In the aftermath of the overblot, Kalim tried, as clumsy as he was, to built a relationship of trust between him and Jamil. He was never one to hold grudges, negative feelings always made him uncomfortable, so he'd rather throw them all out of the window and draw a blinding smile on his innocent face. It's easier this way, not to overthink the meaning of Jamil's word. He get it, or at least he believes he does. How his most trusted and closest person held such awful feelings toward him for so long was way above Kalim emotional capacity. He liked simple things. Friendship seems pretty simple to him. So he extended a familiar hand toward his vice-housewarden and looked at him with the firm belief that as long as they work together, the sun will shine above them.
"Let's be friend, Jamil !"
"Not even in your dreams," Jamil violently smack his hand and looked at him with sincere irritation.
But Kalim knew this boy, he knew that deep down, Jamil was good. Jamil always helped him. Jamil has been on his sides since the day they were both able to eat on their own. Jamil went on a wrong path, got overwhelmed with despair and rage, but that could happen to anyone. That happened to a few housewardens before him. So this is fine. Everyone has bad days, but ultimately, Jamil is a cool guy, and Kalim loved him.
"Hey Jamil," Kalim called the day after, and after, and all the days after the overblot. Jamil sighed, already knowing the question that was going to be asked. "Let's be friends !"
It wasn't even a question. As always, Kalim took the world for granted, not expecting anyone to refuse his whims. He never said do you want us to be friend ? nor hey Jamil, can we be friends now ? That would be too condiserate, too nice from him. No, Kalim always threw it like a statement. An exclamation, a punch that Jamil had to avoid.
"No," is the simple answer he gives after days of playing the same comedic scene. It was starting to be sad.
Kalim laughed and Jamil wanted to punch him. What was funny about getting rejected for the seventeen day in a row ? He hated how Kalim couldn't take anything seriously. He hated that even nothing really changed. Kalim tried to understand him, to give him a hand, to give him more space, but nothing really changed; Jamil was still stuck at being his shadow, following and fixing his lack of reflexion, helping him with homeworks, cooking meals everyday. What changed was Kalim's worry. The genuine gratitutde in the boy's eyes after Jamil explained Potionology to him. The "oooh you're so smart Jamil, you're really better than I am !" meant to encourage Jamil to show his true value, but it was nothing but another clinging bar on his cage. It didn't matter that Kalim knew now, Jamil wasn't free. He'd never be free. His family, and Kalim's family will never accept a simple servant to have more power and better grades than the heir. Kalim isn't a prince, but he could as well be. The world was all about power, and money granted that as much as magic and tradition do. Commercants hold as much authority as political figures, if not more. No matter how smart and strategist Jamil couldn't escape it, even if he tried. And he tried.
One day, Two months after the incident, two months of incessant insistence on Kalim's side to get close with jim, Jamil snapped. He didn't mean to, he had already resigned himself to fall back into his discreet loyal vice-housewarden role. Gaining the Scarabia's students trust again wasn't as easy as earning Kalim's one. They were wary of him, and he couldn't blame them. He did use his signature spell on all of them to get rid of their beloved housewarden. As clumsy and stupid Kalim was, he was a nice to everyone, and always offered all he had in hand to people around him. The only time he became insufferable enough for the Scarabia students to want him to step down was when he was under Jamil's manipulation technique. Which means, they all hated Jamil even more for what he'd done to the precious, innocent Kalim Al-Asim.
So that day, Kalim was asking again, and Jamil waved him off with an annoyed look. Kalim crossed his arms behind his head and smiled. "Maybe next time, then ! I'm a good friend, you'll see !"
It wasn't blot this time, the feeling was entirely different from that black matter, but the accumulated irritation rised all the same. Slowly at first, one drop after an other, then all at once. Overwhelming, blinding, drowning.
"There's no next time, never. We're not friends, never been, and never will be. So stop smiling like a fucking idiot and get my words right in your mind, dumbass. You get me ? N E V E R."
Kalim seemed taken aback, he stared cautiously at the boy and frowned. "But... I really want to be friend with you..."
"Well I don't ! How do you not get that ? Aren't you tired ? We're having the same conversation every day, is this a game to you ? Am I a game ? Do you find torturing me funny ??"
"Tortu- What ?? No ! I'm genuine ! I like you Jamil, I-"
"You don't even know me !!"
