#personal fight

[evanescsent]

living with a homophobic family everyday is like having to change your clothes because “you look like a man”, change your habits and attitudes “because girls are not like that” and also not giving a flying fuck to any of these things because I’m happy with myself right now, and I understand myself better every single day, so yeah, your opinion is irrelevant to this discussion, and in this essay I will...

[itsanerdlife]

Whhhhhhyyy

Can I not manage to write smut? Literally this just isn’t fair. FUCK. Why do I have to be so impeccably damaged from my childhood I can’t talk about or write about sex, even though I’m a sexually active adult whose married. WTF... Why does this have to be so difficult. I’m highly disappointed in myself that I can’t get over this one struggle after all I’ve over come. Whatever, I’m going to eat my noodles and write my adorable fluffy fic because I’m trash that can’t get dirty.

[evanescsent]

oh hey i’m back btw, it feels like a decade since the last time i was around, like for real... 

even the book i’m reading right now,  love, victor and one piece i had to stop because real life sucks, and add all the accumulated sleep and sudden tiredness... mAN, GIVE ME A BREAK!!

even my health is not doing so good, man, feels like i’m gonna fall down at any moment, true story 

[evanescsent]

it’s incredibly hard to have a mom that doesn’t support you or even listens to you or understands you, that only assumes things and blames every mistake I made on my lack of faith in God and my not going to church stuff; 

but the worst of it all is that she always uses the same fucking argument, like ‘you wouldn’t feel like this if you had a position working for the city’ ‘you wouldn’t stress, feel nervous etc’, when I know is not like that, and that I don’t follow in her footsteps because I don’t wanna be like her in any way???? 

I just gave up on this matter, and sincerely? I’ve always done what I really like, had some good and bad moments, but I’m learning a lot of things and not even her can take that away from me, and I’m super fine with that.

[evanescsent]

and also that moment in which you never stray too far from your comfort zone in books, because repetitions and patterns are a good copping mechanism 

[evanescsent]

so i started reading you should see me in a crown and the beginning is so... i’m still at 7% and nothing really happened >in my opinion< so far? also all the victimism and self-sabotage/self-destruction all the time??? “ah, because I’m like this” “ah, because this happened to me...” 

mAN, just stop already, please.

i know that events happened and she changed because of them, and that’s really hard to get out of this dangerous cycle of self-hatred and not being able to see something different or moving forward... but for someone going through the same things (and depending on the context, something related to work, college or something else) it doesn’t help, you know?

i confess that i really wanted to read it, and people even voted on a poll i created on goodreads, but... i’m slightly disappointed; i want to finish it, but this beginning is... idek

i’m not saying that the book sucks, because it doesn’t; the beginning just didn’t get me, and i really love when books get me from the first page; maybe it’ll get better, idek, but i’m a brazilian and we have a saying that goes like ”i’m a brazilian and brazilian people never give up on anything” so, let’s see the next  scenes in this season of reading with thay.

[evanescsent]

september is a hard month for me for reasons like: 

*it’s been eleven years since I was physically abused and saw all my family blame me;

*I was trying to defend myself, but in the end I was guilty, because I never felt like following the rules and being like everyone else;

*because my “mother” accused me and threatened me in so many ways, and still does it;

*especially because I remember all the hard moments, all the tears and the anxiety/fear that I feel even with minor decisions in life, like opening a window or choosing something to wear;

**because I remember every time that I kinda give the power to the woman who gave birth to me to say whatever she wants, but I’m learning to use my own voice and standing up against her;

you guys, an abusive relationship can happen anywhere and with anyone, even inside your household or with your closest relatives; NEVER give up on fighting against it and >using your own voice<, ‘cause when you do, they win.

don’t let anyone tell you you’re the victim in all this, because >you’re NOT< and >will NEVER BE< the one to blame. I had to learn this in the hardest way possible, and I’m still learning it. you’re stronger than you think, you just are, okay? 

DON’T.GIVE.UP

[evanescsent]

I don’t regret cutting my hair and using it full of waves and curls because yeah, this is me, and I’ve never felt happier and complete as I do right now; in this essay, I will