Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, 109 (Mar. 14, 1993) - “Move Along Home”
Teleplay by: Frederick Rappaport, Lisa Rich & Jeanne Carrigan-Fauci
Written by: Michael Piller
Directed by: David Carson
This is the episode where…
Sisko makes first contact with a game-obsessed species, so they make him and his crew hopscotch for their lives, while Quark places bets because it’s his fault. No one thinks this is funny, and it is treated with the utmost seriousness, but also it’s fine for some reason.
The Breakdown
It’s an auspicious day on DS9 as Sisko and his chief staff (Kira, Dax, & Bashir) prepare to make first contact with an official delegation from ‘the Wadi’, a new species from the still-mysterious-and-exciting Gamma Quadrant. Naturally Sisko rolls out the red carpet, but his guests have little interest in diplomatic formality, and ask to be taken directly to Quark’s bar so they can play his games of chance. What could go wrong?
Initially, not as much as you’d think. …Initially.
The Wadi are quite taken with Quark’s Dabo table (essentially, Space roulette), much to Quark’s chagrin, because they keep winning. Since Sisko is also kinda bummed that his new guests seem to have no use for him, he selects Quark for babysitting duty, leaving express instructions to keep the Wadi happy. Unfortunately, Quark is… well, Quark, so he promptly orders his staff to start cheating so he can win his money back. Predictably, the Wadi call bullshit on Quark's scam, and insist that the only way to reconcile their grievance with him is to play “an honest game,” and they’re not talking about monopoly!
…because they’re aliens and that’s a human thing, but they did bring their own board game, called ‘chula’. With the opening of a box, Quark’s Dabo table magically scientifically transforms into another gaming surface [It’s hard to describe so feel free to reference the weird triangle frame, with multiple bridging levels, pictured above]. Basically, the game starts Quark off with four pieces which are placed near the top of the “board,” and then he rolls the space-dice in order to get them safely down to the lowest level, while placing bets. Simple enough, right? If you said yes, then …come on. Really? This is Star Trek, so clearly there’s gonna be a catch.
You see somehow the game has simultaneously transported Sisko, Kira, Dax, and Bashir (who were all asleep in their quarters) into some kind of virtual/alternate plane of existence (it is never explained). It turns out that the pieces on the board are all avatars representing Sisko and the gang, who are made to participate in a series of increasingly difficult (and seemingly dangerous) tasks. Of course all of this is unbeknownst to Quark, who unwittingly chooses the difficulty-and-nature of each new challenge, while placing wagers on their success.
Eventually Odo figures out that something is wrong when Sisko and his team fail to show up for work the following morning. His investigation leads him to Quark, who is finally brought up to speed, but unfortunately it’s too-little-too-late. The Wadi explain that the only way for Quark to get his people back is to safely navigate them to the end of the game. Naturally, this goes poorly, and Bashir is evaporated (he was kind of being annoying though, so honestly no big loss), and the others all fall down a bottomless cave shaft to their doom. Quark loses. The end.
Just kidding.
I mean, Quark does lose, but Sisko and co. are all perfectly fine, and instantly transported back into the bar safe and sound (somehow). Upon Quark’s realization that his friends (using the term loosely here) were never in danger, the Wadi are like “well duh, it’s just a game, man. But also you’re a douche,” and make their exit. Since a major diplomatic scandal has presumably been avoided on the grounds that no one died, the Wadi are free to go; likewise Quark is also off the hook for... reasons, I guess.
The end. For real this time.
The Verdict
There are a not-insubstantial number of fans who would regard this as the worst episode of the series, and I can see why, but I honestly can’t entirely bring myself to hate on it that much either. The main point of contention for most folk seems to be that the Wadi’s game is ultimately revealed to be harmless after 45 minutes of implying the severity of the situation. It’s a fair criticism, and certainly a part of the reason I won’t be giving this one a high rating, but I think the greater sin is that ‘move along home’ is mostly kinda boring.
Some of my favourite Star Trek episodes are also the most ridiculous, and they succeed specifically by leaning into that silliness. As alluded to in the opening paragraph, one of the games Sisko is forced to play does legitimately involve playing a game of hopscotch while reciting a children’s rhyme. Historically speaking, none of that is inherently out-of-place for Star Trek, and a perfect opportunity for some comic relief, but the scene falls flat, and feels kind of cringy, almost as if everyone involved was embarrassed (except Avery Brooks. That guy always commits). The rest of the episode tries to lean more heavily on traditional life-and-death drama, but even that feels stifled by (I’m guessing) budgetary constraints. Likewise, the sequence with the most impressive set piece (the rocky cliff that everyone except Bashir falls over), drags on for way too long, with the aforementioned lack of pay-off.
But it’s not all bad either. We do get a chance to see a little bit of Quark’s humanity (for lack of a better word) shine through when he believes that he’s responsible for the safety of the players. It’s also nice to see the dynamic between Sisko and his officers in an unconventional situation, and there are a handful of other character moments (which I’ll touch on below) that were enjoyable, if not enough to save the episode outright. Ultimately, there’s no denying this is a ‘growing pains’ episode, but there is something to be said for watching the creative process unfold as the show finds it’s legs, even as it stumbles.
Less “Bleh,” and more “Meh.” I’m giving this…
2 stars (out of 5)
Parting Thoughts
Super-Tech: We need to talk about the Wadi’s technology for a second, because these guys seem pretty stacked, and it’s just sort of brushed over. For starters, they activate the “game board” by opening a small box, that instantly replaces/reconstitutes Quarks Dabo table into an entirely different structure (and then returns it to it’s original state, after they’re done). Then we have Ready-player-Sisko and his team, who are all transported from their bedrooms, and into… somewhere. We know their physical bodies are no longer on the station, and that’s about it. Are they in a holodeck of some kind? Has their consciousness been uploaded into a virtual plane? Are they in some sort of alternate quantum-game-realm? At one point Odo tries to beam over into the Wadi’s ship, hoping to find the missing crew, but he’s thwarted by a bright flash of light that just transports him back into Quark’s bar. However the Wadi do what they do, it’s clear they’re technologically advanced enough to give the Federation a run for it’s money. Bearing in mind, we’re only ever shown how these people apply their technology towards recreational games, but it doesn’t take much to imagine some fairly awesome (and potentially horrifying) alternative applications. At the very least, you’d think they would have made a valuable ally against the Dominion (I mean, who?), but this is the last we’ll hear from the Wadi; Well, at least on this show (they make a brief cameo on ‘Lower Decks’).
