So You're A Queer Kid and You Spot a Fellow Queer In Public: A Very Quick Guide Because I Have Class in an Hour
I just saw (and reblogged) a post talking about how queer kids will all too commonly approach a fellow queer person in public and unfortunately, are putting others--and themselves--in potentially dangerous situations, not to mention just straight (*snorts*) out uncomfortable. So I got to thinking, "Did . . . did anyone teach the baby gays how to interact with fellow queers in public . . . ?" because, lets face it--technology is advancing, and weather you think it's a good or bad thing, that doesn't change the fact that culture changes with it, especially for kids, teens and young adults. Even language changes for them, like it did for us (I do, in fact, use Vine Language, but I have no idea what drip, rizz or cap is, and at this point, I'm too afraid to ask).
So, queer kids: first of all, hi, nice to meet you! I--a demiflux lesbian--know it's exciting to meet or see another queer person in public, outside of the internet, but remember: safety comes first. So, as stated in the title, here's a quick guide to interacting with other queers in public.
Seeing a patch on a jacket or dyed hair and a lot of piercings doesn't always indicate that that person is queer. Maybe they're an ally and wearing the patch in solidarity with a loved one, or maybe they just like alt fashion. Of course there's every possibility that this person is queer, but remember that looks =/= sexuality or gender identity. I'm absolutely positive that you've passed by or met a lot more queer people in public than you realize because a lot of us don't "look" queer. For example, I'm fem presenting and wear a lot of floral print dresses, heels and makeup--a lot of people assume I'm straight (which, rude.) So remember, looks won't always tell you if someone is also queer or not.
You know that policy that the US military had called Don't Ask, Don't Tell? Basically, it allowed queer people to enter the military but only on a hush-hush agreement--higher ups didn't ask, and you, as a queer person, didn't tell. Unfortunately, being in public spaces, it's kind of like that. The world just isn't as safe as we'd all like it to be, so we have to be careful. That means not asking someone their sexuality or gender identity in public, where others could hear. If the wrong person overhears that conversation, it could trigger a whole host of bad situations for everyone involved.
Not to mention, it can just be plain uncomfortable. Not every queer person wants to be approached about their sexuality or gender identity. Use your discretion. If someone looks like they really don't want to be approached, respect that.
You also want to be careful about accidentally outing someone. If someone is out with another person, but has a pin on their bag, that doesn't always mean that that person knows about the other person's presumed queerness. For example, when I was a young girl, my mom took me into the city, to buy some new clothes. I used to have a pin with the pride flag on it on my bag, but I wasn't out to her yet. Someone flat out announcing my sexuality to mom because of a pin would have outed me way before I was ready to come out to her. So remember to be discreet.
So, you see a person, you've deduced that they're probably queer, just like you--yay! That's a very exciting thing. I still get excited when I see other members of the community out in public. But again, safety comes first. So, how can you low-key let them know that you know? Complement them! But you want to do it in a safe way, too.
See a patch on their jacket? Complement their jacket, not necessarily the patch itself.
A person has a lot of pins on their bag and one or more is representative of who they are as a queer person? Compliment their pins, plural.
There's a person with blue hair that is just giving off That Vibe? Don't ask if they're queer, just smile and complement their hair.
Trust me, we'll know what you're talking about.
Do: Use Code in Social Settings
I. Freaking. LOVE queer codes. Basically, back in the day, there were a couple of ways that someone could discreetly ask another person if they were queer. For example, asking someone--usually a gay man--"Are you a friend of Dorothy?" was a way of asking if they're gay, Dorothy being a reference to the Wizard of Oz, as the actress who played Dorothy, Judy Garland, is widely considered to be a queer icon. I couldn't find any information on her sexuality, but I did find that a lot of queer people related to her back in the day, if not on a sexuality level than on a personal one.
There was also the green carnations, started by Oscar Wilde, as a subtle cue to fellow queer men that you yourself were a queer man. For women, you could give another woman violets as a representation of sapphic love and desire. Though, to be honest, I'm not sure how well known this one was, especially after the fall of using floriography, or the Victorian language of flowers (which can also be used to express negative feelings for someone, too, just so you know--don't like someone? Send 'em a bouquet. They probably won't get it, but you will).
Queer code still exists and is used to this day! For example, sometimes a sapphic person will ask someone if they listen to Girl In Red, which is a modern way to discreetly ask if someone is also sapphic.
Queer code should really only be used in a social setting. If you're at a café, and you spot someone who is fem presenting, and they seem open to conversation and you want to actually meet fellow queer people, you can ask if they listen to Girl In Red. But remember to read the room, and the person. Not a place where conversation can be had? Then probably not the appropriate place to be using queer code.
While spotting a fellow queer out in the wild is a very exciting thing, remember that safety and comfort for everyone involved comes first. You never want to accidentally out someone, or put you and them in an unsafe situation. Use common sense and manners.
Happy socializing! 🏳️🌈🩷🏳️⚧️
