I've always been told that I see the world differently to others, whether or not that's a good thing is quite debatable though. Lately Ive been thinking, surely I'm not the only one who makes jokes that know one else understands, has slightly psychopathic thoughts and questions the universe on a daily basis. If you're any or all of those things believe me, it's perfectly abnormal to feel this way, don't worry though because I'm sure plenty of others have the same thoughts and also question their own mental stability. If none of these things are at all relatable to you, well, it's about to get even weirder. I'm not sure if it's a normal thing for a teenage girl to be contemplating her part in the universe, or more so, her irrelevance to the universe as a whole. I am often awake at four o'clock in the morning, thinking about how in the big picture of things... I am truly irrelevant. This isn't in the sense that no one cares about me or the typical teenage 'my privileged, first world life is hard,' but rather that if I were to disappear off the face of the earth tomorrow it wouldn't change the world. Fair enough, people would mourn the loss of me but they would eventually move on. My existence doesn't keep the planet in orbit, I do not save countless lives in any way and most of all in the grand scheme of the universe, a single human that doesn't contribute to either society or the universe would not make a difference. At the same time, these thoughts inspire me to push the borders and try to make myself significant in the world, or at least my world. In a hundred years, I don't want to be completely irrelevant, even if my legacy were to live on in a few people who know that I actually had achieved something with my life rather then just managed to stay breathing for however many years. I personally would have to say dying irrelevant would be my greatest fear. In fifty years I want to have something I can look back on and be proud of that wont be pushed aside and forgotten when I am gone. On another, and slightly stranger, note I also find myself thinking about the power a human has over their own life and death, even others. Surely I can't be the only one with these thoughts, right? Someone tell me I'm right and don't belong in a mental institution. Now, I swear I'm neither suicidal or a psychopathic murder, have you ever thought about how easy it would be to end your own or another's life? Not that you ever would do either but just suddenly realising how careless people are and how much power that gives you over them. Like, for example, when you're high up on a building or something and you have that tiny voice in your head telling you how easy it would be to jump and end everything. This feeling is actually a real thing, which I only discovered recently, there is a french term that literally translates to, 'the call of the void' which I will talk about sometime soon. Ok, I'm realising how bad this sounds but I swear I'm not a murderer! My daydreams often take a weird turn and suddenly I'm imagining the death and destruction of myself and others around me, in extremely vivid and terrifyingly realistic detail. After these gruesome thoughts, I sit there in concern and shock realising that I have actually managed to terrify myself with my own thought... Good job, Ally, good job. While I'm still on the whole 'death and destruction' topic, what disturbs me even more is when I think about how easy it would be to kill someone on the street, for example, that random annoying girl on the street that is annoying the hell out of you with her bitching on the phone while you wait for the walk signal, do you ever have that quick thought where you a just like, "i could push her and she would die, I never would but... I could and she would be dead!" It's at that moment where you realise that you have very real power over the life and death of another human being. Of course, I'm not encouraging serial killing or mass murder but just saying that it's normal enough to have these thoughts. Well, not normal... But... ok, I don't know how to end a paragraph about killing people so yeah, let's wrap this up shall we? So, that's some of what's going on in my mind so remember, next time you find yourself imaging the death of yourself, friends, family or better yet, random strangers, you'll know you're not alone in the sea of psychopathic fish. This is my first post here so let me know what you think and what else you'd find interesting! Well, that's all for now so, See you next time fellow people of the internet.
