#really bpd

[obliviousempath]

I am alone because I don't believe anyone ever really wants to be with me, until they don't. I am alone because I never let down my guard. I am alone because I never ask for help. I am alone because I scare new people away and don't let old people in so that I can let them help me. I feel such a sense of shame surrounding me. There are 80 lb weights attached to each of my arms and I am paralyzed, attached to my bed like an invalid, unable to move a muscle let alone imagine a life for myself. I'm alone because it's what has happened, and what does happen when you get older. People have fallen away, as they do. I'm generally okay without them, but the loneliness does get to me. The people that matter, I keep close, despite their small number. They are fierce with importance to me, and they're not going anywhere if I can possibly help it.

[obliviousempath]

Why do I share a bed with someone who I feel doesn't support me in my day to day life? Why do I do this to myself?

[obliviousempath]

I told myself to not have a favorite person, but even having the least bit of interest in someone tears me apart inside because my thinking patterns are so fundamentally broken. I don't want to want validation. I DON'T want to be with anyone, but I still do this to myself. Have I mentioned how much I HATE being borderline? My emotions physically hurt me, they run so deep. It feels like my heart is being stewed. Why? For imaginary reasons. For no reasons at all. Because it's Saturday. Because I feel like I don't even exist on the weekends, when everyone is busy with their friends or loved ones, and I'm just...not. I have such a strong sense of who I am when I'm on point, but when I'm weak, it all falls apart so easily, and all I can do is pretend that I'm still a human being. All I can do is try to scare away as few people as possible when I'm like this, and I'm failing. I'm people repellent. I'm disappearing. I'm nobody. I'm clinging to shreds of my identity as I'm fading into the background.

[obliviousempath]

The problem with being your fuck buddy was that we were never buddies, and you didn't act like my friend. Did you think you could replace the word "casual" with the word "sexual" to describe our relationship without me noticing? Was I supposed to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you respected me with next to no assurances in that regard? You can call me broken for not being able to do that, if you like. I really don't care. Casual relationships are okay with me, but they need to happen with people who are respectful, mature, and able to maintain open discourse. I'm trying not to generalize, because people are people, but I'm almost ready to be done with men in their 30s. The immaturity knows no bounds. Don't you know the party can't last forever and the bubble is going to burst? Hooking up with anyone at all is not a top priority for me. Working on myself is my top priority, and whatever else happens, will happen. I wouldn't mind meeting a nice, respectful woman for something casual though. Que sera sera.

[obliviousempath]

Facebook can be a triggering environment for anyone these days. I don't trust it as a safe environment, in particular, for my purposes right now, and it angers me that it's so mainstream and hardly anyone tries to go against the grain and express themselves on a different platform, at least, not many people of my generation. There is no care react on Tumblr, and that's reason enough to love it. I prefer social media platforms where I don't have "friends" but simply follow people and am followed. Words like "friends," "join," and "groups" subconsciously fuck with the mind. If you're borderline like me, they fuck with your mind in that extra special way, especially on low days. I also believe we should only have the capability to like and comment, and not to choose from a variety of predetermined reactions. I don't need to know who's active now, or how long they've been inactive, or whether or not they read my message yet. Just text me. Better yet, give me a call WITHOUT texting me first like it's 1996. I know I shouldn't get started on the fucking care react again, but let me sum up by saying that to me, the thing looks like people are taking pity on me, and even if it wasn't intended that way, feeling like people are taking pity is the last thing I need or want. So, I'm here, posting on Tumblr alone instead of my unsafe Facebook blog, and perhaps if I share this on to my evil Facebook feed, some Facebook followers will follow me here, to a safer place.

[obliviousempath]

I feel myself coming back into existence. I have redirected my focus back on myself. It's beyond difficult to sit and fester in toxic thoughts without trying to reach out in some way, and it's particularly difficult to reach out in healthy ways when I'm not feeling strong to begin with. I wanted more than anything to escape my environment last night, but I found solace in my friends and within myself from home instead. Earlier in the day yesterday, I was unable to tap into solace within myself. It's time to refocus my energy. I do not and will not have a favorite person other than myself. Nobody will fill the void and I must continue to make strides to stop seeking to fill it, as the void can never be filled, but must be confronted head on.

[obliviousempath]

I saw a former friend who, despite my telling him weeks ago that I am done associating with him, hugged me without my permission from behind. I just froze. Why didn't I say, "Get your fucking hands off me?" or "Don't touch me?" I didn't because this guy creeps me out so much that it makes me freeze up. What I did say was, "We already talked about this," meaning, 'hey, remember, we're not friends.' He told me it wasn't always about what I want. Being hugged isn't up to me, apparently. My space and my body have NOTHING to do with what I want. Astonishing.

Naturally, having my space and my physicality invaded taps into my traumatic memories. I hate that I froze. It's like that PTSD dream where the person who hurt you is coming after you, and no matter what you do, you can't keep them away from you. You can't stop them from violating you and hurting you all over again. You're just utterly helpless.

I want to react immediately. I just posted recently about being too slow to react when something is offensive to me. I need to be more reactive. I need to draw attention to my violators as they're violating me so that my friends and the bar staff can be aware of the situation immediately, just in case he tries to go further.

When it comes to my own body and my own personal space, guess what, asshole? It IS about what I want. See what happens if you want to try that again. I won't be too frozen to speak up next time.

[obliviousempath]

I have a favorite person aside from myself, and it's scary, stressful and challenging. When we're not together I have to remind myself to depend on the self love that I have grown to know so well instead of spinning my wheels imagining negative scenarios. It's impossible to love someone without loving yourself first. Self esteem problems always get in the way. When I find myself struggling and unable to trust the situation I'm in, I remind myself that I was fine before I had him in my life, and that I will be fine no matter what happens. That's not to say that he's disposable or that I don't want him in my life, but only that I must keep myself as a top priority in order to keep things healthy and in perspective.

Last night I didn't hear from him all evening while he was at work or after he got done with work and when I tried to call he texted me saying that he had a family emergency and would call me as soon as he could. He spent the night in Chicago in the hospital at his pop's bedside, naturally not thinking about calling me. I stayed up until about 2 being worried about him. At that point I had a choice - Stay up all night being worried and drive myself crazy, or know within myself that I would hear from him the next day and go to sleep reassuring myself of that knowledge, and I chose the latter option. This morning he came home from Chicago and I talked to him. Now he's getting some much needed rest. He's not the best at calling me when he says he's going to all the time and I have been reminding myself that he's human too and has his own stuff he's going through and it isn't a reflection of his love for me or any lack of love for me. He has been trying to communicate better and I have been trying to be more understanding of where he's coming from, and less reactive to situations that would normally stress me out to no avail. We are both trying. With a fair amount of effort and compromise and constant communication I believe that we will be alright.