#parent oro

[forthereaderinserts]

Orochimaru: Y/n. What did I tell you about lying?

You, looking down: That it only works on Kabuto.

[randomwritingthoughts]

How Orochimaru Talks to and about Infants

(Also known as Orochimaru doesn’t know baby talk)

In a conversation between me, @awintersrose, and @aspookyrayofsunshine on Discord, we came up with these gems.

Orochimaru is randomly handed a baby. "fuck, I want one."

"an astute observation but you need a nap"

"what exactly did you mean to accomplish by puking all over me? What do you have to gain?" small baby noises. "fair enough."

"Ah, you don't like my haori. Fair point."

"It's an impressive escape attempt. Unfortunately you are very small, so that won't work."

Orochimaru with disheveled hair and spit up on his yukata, and positively glowing happy. There are lil holes in all his sleeves from teething baby sneks.

cranky baby in his playpen whining about the situation. "he decided to wreak havoc so I'm making him take a time out to think about his life choices." and suigetsu is like:

“boy's too young to even have a coherent thought, but aight”

"you're actually okay with <various baby shenanigans>". "words can't describe how okay with this i am"

“No you are too young to handle hydrochloric acid. It is highly corrosive and you have clumsy little hands”

“Despite your keeping me awake for the last 72 hours with your constant cries, you are still less difficult than dealing with Sasuke as a teenager”

“Mitsuki, karins arm is not a chew toy.” “.......................................oh so NOW it's not for biting.”

“Suigetsu, you are aware an infant of this size cannot SWIM, yes?” "I did.” "you're made of water that doesn't count." "humans are all mostly water aren’t they?" "listen here you little shit"

*post edited for clarity

[forthereaderinserts]

Orochimaru: [gesturing to the Akatsuki] Friends of your’s, dear spawn?

You: Kinda? Not really? They kinda follow me around and there’s nothing I can do about it.

[forthereaderinserts]

parent!oro and modern!reader. mash them together and watch the Fun commence

y/n and orochimaru, chatting in english absolutely loaded with incomprehensible slang:

konoha codebreakers, sampling some of their discussions and realizing that they're speaking an entirely different language saturated with jargon and nonsensical pop culture references that match literally no known culture: what the FUCK

He’s a fast learner and with any references that you can provide him, he can learn quicker

It’s so much easier to be evil in public when no one knows what the fuck you’re saying

[forthereaderinserts]

Orochimaru: My darling child!

Y/N:

Y/N: I've never met this man in my life

Orochimaru does something embarrassing, turns to you and starts prattling on about how you’re his dear child and you just

“…gods forgive me for whatever I’ve done to deserve this.”

[randomwritingthoughts]

The other sannin reacting to meeting Orochimaru’s kids

Tsunade

[to Orochimaru] “congratulations! Nice to see you finally doing something good with your life.”

[to Log and Mitsuki when Orochimaru is out of earshot] “do you feel safe at home? Has your parent ever done anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe?”

Log, 13-14: [snorts and walks away]

Mitsuki, 7-8: [blinks up at Tsunade all confused]

Jiraiya

“Good for you! I always knew you’d chill out once you went and got some!”

Orochimaru: [blinking incredulously at Jiraiya’s stupidity and glances over at the VERY visible giant test tubes, one of which contains a LITERAL FETUS]

Orochimaru: “as usual, your ability to vastly misread the situation is astounding.”

[forthereaderinserts]

Orochimaru Child!Y/N:Quick question,would you prefer a boy or a girl as your first child?

Sasuke:Why are you asking?

Y/N:I'm trying to get the specifics down for the high probability that we would want a child together and I'm trying to include your preferences,such as being dominantly Uchiha.

Sasuke: ...

Sasuke:You want to...clone a baby for us?

Y/N:Isn't that how people make babies?

——-

I mean technically-

[forthereaderinserts]

Tobirama: [reanimated] what...is this?

Orochimaru: oh that’s just my kid

Tobirama: your kid?????

You: I can keep snakes in my sleeves and literally no one will know

Tobirama: but you aren’t wearing sleeves

You: my arms are my sleeves