Summary: One shot based on a daydream I had about an almost and I if I had given him a chance and given him my virginty to the lyrics of Jasey Rae by All Time Low
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Lights out, I still hear the rain. These images that fill my head now keep my fingers from making mistakes. Tell my voice what it takes to speak up, speak up, and keep my conscience clean when I wake.
She turned off the lights and laid in bed, staring up at the ceiling. Her hand reached out to the side of her, but she only slept alone now. Feeling the cold of the bed next to her made her sigh. She placed her hands on her stomach. She felt conflicted. Part of her was calm and at peace as she listened to the rain hitting the roof of her home. The other part fell into memories with him.
“Are you ready?” He asked her with a big smile. She couldn’t help but laugh at his excitement. She had finally agreed to travel with him.
“Let’s get outta here!” She said excitedly and hugged him. Now it would just be them and the world to travel. Together they grabbed their bags and set off for the airport. First stop was the UK.
Her hands subconsciously roamed her body just as his would on her. She zoned in and out of the memories and pretended he was there, running his hands along her torso. It wasn’t the same, but for just one moment she made herself believe he was there.
Now there’s an aching in my back, a stabbing pain that says I lack the common sense and confidence to bring an end to promises that I make in times of desperate conversation. Hoping my night could be better than theirs in the end, just say when.
A stabbing pain took her focus, making her gasp loudly. She grit her teeth and took slow deep breaths. She groaned and waited for the pain to subside to go back to her memories.
Nights filled with passion, days filled with adventures. She couldn’t get enough of it. They went back home every now and then to see their families for a bit. For the most part, they were inseparable. She loved that though. She loved being around him. She loved him.
Then the days changed and she hadn’t been feeling well. She assumed it was the flu because she had been vomiting a lot. It was then she started distancing herself from him, not wanting to be a downer with their plans. “Dear, wake up. It’s time to go out and explore. You’ve been cooped up here the past 2 days.” He explained. She hadn’t told him exactly how sick she had been feeling.
“You go.” She whispered, keeping her eyes closed and turning her back on him.
“Are you sure?” He asked, concerned.
“Can you just go and leave me alone for the damn day?!” She snapped at him. She had grown irritable lately. She turned and glared at him. Through the glare she could see how hurt he looked.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay? Are you okay, dear?” He asked softly.
“I just need to be alone fo fucking once! Jesus fucking Christ! I need some time to myself, don’t you fucking get that?” She snapped once more. He looked down then stood up and turned his back on her.
“Okay, I’ll be back tonight.” He whispered then started getting ready to leave. She waited for 20 minutes after he left then got out of bed and started getting ready for her lone mission. He couldn’t know what she was going to be doing today.
Don’t make this easy, I want you to mean it. Jasey, say you’ll mean it. You’re dressed to kill, I’m calling you out. Don’t waste your time on me.
She couldn’t make this easy on him. She needed him to feel like them not being together anymore was a good thing. She started as many arguments as she could. One night he stumbled into the hotel room drunk. “Have you been drinking?” She asked as if it wasn’t obvious. She tried to hide her hurt because it hurt knowing she was the cause of his excessive drinking.
“What do you think?” He scoffed.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” She asked, raising her voice at him.
“Nope.” He said, making the ‘p’ sound pop.
“God, it’s like I don’t even know you anymore.” She scoffed and walked to the bathroom. She quickly closed the bathroom door and locked it.
“You don’t know me anymore? I’m not the one that’s fucking changed!” He yelled through the door.
“You trying to say I’ve changed?” She asked.
“You were never this big of a bitch until a few months ago.”
“Fine, then don’t waste your precious time on me! Just tell me to leave and stop wasting your time!”
“So, that’s how you really feel, huh?” She asked, hitting the door before sliding to the floor and starting to silently cry.
I’ve never told a lie and that makes me a liar. I’ve never made a bet, but we gamble with desire. I’ve never lit a match with intent to start a fire, but recently the flames are getting out of control. Call me a name. Kill me with words. Forget about me, it's what I deserve.
She knew she did it to herself and she knew she was lying to herself when she told herself that she deserved the hate she got from him. She pushed him to his limit every single day. Pushed him to say rude things he later apologized for. Finally she made her mind up on what to do.
They were getting ready to go to Sweden next. They left the next morning, but she had other plans for herself. Plans he wasn't privy to. When he went out to get a few things, she sat down and wrote a note that he wouldn’t see for a little bit which she was fine with. He would read it when she was ready for him to.
