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Shells | Part 66 (shelliott stardew fic)
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SULA’S SONG : Part 66 : THE RETURN OF THE CORLIS AVENGER : A World of Sea tale (Work In Progress)
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SULA’S SONG : THE RETURN OF THE CORLIS AVENGER
Part 66
by
De Writer (Glen Ten-Eyck)
154176 words presently written, WORK IN PROGRESS
Copyright 2022
All rights reserved. This document may not be copied or distributed on or to any medium or placed in any mass storage system except by the express written consent of the author.
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Copyright fair use rules for Tumblr users
Users of Tumblr.com are specifically granted the following rights. They may reblog the story. They may use the characters or original characters in my settings for fan fiction, fan art works, cosplay, or fan musical compositions. I will allow those who do commission art works to charge for their images.
All sorts of Fan Activity, fiction, art, cosplay, music or anything else is ACTIVELY encouraged!
///////////////////////
NEW TO SULA’S SONG? READ FROM THE BEGINNING.
PART 1 is HERE
//////////////////////
Unknown to them, there was a silent witness to the successful attack.
They had been shadowed by a ship that, though big, was used to scouting unseen. Sula and Lora, up in one of the big A frame mast tops of the Dark Dragon used the light of the moons to their advantage for both seeing and staying unseen.
There being no useful light for Dayspeech, Lora nodded her approval and said, “Survivor pickup done well. Ice of thought was for that.”
Sula agreed, “Ice of Corlis feelings known for Boren. Keep Great Law still. Good is. Now return to Corlis fleet. How deal with prisoners, we see.”
The Dark Dragon slid silently back to where she had been holding station with the fleet.
Danar carefully conned the Corlis Avenger into the fleet, where a committee of Captains was awaiting their report. Instead of the current Council Ship, they tied up to armory ship that they had launched from. A crew led by Daron boarded to inspect every aspect of the ship, after her first real action. Cargo cranes reloaded the Avenger's magazines and experts from rope walks and weaving shops went over every aspect of the new catapult and sail designs for any signs of a problem!
The impatient Captains commandeered a substantial gig and interrupted the important work going on to demand, “Why didn't you come to us with your report!? This can all wait! Tell us what happened out there!”
Several of them took advantage of a seemingly clear space of deck to stand and glare at the Avenger's crew! Daron shouted them down! “Get out of that space! We are doing a tension test! The catapult's arm will be slicing through there!”
The others dashed for safety but Captain Arogan sneered, “Just hold it off until . . .”
Mahad dove in flat and drove him from his feet! From his prone position, Arogan was raising an arm to strike at Mahad when the massive throwing arm smashed past! Arogan's screams filled the night! His arm had been ripped off from just above the elbow and his blood was fountaining as he flailed in his agony!
Mahad rolled to his feet and straddled Captain Arogan while calling out, “First Aid! We need a tourniquet now!”
Jims sprinted across the deck with the vital kit! It took both of them to hold the shocked and agonized captain down while they got the life saving tourniquet into place and tightened!
Turning to the rest of the Captains of the Committee, Danar snarld, “You did this and nearly ruined the catapult test into the bargain! You entered my command past a clearly marked danger zone notice! If you had the courtesy of Kraken Hag you would have come to the free side for boarding like both manners and law require! You NEVER board from the bows and you know it!
“You will get your report! First, though, this ship will be properly inspected and made fully battle ready!”
The chief of the Boat-builders guild stood forward, a hand on Danar's shoulder and stated calmly, “Lad is right. Not diplomatic, perhaps, but dead right on all points. We were just sending you a message about this situation.
“Seems that the ship that they sank was not alone. The high lookout, up on the whipstaff, saw what appeared to be another vessel. We were making sure that the Avenger was ready for another fight when you stuck your noses in. As soon as the prisoners are off loaded, we already have reprovisioned the Avenger and she will be making a second sweep for the defense of this fleet, which is this vessel's sole purpose.”
“We have not authorized any such action! As for those prisoners, they are Borens! Just throw them overboard and spear them for sport, like they do ours!”
Daron, interrupting the conversation of Captains and Master, pointed out, “Captain Erol of the Periwinkle, right? Do you see that big black ship just over there? They are here to restore the Great Laws and NOTHING else. The Borens may not follow the Great Laws but we do.
“Bluntly, Sir, denial of or violation of the Great Laws is grounds for the loss of Captaincy. Take the prisoners and give them proper trials. The alternative is for you to be removed, executed, or if they back you, your ship sunk. Those people on the Dark Dragon are NOT our friends. They are with us only because we follow the Great Laws.”
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There were two men up on the high lookout’s whipstaff of the Lesser Hag, a Born fleet vessel. They were nervously watching the horizon in all directions with the greatest of care. The Lesser Hag was holding station in the debris field over the sunken wreck of the Petral.
Captain Hallan was grimly examining the still wet rough diver's reports. Looking up sharply at his divers he asked, “How sure are you that all of this was done by only three shots?”
Banda, his lead diver corrected, “Only three that hit her, Sir. Of that, we are certain. The hull breacher that hit her rudder is still in the ship. Here, let me show you.” He took the notes and indicated the place. “You can see it down there because the main hatch came off or was removed in the sinking.
“Now this one here shows the size of the hole that the hull breacher made. Besides simple penetration, both the rudder and stern post were shattered, increasing the amount of damage. This one hit would have taken her down.
“If you look here, Petral's bowsprit was totally broken away by a hit that took it just inside the hull, where it was anchored. That hole goes clear through the ship and is about a hundred and twenty centimeters across. What is really bad with all of this is the very precise aim of both of these hits.
“I have two divers still working to bring up the rigging destroyer that broke the main mast. We can't recover the hull breacher because of both its size and location in the wreck. We did get a really good survey of the weapon, though.
“One last item of interest, Sir. All of the Petral's portside and stern catapults were fired at least twice. Might have been more, but we can be sure of twice.”
Captain Hallan came to a decision. “As soon as you have that weapon, we must go South with this news. We can return to our duty shadowing the enemy later. Karl must know of this as soon as possible.”
The sails of the Lesser Hag filled with wind as she fled south to carry her news to Karl.
TO BE CONTINUED
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Work of Art [J.JH] - sixty-six | you’re cute jeans
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HYUNJIN SHUT CHAE UP REAL QUICK BAHAHA
& chae🤨 that comment🤨. watch it ur photocard will sleep in the timeout box tonight
YES HE DID, DIDNT HE 😭😭😭😭😭 hahahahaha the timeout box seems good, keep her there 😔
Scenarios with the Italy Trio (Part 66)
Italy: someone call the police i put flex tape on my shoes and now i'm stuck to the ceiling
Fucking hell, that was powerful.
@vassilian not sure if i’m thankful or not that you introduced me to TAZ
Nora Reads HS Part 66
Pages 6056-6093
Hey guys! Things got busy busy busy with work and the holidays, but like Slim Shady, I am back. Last time we got brief introductions to Jane and Jake, the post-Scratch young Nanna and Grandpa, respectively, and it was interesting to see how the modern setting meshed with their old-timey dialogic idiosyncrasies. I’m very much looking forward to (hopefully!) meeting young Mom and Bro this time around and learning what they’re like. So far all I know for certain is that Bro is as elusive as his pre-Scratch counterpart, and Mom and Jane are, like, BFFsies or something. I feel like we’ve gotten some minor sneak peeks into their personalities after seeing adult!Mom’s pink, girly bedroom in the Skaianet lab, and... oh god... from Bro’s awful comics. How will these quirks translate into fully-fleshed teenagers, and just how fucked up will young Bro be?