"Well I'm trying, aren't I ??" Now Kalim's voice was raising too, and his eternal smile was finally gone from his stupid, naive face. Good. "I keep asking you for what you like and what you want but you either lie or send me off ! That's unfair Jamil, I'm doing my best now and you're really not helping !"
The laugh that resonate in the empty lounge made Kalim freeze. It was quieter, less crazy and diabolical than the one Jamil did the day he overblotted, but Jamil's lips were corned all the same. Kalim blinked and forced his body to move.
"Why are you laughing ? What are you thinking about ?" Kalim pleaded, so desperate to get inside Jamil's brain. Inside Jamil's heart.
"Expecting me to help you once again, huh ?" Jamil smirks spitefully. "You say you're trying to change, but you're still running after me, crying cause you can't do anything on your own."
It was mean and unfair and they both were painfully aware of it. Kalim cannot befriend someone who closes their hearts at the first spoken word. Even with all the love, patience and empathy of the word, he can't force the impossible walls Jamil built around himself. He clenched his fists and looked at his feet, feeling powerless in front of the hatred in the eyes of the boy he believed was his best friend.
"I know I can't handle anything on my own, I- I know you do everything and I'm just following around like a smiling idiot. I know that, Jamil, I'm nothing without you. Every victory I thought I earned was on the price of your sacrifice." His voice was shaking as he finally spoke the words Jamil thought he'd never realize. "But that's why I'm trying so hard to understand you ! I'm trying to change, I'm trying to learn and listen, so you won't feel alone anymore ! I don't want you to force yourself to do stuff you hate, so please, tell me, what can I do for you to feel better ? I just want to see a genuine smile in your face Jamil, I care about you, so let me help ! For once, allow me to help you ! Please !"
Jamil's glance was mean and cold, like ashes after a fire.
"You want to help me ?" He sneered, hysterical.
"Yes ! That's all I want to do !"
"Then leave !" The words made Kalim freeze. "Fucking leave then ! That's how you can help me ! The only thing that would make me genuinely smile would be not having to see your face every morning smiling stupidly at me and asking me how I'm doing today. I don't want to be friend with you, do you understand that ? I don't want to eat lunch with you, or listen about how that joke Rook made ! I don't want to do anything with you, do you understand??? My life was so fucking great the first two months I came to this school, when you weren't here. I was free and happy bit you just had to show up and ruin everything again."
Jamil's red irises were burning from a pain so deep it shut Kalim never-stopping mouth. The Asim heir stared at the dark-haired boy without making a single move, as if he was afraid to agitated the dangerous snake more than he already is. Prey instinct in front of an obviously stronger beast.
Jamil breathes sharply, and didn't stop. It felt like the overblot incident again, except this time there was no voice other than his, no monstruous shadow manipulating his emotions like a puppeteer.
"So no Kalim, I will not be your friend."
Kalim was unusually still, eyes unmoving and lips closed. Like a statue, but not a strong marble statue they could find decorating the Asim Palace back home- No, he was a fragile clay statue that could break up with a simple flick of the finger. Even his breathing seemed to stop for ten long seconds, and then, his voice spoke up again.
"So," he started, cautious, "You want me to leave ?"
Jamil's anger changed into mockery. "Yeah, if you really want me to feel better the best thing you can do is to simply disappear. Get the fuck out of my life Kalim, that's how you can help." It's mean and provocating but he doesn't care anymore. He's already lost all his dignity. He just wants Kalim to stop being so fucking nice.
"...Okay," Kalim whispered after a while. His breath shakened lightly, then his voice seemed normal again. "I'll call my parents tomorrow."
Jamil's body tensed up when two solid arms wrapped themselves around him. He tried to get away from that grip, but Kalim held him even tighter.
"I'll set you free, I promise."
Jamil froze and tried to look at his dormmate. There was no way Kalim would actually do that, right ?? He wouldn't- This was just another whim that Kalim would forget about in a couple of hours. Kalim never listened nicely to him, he was always a pain in the butt, even when Jamil overblotted and was displaying his magic without restraint. Jamil said nothing, and Kalim let him go. His smile was strange, faded, guilty, and sad. None of the emotions usually painted on the rich boy's face.
"Good Night, Jamil," Kalim spoke up again but it all felt wrong. "You should rest, you deserve it."
The servant opened his mouth but the dark, hateful part of his brain stopped him. Why would he hold Kalim back ? If the spoiled brat wanted to leave, then so be it. It was all Jamil had always wantd, right ? It was what he asked, and he could finally have it. Kalim didn't need to stay in this school anyway, his father could hire the best magicians in Twisted Wonderland, or even built an magic academy in their homeland.