She stopped the constant arguments and turned the nights back into love filled nights. She wished she hadn’t done that as it made her decision harder to follow through with, but it was too late now. Her plan was already made and things were already falling into place for it. So quickly she wrote. When she was done, she folded the paper and placed it in his bag under an article of clothing.
I was your chance to get out of this town, but I ditched the car and left you to wait outside. I hope the air will serve to remind you that my heart is as cold as the clouds of your breath and my words are as timed as the beating in my chest.
The next day was cold as they got ready to leave for Sweden. It was getting ready to be winter. She was still following through with her plan. “Fuck.” She whispered loud enough for him to hear as they walked through the lobby of the hotel.
“What is it?” He asked softly.
“I just realized I left my charger in the hotel room. Can you go get it for me?” She asked. “I’ll wait right here for you.”
“Yeah, I’ll be right back.” He said with a nod and turned around to go back on the elevator. As soon as he was in it and going up, she walked outside as fast as she could and got the taxi she called while in the bathroom pretending to shower.
“To the airport please.” She said quickly. She was going home. She had to. He walked into their room and looked around. He checked everywhere, but couldn’t find her charger. Finally he gave up and went back down to the lobby.
“I think you packed it-” He cut himself off when he realized she wasn’t waiting for him. He sighed and looked down. He knew this day would come, he just always wished it wouldn’t. She let fears fuel her life. It was inevitable that she would leave him at some point. Why had he fallen for that trick? He shook his head and went to the front desk to check out. Then he started on his trip to Sweden.
He didn’t think he should find her right now. Not after all their arguments lately. Not when she made it clear in the moment that she had made up her mind. You couldn’t change that woman’s mind once it was made up. On the way to Sweden, he wanted to charge his phone and started to search his bag for his charger. He felt a piece of paper and pulled it out and read it.
“I can’t do this anymore. I just have to leave. It’s nothing you said or did. It’s really just all me. I will always love you…but I can never see you again. Don’t come after me. Don’t message me. Please just block me on everything and forget about me. You don’t need me fucking up your life anymore. Have a good life. Enjoy traveling. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.” The letter said.
She still remembered those days so clearly. She avoided every person in the airport that looked even remotely like him. Her best friend picked her up from the airport and brought her home. Once she was home, she got on her phone and blocked him on every social media. She knew he wouldn’t do it. He didn’t need her in his life and didn’t have to see what she was up to in life. With a sigh, she turned on her side and forced herself to sleep. She needed to stop thinking about that. That was all 6 months ago. She shouldn’t keep holding onto it, but she did.
“Sweetheart, why don’t you go get a piece of candy. You’ve been doing really good in school.” She said to her little boy. With a nod he skipped off through the store. She chuckled and kept walking, continuing to shop. That is until she had zoned out and ran into someone else’s cart. “I am so sorry about that, I must’ve zoned out.” She said then looked at the person. Almost instantly she recognized him and took in a sharp breath. “Oh my god, it’s you.”
“The one and only. What? Did you think I died? That’s impossible.” He said that usual arrogant attitude was still there.
“No, I just didn’t think you’d come back here. I thought you’d stay out of the country. You always liked that better.” She whispered.
“Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’m only here temporarily.” He explained.
“Oh, okay.” She said as her son came running back.
“Mommy! Mommy! Look what I got!” He said excitedly. She looked down at him with a big smile as he waved a KitKat bar in the air.
“Oooo, our favorite! Why don’t you put it in the cart, baby?” She asked, he nodded excitedly and put it in the cart then stood on the end, holding onto the basket happily.
“You have a kid?” Her old friend asked, reminding her who she ran into.
“How old is he?” Her ex asked curiously looking at the young boy.
“He’s 5.” She promised herself she would NEVER tell him he has a kid. He never wanted any, so why should she put that on him now? It’s too late now.
“Wait, what?” He asked, confused. He was already piecing together whether it was his son or not.
“Don’t even try to think that. I had a one night stand as soon as I got home to get over you. Don’t worry about it. I have to go. I have to get to his Parent Teacher Conference.” She said curtly. With that she went to finish her shopping. She felt bad for lying to him, but he never wanted to have any kids. She could NEVER tell him the truth. He would have dropped everything to be there with her through it, but he didn’t want kids and she wasn’t going to make him drop everything for something he never really wanted.