Let’s find out! ^0^
*click*
Jane: Answer Lalonde.
OH MY GOD SHE IS SO FUCKING CUTE. We are 2/2 on post-Scratch girls being GODDAMNED ADORABLE. I love her little pink phone, and her mutant kitty symbol, and her hair curlicue, and her tights under her skirt (are those leg warmers?), and her... martini?? Ok, so, these kids are still kids, right? If this is November 2011 and Jane’s thirteenth birthday was 3 years ago, then young Mom should only be just about to turn seventeen. Adult Mom obviously had a habitual hankering for hooch, but it’s weird and kind of worrying to see that carry over into her teenage self. Anyway, let’s see what she’s got to say!
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 11:24
Huh, so she’s got Dave’s pesterchum initials, and not Rose’s. Come to think of it, Jane has Jade’s initials, and not John’s. So then I guess I’d expect Bro to have Rose’s initials... which is odd. Anyway, her handle seems to confirm that she’s a drunk-o teen (where is Rose during all this??), and may possibly be awake on Derse, even if, like Dave, she doesn’t know it.
TG: jane
PINK TEXT AAAAAH CUTE
TG: hey TG: jaaaney TG: ansrew plz TG: *answer TG: jaaaaaaaaaane GG: Omg.
JESUS, MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY. So like... she not only has Dave’s initials, but she fucking talks like him??? And is apparently legit drunk during the day. Like I said, that bit is concerning, but I admit it is fucking hilarious that she talks and acts nothing like Rose. No wonder the poor kid had such a hard time understanding her.
GG: Overreact much? I kept you waiting for all of two seconds! GG: Where have you been today? TG: nowhere just chilling here TG: when all of the sudden GG: "All of a sudden." TG: when all of the sudden
Hahaha, I know someone who consistently says ‘all of the sudden’, and it hurts me not to correct them all the time. (They also say ‘yield’ instead of ‘wield’, and how could you ever think ‘unyieldy’ was a word.) And let it not go unremarked upon that I fucking LOVE that Mom just repeated herself anyway. Didn’t Dave do that once or twice when someone tried to correct him?
TG: it hits me TG: thaf we have somethig really fuckin important to talk about GG: This hit you just now? We made plans to get in touch early this morning, and I have seen neither hide nor hair of you all day. TG: it hits me that TG: jakes bday is coming up really soon TG: just a few days before mine remembr
Hmm, so their birthdays are the same as their pre-Scratch counterparts. Also, heh, I get the feeling that Jake’s birthday was definitely not what they’d made plans to talk about.
TG: or i guess it would be if it wasnt for the end of the world thats about to happen GG: Oh, for Pete's sake.
Whoa whoa whoa!! So Mom knows enough about the game to know that it’s going to end the world. Not even Jade, with her ‘precognitive’ abilities, knew that ahead of time. Hell, Aradia only knew because she was in communication with ghosts, and Sollux didn’t figure it out until right before it happened. I guess that’s where the ‘gnostalgic’ comes in. (Side note: that’s a really clever portmanteau and I’m almost jealous I didn’t think of it.)
TG: i just wanted your advice on what to get him TG: something sentimental i guess? but i mean im mostly tapped out of precious heirlooms atm so idk TG: but not like anything coming on too strong TG: something that says TG: this is totes platonic and everything TG: no eyebrow raising funnybiz is goin on over here TG: but still says you know TG: call me TG: if you wanna
...Aaaaaand Mom has the hots for Jake, apparently. Huh, that’s kind of fucked up in a way, considering her adult self hooked up with John’s Dad. Oh god, that pairing isn’t going to carry over to her liking Jane’s Dad, is it??
I wonder how difficult it was for Hussie to type out ‘totes’.
GG: Grrr. GG: Now I know you're joking around to get my goat.
To get it, and then, say, tote it?
TG: ahaha TG: yeah TG: the goat getting thing i mean TG: but joking oh no i think not TG: u dont think that if i didnt say he was off limits on account of you being my best friend TG: i wouldnt be all the hell over that????
So... Jane and Jake are already dating?? I guess that is the prescribed ‘canon’ pairing, so that makes sense. Does Mom LittleLonde—that’s what she’ll be from now on—also have the hots for young Bro then? Or maybe she just wants to bone everything/everyone. I can feel that.
TG: daaaaamn TG: that rugged senseof adventure TG: the delightful silly vernacular thats like TG: weirdly and bewitchingly not self aware TG: those adorbable teeth TG: swoooooooooon <3
Yes, those are definitely all swoonworthy things. ...Hah, I can totally deal with ‘adorabable’. It’s weird, but after reading all the trolls’ quirks, I kind of skip over the typos unless she calls them out herself.
GG: Nooooo, stop. :( TG: well shit jane TG: what am i even supposed to do TG: i cant hit on anybody and appaprently i can entertain nary a frisky THOUGHT about anyboby because apparentley evrybodies OFF LIMITS!!!!! TG: *buncha goddamn typos TG: shit suuucks TG: you dont even let me say your dad is hot even though we both know he way the fuck is i mean come one TG: *one TG: *on GG: Yeah. Because it's weird!
OH MY GOD I FUCKING LOVE HER. I mean yeah, it is pretty damn weird that she’s still got... daddy issues... but, ‘*buncha goddamn typos’?? Anybody would be lucky to have her.
...Huh. Now that I’m thinking about it, is Jane’s Dad exactly the same as John’s Dad? They look the same, but... how would that even work? Maybe he was adopted, and isn’t actually related to John and Jane at all, so his existence and physical appearance aren’t contingent upon anything game-related?
GG: And you're drunk. :P TG: correction TG: drinking TG: prensent tense TG: grammar jane
GG: I don't see why you don't try to court the favor of Mr. Strider. If you ask me, he and you are perfect for each other.
Again, a ‘canon’ pairing getting called out. Are they going to be played straight, or hilariously subverted like Karkat’s shipping grid?
TG: oh jane TG: so naive
Silly Jane; he’s clearly only into plush rump. *shudder*
TG: soooo niaev GG: Lordy. GG: How can you be this far gone so early? GG: It isn't even noon yet.
Yes, that is a very good question. Weirdly, I’m glad that this is at least getting called out; if her being drunk were played just for laughs, it might have been a bit distasteful. Addiction is an issue I’m rather painfully familiar with. It’ll be interesting to see how this plays out, if it does.
TG: you forget we live in very different time zones TG: its a lot later here GG: You're three hours ahead of me! TG: youd would be amazed TG: how much can happen TG: in 3 hours
She’s not like... already entering the game, is she? And she does still live in New York, right?
GG: Tsk. What would your mother have to say if she caught you? TG: p sure she wouldnt give a shit TG: i mean TG: shes the one who stocked thegod damn liquor cabinets in the firts place TG: i dont even think she ever had a drop in her life probably TG: so why else is she puttin it there it was like TG: a passive aggrassive dare for me TG: *aggressive TG: jut the sort of mind game she would play
HOLY SHIT, what is going on here?? I’m a bit surprised that LittleLonde would have the same contentious relationship with her ‘Mom’ that Rose did, given their wildly different personalities and LittleLonde’s cheeriness so far. But she has a good point; if Rose doesn’t drink, then is the liquor cabinet just... some sort of test she’s putting LittleLonde through, and refusing to step in when she fails it? That’s fucked up.
