Family has started trickling back to their hometowns after my son’s passing on Friday.
The funeral isn’t until this weekend (I’ll post details soon), but life pulls people back to work, responsibilities, and they’ll return again to Dallas soon but I don’t want anyone to leave.
I wish everyone could stay.
And I find myself asking questions I never knew I’d have to ask.
Are we allowed to laugh while mourning the death of our son?
Are we allowed to sing praise and worship, jumping up and down, hands lifted high like we’ve been doing?
Are we allowed to play games with family, run through the house smiling, and feel moments of lightness?
How can sorrow and joy exist in the same breath?
How can grief be so heavy, yet the presence of God feel so tangible and near?
I’ve never done this before. I don’t know what’s “right” or “wrong.”
Can I still share our life?
Can I process my feelings out loud with the people who love me most?
It feels good to cry.
And sometimes I feel guilty when I’m not crying.
I wish I could hold Luke in my arms right now. But if I’m honest, I know what that would have looked like, his body tight, muscles stiff, spasms stealing his peace. And then I remember… that’s not his reality anymore.
He is literally 100% made whole.
I am heartbroken.. but JESUS, I am so blessed knowing he is with You now, God. I know his body feels relief. I know he feels freedom. And somehow… I feel it too.
The weight Luke was carrying, I was carrying as well. And now, that weight has been lifted.
I am sad.
And I am grateful.
I am grieving.