way. Where it is you feel you belong. Because you've made it more than clear it's not here."

A flurry of raw emotions gnawed at the inside of the elf as a knot began to form in her throat, betraying the cool and collected expression she tried to maintain. Her breathing became ragged and heavy as she tried to ignore Jacob’s unforgiving enlightenment. Her hands clenched to try and further her patience, regardless if her gaze remained unforgiving. “The blame is not only on you, Jacob.” Y’ri sighed in her frustration as she hadn’t planned on this conversation ending up the way it was going. The finality of his words seemed to break the elf, causing her stern frown to quiver as her eyes tightened. “Well forgive me for thinking that. You’re right...I shouldn’t have assumed such things.” The elf was still livid, but she didn’t wish to burn the bridge entirely. “I’m not sure what else to say, Jacob.”

He sat there, staring at her with an expression she would know as one that shielded all his emotion. His defense mechanism. Eventually he’d speak, letting a breath ease from his own lungs. 

“I’ll make sure you receive adequate compensation for a month’s pay to get you by until you find whatever it is you’re searching for. In the meantime,” he eyed his drawer where his whiskey bottle was and took out two glasses. He poured one for her and one for himself. Raising his glass, he looked right at her. 

“To letting go of things that weigh you down and to those that lift you up.” He’d offer a sad smile and down his glass, push to stand up, grab his hat and coat, and make to leave his cabin whether she drank the whiskey he poured for her or not. He paused at the door, turning his profile to her. “Oh and, if you are leaving, I hope you’ll say goodbye to Emory. Though, he likely already knows.” And the door shut behind him with a thud.

Y'ri had taken slight offense to the  the compensation that Jacob had offered, though she wasn't entirely sure why. It was as if anything could've been done to her in that moment that would've been seen as insulting in her eyes, for there was no hell like a woman scorned. Y'ri followed Jacob's movement as he reached for the glasses and bottle of whiskey, slowly shaking her head as she already had an idea of what was happening. She sat in silence as the liquid was distributed evenly, her ears flicking upwards as he made a toast. 

Suddenly, the sinking feeling that Y'ri was feeling had turned into a crushing weight that she could not shake. Her heart throbbed with regret but her mind raced with thoughts of her persistence and what would come of it. She couldn't help but think that Jacob meant she was one of the things that weighed him down, and the toast had turned to ash in her mouth. She remained silent as she stared at the drinks, only shifting her gaze as Jacob  got up to leave. The mention of Emory was just what Jacob needed to bring up in order for tears to begin flowing, but by the time they had he'd already be near the door. She'd remain with her back facing Jacob, continuing to stare at the drink as she heard the closing of the door. 

Y'ri's hand reached out for the drink and began to delicately twirl the glass as she watched to contents within move respectively. Her lips flattened as he leaned back against the desk, looking at the door that Jacob had walked through seconds before.  She blankly stared at the face of the door as the drink gently rocked back and forth within its prison. She silently raised it before the glass touched her lips and the liquid within was  drained. "Goodbye, Jacob."

@allseeker-wra @holtandthornetradingco

[castlesmadeofsand3]

“Take care, bye,” I said quickly, and as if it were too painful, waited a moment or two longer before I clicked off the phone. Damn. That was tough. A tough conversation and an even tougher goodbye. In those last few minutes I had made a crucial decision. One that I would later on come to regret. One that couldn’t be taken back. I said goodbye to the one source of stability in my life. I said goodbye to what could’ve been nothing short of pure magic. I said goodbye to a dream, or a fantasy even.

[lonelyreminiscent96-blog]

10/15/16

I write about this relationship because it is something that has been tucked away from the masses. These one-sided interactions with the man whom I love are pieces of myself that I once held dear. Pieces that I once was protective of. My mind always told me to let go, to shake off the hold of this one sided love affair but my heart would not allow it. My heart saw redemption. My heart heard laughter. But my mind knew the silent tears I’d shed while driving aimlessly around town. My mind knew of the painful ache in my chest where unanswered texts went to rest. See, my mind knew what my heart could not comprehend; He’s no good for you.

However, my heart jump to his rescue, pleading and beseeching, trying to get my mind to understand that he is a good man. He had held my hand through the roughest of storms and has made my soul laugh through the greyest of days. When depression had me in its grips, he was my savior. But now I realize, he was only a passing helping hand that, in my ignorance, became a lifeline. The difference between a helping hand and a lifeline is that one is just for temporary support, while the other is literally a necessity. My heart is starting to understand the difference my mind has known for so long. Both, however, are ready to move on.

[precious-gem-xo-blog]

I am not sure how I am going to say goodbye to you. You have become such an important part in my, you are my family. I wish I didn't have to leave xxx

[itsjustchi]

It's almost 5am and I'm up thinking about you leaving me.

It's something about silence that keeps my mind stirring. Especially when it comes to thinking about you. Just like that, you were in my life and now you're taking 10 steps back. All I could do is watch your back side and see you drive off into the distance. Usually I would chase you. But this feeling is so familiar, like I allowed this to happen before. I never let go so easily but it's our connection that's letting me do this. I'm hurt but the pain is only temporary. Pretty soon, you'll be a memory, a good memory. Something hard to replace.