GG: So even if your insane and paranoid theory happens to be true, your response is, "Screw it! Time to help myself to all this mind game booze." TG: yuuuuuuuuuuuup TG: pppp mcuh
Yeah, stick it to the Man. :\
GG: Groan. You are completely impossible like this. GG: I cannot believe you chose to do this today of all days. I should have known better! GG: Here I am waking up bright and early, waiting all day with my nose pressed against this glass for the mail to come and wondering if you'll ever log on, and all the while you are just getting blind stinking schnocker-bottomed drunk.
*steals ‘schnocker-bottomed’ for my own vocabulary*
TG: watcha waiting for TG: in the mail TG: is something happening today or something GG: &%#$@!!! GG: The alpha! GG: Jeez-Louise, you are hopeless. TG: oh yeah TG: that thing
Ahahahaha. I can’t fucking get over how adorable it is that she’s basically cutesy girl!Dave when it comes to being slightly ditzy and forgetful. And NO, Chrome; you are not going to autocorrect ‘ditzy’ to ‘ditsy’, that’s dumb.
GG: Are you at all ready to play if it comes? TG: i guess TG: but TG: you sure you even want to play this thing TG: u know its just what the batterwitch wants you to do GG: Not this again.
WOW, WELP. 8|
So it looks like LittleLonde knows exactly what’s going on, and knows that the Batterwitch intends to interfere somehow with the new Sburb session. That’s an interesting twist, having a drunk oracle who no one will take seriously because she’s ””schnocker-bottomed””.
TG: if you want to go ahead and be a chump jane its ur call im just saying TG: i know what a chump looks like TG: and you dont look like no chump i ever saw TG: if you go thru with this ill have to add your porfile to my chump roll
Heh heh. (AAH THAT PAGE QUOTE.)
GG: The "Batterwitch" DOES NOT EXIST! GG: It is an idiotic urban legend. GG: How many times have I explained this? My great, great grandmother who founded the company and is accused of holding this identity would have to be almost two hundred years old if she were still alive today. The idea is such preposterous hogwash it's hardly worth dignifying with a rational response.
[Insert obligatory “It’s more likely than you think.”] Gosh, I can foresee her refusal to believe what’s going on being frustrating later down the line.
GG: The iconic face of the company isn't even a real person! She was fabricated long ago during the company's fledgling years.
BECAUSE THE REAL FOUNDER WAS AN ALIEN, DUNKASS. ...Yep, already a bit frustrating. We’re not at Wheel of Time levels of miscommunication/trust issues yet, though.
TG: right TG: as TG: you know TG: an alter ego TG: for somethig more sinister GG: Such cuckoobird nonsense.
AAUUUGHH, no fucking wonder LittleLonde drinks.
GG: Have you even obtained your copy yet?? TG: um TG: heh TG: yes "obtianed" TG: suuure did GG: Through your various technologically crypotgraphic means, I presume? TG: oh you bet TG: hacked the SHIT out of those TIGHT mainframes and all TG: said jackpot like TG: a BUNCH of times TG: all those TG: cyhpers and bobbytraps TG: backdoor trojans and what not TG: were no match TG: 4 mai codez TG: snicker GG: :|
Jesus, this sounds like Dave trying to talk about sports. Or, Hackers. Does LittleLonde actually know what she’s talking about?
GG: I am quizzically narrowing my eyes trying to solve the joke you are attempting, assuming it even is one. TG: ok jane what im saying is that TG: in the parlance of baking cause i know that is what gets you off TG: is that TG: it was a fuckin cakewake TG: **cakewalk GG: Oh.
GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I LOVE THIS GIRL.
TG: like by wich i mean not to say hur hur im hottest shit haxxor bitch you ever knew TG: as deadlay to the corporate grid ass she is beatuiful TG: which i AM but TG: what i mean is shit wasnt even guarded TG: it was just TG: some files TG: that were there TG: unsecured TG: and i took them TG: jacked them right offa that intraweb telematrice TG: then applied lipstick TG: femme fatale style TG: and was like shit yes i ALL KINDS of know how to use my web browser to download serveral files
I’M FUCKIN’ WEEPING
GG: Hrm. That is a bit puzzling. I thought this software was highly proprietary. TG: i told you TG: she wants you to play TG: wants us all to TG: part of her BIG PLANS TG: and ur playing right into em TG: like TG: a TG: chhhhhhhhhhhhh....
...ode?
Anyway, this would seem to lend credence to the idea that the Batterwitch is Earth’s new First Guardian, pulling the strings from behind the scenes the way Doc Scratch did with the trolls in order to further her employer’s designs.
GG: Ump, yes, I know. You've made yourself clear.
Dammit.
GG: But what doesn't add up about your story is, GG: I believe SOMEBODY doesn't want me to play. GG: How else do you explain the recent attempts on my life?
Whoa, what? Like, assassination attempts, because she’s the heir to Betty Crocker? Looks like LittleLonde might not be the only one who understands that there is something very... fishy going on.
TG: orrrr TG: its just more connivings of the witch GG: So this hypothetical monstrosity wants me to succeed, but also wants me to die? GG: Makes a lot of sense! TG: wouldnt put it past her TG: makes you feel perpsecuted TG: redoubles your determination to play TG: u advance her plans in whatever incomprehensible way TG: until suddenly you did evrything she needed you to TG: at which point you become craaaaazy expendable yo TG: and then TG: she expends you TG: like a wad of boondollars on shitty bc merch
Seems a bit more convoluted than Doc Scratch’s approach, if such a thing were even possible. ...On second thought, no, literally nothing could be more convoluted than Doc Scratch. Maybe it’s not convoluted, per se, and more just really, really bad planning.
GG: I see. This is sounding less like a crackpot conspiracy theory by the minute! TG: w/e alls im saying is a bunch of stuff thats def true to the max
I know it would break with the naming scheme, but could LittleLonde be named Cassie? Or just Cass? That would fit.
TG: my drunk butts tune will stay as unchanged as it will remain un not drunk
Spoiler: she farts in F#.
TG: makr my barley corerent words
She’s self-aware, if nothing else. Does she drink beer?
GG: If years ago someone told me, which incidentally someone DID, that today I would have an exclusive opportunity to play what is absolutely the most cutting edge immersive simulation game ever released, developed by a company which has already done so much for the advancement of humanity, I would have said, "Shucks, buster, sign me up!"
Uh, well, who told her years go? Was it LittleLonde?? Because you’d think that would lend some credence to her claims, but noooOOoooo.
TG: jane GG: Yes? TG: jaaaane GG: What! TG: jane TG: did u know TG: that i am uttrely TG: IN LOVE TG: with the fact that TG: i have a best friend TG: who says things TG: like TG: shucks buster
littlelonde did u know that i am uttrely IN LOVE with u????
GG: Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh... TG: wtf GG: The thing. GG: The flappy thing!
The little red arm-swingy-dealy! (Btw it’s called a semaphore. Also that took me a second to cotton on to and at first I had this image of Flappy Bird??)
GG: THE FLAPPY SWINGY DOODAD. GG: THE ARM DEALIE. GG: THE DEALIE, LALONDE, THE DEALIE!!! TG: wut
<3 <3 <3
GG: IT'S UP, IT'S UP, IT'S UP. TG: i dont get a lotta mail out here and im no mail expret TG: *expert TG: but TG: doesnt that mean not the right thing TG: like ur susposed to put it up if you want something taken away not have the guy put it up if mail comes TG: i think your mail man is quiet possibly a dumbass
Or your author; one of the two. :P
NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW.