Diplomatic Cover-up: I feel like Quark would have faced considerably more severe consequences over scamming the Wadi if this had happened on the Enterprise, but upon further consideration it kind of makes sense that Sisko would let this one slide. After all, the Commander did abandon his guests (who he was responsible for establishing good relations with) just because he was bored; worse yet, he left them alone with Quark! Sure, he’s a lying-capitalist-scumbag, but Sisko knew all that when he blackmailed Quark* into staying on the station! So I figure ol’ Benny decided to keep things quiet, in order to avoid having Quark snitching to Starfleet about how their newly appointed Commander shit the bed on his first major diplomatic assignment. [*it happened in the Pilot, although I failed to mention it in my review]
Parental Guidance may be advised: The closest thing this episode has to a B-Plot, is when Sisko finds out that Jake and Nog spend their downtime together, scoping out the young Bajoran ladies. Sisko has misgivings over this, on the grounds that Nog is both a troublemaker and a Ferengi. Interestingly, I’ve seen a few online threads with people arguing that Sisko is being intolerant towards Nog’s cultural upbringing, but I’m more-or-less with him on this one. Amongst other things, the Ferengi tend to be deeply misogynistic (let’s just say, they got problems, as the show will go on to highlight), so I think it’s reasonable for Sisko to express some concerns about his son taking dating advice from a young man who was raised to believe that women shouldn’t have rights (or clothing). This also nicely plants a seed for Sisko’s own relationship with Nog, as that character becomes further developed.
Security Breach: The previous episode introduced us to Lieutenant Primmin, who was brought in as Starfleet’s Chief security officer (but second to Odo as “head of security” under the Bajoran Provisional Government; gotta love Politics). Primmin shows up again in this episode, when Odo goes up to ops in search of Sisko and Kira. Primmin’s main contribution is when he reluctantly (because regulations) beams Odo into the Wadi ship, and then he’s never heard from again. Like, ever. I’m assuming the original intention was for him to return as a recurring foil for Odo, and was then forgotten/dropped in favour of more pertinent characters and storylines. But according to my headcanon, he was quietly fired (aka “transferred”) due to his critical lack of care and initiative over the disappearance of four chief staff. The dude hardly even sat up in his chair when Odo brought the situation to his attention, which is not a great look. So long Primmin! I’d say you’ll be missed, but I’d largely forgotten you existed in the first place.
AoE2 has a number of systems that are sufficiently compelling in isolation that they have gone on to become separate genres unto themselves. Here, they mesh together, creating pressures on one another to demand the player perform well at each one, while also multitasking between them – a sum greater than the parts. The systems are so gratifying that they all tend to induce a state of hyperfocus in me, which is disastrous, since it causes me to neglect the others. Over time, this caused me to develop a sort of generalized anxiety, where I emotionally associate "satisfaction" with "impending defeat".
I love the television show MAS*H, so I thought it would be fun if I rewatched every single episode and recorded a review of said episode. Join me today along this five year long mission as I review every episode of Season 1
Breaking Late: My Adventure into Breaking Bad in 2022
It should go without saying but the following blogpost contains spoilers for Breaking Bad.
It's taken fourteen years for me to finally watch this TV show and this is my third attempt at writing a blogpost about it.
(23/11/2022) Addendum: This post has taken me around 2 weeks to put together and I've rewritten and reworked it 4 times now. I currently have three, full and completely different drafts of this article. Even now, looking at this one (my best one), I still don't feel that it's good enough. The problem is Breaking Bad is one of these shows that offers so much to think about that it continues to unravel itself the more you think about it. I have to stop now because it's getting silly. This is as much as I'll ever do on the subject. As I write this, I have already seen El Camino and the first two seasons of Better Call Saul and if I don't publish this now, I never will. The long and the short of this post-script is that I'm sorry if I couldn't go into enough detail; There is literally no more room for it anywhere.
I always knew that this was a huge deal but lately, with Better Call Saul coming to a close, the hype around the universe that's been built as a result has been inescapable. There was no way I was avoiding it. I've been putting off watching Breaking Bad for an exceptionally long time but I've done it. Over the period of around a month, watching between two and four episodes a night, I have documented my experiences, thoughts and feelings over the course of the series.
I thought it would be interested to to hold up my late arrival to what is frequently labelled "The Greatest TV Show of All Time" as a document of interest for the avid Breaking Bad fan.
This has taken a very long time to convert my notes into something presentable and after chopping and changing various approaches, this task has been completed. I hope you enjoy and settle in, this is going to be a long one.
Walter White: The "Protagonist to Antagonist" Experiment
The raison d'etre. The whole point of Breaking Bad. The goal. Let's start there.
So I knew the basics of the story structure going into this. Walter White is a chemistry teacher, he gets cancer, enters the meth production business with his knowledge to pay for it and then becomes a drug kingpin. I don't know doesn't know that about this. This is where it becomes difficult for me to judge because I am waiting for it. The changes aren't unexpected but I still appreciated the incredibly carefully structured character arc.
Everything about was growth was totally believable and logical. Especially in the first season because it perfectly demonstrates his thrill of taking a walk on the wild side. This comes full circle in the final episode where he admits that he did it for himself because he enjoyed it. You really get behind the sense of reckless abandon that comes with mortality, the addiction to money and the deflation that Walter feels when he finds out he'll survive the chemotherapy.
