#possible trauma

[lunaglitchercc]

A heavy new years video.

(Read the tags and unmute. Anyone under 13 cannot watch this.)

Bendy experienced it all too, But you cannot ask him either..we don't have permission to tell anyone in the public about this.

[nyx-twix713]

is it just me that ever since you were young you were praised for being quiet and independent but now that you’re older you’re expected to socialize and understand how to interact with people that only tolerated you when you were invisible?

[not-ur-typical-himbo]

Did anyone else have the kind of childhood where your best friends the entire time you were in elementary school were the janitor (who was generally nice but misunderstood) and the freckly girl with Asthma who always put up with your shit even when she didn't have to and you beat the absolute fuck out of anyone who teased her about anything (braids, freckles, her probable interest in plants, etc)

[margferrari]

⚠️vent⚠️

Dads house vent:

I hate my dads house it’s so fucking unclean. There’s no privacy and no security. I wish I could hire someone to clean and organize it. And it fucking sucks that I can’t even control how clean my room is. I don’t feel like I can express my own feelings and open up to my dad because he scares the shit out of me! I can’t do this anymore..

[vanished-viral-hit]

Can Someone Help me Figure out if I had a Traumatic Childhood?

TW depression and other psychological issues, and maybe trauma.

When I was younger my mom would always talk around me and sometimes directly to me about how I wasn’t meant to born and the paths that she could’ve taken, had I not been born. Hearing a lot of the paths she could have taken made me feel guilty, because they were much better than her current job in my eyes. This led to me sobbing and rocking myself while saying “I’m a mistake, I don’t deserve my parents, everyone would be happy if I wasn’t born.” Over and over again, keep in mind at this point I was 6.

I remember onetime I knocked over a photo and I think I got yelled at, I don’t remember what they said, I just remember knocking it over and feeling terrified and sad. Oh and I remember the mental breakdown I had. I had somewhat grown out of, I was still in pain though. My dad was always working when I was at home, I didn’t really know him until I was like 10, despite living in the same house. I was a clumsy person, my mom would often scold me about it, sometimes screaming. I don’t remember her exact words but I do remember they made me feel terrible. When I was in the 4th grade, I tried to strangle myself during school. I was failing two classes and didn’t want to make my mom disappointed in me or be yelled at. I couldn’t get all the work done and for some reason, my first thought went to suicide. When I was in 6th grade my mom would constantly try to disguise extremely harmful words as helpful ones. She basically said these “You’re useless.” “I say you pretty but you’re really not.” “You’re too weird.” “Don’t stand to close to me.” “Don’t talk to others, you’re socially awkward and it’s embarrassing.” “Don’t express yourself, it makes me look bad.” She said a lot more too. I tried to improve myself but she said the same things. I was always uncertain if she would scream at me or we’d have a nice conversation. I had two experiences from when I was hospitalized that give me nightmares. The first was the part where I wouldn’t see family members and friends until I get released and I would be around strangers. The second was time seemed to become meaningless and I didn’t actually know anything anymore, it was terrifying knowing I didn’t know what was going on and I didn’t even know what day it was. After that it was for the most part getting screamed at. It didn’t help my parents didn’t sleep in the same bed or in the same room.

For the most part I grew up thinking that hey, I’m living a normal childhood. I thought that my childhood was great and everyone loved me. I think what hurt me the most was the fact that my best friend for at least half of my childhood, was my mom, and out of everyone I knew, she hurt me the most. Anyways I need you guys opinion on whether I really had a traumatic childhood or I’m just a drama queen like my mom said.

[ultimatedemonsimp]

Alright, so, I think this is a problem, but I'm not sure, I jump more than I should when doors open or get knocked on and, if I'm near something I can sit on, I immediately turn my attention to the place the noise came from and sit or stand with one leg against whatever object is the closest.

Is this a sign for something, because I really don't know. I've been doing this since I was a kid and I really want answers.

[edwardpackerhands]

There should be some kind of peace in my heart while sitting on my balcony, hearing children playing, birds chirping, sun on my toes. There should be some kind of peace in my heart, suddenly thinking about my grandparents, their lovely garden and house, the food my grandma cooks, the jokes my grandpa makes. There should be some kind of peace in my heart, thinking about the garden and the pool and my cousin my brother and me when we were children, standing on top of the garden swing, laughing and screaming for the others to swing a little less cause I'm gonna fall. There should be some kind of peace in my heart, thinking about my grandmas loving care, how she stroked my head and held me. There should be some kind of peace in my heart, thinking about my grandpa teaching me how to ride a bicycle, making jokes and encouraging me. There should be some kind of peace in my heart, my cousin, my brother and I in the shed drawing maps of fantasy worlds and zoos; or up in the attic in our secret space with the spiders and the guardian of our little den: a statue of an owl. There should be some kind of peace in my heart, the sun in our faces, running through the garden screaming for our grandparents because we heard the ice cream truck, bare feet running over gravel and "2 chocolates please and my grandpa has money he's gonna be here in a moment".

There should be some kind of peace in my heart but it is mostly filled with dread and a bunch of questions: why do these memories feel so bittersweet? Why does it hurt so much to think about that place? What happened to me? Why is it that everytime I visit them I am so happy to see them and be there, but simultaneously I am filled with dread, my skin is crawling and I need to be close to my brother? From what does he shield me?

What

And when

And who

Happened to me?

[liongoatsnake]

Sometimes it's really awkward wanting to reblog and/or comment on because it relates to something we experience when it comes to us as headmates or it deals with dissociation or bad memories yet it uses terms like "alter," "DID," and "trauma." We don't want to give people the wrong impression that we have DID or think we have it.

The two therapists we have seen over the years each concluded that while they could we were multiple, we didn't meet full criteria for DID.

Our system experiences a lot of dissociation related to our awareness of our body. Out-of-body experiences, being in a "trance," feeling disconnected from the physical body, often completely forgetting/not being aware of our body at all, forgetting the shape/traits e of our body, etc.However, our dissociation seems a lot more connected with our gender dysphoria and other forms of dysphoria we have rather than our multiplicity directly. 

Our system does have some bad childhood memories (between ages 4 up until about age 9 our mother and several teachers yelled at us and on occasion physically punished us for showing early signs of being trans). However, we hesitate to call these experiences "trauma" plus we don't know how exactly they might have actually effected us. Like, yeah we have moments when those events suddenly come back to us, but that is normal. We don’t want people to think what we went through was “trauma” when its really dubious. So sometimes we’ll see something about a daily life issue that we really relate to because we experience daily... but then its titled as “DID Problems...”  (or whatnot) and we’re like “shoot, we relate to this but we’d hate to give people the false idea we have DID, skip.”