#personal introspection

[b0kunoanime]

I don’t see a lot of posts discussing adapting to being disabled, dealing with the internalized shame and ableism that you have to process as others have to do things for you.

I wish I had a guidebook to “You’re slowly becoming more and more disabled as you get older but still in the age people think you should be able to do things for yourself, here’s how to adjust!”

[loveyourownsmiilee]

Honestly, the entirety of this hiatus, I was really indifferent and didn’t really have that same excitement to speculate about the new season when it came to Buddie. I almost felt like going into the season, I was very at peace within myself and I didn’t have that usual anxiety or pre-episode concern I do with every other season. And every other season, I’ve been super optimistic and hopeful, but I don’t know what it was about this season that I’ve just felt so relaxed and at ease and I really feel like it’s because I just know within my soul that it’s definitely going to happen this season. I may end up being wrong in the end, but there’s just a significant difference with my thoughts and feelings about this season and especially after everything we’ve seen, I just feel like it’s really inevitable for them not to get together this season. Gonna keep these good vibes going for the remainder of the season and hope we have a big win out of this!! Buddie is happening and I truly do believe that!!

[humboldtbeachangels]

Single forever?

I sometimes think I may never be in a relationship again. I see happy couples or photos and I shudder in disgust. I don’t think I’m asexual because I felt differently in the past, but I do have some real PTSD. My marriage ended very traumatically. I do work towards healing and it’s really very reasonable to not be quick to enter a relationship after something like that.

I wonder though, sometimes, if I will always feel that way.

Today I had a fleeting thought which turned into a realization. I just can’t imagine anyone ever being nice to me and I’m done with sick toxic blame and shame. I’ve never actually experienced true acceptance in a romantic relationship and ongoing effort from a partner. We all have our flaws. I’m deeply flawed and I can be tolerant and forgiving but I honestly just don’t know if I could ever be in a relationship long term because I’m no longer willing to accept someone who’s not nice to me and honestly I just haven’t come across too many single, well adjusted, available people. Maybe some day...maybe never. I think I’m going to be ok either way.

[slytherinmochi]

[introvert-lezz]

Dear diary

I read somewhere that we should wear our hearts in our sleeves and it stuck with me. Not in the sense of romantic connections but rather to be vulnerable in front of others. So i muster up all the bravery i can find and, as an experiment, i randomly and casually shared at work a few intimate personal healed wounds, achieved obstacles, triumphed insecurities... and they dont believe these things happened. So... Idk. I guess the message is that not only can people not hurt you if you own your limitations but they actually WONT believe those are your challenges. ... Point is, according to my findings, you’re good either way. Cheers.

[ceridwyn2]

Berena / Holby City

I’ve mostly stayed out of the discussion/discourse (re: Berena, Holby City - as a show and re: cast members) for various reasons, and I hope that I’m able to convey that with some degree of coherence. These points are not listed in any specific order or degree of importance.

From a personal standpoint, since that is really all that I can rely on - same as anybody else - lived experiences colour our interactions, and one’s views of a particular storyline are no less valid than somebody else’s. Our places within various communities (geographical, familial, emotional, shared belief systems, shared interests) shape us, whether we choose them, or they choose us.

I’m a 45 year old single introverted lesbian with ADD tendencies. I’m a night shift geriatric long-term care nurse by choice. A photographer, love to travel. Most of my interactions with LGBTQ+ community are online as I don’t have a community here that I interact with much aside from Pride parade festivities once a year. I did more in my 20s but not as much in the past 10 or more years.

And I do like shows with lesbian and bi-women representation, BUT more than half of the time that is not the only draw to a tv show/film. There are a LOT of shows/films that have had a decent/semi-decent LGBT storyline (from reviews/social media commentary/clips), but the storylines themselves, the characters, actors, have not drawn me in, or it’s poorly written/performed that I can’t be bothered (I’m picky). There is no rule that all lesbians/bi-women have to be interested in the same stuff.