All this being said, I found him to be a prick from the very beginning. His interactions with Jesse lead him to come off less bookish and more bitter. Bitter about the situation that he consciously put himself in to use a former student that he has a dislike for to pay for his treatment. I have to say that from the beginning, Mr. White is pretty unlikeable already. He had his moments of sympathy alongside his moments of evil but he reached peak bastard when he killed Mike Ehrmantraut. Everyone surely must love Mike and that moment has to be the pinnacle of his alienation to the audience (More on that later).
Personally, I found that the actual character development of who he was becoming wasn't actually the most compelling thing about his character. It was the consequences of his actions and his efforts to escape, rectify or outright ignore the falling dominoes. His hand being forced to do bad things before slowly seeking them out and relishing it. There's nothing more I can say that hasn't been said before on the subject.
They succeeded in their mission to draw his character arc in the end. I don't think anyone can deny that. I wouldn't blame you if you just scrolled right past this bit.
A Fresh and Clear Attitude to Television
I prefer the filmic approach that they take to make Breaking Bad the programme that it is. My favourite part of watching this was something that I came to realize around the middle of the second season. It hit me that this show hasn't, at any point, treated me like an idiot. What you see is exactly what you get with Breaking Bad and it's one of the few times where you can view that phrase as a positive.
All the tension, the comedy, the drama, the tragedy; it is created organically. There is no manipulation of the audience with obnoxious editing and garish music. Sure, there are musical cues but the purpose is to punctuate moments not to carry the weight of them. Even then, score is used very sparingly in favour of a perfect, hand-picked soundtrack. The outcome of these creative decisions is the feeling that you're actually watching a movie, not a TV show.
The shots and the settings they use are tremendous for building the universe. Especially, the shots in the Navajo canyons and deserts. Junk food for the eyes.
It doesn't over-explain anything either. You don't have to be told every little detail about a story and it doesn't have to show absolutely everything if it isn't essential to the viewing experience. That sums up why I love the directorial style so much. It's utterly economical in it's delivery which adds to the rawness of the telling.
The Neverending Tragedy of Jesse Pinkman
They are so brilliant at forging this fantastic, pitiful loser because it isn't enough to have him simply exist. He is unwittingly way out of his depth so often that you feel sorry for him. A lot of what happens to him is not his fault which compounds his self-destructive behaviour. The changes that character goes through is the most intriguing in the series for my money because Walter White's perception to begin with is essentially our perception because we have little else to go off of. We see him as a meth-dealing lowlife who takes the shortcut through everything but as the show moves forward, it becomes apparent that all he needed was a push in the right direction.
The way they execute Walter White's manipulation of Jesse makes for a delicious kind of dramatic irony that I certainly haven't seen before. Dramatic irony is usually used for creating an air of igorance around the main character to then be instrumental in their downfall. Traditionally Shakespearean, it is used theatrically to create alienation. What sets this show aside from the traditional tropes is that they treat violence and murder with weight and attention. It's not entertainment. It's damaging the main characters, especially one Jesse Pinkman. I loved the gravity that comes with Jesse finally realizing that he's being manipulated and to do the right thing for once in his life. If we're talking theatrical theory, that's his carthasis: survival.
I found that I became frustrated with Walter from the get-go because he was already using him and wouldn't give him the time of day. The moments in "Fly" and "Bug" when Jesse gets his own back on him are incredibly satisfying and he literally has the last laugh in the final episode after years of pain and suffering.
My favourite scenes are the introspective recovery meetings because it's the only time that Jesse questions himself and his place on Earth. The rest of the time, he is being used by Walter White and made to do incredibly immoral and illegal things in the face of his evident moral compass. That's the perfect brew for making a tragic character because the end result is the audience not really knowing what to make of him saving his own skin when it means he is unsuccessful with nowhere to turn. The universe and the cosmos views him as expendable and his fighting of a losing battle makes for fantastic tragedy.
I Hated the Season 2 Finale: The Wayfairer 515 Disaster
This was where things started getting rocky for me and I think the problem is how they built up to it. There all these mysterious teasers in the episodes "Seven Thirty Seven", "Down", "Over", "ABQ" so there is a certain degree of expectation piled on what the meaning of said teasers are. They're all super moody in their atmosphere by playing on your senses. The image of a fire-damaged pink teddy in a swimming pool, the presence of hazmats and contamination connotations create the unsettling, uncomfortable feeling. The mystery is further explored upon when we see Walter's car windshield smashed open and the two bodybags.
When the monochrome filter disappears and reveals the colour and the widespread damage of whatever this mystery has caused, you're fastening your seatbelts because you know it's going to be revealed. You're waiting for it all episode, all season. Then what happens?
Two planes crash into each other in the air, the bear drops in Walter's swimming pool and the episode ends.
Irrespective of the likelihood of the actual moment (which, upon reading, is exceptionally unlikely), it just fell flat and I know what they are trying to illustrate with this. Walter letting this man's daughter die and he returns back to work, ill-prepared and his lapse of concentration causes this crash. My problem with that angle is that it isn't really Walter's fault necessarily. Someone in that important of a job shouldn't be returning to work so soon and if they want to get the impact of the deaths caused across to the audience, then do that.
They didn't. It just happens and it's done. Aside from a few instances where it's referenced in the following series, the actual impact of this supposed huge tragedy isn't touched upon nor does it have any bearing. My point is this: They didn't execute the actual event with enough punch. I don't feel sorry for Donald Margolis because I barely know him. I feel sorry for him that his daughter died and that whole scene is done expertly but him crashing the plane? I've only just this minute found out that he's a traffic controller.
I might get flak for this but whilst credit where credit is due, criticism is where criticism is due. This moment in the series sticks out like a sore thumb. I just wish it wasn't here. I can tell that they want to try and do something a bit different and bit unexpected because the obvious thing to do would be to show Donald angry, a loose cannon, trying to kill Jesse etc. Instead, his reaction is more true to life at the end of the day. The only plane crash-related moments I liked is how Saul Goodman is constantly trying to capitalize on the disaster in the background, long after it's actually happened.