"You finally take a well-thought decision by yourself, congrats." He didn't know why he was so mean. Maybe because Kalim made it so easy. Maybe because he wanted Kalim to argue back. To yell at him. To tell him he was being unfair. To insult him, scream to go fuck himself, to call him an idiot and an asshole.
"Yeah, about time, right ?" The sunny boy couldn't even force himself to fake a laugh. He never needed to fake a laugh before. He had always been so genuine, this too was new for him.
Kalim went to bed first, and surprisingly was also the first to get up in the morning. He called his parents and explained that he felt homesick, the school was great but he couldn't have all the elephants he wanted here, and he missed his siblings and his huge bedroom. A few hours later, a dozen of the Asim's servant were in Scarabia's dorm to gather the heir's belongings. All the gifts that were sent to him, the accessories he bought on a whim, the clothes, the expensives tissues, his magic object collection. Everything was put in wood boxes under the students' curious gazes.
Kalim spent his last day talking with each teacher and inviting everyone to his last party. His charming smile didn't stop people from asking questions, but it sure eased some of their worries. Kalim was a free spirit, he had a rich family, his future is safe even if he doesn't graduate. The servants cooked a buffet and Jamil stood in the kitchen feeling useless. Kalim told him to rest and enjoy the party. Jamil tried to.
Kalim promised Cater and Lilia to text them all the time, he offered Vil some of his best tissues, he managed to hug Idia though the blue teen was about to faint, he patted the head of each first year, and allowed Ruggie to chose one thing to keep amongst his treasures. He took a picture with all of them and immediately shared it on his social media. He danced and danced and danced until the moon was high in the dark sky, feeling Jamil ever observant eyes on him every second. When the whispers of skeptic guests caught his ears -rumors that Jamil's overblot pushed Kalim on the edge and made him fly away- Kalim laughed joyfully and debunked the lie. His father is planning a diplomatic journey through the Sunset Savannah and Kalim had always dreamed to discover the world, and he couldn't wait untill his 4th year of school to do it, so he's going home. He pretended he asked Jamil to come with him but Jamil refused to, since the more reasonable teen valued his education and wanted to get his diploma. People believed them, because who could imagine that Kalim, the most transprent boy in this twisted world, was able to lie so easily ?
Jamil watched Kalim say goodbye to his room. The party ended hours ago, everything was ready for the big day. Ruby eyes turned to their darker twins and Kalim smiled. Genuine, gentle, caring smile. Jamil didn't deserve it.
"You can have my room now."
"That's the housewarden's room," Jamil objected. He frowned at the friendly hand reaching for a shoulder, but let it squeeze him lightly before leaving.
"You can be housewarden, you're way better than me at this, and everyone knows that."
"I don't think they want me now..."
Kalim sent a last look at the empty room and closed the door. "I don't see anyone who'd fit better than you for this role. Just be yourself, and they will trust you again. This is what you wanted"
Jamil nodded despite the nausea. This was what he wanted. He wasn't going to complain. Kalim started to walk, but Jamil didn't move. He didn't want to accompany him to the school door, that felt like walking a prisonner to the electric chair. It was his fault, and he didn't want to bear the weight of it. Kalim looked at him, a faded smile and sad look on his face again.
"Visit me if you get the time," was the last words he told his dormmate.
Jamil didn't watch the boy walk through the magic mirror to reach his palace. Jamil went to his room and got ready for the next day of school. Now that Kalim wasn't there anymore, he finally had enough time to focus on his studies. His chest is painful and his eyes are burning, but he keeps himself busy. This is for the best, he repeats himself. This is what he wanted.
And that might actually be the worst part. That it was true. That it was for the best, because for the first time in years, Jamil could rest on weekends without having to cook for a hundred of people. He could go to bed without having to check for Kalim's homework three times. He could wake up at a normal hour and take his time to get ready. He wasn't late anymore because Kalim wasn't there to make him run through the school for a stupid reason or another. He cooked meal he actually enjoyed, or even bought cafetaria meals when he didn't feel like cooking. It was weird, not having a explosive joyful and noisy creature around him all the time, for sure, but the silence wasn't unpleasant. It wasn't silent anyway, since Kalim texted him everyday. Walls of text relating his days and his conversations that Jamil couldn't care less of. Pictures of a cat, of his siblings, of himself, of a tree, of a painting, of anything Kalim found interesting enough to show who he considered his best friend. Jamil rarely answered, but when he did it was always dismissive or insulting. Kalim didn't seem to mind though, because he continued to share his stupid ideas with him.