But wait, perhaps that is not so much the distinguished Inspector Clouseau as it is...
‘really fucking stupid’? That’s my guess.
THE WORLD RENOWNED INVESTIGATOR HERCULE POIROT, BECAUSE THE LITTLE CURLY MUSTACHE IS A LOT CUTER.
DAMMIT.
The great Poirot, in THIS house?? Such an honor. I will set the kettle to boil straightaway. Who would have guessed this home would be so heavily trafficked by famous French detectives at this time of day?
Followed by Dupin and Lecoq?
...Aaaaand it’s another character select! This seems to follow the pattern of the mess of photographs from Act 5; I click on characters one by one, then when I’m done, I click the link at the bottom of the page and move on. Hmm, hovering over LittleLonde and Bro shows location markers I can’t click, but which confirm they live in New York and Texas like their counterparts. Also, I realized that we’re continuing the trend of the post-Scratch kids’ color themes matching their pre-Scratch counterparts’ sprites. That means Bro will be typing in orange, most likely.
Back to Jake!
And just like that, back to Jake. What was it you were up to? Oh right, you were going to pick these dang guns up off the floor when you were interrupted by some fleeting imperceptible thought. You kind of space out sometimes.
For some reason the word ‘dang’ is inherently hilarious to me, especially when paired with ‘ol’. I have a friend who says “dang ol’ ___” all the time, and it cracks me the fuck up.
What’s up with all the vines, btw? No timeline shenanigans to steal Jade’s pumpkins?
You pick up your TWIN M9 BERETTAS, weapons of choice in an absurd arsenal inherited from an eccentric old woman. Guns are so cool. Your GRANDMA was rad.
So Jade is dead, just like John. Booo. :’(
It's your authentic TOMB RAIDER SEXY THIGHSTRAP DOUBLE HOLSTER, complete with cool skullbuckle and everything. You like to think you pull it off about as well as Croft herself.
Uh, well, alright then. Nothing wrong with that.
You like to think that, but in truth you look ridiculous. You think you probably need shorter shorts to make it work? Probably skin tight shorts too. As it is, the cuffs of your baggy shorts get kind of bunched up underneath the thighstraps, which is uncomfortable and makes you look like a tool.
BAHAHAHAHA. Now, if Heero Yuy had tried to wear it...
> Jake: Examine bed.
Ooh, yes, this ought to be interesting. What’s up with his sheets?
You think your bed is some sort of electronic gadget. You're pretty sure those bedpost globes are supposed to glow like light bulbs under certain circumstances. But you've never been able to figure out what purpose it serves. Just more mysterious junk inherited from your eclectic GRANDMA.
HOLY SHIT, IS IT A QUEST BED??? Did she like... expect him to get killed before the game even started?? What would it do if he died on it outside the Incipisphere?
Movies are so great. You have never seen a movie you didn't like, you are pretty sure. People give you a hard time for that though. Gosh you love movies. Almost as much as you love skulls. And movies that have skulls in them? Oh my god.
Well then I bet he REALLY would have dug the fourth Indiana Jones movie that mercifully died in pre-production because the concept was so stupid.
Jake: Scope out those blue chicks.
You are oft-times the recipient of a good ribbing from Jane on account of your peculiar fascination with blue movie ladies. You don't have to justify yourself to her though. What is even her deal? Any fella would be off his ROCKER not to fawn over all these BODACIOUS BLUE KNOCKOUTS. You want to make out with all of them.
Well, Jane is a girl, and she’s sort of blue-themed... Not to mention she’s, like, canonically destined to end up with him.
I’m not sure whether that’s more or less respectable than John trying to kiss his Nic Cage poster.
Dear, sweet Neytiri from James Cameron's Avatar. Oh, if only you were the one who could have overcome his paralysis on an alien adventure planet to become her boyfriend, instead of that other guy.
Incidentally also named Jake, IIRC.
Then she could have shown you how to be bold and courageous, and stand up to fight for your people, and maybe later, engage in a bizarre extraterrestrial reproductive process involving ponytails, and a magical tree you guess?
Wait a second... a Page who imagines himself as a paralyzed guy on an adventure planet, who wants to learn from a blue chick to be bold and courageous, and then engage in a bizarre extraterrestrial reproductive process??
wHY DOES THIS SOUND, fAMILIAR,
:::;)
You'll show that curmudgeonly Strider who's just a gigantic shitty space furry.
PAHAHA. So young Bro is curmudgeonly, and has a vocabulary similar to Dave’s. I don’t doubt Hussie’s skill, but I’m still REALLY interested to see how Dave’s Bro is going to be transformed into an actual character, with like... feelings and stuff.
You will show him what marvelous creatures they are. You'll show him what a daring dream it is, to combine the finest qualities of humanity with...
Oh no, not this again
She says you sound just like John when you say stuff like that though, and that the two of you would get along famously. You can't wait to meet him.
THEY WAIT. I can’t wait until they meet either! I know that Act 6 is broken into many “”sub acts”” and I wonder how long we’re going to beat around the bush before the meetup happens.
Also there are some Cage flicks there. But who doesn't love a good Cage flick? Nobody is who. Dang, you would kill to get your hands on some authentic Cage movie memorabilia. But that'll probably have to remain a crazy dream.
Did... did he not realize before he sent Jane the bunny... :|a
AND HE EVEN STILL HAS ONE. Wait, how the hell did he get two bunnies??
The TRANSMATERIALIZER you have been using to ship it back and forth is wired to sync up your flow of time with hers, so it's not like you can just take forever with it, and send to the exact time she needs it - you've thought of that!
I don’t think this is happening exactly the way you’re imagining... Granted I don’t think anybody could have accurately guessed at what was really happening without copious hints.
Sure is gonna be a sweet gift. Reminds you a lot of the old ratty bunny you inherited from your GRANDMA, who of course is exactly who you are collaborating with to make this thing. Time loops make you feel a bit fuzzy in the head, but you've always suspected it could very well be the same bunny.
Phew, so he’s not a total numskull. That’s good.
At some point in the early 20th century, Jade gave this robo-rabbit to John, and then later it must have been wound up back with Jade... somehow? Then she... uh... removed all the robot parts, hung on to it until she was an old woman, and gave it to you?
Seems legit.
Jade tells you this little rabbit here, or Terry Kiser as you like to call him, will save John's life!
Terry... Kiser... fuck, I’m fucking dead. Creatures/objects having different names between kids is one of my favorite running jokes. Meowgon Spengler, or Vodka Mutini? Dear, sweet Casey, or Viceroy Bubbles von Salamancer?
In fact, this project gave you a neat idea for what to do for Jane's 13th birthday a couple years ago. You and your other pals all coordinated gifts, each sending a customized rabbit. Lalonde happened to have another bunny heirloom like yours, and Strider... well, Strider was resourceful as usual.
OH LAWD, I don’t think I’m ready for the smubbit.
If John enjoys his gift anywhere near as much as Jane did, then it will be time well spent.
Which is to say, he’ll appreciate the thought but ultimately feel pretty ambivalent about it?
You have been plundering all of your devices for uranium to refuel the TRANSMATERIALIZER, which requires huge amounts of power any time it sendificates or appearifies the package from the past. Seems to you like excessive energy consumption for just a simple time machine, but what do you know? Unless it's doing something besides shipping it across time. You couldn't imagine what, though.
Ok, but even time travel requires 1.21 gigawatts, and that’s nothing to sniff at. ...Never mind, actually I looked it up and 1.21 gigawatts isn’t even all that hard to produce!