I'll talk more about Saul Goodman when I've finished Better Call Saul.
Gustavo Fring: An All-Time Great Villain
I love, love, love this character. I cannot get enough of Gustavo Fring. The writing of him, the acting by Giancarlo Esposito, the painting of his backstory. All of it is pure genius. Easily the greatest part of Breaking Bad. The best villains are the ones with very good reasons for their actions, ones that create conflict in the minds of the audience. Fring is vindictive, calculated, intelligent and he is one of those characters where you feel that something important could happen at any time whenever he is on screen.
I could gush about how much I loved this character and talk about how they made him a wonderful example of Machiavellian evil but I'll be here all day. So instead, in no particular order, my favourite scenes and moments featuring Gus.
I thoroughly enjoyed Gus' behaviour when he is shown to be working at Los Pollos Hermanos and hiding in plain sight. The best example of this is when Walter is told by Hank to put a tracking device on Gus' car when Mike is clearly watching and Walter is struggling for a reason not to do it. The scene itself manages to be both tense and comedic at the same time somehow but what makes it is when Walt goes inside to see Gus to inform him about what's happening. Fring calmly tells him to "Do it" with a smile and a cursory nod. Like in every scene, all the actors do a wonderful job at portraying human reaction to ridiculous situations but Esposito's malicious smugness is just gorgeous.
Fring's revenge on the cartel is beautifully done but his interactions with the empire undoubtedly reaches a peak when he steps out of the laundromat to face the music with his arms in the air. You cannot help but think that he's cool when he walks through those sniper shots and looks directly down the scope. That's something else about his state as an antagonist, he is frustratingly likeable because of how brilliant he is.
Gus is so good that I feel silly even writing this much about him because it's so obvious that he's a brilliant character. You get the picture. I can't get enough of Gustavo Fring and he is sorely missed in the fifth season.
Hank Schrader: A Study of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
I was pleasantly surprised with the direction that they took Hank Schrader's character. Not only does it differ massively from the regular outlandish cop going against the grain of the police force trope but it subverts your expectations of who Hank is to begin with. I feel like the show really, properly analyses the comparitive realities for the kind of person Hank is presented as in the office, particularly in the first episode. As a result of things that he's seen and done, he changes and evolves beyond just being a policeman with a glock who busts drug dens and batters minorities. The "Not the man I thought I was" monologue with Marie in the bedroom perfects the character they're aiming for and the stark differences between who he's around dictates his behaviour and actions. The outcome of discovering who he is really hiding behind his boardy exterior is beautiful.
I love that he goes well beyond the bog-standard comic relief character and that he is actually a brilliant deducer when it comes down to it. My favourite part of his character arc is the realistic nature in which he questions the clues and the hints presented to the DEA to throw him off the scent. I feel as though the progression is natural. The game of cat and mouse doesn't go in to the staggered, drawn-out territory nor does it venture into ridiculous. Hank isn't a clever individual but a committed and experienced one.
The actual catching of said mouse, I'll go into more detail in my next point. How the fifth season plays out and my reaction to it factors in ASAC Schrader amongst other things.
My Strange Feelings about The Final Season
I'm just going to come right out and say it. This was a fucking weird season in the grand scheme of things. IN MY OPINION.
The first part struck me as especially odd, pacing-wise. The first few episodes struck me as a dwindling. Random characters and elements of the scenario are being stuck on to the end of the previous season which I feel has a pretty satisfying conclusion. Now I get it; Hank needs to catch Walter, Walter needs to become like Gus, Jesse needs to conquer Walter's manipulation and get his comeuppance. Walter ends the series by saying outright that he "won" and I was comfortable with that.
However, there's all this rigmarole with the extremely irritating Lydia, the exceptionally bland Todd and his army of Nazi biker dickheads, something about Mike needing money to pay off imprisoned people in the know. It just felt glued on to the fourth season as a way of continuation, for the sake of Hank finding Walter. I get the point that Walter seeking out this kingpin, empire lifestyle that Gus had isn't all that it's cracked up to be. It isn't that easy to be Gus and I liked that they tried to get across that Walter wasn't realizing that he was trying to become like him. Gus worked for this empire and influence his whole life and Walter is never satisfied with money he's earning.
I also find that everyone in this season is acting incredibly weirdly and out-of-character and I have reasoned with myself that Walter's actions have changed those around him as well as himself. But it still strikes me as odd that everyone in the story is so keen to dismiss this man that they've known their entire lives because he has meddled in the drug industry. I feel as though the only one with real solid reasons for complaints are Skyler because of the danger he's put his family in. But Marie is supposedly angry because she has blamed Walter for Hank's troubles when there isn't really concrete evidence that he had anything to do with Hank being shot. I get that she is supposed to be an irrational person. I get that Hank has been after Heisenberg the whole time and is driving himself stir-crazy with it.
But I find that Hank becomes pretty unlikeable in this season because he seems to only be angry on deadset on catching Walter because it will be good for him. He isn't really bothered about all the damage he's done and all the people he's killed despite him listing all of it off in a confrontation with him. It comes across like he's miffed that Walt lied to him. At no point does anyone in the story go "Can we just hear Walter out? Maybe he has some kind of explanation?" but they don't and it's incredibly infuriating to sit through.
I have to reason that this is the point, however. Conquering. Comeuppance. Consequences. Conclusion etc, etc, etc. Total alienation is reached. As an audience member, not only do you not know who Walter is anymore but you don't really know anybody. The unconscious evil has to be met with unconscious good to be conquered. You're just watching a car crash happen at this point. Post Mike's death, it's almost feverish chaos. The only one you have left to root for is Jesse and that's famously snuffed out in "Ozymandias" - the prime example of narrative alienation. All that being said, it still makes for an unpleasant watching experience.