Keeping in mind, that I have not seen the past five episodes of HC (due to work/family/life in general - and HC is not the only show I’m terribly behind on), I have read through much commentary via social media (Twitter & Tumblr) - to a certain degree of the various Berena fandom that I follow, which is by no means extensive. Within the past two to three weeks, I have also avoided searching through/scrolling through Berena or Holby City specific tags for my own sanity. I will say this: I do think that Holby City and BBC should take into account many of the experiences and hurt (of the cheating/break-up sl) that the lesbian an bi-women communities as a whole have made them aware of. Will it make a difference in the long run, I don’t know, but I can hope. I recall the backlash after Delia’s cycling accident in S4 of Call the Midwife and the killing of Kate McKenzie in Last Tango in Halifax. So, I do hope they can learn from this Berena storyline how much it has hurt many in the community.

Aside from personal lack of time for viewing shows at a regular time-line, there is another element that has kept me from the past few weeks of HC viewing, and its not specific to what’s on-screen - but rather off-screen within the HC/Berena fandom. As I said above, each person’s view points are valid because it comes from our own experiences. As a fandom, we cross different ages/generations, sexual orientations, genders, different countries, different backgrounds - it makes us unique. And, as we know and have seen, it also results in disagreements at times. I’m not taking any sides here. However, the downside of these disagreements/arguments has temporarily soured my interest in Holby City as a whole. Right now there are a lot of hurt feelings going around for a myriad of resasons that I’m not going to wade into. Suffice to say, this distancing myself from the overall negativity is something I can afford to do at the moment. That’s not to say fighting for improved representation, especially for lesbians and bi-women 40+ & 50+, is not an important thing it do, it very much is. I can send notes to BBC/HC, but for my own sanity/piece of mind, at the moment, I need to back off HC on a temporary basis.

Which is a shame, because even as I came to Holby City back in early 2016 (and subsequently went back to watch everything from Serena’s entrance onwards (S14), full episodes, not just character storyline clips) with interest in the developing Berena friendship to love storyline, there was so much to the whole of the show that kept me engaged, that made me care about most of the characters over the past six series. It’s unfortunate because there are some good storylines going on at present - Sacha’s depression, Hanssen’s depression, Jac’s recovery post-Gaskill, Mo mentoring Nicky, and others. I will get back to Holby at some point and marathon the lot I’ve missed (Heck, I did manage to marathon 195 eps btw summer/autumn of 2016, still not sure how I did it except for sleep deprivation).

[rosettisghost]

I want to eat the clouds!

today is the kind of day that makes me want to eat the clouds!

i lay in the field, surrounded by the local fauna and flora

and i look the only way i can:

up! up at the sky above. up at the celestial mirror of the ocean. up at the endless abyss that hugs this planet in a cuddlle for millennia.

i look up and i wonder, how do the clouds taste?

are they true to their image and taste like soft god-size spoonfuls of fluff and kindness?

do they taste like the cotton candy you used to eat at the summer carnival in your grandparents town,

filled with memories from another life, lived by a different self?

do they taste like Aphrodite's bath bubbles, sweet like the first love and heavy like the care you carry for yourself?

or do they decieve us?

do they look like heaven, but hide hell between their curves?

do they taste bitter, filled with the melancholy that hits you at her funeral, when you realise you will never see her again, that her voice will fade from your memory and her face will be nothing but neutral nothingness?

do they taste sour, like the september day you tell him

summer is finished and he looks at you and promises to call everyday till next june, but never does?

do they taste like sand, and ash, and cold,

like you felt when you found yourself alone in your flat for the first time and realised: this is it! it's me against the world!

today is the kind of day where i wonder how the clouds taste.

today i remember when my heart was made and mended, when it broke and betrayed.

today i imagine how the souls around me reach for the stars.

today i know i won't taste the clouds, and

i may never do it.

but i also know,

i will lay in the field amongs the flowers again and

i will want to eat the clouds!

[theemotionmachine]

The “Five Whys” Exercise: How to Recalibrate Yourself During Periods of Turbulence

The “Five Whys” exercise is a great method for evaluating your current position in life and what’s most important to you. The big idea is that we need to ask ourselves “Why?” about five times before we can discover the root cause of any issue in our lives.

Click here to read more