So, I’ve been doing some Googling and looking in the DSM 5, and I have some reasons to suspect that I might have Borderline Personality Disorder, specifically the unofficial sub type called “quiet” BPD.
Any thoughts on this from someone who is diagnosed with BPD would be helpful (would prefer professional diagnosis, but a very confident self DX is okay too). I know I should bring my symptoms up with a mental health professional, and I will soon. I just need to organize everything properly and set up an appointment to talk about it.
More details below the cut (long post ahead, so be aware of that): [TW: sucidal thoughts, thoughts of self harm, paranoia, gambling]
The most obvious reason being significant anxiety and distress around being abandoned. Often just the thought of being abandoned (especially by those I care about) is enough to cause me to feel very suicidal... I wish that was an exaggeration but it’s not.
Sudden mood swings. I can be very happy but suddenly be really depressed, anxious, etc. The mood swings get a lot worse when I feel like I’m being ignored or no one likes me, or when I’m thinking about people who have abandoned me.
The classic idealizing and devaluing stuff, directed towards both myself (and it’s usually based on how other people treat me, though not always) and other people. I feel confident, smart, handsome, angelic, etc when the people I like are nice to me and paying attention to me. But when I need attention and I don’t get it, I feel awful, horrible, bad, unloveable, manipulative, selfish, stupid, good-for-nothing, demonic, etc. Often my opinion of other people flips depending on if they pay attention to me or show that they care. If I feel I really need attention and I don’t get it, I often think that they’re unloving, manipulative, and don’t care enough. Though the moment they pay any attention and show they care (in a way that feels like it’s enough), my perspective flips and I think they’re amazing and lovely. This does cause relationships to become unstable, and I have lost a lot of friends in the past because of this (since I used to lash out at others when devaluation happened).
Unstable sense of self: I keep changing what career I want to have. First I went to technical school to be a digital artist/designer. Then I changed to web development and design. Once I failed out of that program because of mental health issues, I went to an online university so I could study psychology. Failed again for the same reasons, and now I have absolutely no clue as to what do to now. I feel like I don’t know what I want from life at all. I also often have shifting goals as to projects I want to complete (usually focus really intensely on something until I get bored or another thing catches my interest), switching it up every few weeks or so and rarely going back to complete older projects.
I don’t really have instability with other things in regards to who I am, so I don’t know if the above counts. I know what values I have and what friends I want, so maybe it’s not enough?
Impulsivity: Spending money irresponsibly... One month I spent literally $900 on things I didn’t need because I was upset. And this isn’t exactly a one time thing either; another month this past year I spent $600 on things I didn’t need. Again, I wish those were exaggerations, but they’re not. I’ve also been spending money in much smaller amounts on impulse buys, but it’s still irresponsible as I don’t have a job and that money was supposed to be for school.
I’m not really impulsive with other stuff (and that’s part of the reason why I only say I might have it, since DSM requires 2 different areas of marked impulsivity). ...Unless gacha games are considered gambling (some people say they do, some say they don’t) and I’ve spent a lot of money on gacha games, in which case it would count for 2.
I also don’t have chronic feelings of emptiness (I have it sometimes, but it’s not chronic by any means).
I do have a lot of anger, and I used to lash out a lot at friends when I was younger. I’ve gotten way better at controlling it though, so even though I’m so angry I feel like I’m going to explode, I don’t anymore. I’ve figured out how to cope with that without taking it out on others. (Doesn’t mean that the anger is any less distressing, just that I’ve found some ways to channel it.)
I don’t really have symptoms of depersonalization, but I know I’ve had symptoms of stress-related paranoid ideation. I’ve had feelings like my friends actually don’t care about me at all, or will abandon me, betray my trust and hurt me intentionally, etc. It’s not very common and only happens when I’m really stressed out.
Another reason why I’m not sure I have BPD: I don’t make threats of suicide and don’t self harm (at least, not physically, I do other things on purpose that upset me, which is triggering but not physical self-mutilation). I think about it but I don’t make it a threat.
So, like I said at the beginning of the post, I would really appreciate it if someone else could weigh in on this, and I will bring it up with a professional who can give their opinion too.
I've said it before but I'll say it again (because I'm nowhere nears arrogant enough to think everyone seeing this has read anything else I've written), you need to examine, investigate and validate things for yourself. It's more important than ever that you approach information from multiple angles. Simply seeking out corroborating viewpoints to reinforce your pre-chosen conclusion is equally as ignorant as blindly accepting what you're told. I could footnote references for everything I mention and every claim I make, but I'm not trying to be a source. I am not presenting "proof" nor is it my intention to educate. I would rather initiate than educate. I present tainted information which hopefully intrigues you enough to look deeper. I say tainted because all information is tainted. It is impossible to be truly unbiased, unless what you're addressing is something you did not choose as a topic and which is something you truly don't care about. If you've developed any sort of opinion your viewpoint is tainted. Or tilted if that terminology is more comfortable.