Walter White's Ending
"Granite State" and "Felina" almost feel seperate from the final season. It's a redemption arc or an epilogue. A full stop to a journey and I loved both of the episodes. Controversially, I preferred the former episode to the much lauded "Ozymandias" - the only episode that I knew the title of before watching because of how famous it is. It's not that I didn't like it or even love it;- Maybe expectations were too high, I don't know.
Anyway, I thought that despite my grievances about the last season, Walter White's conclusion was done expertly. There aren't many finalés you can say that about. TV shows rarely end with unanimous agreement. The cartharsis of him finally admitting that after all this time, he did all this for himself. He just wanted to live a little and any excuse will do to make money. It wasn't that it became clear throughout the show that he was finding reasons to keep going further and further to the point where money had nothing to do with it. It's not enough to just want money and to do anything to get more of it, it's to have an insatiable greed that makes evil.
The cerebral nature of Walter's actions remains present throughout the shooting of the nazis and the threatening of the Schwartzes and that works so much better than White giving up and turning himself in or going out in a blaze of glory. The reason being is that he knows that he has done so many wrongs that righting them is herculean task. The least he can do his enact poetic justice on those who have it coming to them and finally allow Jesse to run free of his own authority and agency.
It was perfect.
Conclusion
To say I was pleasantly surprised by Breaking Bad would be an understatement. Without hyperbole, it has restored my faith in television. Truth be told, I find myself to very skeptical and outright cynical about the medium. My general view of TV is of endless, disappointing monotony of an exploited, decaying premise. All shows die on their feet before they're firmly in the coffin and six feet under. I've started many, many shows but never, ever come close to finishing them. You can only borrow so much of my time. Part of why I tend to write about animé and video games is because there is an ending. Even if you don't complete a game to it's entirety, you still feel like you've experienced enough to put the controller down and still feel positive about it. What I enjoy about animé is that often, there are only one or two seasons of them. Short and sweet. If it's too much, then I won't bother.
Breaking Bad opposes every complaint I just had. It is NEVER boring, it is NEVER disappointing, it is NEVER monotonous. It ENDS. The seasons aren't chocked full of episodes that are a thousand hours long, written by a million people. It starts and it ends. That's it. There is something to be said for concluding.
2025 Note: This is an old review and might be long winded or otherwise poorly written.
Summary
★★★★ Essential
Bejeweled 2 makes improvements on the addictive match 3 formula its predecessor popularized, while ramping things up with a gorgeous presentation and a hypnotizing soundtrack that's debatably one of the greatest in video game history. Its new modes will delight casual players whether they're looking for relaxation or action, while still providing some ridiculous secrets for hardcore players to rage over and grind to achieve.
Check out https://pjorange.tumblr.com/reviews for more game reviews!
Background
Bejeweled 2 was my first Bejeweled game - I actually downloaded the WiiWare version initially since I was trying to get as much as I could out of my Wii at the time, but to make a long story short, don't play that version, it SUCKS. Just get the PC one.
I already got into my thoughts on Bejeweled in general back in my review of the first game, so I want to get things started right away. This sequel came out three years after the first game, so what had PopCap been able to do in that time?
Presentation
...well to start, they made the game a whole lot sexier. Now the game runs in a higher resolution of 1024x768. Gone is the flash game sidebar and crusty lookin' gem and menu graphics, now we have a cool 3D look, with crystal-like purple balls for menu buttons and awesome planetary backgrounds.
The game takes on the theme of traveling across different planets in the galaxy. When you beat a level, you travel through a wormhole which sucks in the UI elements and camera, then spits them back out at the end with a different background and new gem layout. There's a lot more effects and effort put into the graphics this time around, probably because this game was actually made for PC unlike the first one.
Something you'll notice is the lighting. While the first game lit up the gem you had your mouse over, that's nothing compared to how it's handled in this game. All the gems shimmer on their own, but on mouseover, they'll shine even brighter, and the light will seemingly bounce off the neighboring gems. When you've created one of the new special gems this game has to offer, the entire area will be noticeably brighter from the glow. Everything feels so much more lively.
There's even a bunch of secret visual changes you can activate by typing in certain things. For instance, you can get rid of the UI elements by typing "noframe", change the background to an animated Matrix-lookin' one by typing "network", change the background to a classic animated starfield by typing "starfield", or even change all the graphics of the gems to the ones from Diamond Mine (a precursor to Bejeweled 1) by typing in "oldskool".
Gameplay
If you've somehow forgotten, match 3 works by matching three or more gems of the same type together to get rid of them from the board. But Bejeweled 2 expands upon this by having certain combinations not only get rid of the gems, but create special ones as well! Woah!
Two special gems have been added to all modes of the game:
A Power Gem is created by either matching four gems in a row, or matching gems in an L shape. The gem will be the same type as the ones you just matched. Match it with the same type, and it'll explode, destroying anything surrounding it.
A Hyper Cube is created by matching five gems in a row. Once created, you can switch it with any other gem, which will cause every single gem of that type on the board to be destroyed. It's extremely useful for when you run out of moves, but be careful though, since if it gets blown up by a Power Gem, it'll be destroyed without doing anything! This would later be changed down the road, but there's some merit to the challenge of having to be more careful when trying to save Hyper Cubes for later.
These gems feel like a natural evolution, and they work great. They give you a goal to achieve, forcing you to play better so you can get the opportunity to make larger matches, creating the cool items with their crisp explosion effects and cool electric shocks. They can also help shuffle the board a bit, making them potential lifesavers.
