#polyfractured

[meeresbande]

reducing system size as important therapy goal??

Hi, we have a question for other (formerly) “big” systems (”big” as self-identified, don’t need to put a number on it for the sake of this conversation), because our therapist seems to think that one of the reasons our progress stagnates is that our system size (number of system mates) stays the same and doesn’t go down and some of us actively stop that number from changing. And I know it’s a problem and we do want to change it eventually, but tbh it’s not our biggest problem? I think? (we and our therapist also disagree on how to get to that point, she wants to do it against some misguided system mates’ objections, we want to first convince everyone that it’s ok before we actually do it)

btw our therapist knows her stuff about DID and knows us for a very long time, 9 years now I think, so she’s not just saying it out of ignorance. I still think she’s wrong but idk, we might be wrong too.

So, idk, what do y’all other “big” or formerly big systems think - was/is reducing system size important for your recovery? Is holding on to a really big number of system mates such a roadblock to recovery that one should go “headfirst through a wall” to try and change that number? What are your experiences with this? Did your system size change and what does that mean for you? Does it stay high and is that a huge problem for you or not?

Idk we find it a bit weird that our therapist, who’s otherwise really good and doesn’t push integration and never unification, would say we need to reduce our number. She said this when we asked her why she thinks we’re doing worse over the last couple of years and not better overall (as a trend).

[meeresbande]

Also everyone is always so surprised or even confused when they learn that MOST of our system members want to front either regularly or from time to time. When we talk about how much of a problem this is to us, because obviously we still only get 24 hours a day but have to share it between so many of us (we’re close to 700 system mates), people usually answer with “Well, but not all of you will want to come out, so that’s ok, isn’t it?”

But sadly, it’s not. Or not yet. We still hope that by working more on our inner world, and possibly by integrating some so that our overall numbers reduce, that it will be ok-ish one day. And yes, some of us don’t ever want to front and are completely fine staying inside all the time. But most of us would front once a week or more if we could. We just can’t.

[meeresbande]

I mean one good thing of being part of such a big system is that others have laid alot of ground work. idk if it’s a silly example, but our blogs: i can just go on our Christophers’ blog and chances are I’ll find things that interest me, that distract me, etc. I didn’t have to make that blog (I couldn’t it would be too much bc I’m too preoccupied). The kids have their blog too, and plushies and colouring stuff etc. We have playlists. etc. Downside is that those things won’t always fit and sometimes there will be someone who doesn’t fit in any group, or whose interests or needs are different. But for your average run-of-the-mill system mate like me, it fits :)

[meeresbande]

Why can’t polyfractured systems have twitter accounts? Because you can only have 140 characters on twitter!

[meereschristophers]

We’re Wrong, our system is wrong, we are too many and ordered in the wrong way, we work not like a system, not like a collection of groups and individuals, no, we have assembly lines in here. We are way too many!! We are doing multi wrong!

We would try doing it differently, we would try being different, being fewer people, but it doesn’t work! We haven’t yet figured it out! We don’t even know how to try! How do we try to be groups instead of lines?? It sucks being in lines. It’s painful, frustrating, isolating, it hurts. It’s unfair. Or maybe it isn’t, I don’t even know. Maybe the fairness is the problem, because everyone gets the same, but no one gets what they need or want. And there’s only so little (time) so what good does it do. 

We will never have individual friendships, relationships, let alone romantic relationships, not like this. We can’t even have hobbies on an individual level, or anything for ourselves. We’re lucky if we get a name and a number on a list. Name? Group? Age? Gender? That’s it. That’s all that we have. And then: Next.

[meeresbande]

You need to listen to Christina Aguilera's "Army of Me" right now immediately. :D

OMG! Thank you for this recommendation! It’s perfect :) 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6eJZ_og41E

[meeresbande]

For the first time it feels good to be so many people. I feel powerful.

[meereschristophers]

Just counted how many Christophers we know of so far. We are at least 66 people in this group alone! Almost definitely more! And while it’s possible that us Christophers are one of the bigger groups in this system, we’re definitely not the only group and some groups are only little known...