I obviously have opinions. I have the freedom to address things I feel strongly about. Those two factors eliminate me as a singular source. Even if I were to provide footnotes and sources, it's rather pointless. Because I'm giving you the precise information which I used it will of course be supporting my position. Footnotes in the age of the internet are almost a "How to Believe Like I Do" guide. In the dark days of physical libraries it was important to tell people how to find relevant information. And it proved that you had actually done groundwork. If I were actually trying to educate I'd probably still feel compelled to provide sources, so as to "prove" I'm not simply talking out my ass. Considering the flexibility of fact nowadays, and the paucity of those actually investigating source material, footnotes are almost like a Getty watermark. You sort of vaguely see it but it's mostly ignored. Additionally, in the presence of Google I would prefer you use IT and not my handpicked sources to discover more. You will, depending upon your attention span and interest, find not only my sources but contradictory information and analysis. Which you should examine. In order to rationally and intelligently make decisions, and to be capable of properly defending your decisions, you need to both understand the opposing viewpoint and prove, factually not emotionally, that it is wrong.
I'm not Martin Luther nailing the 95 Theses to the door of All Saints Church in Wittenberg. I'm not demanding that you acknowledge and agree with my statements. I'm rather more like a fragment of conversation you overheard in a crowded room that, having been heard out of context, makes you want to hear more. At least that's my intent. I'm not trying to create an opinion in you, I'm trying to trigger curiosity. Of course that curiosity may well be coupled with a sense of outrage. If it's not, well you're not paying attention anyways and so are unlikely to even be curious to start.
Look, Donny Douechebags MAGAtts are just a particularly visible and particularly loathsome example of the results of micro-tribalism and information diffusion. You amplify what you wish to believe in and simply negate at will anything that is contradictory. Tribes don't merely define, they dictate. You like this, you hate that, you believe this, you refute that. It's simplification of self identity and utter diminishment of individual humanity because you are a label, or series of labels, and not simply a unique human being with a plethora of ideas and experiences. I get the comfort derived from squads and tribes. It's finding a place to feel important in an overwhelmingly complex and crowded world. But I've said this before and will say this many more times- why do you need the acknowledgement of total strangers? Why would you ever care what people, said people not knowing you at all and being completely temporary scenery in your life's tale, why should you care what they think? Media drives this cultural notion of validity existing in a completely external state.
That's bullshit.
You are you. The only you. Nobody else is living your life. Nobody else can think your thoughts or feel for you. You are absolutely and utterly unique, there has not been another exactly like you and there never will be again. I'm not trying to convince you of this. It's true whether you believe it or not, and that's the ONLY thing you'll ever see here that is an indisputable fact.
So my therapist was trying to help me a couple months ago because she thinks I have borderline personality disorder but said she needed to talk to me more about everything before recommending the diagnosis to my psychiatrist but she’s gone now (moved to a separate office further from my house and it would take about an hour to get there and my mom doesn’t like driving that long :/ ) and I haven’t seen anyone in 3 months and I feel like I’m never gonna get help lmao
Usually I keep stuff like this private but I thought it could help some people suffering from anxiety. I was recently dumped by my long term partner due to my mental illness becoming worse (for which he was probably to blame, as he was abusive). Ever since it's made me terrified of driving away new partners with being too clingy and insecure. I decided that i refuse to be a burden ever again, whether that means dealing with shit myself or leaving people who make me feel like I'm less than I am. At first I just started to list the 3-4 things I liked most about myself and I'd just repeat them in my head over and over until it was louder than the anxiety telling me I'm not good enough. However, I've met someone who I like a lot but is far superior to me in all the talents I pride myself most in. This shook me a bit and I had to think of something to help me process these emotions. What I've come up with is "I am a work in progress" Super simple, but works wonders. I'm transgender, so physically I'm a work in progress. I've never had a singing lesson in my life and have trained my voice to be much lower than my body is built for. My acting abilities are great for the town I live in, and while that's not good enough for big leagues, it's where everyone starts and probably starting off better than some. You won't be perfect over night, and that's ok. Everyone has to work to get where they are and one day you'll meet someone who is struggling to be as good as you are because you worked at it. You don't have to be perfect, you're a work in progress.
Life: let's be shitty for a week Me: or we could not do that Life: pfft u don't need friends right push them away Me: why tho Life: and that bf? BYE FELICIA! Me: oh my god Life: (: Me: Me: Life: ur welcome