Game Modes
B2 has the two modes from the first game, Classic and Action (renamed from Time Trial). There's nothing really new to say about these modes aside from the new gems I described above - Classic still has you matching gems with no time limit until you run out of moves, while Action has you matching gems to fill the score meter before it depletes over time. But there's also two new modes to try out:
Puzzle mode gives you a bunch of different boards to clear. The idea is that you travel from planet to planet - each with a set of puzzles that employ some sort of theme or difficulty level - and try to clear all the gems from the board. There's actually another two new gems for this mode - Bomb Gems, which explode like Power Gems after a set amount of moves, and Rock Gems, which can't be matched and must be destroyed with either a Power Gem or a Hyper Cube. It can get pretty difficult, and you'll find yourself hitting the hint button after every move, since it'll tell you whether the puzzle is still solvable or not, and if you want, what the next move to make is. So you can easily cheese your way through everything, if you'd like - there's only one puzzle near the end that doesn't allow hints, but it's not too difficult. I'm glad the game gives you the unlimited hints, but I just wish there was an option to have it tell you if the puzzle becomes unsolvable without having to move your mouse to hit the hint button all the time. All-in-all, I'd recommend this mode as one to pay attention to if you want to get better at the game, since it gets you used to moving the jewels around and making plays.
Endless mode, on the other hand, is completely chill. All you do is match the gems - you can't run out of moves. This is a simple but honestly genius mode, and when I think about it, there doesn't really exist anything like it nowadays. It might sound boring, but it's really not. It's fun to see how far you can get, and you even get to build up a little jewelry collection with each level you clear. There was also a study talking about how playing games like Bejeweled can decrease stress and increase mood, so that's pretty cool - it's nice to just chill and match some gems, looking at all the pretty colors and listening to the good soundtrack.
Soundtrack
Oh yeah, the soundtrack! There is absolutely no way I can talk about Bejeweled 2 without mentioning it's incredible soundtrack. Remember in my first review, when I mentioned how we'd be seeing more of Peter Hajba/Skaven? Well this, in my opinion, is his magnum opus. The game is worth playing for the music alone. I actually think the mixing sounds a bit better in the game version than the album linked above; the album makes some of the instruments too loud over the others. Either way, still some great compositions.
I don't even know where to start. Basically, aside from the loading screen, title screen, and credits, the game's soundtrack is one continuous song (although in the remastered OST link above, it's separated into parts), and oh man, it takes you on a journey, complete with its own highs and lows. Some of the synths just have the sound of jewels, twinkling as you travel across the galaxy. You've got tracks that are videogamey and catchy, you've got your slower pieces, you've got your optimistic beats, your introspective moments, mysterious secrets... basically everything.
My favorite tracks are... I'm not telling you. Play the game and experience it yourself.
The ONLY song in the soundtrack I think is a little weak is the loading screen, Autonomous V2... at least, the very first half of it. It's a remix of the loading screen from the first game, but I think the first part doesn't sound as good. There's this annoying, offbeat beeping sound that plays throughout it - and while this sound did exist in the first game, the song was more bleep-bloopy there, so you didn't really notice it, and even if you did, it added to the whole internety vibe. The song in general is also more intense and emotional in the first one, although the second half of this song definitely gets the goosebumps going with the twinkly synths, so again, it's not outright bad.
Also, while we're on the topic of sounds - they're good in this game. Mostly the same, but with higher resolution and a few newcomers, so nothing to report. The low-resolution announcer guy from the first game has been replaced by deep voice dude, who's really pleasing to listen to.
THE NEGATIVES OF THIS GAME
"Wait a minute, there's NEGATIVES of this game? But didn't you give it a 4/4 in the summary?"
Yes, but that's only because I think the soundtrack and presentation combined with the generally addicting gameplay and varied modes are so insanely good on the surface that everyone should at least TRY the game out. But that doesn't mean that aside from that, there aren't some things that piss me off. Besides, if you love something and spend more time with it, you'll start to notice the things wrong with it.
Now, full disclosure - most of this stuff won't affect casual players. They probably won't care. They'll just play the game for fun and whatever. But as someone who's somewhat of a Bejeweled pro, playing and reviewing every single game and nitpicking the details, there's two things I need to mention:
Action Mode's Music and Gem Shuffling (or Lack Thereof)
So, just to remind you, in Action mode, you need to keep your eyes darting around the board to find matches to make as quickly as possible.
Humor me for a bit - listen to a some of the song that plays in Time Trial in Bejeweled 1 (also check out the part at 2:31, lol, love that part). As I mentioned in that review, it's a perfect choice - high energy, action packed, gets you groovin'. And here's a fun fact - PopCap didn't actually make any of the music in B1 FOR the game, they just asked to use songs that already existed.
So now that B2 is out, and has a soundtrack tailor made for it by the same guy, which has references to the music in the first game, you'd bet that the song for Action mode is gonna be even better! I mean the rest of the soundtrack is great, right? Well guess what. Action mode no longer has its own music. Instead, they just skip to a specific point in the main music suite. Want to hear it? Scroll up to the music player, and go to track 11 (or 10 if you want the intro). That's where the music starts in Action mode.
The music suite in B2 is one of the major things I like about this game, and I wouldn't have it any other way - it's relaxing and beautiful. But that comes at the cost of a lethargic Action mode. It gets even worse when you realize that the song IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARDS is "Schein", one of the SLOW JAMS!!!!! It might seem like a nitpick, but music is important and sets the tone. When Schein is sending me into a lullaby, I can't focus as well on quickly finding matches.
Another issue related to Action mode is that, unlike in the first game, the board won't shuffle once you run out of moves - instead, it uses whatever algorithm Endless is using so you can't run out of moves. This might seem like a positive and an improvement on paper, but in practice, it actually ends up making the game way harder.
If you were about to run out of moves in B1, you would make the last move (or find it with the hint button), then the board would reshuffle to give you a BUNCH of matches, keeping the pace going. But in B2, if the board gets bricked, the game will just drop in gems to make matches in one little corner, which is BORING and not usually enough to recover whatever time you've lost.
