#ptsd rambles

[autumnishere1107]

Possibly incoherent ramblings

[Pt: Possible incoherent ramblings, end PT.]

Cw for talk of the mental health system (BUP in Sweden...), ptsd issues: possible delusion? General anger, alterhumisia, enabling exposed bad creators. (eg those who have been outed as abusers) Also breif mention of fast fashion. Talk of skin picking. I'm just angry and with the full moon starting to bare its shine I can't just contain it.

As I kind of insinuated in my last post I've been dealing with lots of emotions lately, lots of anger honestly. Anger at a system that is confsuing and makes it as hard as possible to get help when I feel I really need it. So much for trying to deal with it before it gets "*That* bad" Anger at my friend for disregarding all alterhumanity as "not real", and more a hypothetical rather than a true experience of life many including me have. Anger at said friend for also saying they have no issue purpousefully interacting with bad people's content because ""they where gonna earn money anyways"???? Oh yeah tell that to your friend who's been abused great. Just great. Ahh yes "well if your abuser would be on the internet and they had good music I wouldn't care?" Fuck my ptsd???? In situations you can seperate art from the artist, but if you don't interact with the separated art in a non-helping said creator way. You are actively saying that their actions is okay and they don't deserve punishment because "others wont do it" ?? I do like this friend, hence them being my friend, but also what the fuck. Not to mention they used temu when knowing about all its shittyness. And another of my friends have clearly stated "you have to stop that temu shit", like we have actively discussed the infinite issues with the platform and fast fashion as a whole. Like both me and one other friend are extremely second hand oriented. Like you are destroying my forested, wooded home for what? A stupid cheap pin and an excuse to support abusers and bigots? Worse yet my ptsd is extremely friend affected, and a friend acting like this just fuels my thoughts that she is following me and has contacted my friends. What if all my friends will end up that way? Gone or bringing me harm, it makes me defensive. If I keep ripping of my skin maybe everyone will see the werewolf I am and the state I'm in. Tired of hiding, being weird yet not even seen as my true self.

Wanna growl and bite smth.

[sureworm]

Gun violence trauma rant :(

It was a gun fired, in the next neighborhood over. It's winter, it wouldn't be fireworks. It echoed like gunshots. It was in rapid succession. They were undoubtedly gunshots.

I will be awake for a while. I just had my first nightmare about the shooting in a while. I don't know how that connects to now, but it feels relevant.

I keep hearing yelling, commotion. I keep remembering leaving that house. It wasn't this dark when we had to run. I can't tell if it's actually commotion, or if it's just my brain or some cars on the main road.

Now we have to go to work tomorrow. I'm already always terrified that it's going to happen. Since El Paso, there is no way of talking myself out of that one. I haven't heard sirens come over here, and it happened a while ago. I'm not going to be convinced that someone isn't roaming around.

I have so much to protect now. Before I was acting on pure instinct, with no thought behind what I was doing. I didn't know up from down; I only could think to survive. I'm scared those instincts won't be enough if something happens. I've already thought the scenario through a million times, a million different ways. If I wake up to it, if I'm already awake, which direction it's coming from, etc etc etc. that doesn't make me feel any better.

I know I heard gunshots in the neighborhood next to us. There still aren't any sirens. I won't sleep well tonight.

[consideryourselfshipped-blog]

I fucking hate father’s day

Yes let’s celebrate the fucker that molested me and threatened me and gave me ptsd

But no, I’m just ungrateful for everything he’s done. He goes to church when he’s not drunk so it’s cool right

I wish people would acknowledge my life has been hard and that I’m severely fucked up because of it. Tired of trying to hold myself together