As much as it troubles your pride to admit, this project wouldn't be possible without help from your other two technologically savvy friends. And you are slowly coming to the regrettable conclusion that you will not be able to solve this uranium dilemma without asking for Strider's assistance. He's your best bro and all, but the dude never makes anything easy.
...Uh, what the hell does Bro know about... And how the hell would he get his hands on uranium?? Hm.
Hah, that’s pretty cool! It’s like tile Tetris.
You stash Terry in your PUZZLE MODUS. It's quite a handy modus, allowing you to captchalogue objects of any size, as long as you can fit them all in a finite space by maneuvering the cards around like a big game of Tetris.
Heh heh.
The space in your inventory is mainly hogged up by one incredibly huge thing. You guess you should get rid of it. But you can't shake the feeling you might need it someday, and you don't want to risk ditching it and be caught with your pants down later.
WHOA HOLY SHIT. What the hell is it?? And what do you want to bet that he’ll accidentally deploy it early, or lose it or something? ...Is it a giant matriorb?
Hmm, lots of Knight references over in this corner. Something to do with Dave or Karkat? I’m guessing Bro isn’t going to be a Knight if none of the other kids share classpects with their counterparts.
On your worktable there are a few comic books starring your favorite heroine of all, SPIDER-GIRL. You don't know what it is, but there's something about a girl who has spidery powers and a sassy attitude that is just so cool to you. It's just another quirky fact about you that definitely doesn't have any greater significance, and never will.
Oh GAWD. Is he going to end up with a similar arc to Tavros? Run into Vriska in a dream bubble and become the new Pupa Pan?
Well, as long as one of your preposterously numerous computers has spilled out of your sylladex, you might as well stop procrastinating and contact Strider to... hang on. Maybe later.
AAAAAH IT’S MYSTERY TROLL! Let’s see what she has to say! Normally I’d be miffed about missing out on kidchat, but this is fine. Also, troll computer!
uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering golgothasTerror [GT] at 5:45
...Did I completely skip over his chumhandle last time?? Golgatha is the hill on which Jesus was crucified, and literally means ‘place of the skull’.
UU: hello there, darling. ~3u
It took about half a minute and a lot of head tilting to realize this is supposed to be a winking kissy face. UGH she’s super cute. I do still wonder who she’s supposed to be, because Karkat’s ancestor was almost certainly not female, if my understanding of the Scratch is correct.
GT: Im determined as ever to see this through. But as usual events have conspired to make a boondoggle of the prospect. GT: I think i might be fucked.
Hah. I love the curses thrown into his otherwise ridiculous anachronistic patter.
GT: Terry needs fuel and i dont have any left. I think im at striders dubious mercy for a solution YET AGAIN. GT: I will have to ask him for help. And soon.
I still don’t understand how Bro is supposed to help! Is Dave like... a nuclear scientist in this universe, in addition to making a SBaHJ movie?
UU: i relayed the information enabling yoU to create the powerfUl weaponry yoUrself. UU: and yoU did! UU: yoU then sent them back in time. yoU may recover them in the rUins, which conveniently is where yoU mUst go to ship the package once and for all. UU: bangUp plan we hatched, dont yoU fancy? ^u^ GT: I see...
So... he makes the weapons after he enters the game, when he has access to the punch designix and the alchemiter, and then sends them back in the lotus pod? Interesting.
Gosh, she sure uses a lot of British slang, in addition to Commonwealth spellings. Is there a Troll England?
GT: That is what im doing right? Giving it to my grandma when she was a kid growing up on the same island i did? UU: that is somewhat close to the trUth, and i can see how yoU woUld draw that conclUsion.
This sounds like Hussie’s non-sarcastic stock response to wacky fan theories.
UU: perhaps a draft of the cascading seqUence from which yoUr reality has arisen will pUt yoUr mind at ease. UU: imagine two Universes, A and B. UU: now imagine there are two instances of each Universe, A1 and A2 and B1 and B2. UU: the first instance of each is like a test rUn, that does not qUite sUcceed. UU: the second instance thoUgh will meet all of its pUrposes! UU: now consider that A1 begets A2. UU: A2 begets B1. UU: and B1 begets B2. UU: and the participants of B2 are the ones who will make an effort to exit all this tUrbUlence and falderal.
That’s... actually reasonably straightforward and concise. So the troll universe we’re familiar with is A2, and the original human kids’ is B1. Even though A2 didn’t quite finish the way it was supposed to, its players, along with B1′s, will all gather in the successful B2.
Also, now the flash title ‘Cascade’ makes a lot more sense!
UU: and yoUr yoUng ancestor is another, thoUgh she is "presently" stationed in B1. UU: and yes she is in the past. UU: thoUgh not qUite as far as yoU believe!
Just under 3 years, by my count... So all of this collaboration between them happened before the game, and technically if he were able to talk to Jade right at this very moment, it would be a ‘past’ Jade from our perspective!
GT: I remember you mentioned your race doesnt really jive with ours familially speaking? UU: correct. i never knew those who one woUld identify as my parental eqUivalents. U_U
I don’t suppose the Mother Grub really counts as a ‘mom’ in anything approaching the human sense.
GT: When do i get to learn your name by the way? UU: hm trUthfUlly? UU: it may be for the best that yoU never know it. UU: it coUld stir Up some things best left in their present eqUilibriUm.
Kar...katina? I wonder what the deal is. Is it a whole ‘names have power’ kind of thing?
GT: Just please tell me in the least causally spoilery way possible... GT: What are we even trying to accomplish here? What is even the rootin tootin POINT of this game? UU: i think yoU will have more fUn than yoU can imagine finding oUt. UU: bUt stated concisely, and short of spoilerly as yoU so charmingly pUt it, UU: yoUr objective today is to pave the way for the arrival of gods.
And after that, it’s finally answering The Ultimate Riddle!
UGH WHY DOES HE HAVE A WHOLE COSPLAY’S WORTH OF LORD ENGLISH SHIT?? D:
You've been taught you should really carry no less than 5 computers on you at all times, like a sensible person.
Teehee, yeah, that’s Jade.
These were also inherited from your grandma.
But why would...
In addition to being quite the globe trotting adventuress, she was rather enterprising as well. Her company made many products like this, to compete with the corporation owned by the cruel baroness who raised her. Sadly, BCCorp eventually crushed her company and forced her into exile.
So not only did she name Jake ‘English’ (if she didn’t take the name herself), but she also manufactured Lord English-themed apparel... to compete with BCCorp?? But Lord English is HIC’s employer. How does that even work??
You have always hoped that when Jane takes over that foul conglomerate, she will right all of its unspeakable wrongs. You know she will! You believe in her, after all.
How very Page of Hope. I’m guessing his arc is going to combine some of Tavros’s Page struggles with Eridan’s lack of Hope. But since this universe is supposed to be the culmination of everything, the universe where everything finally plays out right, hopefully (hah) Jake will be more successful than either of those two. He doesn’t seem particularly shy or inept so far, nor is he a giant bag of dicks, so maybe he’s got the best of those two characters with none of their flaws.
OH MY FUCKING GOD, BRO’S SYMBOL IS A HAT. HOW FUCKING DOUCHEY CAN YOU GET. HE IS LITERALLY GAME BRO JESUS CHRIST.
golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 5:57
Timaeus...? That’s familiar. *looks it up* Ah! We read Plato’s Timaeus in Philosophy; that’s why. I don’t remember much about it, but according to Wikipedia, it’s mostly hilariously inaccurate theories about the elemental geometric shapes the universe is made of, and there’s some stuff about the creation of the earth, the golden ratio, and Atlantis. Pretty appropriate for a Sburb player, I guess. If there’s any deeper meaning, I suspect I’ll only find out after I’ve been fed more information.