Even worse is once you get the gems in that little spot shuffled enough, the game will just say "alright bye bye" and make you go search for whatever little spot your shuffling made, which can either cause the cycle to repeat, or have you waste time by second guessing yourself, looking around the board, trying to figure out if you just missed some oblique match in a corner somewhere.
It doesn't ruin the mode by any means, it can still be fun, but these bits certainly cause a bit of frustration.
Bats**t Insane Unlockables
Here's the big daddy of the problems with B2 - in fact, this part is so crazy, it literally delayed this review by a week as I judged whether or not it'd warrant a drop to a 3/4.
Basically, when I went over the new game modes, I actually lied - there's more than just Puzzle and Endless! I think these modes are what makes the game Bejeweled 2 Deluxe, since the Wii version of the game - which doesn't have these unlockable modes - drops the Deluxe moniker. So, if you're buying the deluxe version of the game, and the deluxe version gives you these game modes, then, wouldn't you agree with me that it's pretty important to be able to, ya know...
ACTUALLY UNLOCK THE GAME MODES?!?!!?!?!?!?
The requirements to unlock these modes are so incredibly ridiculous, especially one in particular, that I legitimately believe that the amount of people in the entire world who've spent the time to unlock them is probably under 1,000. I'll go over them, from least ridiculous to most ridiculous.
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Original
Original is more-so a secret than an unlockable. Just move your mouse clockwise 8 times around the four main game modes on the main menu, and you'll be sent straight into a game. It's just B2 but without the new gems, making it the same as B1. Next.
Cognito
Cognito is pretty standard to get - all you have to do is finish every single puzzle in Puzzle mode (including the optional ones). The mode uses the same layouts as Puzzle mode, except you automatically travel through each planet in order, completing the first four boards of each. But what makes this interesting is that it runs off of score like the other modes - if you use a hint, you won't get any points for that board, so you're incentivized to complete the boards without using any. I actually really love this idea, and from what I played, it was super satisfying to use the skills I've gained to reapproach these puzzles without offloading brain power to the hints - it gives you a reason to not just cheat your way through them, and take the time to get a satisfying victory.
Twilight
To unlock Twilight, you need to reach level 18 in Classic. If you've been reading these reviews without having played the game, you don't understand how difficult this is. As I explained in the B1 review, the game is a lot like Tetris in terms of luck - yes there are things you can do to increase your chances, but in general, the game can easily screw you over by not giving you what you need. You can get blindsided and run out of moves in level 4, so to make it all the way to level 18 (with the level clear requirements increasing each time, by the way) without getting screwed over even ONCE is a herculean task that could easily burn hours.
But honestly, it's kinda worth it. Twilight mode is simple, but cool - basically, the game runs in slowmo with a darker background and lower pitch sound effects. But the real change is that every single time you make a match, the gravity flips. So the first match you make will have the gems fall down as usual, but then the next match will have the gems fall up, with new gems coming from the bottom. It's a simple change, but one that makes the game both harder and easier. Easier since you can unbrick the board and make special gems easier (I got two Hyper Cubes on one board my first time playing it), but harder since thinking ahead is REALLY difficult, and before you know it, you might end up without any more moves. It's the right mix of challenging and fun.
Hyper
To unlock Hyper mode, you need to reach level 9 in Action. Yes, it's only half of what you need in Classic - but even if you haven't played the game, you can tell that this gonna be more difficult. At least Classic allows you to spend as much time as you want planning out your moves, but Action straight up requires you to get good. For a while, I could barely reach level 5 much less 9. The timer drops like a damn cinder block in the later levels if you aren't making matches, to the point where waiting around for 2 seconds feels like losing the points gained by 10 matches. Even with my friends helping me on a screenshare, I just consistently got screwed over by level 6. It takes the perfect storm of luck and raw skill to get far enough (or if you need some extra help, I'll explain an option later on ;))
Hyper mode is a bit lamer than Twilight, but still fun. It's the same as Action mode, expect now it runs at like 2 or maybe 3 times speed. Gems drop super quickly, so there's no time to waste. I was surprised by how well I was able to survive though - it makes you realize a lot of time spent in Action mode is waiting around for gems to drop and reveal the moves, so having it happen in an instant and just flying through the levels was pretty satisfying.
Finity
OK, what the hell were the developers over at PopCap smoking when making this game? Can I have some? To unlock this mode, you have to reach level 280 in Endless mode.
TWO. HUNDRED. AND EIGHTY.
Every time you beat a level in Endless mode, the point requirement increases, just like in Classic or Action. I have video - it took me about 10 minutes to complete level 41. 280 levels - 41 levels = 239 levels * 10mins = 2930 mins = 48.33 hours. And guess what? THIS CALCULATION DOESN'T FACTOR IN THE REQUIREMENT INCREASING OR THE TIME I SPENT BEFORE THIS! 48 hours straight at a minimum. Dude. And one guy in the comments of a video showing gameplay of this mode said it took him 3 months, another person an entire year.
The mode seems interesting though. I say "seems" because I haven't been able to unlock it in the... like... month I've been playing. It's Action mode, except you don't get points by matching gems - instead, you need to get them by detonating Power Gems and Hyper Cubes. To spice things up even more, the bombs and rocks from Puzzle mode drop in too. Sounds cool - I could imagine the bombs help you move things around, while the rocks provide an obstacle. But is it worth the amount of time you'd have to spend to unlock it? I don't think so. At that point, you'd probably be sick and tired of the game.
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You know what the funny part of all this is? The console versions of the game actually CHANGED these requirements to be MUCH easier - Twilight & Hyper now only need lv 6, and Finity is lv 11 (LOL) - so obviously, SOMEBODY down the pipeline looked at this and went "nah bro", so why was it like this in the first place? It just seems kinda random.
