Haven’t touched base on here for a while, probably because I totally ate shit at life and slipped and was in an emotional spot full of self hate, shame, and dissapointment in myself. Things didn’t go as far as a relapse so I’m not calling it that, I call it instead a slip because that’s all it was only 4 hours of complete fuckery that I just spun out of control and went ass backwards in my program.
I’m in alot of ways very proud of myself simply because it could have gone so much worse. I’m a chronic relapser, I have tried so many times to get better and every time it hasn’t worked mostly because I found it impossible to be honest with myself and those around me. So the fact that I got out of this with only a few scrapes and bruises, and the time I had before hand didn’t just get pissed away means a whole lot to me. When I look back on the weeks before I slipped I can literally see exactly where and how it happened. I slowly put a positive thing down one day at a time, stopped reading literature, meditating, step work, going to meetings, one thing at a time was put down and it caused the obsessive thoughts of using creep in one small bit at a time until it consumed my every being. I tried to cry out and it was as if I couldn’t speak up loud enough. I was drowning and instead of doing everything I knew I should have done, and avoiding everything I did, like I had all the signs and gut feelings of making a mistake but I still went through with it and that’s something I will learn from in the future.
As long as there’s a lesson that you can learn when you make a mistake then you’ll be golden. Honestly when I look back on it, I see why it had to happen. My higher power was like, okay you wanna continue to obsess about it? Here’s a taste of what you’re missing so much. It was TOTAL hell, it was the worst day of my life. Then the following week was awful too. The first 2 days after I was crying and hating life so much I felt so upset with myself. I’ve also never been that sick from taking drugs before in my life, I honestly had to call in work for 2 days. Then the following 4 days I was just feeling sad. Feeling like wow, you’re reeeally a winner aren’t you. That drilled into my head exactly why I need to stay clean and how much important amazing things are in my life right now. I hurt not only myself in the process of picking up and the lying afterwards but I also hurt the people I love indirectly. Honesty is one of the most important things in my life right now, and when I lied about what I did I felt so ashamed. It took me 2 days to finally come clean, and when I did I cried for 6 hours afterwards and felt so much weight come off of me afterwards it’s amazing.
So I just keep on telling myself “girl this had to happen, you’re so much stronger for it. You have so many things going for you that are amazing, and the potential is incredible. Keep on keeping on” that causes me to think in a way that is just healthier for me, and I can try my best to be who I know I have the gifts to be. Hope all is well guys, and anyone who needs to talk I’m here just message me :)