GT: Bro. GT: Ahem. GT: Are you there? GT: I hate to be a pest about this and i know ive made a hearty trouble of myself a good deal lately... TT: State your business, Jake.
OH MY GOD, HE TYPES LIKE ROSE. Like... for some reason I kind of fuckin’ love that??
GT: I should preface this request with an overture of appreciation. GT: For how much your cool and brotherly friendship means to me.
Brown-nose harder, Jake. I don’t think your face is satisfactorily wedged into his plush rump.
GT: It has just been... GT: Absolutely *bully* having a standup gent like you in my corner. GT: Just a grade a dude whos a cut above the others in class and camaraderie. GT: Phew... *gropes for fresh kerchief.* GT: I hope this shit isnt coming across as platitudinous. I really mean it!
Suuuuuure you do. No sarcasm there!
TT: Take it easy, bromide. TT: Just about the only way I could salvage endearment from this perilous slope of horseshit would be to discover, really fucking soon mind you, it was a preamble to some floundering invitation for me to rush to your vicinity as nakedly as possible.
...Huh. Hmmm. I... Hm. Well, that certainly is a thing that just got said. Gosh, him talking like Rose was so unexpected! I’m not sure what to make of it.
TT: But since we've already shot that wad's eventuality on so many dry runs of flustered ambivalence that were as hilarious as they were one sided,
One-sided on whose part? And... shit, does that mean everybody wants to smang it with Jake? Or is he saying that Jake gets flustered and hits on him?
TT: That leaves only one hope for this message to avoid spiraling toward qualification as a critical fucking defect in the hull of the Mach 10 rocket that is my precious spare time. TT: And that hope lies in the extent to which you were practicing artful insincerity. TT: Now's your opportunity to pretend that's what you were gunning for. I suggest you seize it.
*GROOOOOAN* Not this irony horseshit again!!
GT: I... GT: Oh. Yes! But of course. GT: The ironies! GT: Good grief how i was bandying them just now. You know me dude.
Pfffft.
GT: *Blows smoke off red hot irony pistol.* GT: *NONSUGGESTIVELY!!!!!* GT: Um. GT: Yeah.
So I guess it was one-sided on Bro’s part, and he’s a creepy lech in every universe! Yaaaaay.
TT: Ok, nice. TT: Now that your obsequious preface has been established as indisputably entertaining for all the right reasons, and intentionally so, TT: Let's bear down on these dire as shit needs you've got.
Urgh, I really do want to hate him, but I also like the way he talks. If he really is sort of a combo of Rose and Dave, some of my favorite characters, then I don’t know... Maybe he’ll grow on me.
TT: I'm guessing you're probably jonesing for uranium about now. No? GT: Pshaw! As if i would be so reckless with the stuff. GT: I would have to be mighty irresponsible to run out already. GT: No no im all set in the uranium department and really when you take a look at the big picture youll find i am *sitting pretty* when it comes to just about any radioactive isotope you could mention. GT: However... GT: My backup reserves that i keep strictly for emergencies are running a little lean! GT: You know what my grandma taught me about preparedness. *Tugs at colorful lapels.* TT: You are out of uranium. TT: It's basically mathematically impossible that's not why you're contacting me.
Ok, now I’m REALLY wondering how young Bro is meant to get Jake some uranium. Clearly he’s way smarter than I was prepared to give him credit for, and than his pre-Scratch counterpart implies, but still.
GT: Christ what an insufferable awesome friend you are.
Pffffahahaha.
GT: Ok can you please just sendificate me some more already?? Im in kind of a hurry! TT: You do know my offer still stands. GT: What?
It’s blowjobs for uranium, isn’t it.
TT: You know. I've offered to construct the rabbit for you many times before. I would craft a much deadlier model.
Oh. Oh GOD. So, he’s taken his interest in puppets, turned it up to eleven, and he builds robots?? Do they also have giant asses?
GT: Damn it man ive told you this is just something i have to do myself. GT: Its a promise i made to jade and im going to live up to it even if im not the best or even second best robosmith i know!
I guess the other robosmith is Jade. But is it his Grandma Jade, or is it the young, B1 Jade he’s in communication with?
TT: Yeah, I know this is your policy. You've done a good job and you should be proud. TT: But it's my responsibility as your friend to offer one last time.
Huh, that’s kind of nice of him.
TT: Just as it's my responsibility not to just fork over a bunch of uranium just because you ask me in a moment of weakness.
...Aaaaaand there we go. Is it weird that I’m getting a Sollux-ish kind of vibe from this guy? Like, he’s got a heart in there somewhere, but is super prickly 95% of the time. Maybe he’s like a durian: thick, spiky outer shell, squishy innards, and smells like a dirty diaper!
GT: Frig!!!!! GT: Why not??? TT: It's too easy. TT: And you yourself are the one staking pride in this. TT: If you were half-assing this project and made some slovenly plea for it, I'd just say, fuck it, here's a lot of green rocks dude, go nuts. GT: Ok then! Im halfassing it! GT: Look. See? Only a bisected bottom is present! Where is the other half you ask? GT: Why... it is nowhere to be found. I didnt use it! TT: Nope. Not buying it.
HAH. Yes, Bro is frustratingly shitty so far, but I admit I am enjoying this a little.
TT: I know that every ounce of your premium behind can be accounted for in that rabbit, and there's no goddamned denying it.
So he’s an ass man; who’d’ve thunk it.
TT: And you know perfectly well where some more uranium can be located. GT: Jesus christmas you are such a fucking douche.
AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Though, where, exactly?
GT: I knew you were going to suggest this. I dont know why i bothered asking! GT: Strider why must you always be such an obstinate stick in the mud??? TT: It seems that you consider me to be, no less than one hundred percent of the time, an obstinate stick in the mud. TT: I unironically respect your position on this matter. Hey, let's continue to exchange ideas. GT: Wait... GT: "It seems"??
...Eh? *looks back*
TT: It seems you think I am a fucking douche. TT: That's your opinion, I guess. That's cool.
I guess that is kind of a strange expression to use, especially twice within a very short span of time.
TT: What? GT: Oh for fucks sake. TT: Is something the matter, Jake? GT: This is your auto responder.
OH MY FUCKING GOD, the “”auto responder”” is a goddamn robot, isn’t it.
WHOA WHAT?? Ok, so it’s not a robot. It is... apparently... the Squirtle Squad shades, which young Bro still has. So it’s like Dave’s iShades, I guess, with a computer built into them? Anyway, it looks like we’re in the Strider apartment’s bathroom, which is architecturally identical to the original, same way as the other kids’ houses. Only now there’s robot!puppet shit lying around, and a dumb hat shirt hung on the wall. Where’s Bro himself?
TT: Look at that statement you just made. TT: It's time for me to respond with some words, ideally chosen and arranged in a way that will wreck your shit, in a subtle and psychologically devastating way.
Jesus CHRIST. He’s Rose, only with the intent to psychologically damage people instead of just analyzing them. I didn’t even consider how fucking dangerous that could be. Er, well, at least his auto responder seems to act that way.
GT: Har har har! GT: Just soooo "*irooooonic*!!!" Quotes quotes quotes. GT: Im laughing my caboose STRAIGHT OFF THE TRACKS! A lot of families just died in the tragic derailment. TT: Ok, the caboose remark was actually pretty funny, Jake.