Here's the thing though - should you get pissed over not being able to unlock these modes? Maybe. But I don't think it ruins the game. I consider these modes as little extras for people who are REALLY into the game - I think most regular people are perfectly fine with the standard four modes that are in the game, and it's not like there were two separate releases of the game on PC, one having the modes and one not, and one being cheaper than the other. And hey, maybe somebody could even stumble upon these modes without knowing they exist. Maybe they like to have Endless on in the background while they watch videos, or maybe they're just having a really good day on Action. Trying to strive for the modes can be frustrating, but when you do unlock them, it feels super good. I have my save data with Classic on level 18 and Action on level 9, and I'm very proud of it.
Here's a neat little trick I used to help me get the modes - if you go to "C:\ProgramData\PopCap Games\Bejeweled2" on your PC, you can find the save data under the "users" folder. Every time you reach a new level in Classic or Action, back out of the mode, then copy and paste the folder (or maybe one of the files inside that saves the data for the mode, idk). That way you have a little save to restore and fall back on in case you lose. But the funny thing is, I actually only needed to use it once in Classic mode - I still made the backups on Action, but I got super lucky and didn't die a single time. Also, I unlocked both Twilight and Hyper on the same day (just yesterday actually, with a draft of this review in progress). That was hilarious.
Verdict
Bejeweled 2 is a damn good game. Yeah, it has those little hiccups in design with the unlockables, and the Action mode could be a bit better, but literally everything else about the game is a 10/10. It's an upgrade in every way possible, for a game that was already incredibly addicting. If you're gonna play this: choose a time without distractions, get some headphones on, turn the volume up, and get ready to embark on a journey across the galaxy.
★★★★ Essential
I think Bejeweled 2 can hold it's own against the sequels. While it might not have as much content as later entries (that's easily accessible at least), I think this version is the best experience of the series just because of its (inter)stellar music and presentation - once you get going, it really is magical.
I can barely remember the time before I had played any Bejeweled, back when I just knew it as "that casual game with the jewels". This game should be legendary. And it was - until it got buried underneath the sands of time. It just frustrates me that PopCap is owned by EA now, and that Bejeweled is totally dead. This series had so much personality and a truckload of awards and accolades behind it - this game (and its sequels) should be ported on every console like Tetris is, but it just isn't, and it'll never be, because Candy Crush totally demolished it. I was actually playing a little bit of web browser Bejeweled in a class once, and someone I was working with actually said "oh, is that Candy Crush? Or like, Gem Crush?".
But there's no reason to be down - there's still two more games left, and spoiler alert - they're both masterpieces as well. What a twist!
I’ve never really done a full proper review on this blog, but I was inspired to rewatch the cartoons I was nostaglic of, but hadn’t seen in forever and a half, and chose to start with Danny Phantom to see if it held up after all these years, or if it was a cheesy product of its time. Danny Phantom was a cartoon created by Butch Hartman, who also created the Fairly Odd Parents and TUFF Puppy, which aired on Nickelodeon for three seasons from 2004 - 2007. The show starred Danny Fenton, a 14 year old boy who acquired ghost super powers from a portal mishap. He’s joined by his friends: the meat obsessed tech nerd Tucker Foley, and the goth eco-friendly feminist “ultra recyclo vegetarian” Sam Manson. Danny also has an egghead older sister Jasmine, a clueless father Jack, and a hyper competent badass mother named Maddie who doesn’t get the recognition she deserves. It’s also remembered fondly as the only show in history with a rap theme song that isn’t cringey, and hasn’t aged poorly either. It’s held up well, and the tempo and rhythm feels like it’s pumping you up for some superhero action. Danny Phantom mostly sold itself as a comedy, and while my adult sense of humor didn’t have me splitting my sides, it was still chuckling or smiling while I watched their goofy antics. The slow progression of Danny’s powers was well structured, the characters were pretty likeable, and for the first two seasons, the dynamics were good. The show addressed real teenage relationship drama in a good and meaningful way, especially in the second season. Even antagonist characters like Mr. Lancer get scenes where they’re gentle, soft-spoken, and make it clear to the viewer that they’re not out to get Danny, he just has a bad knack for getting into trouble. Danny Phantom has a truly memorable rogues gallery of villains, and that’s not something you can say for most cartoons. Skulker, Ember, Johnny 13 and Kitty, the ghost bounty hunter, and of course, Vlad Plasmius. The only other cartoons I can think of that aren’t comic book cartoons with memorable rogues galleries is Xiaolin Showdown, the Powerpuff Girls, and Codename: Kids Next Door. Courage the Cowardly Dog and The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy had some recurring villains, but I wouldn’t go so far as to call them a rogues gallery. Yes, the show had its... Butch Hartman-isms. There’s also some things that are a bit squicky now that weren’t as big of a deal at the time, like Danny straight up is shown using his powers to sneak into the girls locker room, and the musical cues play it off like a joke. The show also just shows its time period on its sleeve, like how all the female characters are overqualified badasses, while the male characters all share one brain cell, and Vlad Plasmius stole it. But the tone, characters, and story are good, in the first two seasons at least. Unfortunately, in the 3rd season, it all goes to crap. Danny doesn’t know how his parents will react to him being a ghost, even though he’s told them before and he has seen how they responded to it more than once. Vlad primes the bounty hunter to do... something to aid his plans. But she never gets around to it and they forget that final confrontation between them. Even Vlad goes out like a punk and Tucker is the 14 year old mayor because.... anyway, I’d give it a B- as a collective, and an A- for just the first two seasons on its own. All in all, it’s a solid watch. It’s certainly no Avatar: the Last Airbender, but in an age when serialized storytelling in kids shows wasn’t the norm, I remember rushing home from school to catch the latest episode, and happily watching the marathon of the show before the finale. (for you younger kids, a marathon is when a network airs a long stretch of episodes in chronological order, usually as a promotion or as a ratings trap. It was the closest thing to binge watching before streaming existed.) It’s on Paramount+, so if you want to give it a rewatch to relive your childhood, or you’ve never seen it, I think it warrants a view, as long as you remember it came out in the early 2000s, and lacks modern sensibilities in certain areas as a result.
