I Saw a Straw Hat Kissing Santa Claus
synopsis: You convince Zoro to put on a costume. Chopper sees and makes a serious accusation.
pairing(s): roronoa zoro x fem!reader, straw hats x reader (platonic)
warning(s): mildly suggestive, mild cursing, cheating accusations.
a/n: this is 100% a crack fic, but i had so much fun writing it. hopefully everyone enjoys it. just some silly, goofy, slice-of-life straw hat christmas fluff. also, this is my first op fanfic, which is even more bonkers.
note: I do not give anyone permission to copy, repost, or translate my work. This includes to A.I. programs. However, you are free to like, comment, and/or reblog it.
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“You’re joking,” Zoro says, voice deadpan and glaring at you.
“No!” You grin. “I’m dead serious. It’ll be fun!” You rock back and forth on the balls of your feet, excitement coursing through you.
“You’ve lost your damn mind, woman,” he says, but you just giggle.
“Stop being so stoic. You know you want to.”
“I really don’t.”
“But it’ll be fun!”
“No, it won’t.”
“It’ll be hot,” you try instead. Zoro’s eyebrows raise and he lets out a surprised huff of air.
“You really have lost your damn mind!”
“Nuh uh!” You argue. “You in the red suit, the fake beard? It’d be hot. Plus, I hear Santa likes a little present for all the effort he goes through on Christmas. Milk and cookies—wait, no—sake and, well…” You trail off with a flirtatious lilt in your voice.
You watch cheekily as Zoro’s face heats up, the red tint noticeably creeping up his neck.
“Watch that mouth, would you?” He grumbles, but you can tell it’s all bark. His lips twitch like he’s holding back a smirk. He’s already given in.
.
The next morning, you wake to screaming out on the deck. Straining your ears, you make out Chopper’s excited voice mixing with Luffy’s.
“Luffy, it’s Christmas! I can’t wait for everyone to see the gifts I got them!”
Luffy’s boisterous laugh booms, and you can hear the excitement in his voice. “Yeah! And I can’t wait for the feast! Sanji said there would be meat!”
Their laughter fades out and you let out a groan, about ready to fall back asleep, but the door to the room you share with Nami and Robin slams open, banging against the wall and shaking some of the pictures on the wall. Nami is standing in the doorway, a smug look on her face as she watches you bolt up and send a glare her way.
“Rise and shine, Sleeping Beauty! It’s Christmas! Sanji’s already got a special breakfast ready, and you don’t want Luffy to eat it all before you even get up.”
You frown, but you know she’s right. As you’re swinging your legs over the side of the bed, Robin appears in the doorway, too.
“Plus,” she adds cheerily, a soft and amused smile across her lips, “Chopper and Usopp are demanding presents. I think Franky promised a gift launcher, too.”
“A gift launcher?” You laugh. “He’s going to launch their presents at their face. I have got to see that!”
The girls laugh with you and wait for you to dress, and you all walk up to the kitchen together.
As you enter, your nose is met with the sweet and savory scents of Sanji’s Christmas Breakfast. You see all sorts of mouth watering foods sitting on the table family style: bacon, eggs, biscuits and gravy, ham, pancakes, and more. You feel your mouth start to water just looking at it.
“Sanji, you’ve outdone yourself!” You praise, sitting down next to Zoro who frowns at your compliment to the chef.
“Thank you, mon cheri!” Sanji immediately thanks with great enthusiasm and a slight blush from the compliment.
“It’s alright,” Zoro says under his breath, which makes you giggle.
“Good morning, grumpy,” you tease, pressing a chaste kiss to his cheek. He lets a soft, barely there smile touch his lips in response. You smile wider. Well, that is until you feel the feeling of being watched creep up and settle in your stomach. Concerned and confused, you turn your head, eyes wandering the table for the source of your unease. Your eyes leave Zoro, drifting to Sanji across from you who is setting a glass of orange juice in front of Nami, to Robin who is kindly listening to Usopp tell a story about his dream, to Franky who is pressing his nose in search of a “Super Christmas Hairdo,” to Luffy who is already shoving food down his throat, to Brook who is playing a Christmas carol on his violin, and finally to Chopper who is glaring daggers into your skull.
You shift uncomfortably in your seat as you meet Chopper’s upset eyes, frowning at the reindeer’s obvious disdain for you this morning.
“Uh, Chopper?” You ask hesitantly. “Is everything alright? You’re looking at me like I called you a raccoon,” you tease, hoping to ease some of the tension.
Zoro lets out a confused “hmm” and side eyes you when he hears you address Chopper. None of the other Straw Hats have noticed your… disagreement? with the ship’s doctor yet.
“Alright?! Is everything alright?!” Chopper screams at you, effectively silencing the pirate crew, pulling everyone’s attention to you and him. Sanji stops pouring Nami’s drink, Usopp stops his story mid sentence, Franky pauses his hairstyling, and Brook’s music stops with an irritating screech.
You purse your lips, heart rate picking up and anxiety spiking as the normally gentle, easygoing reindeer yells at you.
“I saw you last night!” He points an angry hoof at you. “How could you do that to Zoro?! To the crew?!” Tears well up in his eyes. “We trusted you! Zoro trusted you!”
Zoro stiffens, eyebrows pinching together at the accusation. What could Chopper possibly be talking about? Did you betray him or something? If so, when could that even have happened? The two of you were together all night.
Your own eyebrows pinch together in confusion, and you put your hands up as if to both placate the angry doctor and to convey your own innocence.
“Chopper,” you say hesitantly, feeling the whole crew watching you with bated breath. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. What did I do?”