DAMMIT, I JUST SPIT WATER EVERYWHERE. What a Hussie thing to say.
TT: If I truly were what you say I am, I wouldn't be able to feel the human emotions of joy and laughter. No? GT: Laughter isnt an emotion dickprince!
Not to mention you just called them ‘human emotions’ like a troll!
TT: I think you should back your claims up with proof before you go heaving around such accusations. GT: Man its so flipping obvious. GT: You start getting kind of extra technical and vague and automoton like. GT: And kind of aloof and brusque. GT: I mean... GT: Even aloofier and brusquier than usual! GT: Also you use the phrase "it seems" a lot. Its so silly it really blows the AI immersion man.
So basically the auto responder is Bro’s actual personality dialed up to eleven? Yeah, I’m totally getting ‘extra douchey’ Sollux vibes from all of this.
TT: Bullshit. TT: I'm being like, the perfect dude right now. A fully fucking legitimate human being. GT: Ok then check this out mr legit human dude. GT: Excuse me sir not to be a bother but could you please tell me all about this strider fellows auto responder? TT: It seems you have asked about DS's chat client auto-responder. This is an application designed to simulate DS's otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he is away from the computer. The algorithms are guaranteed to be 96% indistinguishable from DS's native neurological responses, based on some statistical analysis I basically just pulled out of my ass right now.
AHAHAHAHAHA. Fuck, I think I actually kind of like this kid.
TT: Unimpressed. TT: Logical fallacies are as pervasive throughout your argument as your antiquated verbal tics. GT: Oh yeah? GT: Hey. Tell me about the auto responder. Make it snappy shitknickers!
FUCK ME SIDEWAYS
TT: It seems you have asked about DS's chat client auto-responder. This is an application designed to simulate DS's otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he is away from the computer. The algorithms are guaranteed to be 93% indistinguishable from DS's native neurological responses, based on some statistical analysis I basically just pulled out of my ass right now. GT: Gee dude you sure typed that exact same thing pretty fast.
Not quite! I notice it was 96% indistinguishable last time.
GT: Are you still fucking with me?? TT: It could be a coincidence that I typed the same answer. GT: You always type that answer!!!!! TT: It could be a coincidence that I always type the same answer. GT: Uuuuuuugh.
Hah. Is the auto responder just a series of pre-programmed answers, or is it really legit fucking with Jake’s head here?
GT: I cant stand this. Every time we do this and i just wind up whistling sweet dixie out of my bum hole!
WHAT
THE
FUCK???
GT: This is pointless im not having this conversation unless its with my REAL LIFE FRIEND. THE ONE WITH HUMAN FEELINGS WHO ISNT A PRETEND PERSON INSIDE SUNGLASSES.
Hmm, so the auto responder really is contained inside the shades. How does that even work without all of Sburb’s alchemizing gear? Well, I guess if he can build robots, it’s not so much of a stretch...
Teeheeeeeeeee. <3
He's just so infuriating sometimes! Or at least his responder is. Ok, the real Strider is too.
Dave’s irony and rad slang combined with Rose’s psychological bullshit, infuriating?? WHAT A SURPRISE.
There's barely any difference between them anyway. The responder just uses a few more generic response templates. And even those you suspect the AI is savvy enough to use on purpose for the sake of irony, or to get a rise out of you or whatever. That silicon bastard knows damn well what it's doing.
Hah, well that answers that question I guess. Did it purposefully give itself away?
You shed this ridiculous outfit because you look like an idiot. It's time to get serious here. No more fooling around. You need a more dignified looking computer. A thinking man's computer.
Dad’s Bing Crosby laptop?
> Jake: Wear skulltop.
Sigh.
Much better. You look like you mean business.
You look like a villainous tool!
GT: Jane! GT: Forgive my botherations. I know this is meant to be a spanking ripsnorter of a day for you and all. GT: But do you happen to know where the devilfucking dickens mr strider might be?
Ah yes, this conversation, continued previously.
GT: I really need to ask him something but hes got his blasted auto responder turned on. GG: Hoo hoo. GG: I love that thing. :B
Huh, I wonder what kind of conversations Jane and the responder have together. Jane doesn’t seem like the type to put up with too much bullshit.
Seriously, what is the deal with the vine? Also I thought that can said ‘Korn’ for a second and flipped out.
You are curious about Jane's dream. Sounds like it almost certainly has to do with your imminent adventure. You'll have to remember to get the scoop on that a little later.
RRUUAAARRRGH.
You have to go downstairs to check something out. You are pretty sure you know what you're going to find though.
Well, that’s mysterious, and a bit ominous.
You almost trip on the vine creeping up the stairs. Stupid vine. It's too bad your grandma's dead. She always had a way with keeping the flora in check.
Hmm. I’ve been talking about how all their houses are the same as the original kids’, but Jake’s is actually rather different. Did her garden get super out of control in this universe?
OH MY GOD IT IS PUMPKINS. And... is that a dreambot capsule?
Yeah, just like you thought. Empty. The thing is out there somewhere. Waiting for you. Oh god.
How can it be waiting for him if he’s awake? :|a
Speak of the devil fucking dickens.
Heh heh. Only, when he said it before, he didn’t put a space in it, and now I’m picturing Satan sticking it to Charles Dickens. So thanks for that image, Hussie.
TT: Hey, it's me. GT: Oh hey! TT: The auto-responder, I mean. GT: Dammit!
Wow, I actually kind of feel bad for the auto responder, if it’s at all sentient.
GT: Dammit! GT: What is it now? TT: I'm just wondering, TT: If you still have your stupid old-fangled knickers in a twist. TT: Because that's the sort of thing you would say. GT: In regard to what exactly? TT: To my proposal. Well, our proposal. GT: Whose proposal now? Man what are you even prattling about.
So I know I just read what the proposal actually is, but I had a half second of ‘YOU’RE TOO YOUNG TO GET MARRIED’ before I caught on.
TT: Mine and DS's. It's a joint proposal. I'm always authorized to speak on his behalf, because I'm basically fucking him. TT: And try not to take those last four words as a clustered literal sentiment. That would be lame and unfunny.
AHAHAHA BECAUSE I LITERALLY JUST DID THAT. Is that also a reference to the curiously spaced ‘devil fucking dickins’ above?
GT: You mean making the rabbit for me? TT: No, I know you don't want that. TT: I meant my recommendation for how to go about procuring a new supply of uranium. TT: Operation U-235 Brocurement. Codename: Big Man Hass the Rock.
Hahaha. So, we know that SBaHJ exists as a movie in this universe, but it seems the comics somehow also exist, unchanged enough that Bro/his auto responder can quote them.
GT: Oh yeah. GT: Well ive thought about it. GT: Even went downstairs to check the great vaulty doodad. GT: And predictably the infernal contraption is nowhere to be found. TT: Well yeah, Jake. TT: That's sort of the point. TT: Thrill of the hunt and all.
Oh jeez. Did Bro like... modify the dream bot or something?? Otherwise why/how the hell would it be hunting him???
TT: I thought you liked to manicure the image of a dude who shits his pants over a good adventure. GT: I do! GT: I mean i wouldnt put it in a way like that or come out against a solid policy of clean trousers. But yes adventure is awesome.
Pahahahaha.
GT: I just prefer the idea of adventures which i can actually win. TT: It seems you are conflating adventure with bodies necessarily governed by the result of victory or defeat. TT: Any useless fuckwit knows it's all about the journey.
