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also, i wont lie, in another universe, sam would've been good friends with benny. but the way dean treated sam about ruby, and again about his addiction, and again with killing amy, sort of eliminated the opportunity. sam clearly is sympathetic toward monsters and, dare i say, gets on better with them; it isn't benny's fault at all. it's dean's in the end here.

#benny is exactly his type otherwise im not gonna lie SHSKGWGHWGW #big sexy monster with morals and an accent buff and a sense of authority yes please #REWATCH TAG.#HEADCANON.#dean critical #a bit

sam's devotion to dean running so intrinsically deep he immediately attempts to kill "god" cas with a stab to the back (and around where he himself was stabbed, even) with all his force behind it, completely aware that no matter how capable of a hunter he is castiel is an angel and can turn him into a red streak, is so. like. in comparison to some of the dramatic acts they do for each other over the series, its very subtle, and tickles me pink. doesnt think about it. doesnt care that he loves cas, that cas is his friend. he's threatening dean and sam sees an opportunity.

#REWATCH TAG.#MISC.#HEADCANON.#i guess. good enough

cannot imagine being s6 sam and getting your trauma fed to you in doses. layer after layer after layer of horror, like this unending pandora's box to be slowly opened, leaking back at you. serous fluid from a wound. it hurts and you don't know why. your teeth feel like they're going to pop out of your head. the itch in your head feels like poorly sewn stitches because it is the very best thing that could be done for you after spending a millennium enduring the worst kind of torture. your panic comes in unpredictable waves and you can't even really understand why because you haven't been given the choice to fully process what happened to you yet. it just bleeds through. dean touches him in just the wrong way and it's a world shattering panic he cant even talk about, because.... he has nothing to talk about yet. just the echo of pain with nothing corporeal to it, the way imperceptible sounds cause dread and discomfort in humans.

#man what a tragedy.#REWATCH TAG.#HEADCANON.

i was mistaken about my thought for how many years sam has been in the cage. i remembered dean saying that sam's been out for a few seconds; he actually says a few minutes. sam says it felt like a week, "give or take"

so lets do the calculation on that; sam's soul was in the cage for about a year and six months our time if we count for the time he spent soulless topside since theres no reason not to. 18 months.

if every, say, three (to account for "a few") minutes felt like a single week, that means. there are 52 weeks in a year and 525600 minutes in a year. 10080 minutes in a week.

if we say 3 minutes irl = 10080 minutes in the cage, then one minute irl = 3360 minutes in the cage (meaning that time in the cage is 3360 times slower than irl). therefore, if there are 788401 minutes in 18 months in real life, those are 2649027360 minutes in the cage.

2649027360 / 525600. that is roughly 5040 years if sam's estimation of time is right, with lenience for minutes to seconds.

#'sam was in hell for hundred of years' try thousands bro #HEADCANON.#this fully makes sense to me anyway. because the part of hell dean was in was different than the part of hell sam was in #the cage was so deep and buried it was thought to not be real. other demons didnt really know it was real #REWATCH TAG.

i dont understand at all how one can watch the finale of s2 of spn, where azazel subjects sam to viewing his own mothers death up close and intimate, whilst also using charged language ("sammy, you're my favorite" "she walked in on us" "better than mothers milk" and sam's "what are you doing to me?") and not feel this like, deep, visceral disgust. azazel is such a good villain. i do not even think any of his abuse was explicitly sexual the way lucifer's toward sam was--there is no denying lucifer raped sam, but i wouldn't say azazel sexually abused sam.

but the language used is so, synchronous, deliberate, intentional? to me. azazel speaks like a groomer. validating sam as his favorite and special. obsessively seeking him out for years. monitoring his life and childhood, intentionally creating plants that broach into his personal life (brady being his "demon lover", jess being introduced to him through brady and thus azazel, plus the implication demons have been observing sam his entire life given lucifer's speech about it), and, again, the language he uses about inoculating baby sam with his blood, it's so very analogous to what its like to go through grooming as a child by an older adult, especially if you were so young you forgot or repressed it.

what really seals that deal to me is that claim sam makes that he's always felt dirty, filthy, and unclean. sexual abuse on a young person can manifest traumatically and invisibly like that--a feeling of something being wrong you cannot place (somewhat similar to gender dysphoria actually) stemming from the trauma inflicted upon that person is not uncommon.

anyway. my point is. while lucifer is sam's rapist, azazel is the one who paved the road for him, and happily. sam's autonomy has been denied since before he was even born, and frankly, mary facilitated it too despite the unfairness of the deal she was backed into. she still made it.

#HEADCANON.#REWATCH TAG.#to block this if you're annoyed by my babbling since i rewatch spn every few years