Chopper wails, tears pouring out of his eyes like waterfalls. “What do you mean you don’t know? Don’t play dumb with me! I saw you! I saw you and… and… and him!” He wails again.
The whole crew gasps, and you only get more confused. “Chopper, what are you talking about? Who’s him? I spent the whole night with…” You trail off because it hits you. Right then, like a cannon ball to the gut. “Oh,” you breathe, your cheeks warming in embarrassment.
“I knew it! Explain yourself!” Chopper demands, pointing at you again.
“Y/N, what is he talking about?” Robin asks carefully.
“Sounds to me like Y/N got tired of Mosshead’s affections, or lack thereof,” Sanji says, having put down the juice pitcher in favor of lighting a cigarette.
“But Y/N wouldn’t do that!” Nami defends, but she looks at you concerned and unsure. “Right?”
“I can explain,” you say hesitantly. “Zoro, a little help here?” You plead, turning your gaze towards him in search of support. Zoro, however, is eyeing you suspiciously. He hasn’t put two and two together yet. Idiot.
“No, I’d like you to shine a little light on the situation,” he says. The Straw Hats watch on anxiously. Maybe you had betrayed Zoro if he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.
“Thanks for nothing,” you grumble, kicking his leg under the table in annoyance.
“Hey! Is something going on?” Luffy cuts in, a confused look on his face and a mouth full of meat.
Usopp leans over conspiratorially, covering his mouth with the back of his hand, and whispers, “Y/N’s cheating on Zoro.”
Luffy’s mouth drops open as he stares at you. “WHAT?!” He yells and stands up abruptly, forcing his hands down on the table and leaning forward. “Y/N, HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ZORO! HE’S YOUR FRIEND!”
“Woah! Please, Luffy, calm down! I can explain! Really! I didn’t cheat on Zoro!”
“Then why did Usopp say you did?” Luffy challenges.
You sigh, turning your attention back to Chopper who is still eyeing you with contempt.
“Chopper, will you please tell everyone exactly what you saw? What I was doing and with whom?”
Chopper eyes you suspiciously but nods his head in agreement, a determined hmph leaving his mouth.
“I saw Y/N on the deck last night when I was leaving my office,” he explains. “She was kissing a man.”
The crew, confused and upset, turn to you.
“So it’s true, then?” Sanji asks.
“I can’t believe this,” Franky says, voice wary.
“Well, this is certainly unexpected,” Brook adds.
“Shit,” Zoro says simply, eyes closed tight in irritation.
You side-eye and smirk at him. “You caught up now? Join me in the embarrassment, Zo.”
His good eye opens. He glares at you. “I liked it better when I didn’t know what the hell Chopper was talking about.”
“Can someone please explain what’s going on?” Nami begs.
You smile at her and nod. “Chopper,” you say, “can you please tell our friends who you saw me kissing?”
Another determined nod from Chopper.
“Santa Claus. I saw Y/N kissing Santa Claus.”
The room falls into a stunned silence. Everyone stares at Chopper in disbelief, then at you.
“Santa Claus?” Sanji asks, dumbstruck.
“You’re kidding me, right?” Nami asks.
“Chopper, are you sure that’s what you saw?” Robin asks, an amused smile painting her lips. She’s already put two and two together.
“Is Santa even real?” Brook questions.
Chopper nods again. "Yes! He was wearing the red suit! And he had a big white beard and green hair! And it was Christmas Eve!"
"Wait a second," Luffy says. "Green hair?" Your captain can be slow to the punch sometimes, but he isn't a complete moron. His confused eyes shift from Chopper to Zoro.
"Green hair?" Usopp repeats. "Chopper, Santa doesn't have green hair."
"He doesn't?" Chopper questions, looking up at Usopp. His brows scrunch together as he thinks. "Oh, I guess he doesn't. His hair should be white like his beard, right?"
Luffy and Usopp nod at the reindeer.
"Well, if it wasn't Santa, then who was it?" Chopper asks, genuine confusion lacing his words.
"Well, Chopper, who do we know that has green hair and Y/N is allowed to kiss?" Robin responds to the doctor with a kind—albeit amused—grin.
Sanji lets out a genuine, boisterous laugh. Tears well up in his eyes as he laughs, pointing a finger at Zoro. "You actually wore a Santa costume? Oh, this is too good. Chopper, please tell me you took a picture."
Chopper ignores Sanji and addresses Zoro instead. "Oh, it was you? That's fine, then! Sorry, Y/N. I should have known you wouldn't cheat on Zoro like that," he says with an apologetic and relieved smile.
"It's okay, Chopper. I'm just glad we got it cleared up," you say, patting the adorable, naive doctor on the head.
Meanwhile, Nami hits Sanji on the head, causing a massive welt to grow on his head. "Shut it, will you?!" She yells at him. "You would put one on, too, if I asked, or if Robin asked, or if Y/N asked!"
"Sorry, Nami-swan," Sanji barely gets out. "You're right." His voice is laced with pain.
"Well, if it was just Zoro, who cares?" Luffy asks, already sitting down to continue his breakfast, arm stretching across the table for yet another piece of meat. "LET'S EAT!" He exclaims, biting into the food.
Zoro, though, is bright red, and he looks like he wants nothing more than to disappear.
"You okay there, swordsman?" You question teasingly, letting a comforting hand fall to his thigh to rub soothing shapes there.
"I knew putting that stupid costume on was a bad idea," he grumbles.
You merely laugh and lean in to whisper in his ear. "I'm sorry, Santa," you tease. "We might have got ourselves put on the naughty list last night, but that big present you gave me was certainly worth it. Don't you think?"