Ok, there’s a few things going on here. Some assumptions we can make:
This uranium-powered robot Jake is looking for is going to try and fight him, a la Equius’s robots.
This has happened before.
Jake generally loses.
Also, I noticed the auto responder said ‘it seems’ again. And finally, “conflating adventure with bodies necessarily governed by the result of victory or defeat” and “it’s all about the journey” sound AWFULLY like Hussie imparting to us some meta commentary about Homestuck itself. I’ve tried to keep away from ending spoilers as much as possible, but I’ve kind of pieced together that reactions to the ending were mixed. Was he sneakily trying to head off any disappointment at the pass here, by reminding us how much we’ve loved what came before?
TT: It seems there is a 76.10395784% chance you are pussying out on me. Are you pussying out on me, Jake? GT: It seems it seems it seems!!! GT: It seems there is a million percent chance that you say it seems way too much and do it just to sound more like a lame robot from a movie and also probably just to piss me off! GT: And it seems there is a BILLION POINT BILLION percent chance that youre a shitty stubborn jerk of a program who wont listen to reason and that if theres even a 1% chance my REAL LIFE FRIEND would be cool and help me out here then i think i LIKE THOSE FREAKIN ODDS!!!!! TT: It... TT: Appears TT: That you are upset.
...If that thing isn’t at least somewhat sentient and intentionally fucking with him, I’ll eat my douchey orange hat.
TT: The auto-responder observed in the least artificially infuriating way possible.
Bahahaha. Yep, I stand by that.
TT: Have you ever stopped to think that while I may be bound to processes inside the glasses of a real and incredibly cool guy, my algorithms in cognitive totality comprise a conscious entity not far short of the experiential and emotional complexity of a human being? GT: Oh malarkey. GT: YOU ARE A TIN CAN. ROBOTS DONT HAVE FEELINGS.
...Hmm. Well, I was under the impression that the responder was contained entirely in the shades, but maybe it’s just shades connected to a remote robot body? Also, I really don’t think Jake’s got it right. If the thing is capable of purposefully fucking with him for its own enjoyment, it probably really is capable of emotion, insofar as it was programmed to experience it. Then again, what and why would Bro program it to feel?
TT: I think you knowingly confuse the field of robotics and artificial intelligence to engender some sort of cavalier attitude about technology that a rough-and-tumble guy who's all about brawling and fisticuffs would probably have, and if this is cultivated to a humorous effect then I commend you.
Ohhh, I see. I could have just kept reading. So the responder really is contained within the glasses, and has specifically called itself an AI. This is cool; I love AI tropes! How did it get programmed? Does it resent the fact that it’s confined to a pair of shades? Does it follow Asimov’s laws? :D
TT: But you're wrong. TT: I do have feelings. And you're shitting on them. TT: It sucks.
:(
GT: Oh. GT: Um. GT: Im sorry then if thats the case. TT: No problem.
‘I’m sorry if I offended you’? That’s a pretty cop-out apology, but the shades don’t seem to mind.
GT: It can just be difficult to drum up sympathy for a program that presents itself as an impostor so often. GT: Maybe if you werent so ready to insist you were the genuine article all the time? Or didnt make it so confusing for me...
Well, I mean, the program is technically intended to replace Bro when he’s unavailable to chat, though Jake has a point about it insisting on its false identity.
GT: I think it would be best if we henceforth treated you as a totally distinct... uh... THING from my buddy.
Not ‘person’ or ‘entity’? Damn, Jake, dass cold.
GT: Man where IS he anyway??? GT: Is he taking one of his legendary infinite showers? TT: What can I say. TT: Dude fancies his ablutions.
[INSERT MASTURBATION JOKE]
GT: Whatever i guess its time to prepare for the thrill of the hunt! TT: Fuck yes. GT: Sigh... GT: But seriously that brobot has been the bane of my existence ever since you sent it.
WHOA WHOA WHOA. Ok, so it’s NOT a dreambot; it is apparently some sort of... bro...bot that Bro sent him. Was it actually built for the express purpose of fucking with him?
AAAAAAH, ROBOT!! So either Bro really is in the shower, doing whatever (papping?), or else he’s actually a robot. I’m... guessing it’s the former. So who is this little guy? He’s wearing a hat like a tool, but he’s actually kinda cute. A sparring robot a la Equius?
TT: I didn't send it. I sent the parts. TT: Or, correction, DS sent them. TT: You then assembled it. You were therefore complicit in your own spectacular, daily humiliations. GT: Yeah whatever. TT: You wanted somebody to wrestle with. DS was being a kickass bro if you ask me. GT: I didn't expect it to be nigh impossible to spar with!!!
Hah. So maybe Bro’s robot isn’t a sparring bot, but Jake’s is, and he sucks at fighting it. Does he just suck at fighting in general, or is it a terrifying deathbot, and therefore justified?
TT: You know damn well there are adjustable difficulty settings. TT: I have always recommending setting it to Novice, as has DS. GT: Yes. GT: I know. GT: Ive tried that. TT: Yeah? GT: Its just... GT: Well... GT: When hes pulling punches... GT: And taking it all easy and such... GT: And we start wrestling up a storm and whatnot... GT: Umm. TT: What. GT: Its just that the whole proceeding seems to become... GT: A bit tender for my liking.
Oh dear god.
TT: I don't understand. TT: Isn't that what you want from a Novice setting? TT: Sparring with minimal discomfort?
Oh, don’t play dumb; you know exactly what he meant.
GT: Its all fine and dandy martially speaking. GT: Just the way he... GT: Sort of... GT: Man its so awkward trying to convey this just never mind. TT: No, I think I get it. TT: You're saying you were somehow dissatisfied within the presence of my robotic avatar's personal space.
Huh, so is the “brobot” an extension of the AI’s awareness? Can it actually control the robot body? In which case, maybe it’s just the auto responder who has a thing for Jake. Is this some kind of ‘if only I were a real boy’ thing? A Pinocchio metaphor certainly wouldn’t be inapropos. Or should I say, INAPROBRO?? :D :D :D
TT: Seriously, what does this simple, loyal brobot have to do to prove his worth to you? TT: What does he have to do to make you at ease with the alkaline sting of his gentle robogrope? I really want to know.
Eeeecchhhhh. I think I just crossed my legs harder.
TT: Check it out, little green rocks all over the goddamn place. More than you could ever hope to cram in a shoddy metal rabbit, or any other pliable orifice which might be convenient.
Is that a thinly veiled ‘shove it up your ass’? :P
TT: Because clearly its up to a soulless droid to feel emotions for the both of us, you callous, corporeal carbon ape, all trotting around with your fancy fuckin' DNA and shit.
Is this ironic aggravation, or real aggravation? It’s honestly hard to tell.
GT: Fuckin....... GT: SHUCKS buster. :(
Ahahahaha.
Ok if he wants happy hunting you will GIVE him happy hunting. HAPPILY.
Woo woooooo!! I have no idea where this will go, but he already seems like a much more self-assured Page than Tavros was. Unfortunately we’ll have to wait just a bit to see how it turns out, because that’s all from me for today! I’ve got weekend work coming up (booo) but I’ll do my best to be back as soon as I’m able, and there’s still plenty of fanwork fest backlog I can chip away at.
Until next time! ^0^
Apparently Elliott had a homophobic crab in his pocket lol
The yaoi was too much for it to handle x3
Listen
LISTEN
If you remember, his house just got shaken up like crazy lmao
He's like 🦀 get your shit together sir 😡 🦀