#please skills

[beingdreeyore]

Also, I got home and did a little body weight world the last two days. I know it’s not much, but it’s literally been five years since I did something like this.

It’s funny: my body remembers how to do all the moves, it just can’t quite do them properly. The cost of ageing and neglecting this type of training...

But I did it. Even though I felt like I was dying, I got through it. I’m proud of me for that.

[perksofbeingaborderline]

today has been a day

After my conversation with my boss where he commented that he wasn’t sure I have been making enough progress on my work, I have been a mess.

A big mess indeed.

And then I woke up sick. Throat scratchy, head full, lungs aching and heaving.

And I got an overwhelming urge to sink.

But here we are. PLEASE skills. I am ill. I didn’t sleep well and woke up too early. I am most likely dehydrated because liquids burn my throat.

And for the sake of argument, let’s just mull over what my boss said. I’m getting a helluva lot done for being new to the lab and for simultaneously (and unbeknownst to him) working diligently on a rigorous therapy treatment. So maybe I can easy up a bit on my shame complex grabbing and running with his sentiments. Cheerleading thoughts.

And even though I want to give up, I want to give in to my dyrsgulatory urges...I have a date with some cold meds. And so we live to fight another day.

[beingdreeyore]

Yoga sucked. Really sucked.

My body felt weak, uncoordinated...

The instructor was one of my favourites and the flow was beautiful. But I yawned and was distracted the entire time. The heat in the room just made me want to go to sleep. We did some hip opening and I just wanted to cry.

Still, I’m glad I went. Baby steps to feeling better and all that blah blah blah

[beingdreeyore]

It’s been ten days since the very real end. Ten whole days of silence. It was hard. Then it was easier. Now it’s hard again.

Yesterday the nursing unit manager slammed a door in my face because mid-examination I wouldn’t leave the patient to go and update a database with her. She then screamed through the door that she “couldn’t work like this.” She sought me out later to apologise by sitting me down, placing both her hands on my knees, and giving me a twenty minute spiel about how she’s a really great person if I just got to know and trust her. I remained silent for the entire time. If someone is going to dig themselves a HR hole, I’m not going to stand behind them trying to fill it in. Dig as deep as you like.

So the whole day was a shit fight. I wasn’t going to go to pole but I made myself. Through some miracle I managed to nail the pole climb and learn a few new tricks which I executed badly. I also got a whole hour of not thinking about work or him at all. I laughed for the first time all day.

It’s moments like those that remind me why the PLEASE Skills are so important. They're the first to fall apart when things get shit but they’re also some of the most important for keeping your head above water.

It was a truly shit day, but at least there was laughter at the end.

[beingdreeyore]

If you’re going through a tough time and struggling with emotions, get a hobby. I’m not saying it will be the magical solution to all your troubles, but it will help.

Try different things. If the first one doesn’t work, try something else. I love yoga, but during this time it’s made me feel worse instead of better. Some days I felt lonelier at the end of the class than before the class started.

So try something. Anything. It will be tough and maybe anxiety-provoking, but it helps.

So I guess this is a gratitude post for my new little hobby and the laughter and friendships it’s bringing into my life.

[beingdreeyore]

Things That Are Helping...

It’s been THAT week, but there are things that have helped in the last 48 hours with helping my moods start to settle:

1. Hot yoga and meditation

2. Healthy meals (and also the therapy of cooking)

3. No alcohol and minimal caffeine. Come at me sleep

4. Keeping busy. To-do list after to-do list. Sorting out life admin I’d been putting off. Ticking off basics tasks that need to be done and give a sense of achieving something in the day

5. Helping others

6. Moving. Not dwelling in emotions or places too long. Cooking. Cleaning. Grocery shopping. Anything that involves walking.

7. Reaching out to people who reach back and sharing the experience. I shared my Santa letter on Facebook. Brave or stupid, you decide. The amount of people who messaged to say they felt the same was crazy. Building a space where people can speak without fear

8. Buying a ridiculous galaxy bedspread that no 36 year old woman needs, but that teenage me would’ve loved. Making sure my sleep space is as comfy and inviting as possible. I’ll share the picture with you guys but it’s not going any further 😂

So just some things to try (and there’s nothing there that DBT hasn’t already taught you) if you find yourself in that place. It may only help a little, but it all adds up.

[beingdreeyore]

Was talking to Dad while he was here about the issues I have with nutrition and exercise at the moment given the time I lose each day in travel and how sometimes I don’t have the energy to be prepared. He mentioned trying a meal replacement shake just so that I always have something balanced on hand. The doctor and exercise physiologists in me fought him, but after some thought I saw his point. So I gave in, did a lot of research, and bought some meal replacement shakes. I’ve been having one for breakfast and for lunch and have to say I’m feeling way better.

We also talked about how I’m struggling to get to yoga and I need more exercise in my life, but when?! He asked if I was still averaging 15000 steps/day and I said yes. He suggested getting a rucksack and some weights and turning my walking into rucking. Again, wasn’t sold, but I thought about it a lot and did some research. I’ve ordered some weight vest plates to drop in my rucksack and am thinking I’ll give it a go.

Will let you know how it all plays out...

[beingdreeyore]

Also, the yoga retreat I wanted to go to booked out before I had the money.

So I booked in for two training workshops instead; one free and one only a small fee. Both are focused on healing injuries through yoga.

Lots of planning things to look forward to so that the weight of losing him will eventually seem lighter... Lots of baby steps to not drown in the sad like I would’ve previously.

My life has changed so much with DBT. It’s so obvious to me with how I’m moving through this. But it still hurts so much and the skills don’t work unless I do.