One month had passed when Jamil saw his phone glowing with Kalim's stupid face. Jamil was done with his homework and all his things on his to-do list. Things went easy when there wasn't a perpetual nuisance interrompting and distracting him from his work. Jamil was bored, so he mindlessly answered the call, puting an end to the stupid ringtone. He should change it.
Kalim talked to him normally, asked him about the classes and the teachers, said he talked with Ruggie a few days ago, related again what his siblings did when he came back. It was casual and joyful, like nothing changed between them. Jamil sighed and listened, like he always did. It wasn't too bad to have some background noise as he was cleaning his room. It was also good to hear some news from home because his parents were too busy to call, and spent more time reprimending him for letting Kalim give up his studies than giving news when they found time to talk to their son.
"Are you happier now ?" Kalim asked at some point.
Jamil put his folded clothes in his closet and walked closer to the phone, confused by the lack of context around this question.
"Sorry ?"
A soft chuckle echoed through the electronic device, but it failed to share the hardening grip of Kalim's fingers around his own phone, or his gleaming eyes reflecting the starring sky. The night was cold in the desert. Cold, and lonely.
"You said that the only thing I could do to make you feel happy is to leave the school, so, did it work ?"
Jamil looked around him and wondered too. Did it work ? Was he happier ? He didn't expect Kalim's stupid brain to remember their argument from the month before. Why couldn't he use that memory when they were studying before finals ??
"I hope it worked, I really want you to be happy." The usually joyful boy was glad he chose a simple voice call intead of a video one. He held his tears well but wouldn't guarentee that a few ones won't find their way to his cheeks. "I'm sorry I never managed to make you feel like a friend."
Jamil opened his mouth, closed it, frowned, and tried again.
"Yeah, well, you couldn't do anything about it anyway. We weren't made to be friends to begin with." His voice is patronizing, the same tone he used whenever he reminded Kalim that no, he couldn't do that stupid thing, because that would end poorly and not at all have the result Kalim think of.
"You were playing your role and I was doing my job," he added, and didn't realize that Kalim didn't chose that role more than he did. It was unfair to hold that anger against him, but he did know who else he could adress that against. "You just love to try impossible stuff and I always had to convince you to stop. That was just another stupid thing you got obsessed with and finally gave up when you understood it wasn't going to work."
Kalim had to put his phone away and take a deep breathe after swiping the few tears that managed to escape. The feeling of unfairness flooded in him, drowning his usual happy and hopeful soul into despair. He kept telling himself if only I've tried harder, if only I understood it earlier, believing that things could have been different. But Jamil just slashed his ideal world in a few second, claiming that their fate would never allow them this happy ending, like their worlds were never able to met, and the few moments of friendship Kalim cherished were pure imagination and delusions.
He bites his lip and put the device back against his ear. He hides the shake in his voice with a tired laugh, and Jamil was honorable enough not to comment it.
"Is that so ?"
"Yes. How can I be your servant and your friend? I told you this wasn't happening."
"Ah, I guess I was stupid to believe it then," he chuckled again, running a hand through his white hair. "I believed in a lot of stupid stuff, you were always trying to explain and I never listened."
Jamil nodded despite the call being voice-only. He could hear a thoughtful humming from the phone, then an uncomfortable silent settled between them. His heart was beating wrongly, but at least it was beating in his own chest, instead of working to serve someone else. He'd never have guessed freedom had a sour taste like this, but he was greedy enough to still want all of it. Hurting Kalim had never been his goal, but if he had to inflict that distateful pain to be himself then so be it. He already made that choice anyway, he might as well go all way through it.
Jamil wasn't surprised to hear Kalim's voice again after a couple of minutes, the boy was never fond of silence. He had never met one he wasn't desperate to fill. It was like the absence of noise could kill him, while this rare calm was all Jamil wished for every single day he spent at his sides.
They talked about unimportant stuff again, clothes and jewels. Jamil didn't care enough to remember it the day after. But like every morning, the first thing he did when he got out of bed was to check the whether in the Scalding Sands and to wonder what Kalim would eat for breakfast.
Habits, after all, were hard to kill.