November 28, 2009
Spot my mistake: I took my kids, on Black Friday, to Best Buy, to get a USB cable. If you answered "having children," you're correct! @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 96
I had this really kinky boyfriend once; finally I just had to tell him it was time we started peeing on other people. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 83
Once again, it appears I've prematurely donned my gay apparel. @RexHuppke (Rex Huppke) – 82
Black Friday shopping? No thank you. If I wanted to hang out with that many assholes, I'd join the Republican Party. @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 71
My wife doesn't seem to care for my euphemisms. Seriously, what's so wrong about asking if I can blow insulation behind her dry wall? @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 57
At dinner my nephew asked if my mustache was a "flavor-saver" so I made a your mom joke and that's how grandma got the ambulance ride. @biorhythmist (matt) – 55
Damn. Waterproof mascara is harder to get off than your mom. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 52
I never thought of myself as dead inside, but I don't know how else to explain how my farts smell. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 51
Our nation is under siege by aspiring reality TV stars. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 50
I have so much respect for parents who don't drink. @gruber (John Gruber) – 49
Christmas shopping can be so frustrating. Why don't they sell frankincense at the same stores they sell the myrrh? @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 49
If a female firefighter loses her job because she won't put out, it's not necessarily sexual discrimination. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 48
Getting my hair cut. Bitch had it coming. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 48
Men used to just try to get laid all the time. Now they want stars and a #FF...when they're not funny I'd almost rather give them the sex. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 47
I decorated the Christmas tree with the kids today. They still haven't figured out how to get down. It looks gre... hold on... STOP CRYING! @iamnotdiddy (iamnotdiddy™) – 46
Apple pie for breakfast, pumpkin pie for lunch, pecan pie for dinner. PIE ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED. @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 44
Profoundly funny tweet #6126752079 (?) @carrmah (Unavailable) – 44
"Don't worry — I'll remember." - Me, just before forgetting... something. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 43
My wife is somehow resistant to my bedroom mating dance. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 42
The family's asleep. I finally have the hotel room to myself. Time to practice my supermodel runway walk. @FriedWords (Derek) – 41